10 Steps to Orgasming WITH Your Partner

One of the most common questions we receive from heterosexual women is, “How can I orgasm in bed with my partner?” The really demanding ones want to know how to orgasm simultaneously, during penetration, every time. If this is you, then sorry, you’re out of luck; if we knew the answer to that question, we’d be richer than Oprah. But here are 10 things we do know that will help increase your chances of orgasming with your partner in bed tonight…

1. Take intercourse off its pedestal.

Are you assuming that “sex” means penile penetration? If so, that’s your first mistake. Maybe you’ve tried many intercourse positions, but it’s not necessarily an intercourse position that will ultimately do it for you — maybe it’s oral sex, or handwork, or some combination of the two. There’s no shame in getting your orgasm via non-intercourse means — the majority of women don’t. Nor is there any shame in you having your orgasm and then him having his. Remember, sex — especially for women — doesn’t necessarily happen in a straight line, i.e.  your orgasm won’t necessarily be located conveniently at his finish line, or vice versa. Plus, it’s much easier for gals to keep going after a Big O than the lads. And you may find that certain intercourse positions feel even better (perhaps even orgasmic) after you’ve had one orgasm.

2. Focus on your clitoral network. 

Again, intercourse alone is orgasmic for very few women, given how far the exposed part of the clitoris is from the vaginal opening — and how key clitoral head stimulation is for most women’s orgasms. So don’t forget to supplement all those positions with a little extra stimulation at the apex of the vulva, whether with your hand, his hand, a small vibrator, a helpful neighbor’s hand…

3. Three words: Coital Alignment Technique.

Learn it, live it, love it. In fact, any position where your bodies are mashed up against each other is good — because close contact means more friction down there, and more friction down there means more clitoral stimulation.

4. Try a vibrating love ring.

Like this one from LELO. Or this one from GoodVibes. Because vibrating clitoral stimulation could be just the thing your intercourse life has been missing. You know all those times a dude looks at a traditional vibrator and thinks, “Hey, my penis doesn’t vibrate like that? No fair!” Well, now the playing field has been evened.

5. Show him exactly what you like.

If you can orgasm on your own, try playing a little show-and-tell, teaching your partner how to mimic the thing(s) you do. Be specific. But remember: there are still some guys who don’t like being told what to do, who think that sex should come naturally and that getting tips from you is emasculating. If that’s not a deal breaker for you, then treat delicate egos gently, but not at the expense of asking for what you want/need.

6. Masturbate.

If, on the other hand, you can’t orgasm on your own, then scratch everything else we’ve said for now and start masturbating! Often! Treat yourself to a nice vibrator, dim the lights, think some sexy thoughts and let the love flow. Because in our nearly twenty years of dishing sex advice, most women we’ve spoken to find it easier to learn solo first.

7. Sex toys are your friend.

If your partner is the jealous type, remind him that sex toys don’t cuddle and they’re useless at pillow talk. In addition to vibrating love rings, there are tons of other great toys for couples, like finger toys (which can really turn hand work up to eleven) and small pebble-like vibrators, which can nestle comfortably between your bodies.

8. Have you lubed today?

Remember, man-made lube is not a crutch and using it doesn’t mean you’re not that into the sex. In fact, lube is one of the greatest bedside accessories we know. Using lube means that your sensitive parts are less likely to get over-sensitive while you’re trying out various different hand, tongue, toy, and intercourse techniques. And you’ll avoid rug burn!

9. Try not to over-think your orgasm.

It sounds impossible, we know, but the more you stress about your happy ending, the less likely it is to happen. Sure, keep experimenting, and try out everything we’ve suggested here — but try not to think about this as a mission to O. Rather, it’s a mission to improve your sex life. Because orgasms are kind of like bad boys — the more you ignore them, the more likely they are to show up.

10. Finally, be patient.

Just because your orgasm hasn’t made an appearance yet, doesn’t mean it won’t. Orgasms are mysterious things and sometimes things just click into place one day. Hey, long-term monogamy has got to have its benefits, otherwise we’d never enjoy the pleasure of board games.

We hate to sound like a self-help book (what color is your parachute, anyway?), but when it comes to sex, the journey is meant to be at least half the fun. Of course every woman has the right to an orgasm with her partner, and we understand our readers’ frustration.  You should definitely be demanding, but don’t forget to appreciate your relationship, too,  because having a good time together is the best foundation for having an orgasmic time together.

This post has been updated.


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  1. A long time ago a lover of mine could give me an orgasm by the way he moved whilst inside me, face to face, in the number 1 position, EVERYtime!! Never since has a man done that. It was a simple technique that he knew, but I never asked him to describe to me unfortunately as we split up and lost touch. So how come this is an elusive technique for men to simply learn. Surely there is a man that can teach it…FIND HIM and get him onto the comments, you’ll both make those millions then!

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