10 Ways to Increase Your Chances of Female Orgasm WITH a Partner

One of the most common questions we receive from heterosexual women is, “How can I orgasm in bed with my partner?” The really demanding ones want to know how to orgasm simultaneously, during penetration, every time. If this is you, then sorry, you’re out of luck; if we knew the answer to that question, we’d be richer than Oprah! Sex is complicated, and so many factors influence individuals and individual sexual sessions, that there are no guarantees. BUT! Here are 10 things we do know that will help increase your chances of orgasmic success with a partner…

1. Stop Thinking of Sex as Intercourse

Are you assuming that “sex” means penile penetration? If so, that’s your first mistake. Maybe you’ve tried many intercourse positions, but it’s not necessarily an intercourse position that will ultimately do it for you — maybe it’s oral sex, or handwork, or some combination of the two. There’s no shame in getting your orgasm via non-intercourse means — the majority of women don’t. Nor is there any shame in you having your orgasm and then him having his. Remember, sex — especially for women — doesn’t necessarily happen in a straight line, i.e.  your orgasm won’t necessarily be located conveniently at his finish line, or vice versa. Plus, it may be easier for you as a gal with lady bits to keep going after a Big O than it is for him with a male member. And you may find that certain intercourse positions feel even better (perhaps even orgasmic) after you’ve had one orgasm.

2. Give Attention to the Clitoral Network

Again, intercourse alone is orgasmic for a minority of women, given how far the exposed part of the clitoris is from the vaginal opening — and how key clitoral head stimulation is for most women’s orgasms. So don’t forget to supplement all those positions with a little extra stimulation at the apex of the vulva, whether with your hand, his hand, a small vibrator, a helpful neighbor’s hand…

3. Three Words: Coital Alignment Technique

Learn it, live it, love it. In fact, any position where your bodies are mashed up against each other is good — because close contact means more friction down there, and more friction down there means more stimulation for her: clitoral and vulvar.

4. Try a Vibrating Love Ring

Like this one from LELO. Or this one from GoodVibes. Because vibrating clitoral stimulation could be just the thing your intercourse life has been missing. You know all those times a dude looks at a traditional vibrator and thinks, “Hey, my penis doesn’t vibrate like that? No fair!” Well, now the playing field has been evened.

5. Show Your Partner How It’s Done

If you can orgasm on your own, try playing a little show-and-tell, teaching your partner how to mimic the thing(s) you do. Be specific. But remember: there are still some guys who don’t like being told what to do, who think that sex should come naturally and that getting tips from you is emasculating. If that’s not a deal breaker for you, then treat delicate egos gently, but not at the expense of asking for what you want/need.

And remember, just because your personal road to orgasm may not involve intercourse doesn’t mean the orgasm doesn’t count. Please refer back to #1.

6. Masturbate, Masturbate, Masturbate

If, on the other hand, you can’t orgasm on your own, then scratch everything else we’ve said for now and start masturbating! Often! Treat yourself to a nice vibrator, dim the lights, think some sexy thoughts and let the love flow. Because in our nearly twenty years of dishing sex advice, most women we’ve spoken to find it easier to learn solo first.

Even if you can orgasm on your own, it’s a good idea to mix up your masturbation practice. Try different strokes, pressures, rhythms — stuff that you might be able to incorporate easily during partner seshes.

7. Sex Toys Are Your Friend

If your partner is the jealous type, remind them that sex toys don’t cuddle and they’re useless at pillow talk. In addition to vibrating love rings, there are tons of other great toys for couples, like finger toys (which can really turn hand work up to eleven) and small pebble-like vibrators, which can nestle comfortably between your bodies.

8. Incorporate Lube

Have you lubed today? Remember, purpose-made lubricant is not a crutch and using it doesn’t mean you’re not that into the sex. In fact, lube is one of the greatest bedside accessories we know. Using lube means that your sensitive parts are less likely to get over-sensitive while you’re trying out various different hand, tongue, toy, and intercourse techniques. And you’ll avoid rug burn!

9. Try Not to Over-Think Your Orgasm

It sounds impossible, we know, but the more you stress about your happy ending, the less likely it is to happen. Sure, keep experimenting, and try out everything we’ve suggested here — but try not to think about this as a mission to O. Rather, it’s a mission to improve your sex life. Because orgasms are kind of like bad boys — the more you ignore them, the more likely they are to show up.

10. Finally, Be Patient

Just because your orgasm hasn’t made an appearance yet, doesn’t mean it won’t. Orgasms are mysterious things and sometimes things just click into place one day. Hey, long-term monogamy has got to have its benefits, otherwise we’d never enjoy the pleasure of board games.

We hate to sound like a self-help book (what color is your parachute, anyway?), but when it comes to sex, the journey is meant to be at least half the fun. Of course every woman has the right to an orgasm with her partner, and we understand our readers’ frustration.  You should definitely be demanding, but don’t forget to appreciate your relationship, too,  because having a good time together is the best foundation for having an orgasmic time together.

Gooooooooooo sex!

This post has been updated.


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  1. Thankyou, I have looked at that and thought in detail about CAT, but ..he required me to lay still, all I had to do was lie there. Yay.

  2. He was probably using the third technique listed above: “the Coital Alignment Technique (C.A.T.).”

  3. A long time ago a lover of mine could give me an orgasm by the way he moved whilst inside me, face to face, in the number 1 position, EVERYtime!! Never since has a man done that. It was a simple technique that he knew, but I never asked him to describe to me unfortunately as we split up and lost touch. So how come this is an elusive technique for men to simply learn. Surely there is a man that can teach it…FIND HIM and get him onto the comments, you’ll both make those millions then!

    1. Jill, this happened to me too…. except I married the man! lol. I think, for us at least, it’s an extra “squish flex” move, for lack of a better term, at the end of each thrust. It’s a slow, firm thrust that both engages my clitoris (the squish) and internal O spots (he flexes, and releases, which feels like he’s reaching orgasm for me, in return setting of my own orgasm). I think the biggest difference is how tuned into me he was/is, and also that someone finally invited my clit to the party, made sure she had tons of fun & wouldn’t let her go home until i was completely satisfied. While at the same time, putting pressure on those sensitive internal orgasm spots. This is probably different for each woman. Consider it a fun challenge to keep trying until you find what works best for you. You don’t need that previous guy to experience it again, just one patient and open to trying something different! Hope this helps a little.

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