photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’re gonna be smooth like butter this week. Better yet, you’re gonna be smooth like Fleischmann’s Light margarine spread. Have you ever felt that stuff? It’s so silky, so creamy, we swear you’ll want to get some vinyl sheets from the incontinence aisle at your drug store, open a tub of the marge, get naked with someone and starting buttering each other up like two slices of banana bread. Hey, maybe that could be the creative approach to getting to know someone better that’s in the stars for you this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Even if someone offered you a thousand bucks to put a cork in it this week, you’d be hard pressed to keep your mouth shut. It’s okay, everyone suffers the occasional bout of verbal diarrhea. Personally, it’d drive us nuts, but we don’t have to share a cubicle with you, and we certainly have no plans to swap spit with you. And lucky for you, there’s someone out there who doesn’t want you to put a cork in it–in fact, they consider your bubbling to be pure Veuve Cliquot. They’re dying to swap spit with you… and they might even be the very same person you share a cubicle with. Chance in a million, but we thought it was worth mentioning.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If there ever was a week to schedule seven online personals dates in a row, this is it. You will be nothing short of totally Energetic, Entertaining, and Engaging. The coveted hat trick of E’s! It’s your key to finding true love via online dating. Or at least an excuse to finally kick your prime time reality show habit.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
It’s time for your medicine. We know you hate those super-serious, state-of-the-relationship Talks, but there’s only so long you can put it off for. Trust us, you’ll feel much better once you know for sure where you stand (assuming you’re not totally off in your educated guess as to the state of the relationship, in which case, it serves you right for waiting for so long and we hope you’ve learned your lesson for next time). And who knows? Maybe you’ll even be rewarded with a lil’ “sugar” to help the medicine go down.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
As John McEnroe was fond of saying, “You can’t be serious.” (And yes, we realize we’re dating ourselves here. We stopped watching tennis when the female tennis players traded in grunting for primping.) Indulge in whatever tasty treats take your fancy this week, but don’t get too attached to any particular cupcake. It’s all fun and games until someone starts taking things too seriously. And certainly don’t try to get that cupcake to commit. What are you, crazy? It’s just a piece of bread with icing on top, dude.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The whole trick to writing horoscopes is to make them applicable both to the sweet young couple on their second date and the dirty old marrieds who just bought a strap-on together. Of course, it’s not a “trick”–it’s an art, it’s a science, and it’s mystical as hell, alright? So here’s yours: Take the path less traveled this week when it comes to romance. Now that’s a horoscope.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Channel your inner Pat Benatar and hit ‘em with yuor best shot. And we don’t mean finally punching out your annoying cubicle neighbor who insists on saying “L.O.L.” instead of actually laughing at funny emails. No, we’re talking about that total hottie whose only annoying quality is their refusal–thus far, at least–to sleep with you. This week, they’ll finally give you the opportunity to prove your love and devotion. So give it all you’ve got, whether that’s a Power Point presentation or an interpretative dance. And if that horoscope reading is too specific for you, try this one on for size: Persistance is a virtue with many rewards. This week, it’s time to reap those rewards.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Stand up and be counted and you will appeal to lots of potential partners who are in the crowd. Your strength to speak out for what you believe in will prompt someone to ask you out. Of course, if you’re only going to espouse Rush Limbaugh’s party line, then we recommend sitting your ass down and shutting your pie hole for the sake of your sex life.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Keep all zippers zipped, all flies flying high, all underwear on, and all trays in their upright and locked positions. If you can’t stand the heat, then go rub one out in the kitchen. Just remember to close the blinds first.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Be open and receptive to advances being made this week. Yeah, right, you’re thinking: Like you spend every weekend thinking, “Oh god, I hope that hottie doesn’t ask me for my number/to dance/to dine at Mario Batali’s new restaurant.” But perhaps there are ways in which you unintentionally make yourself less open/receptive to advances. We can’t really think of any right now, but maybe you can.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
When it comes to making that leap, if you’re not absolutely convinced that your parachute is in good working order, then don’t leap. Duh.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re a little bit nuts. You’re into table-dancing, sky-diving (oopsie!), and eating cereal for dinner, you rebel you. You’re a little bit rock’n'roll, absolutely no country. So if you choose a partner who’s into Marie Osmond, it’s not really gonna work out.

MORE FROM EMandLO.com:

• 5 Ways to Rekindle the Flame
• 10 Unsexy Things That Can Improve Your Sex Life
• 10 Things You Never Want to Hear After a First Kiss

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
So maybe there’s no Santa Claus, and perhaps the tooth fairy turned out to be pretty damned useless once you’d got all your grown-up teeth. But yes, Virginia, there is a Cupid, and this week, he’s in your corner. So make like Rocky and own the ring; with any luck, by sundown Friday you’ll be yelling “Adrian! Adrian!” in the throes of passion. Actually, come to think of it, best not to say “Adrian” unless you’re actually sleeping with one. Using your luvver’s own name adds a nice personal touch.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You know that old trope that you don’t have to end up alone if you don’t choose to? We’d like to state for the record: That’s kakapootie. Sure, you can always be with someone, as long as standards aren’t an issue for you. (“No personality, no manners, no oral skills? No problem!”) What you can control is how often you get out and about and meet people — and the more people you meet, the less likely you are to have to lower your standards. Hey, it’s just numbers, folks.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Teabaggers think their taxes have been raised. American Idol sucks this year. Doesn’t anyone care about poverty anymore? Inflated salaries have sucked all the joie de vivre out of sports. The Vatican should be prosecuted for organized crime. Who said you could blow second-hand smoke my way? Blah blah blah–why do you have to be so opinionated all the time? Can’t you just sit back and let the TV wash over you like the rest of us? No? Well, good for you. But if you want to get laid this week, you might want to turn it down to four or five and save your big “the world is ending” rant for the morning after.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you’re looking for someone who is dedicated, loyal, and ready for a relationship, you should attend some of the worthy activities going on in your local community. Hell, even a book-signing will do, as long as it’s not an Ann Coulter book. But if you’re looking for someone who is conniving, backstabbing, and emotionally unavailable, then take your pick from any of the losers hanging out at your local bar.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Here’s your problem: You don’t know how to make the first move. You don’t believe in your own seduction skills! Here’s your solution: You gotta have faith. Oh yeah, and remember: Cheesy lines never work. “Hi, my name is [fill in the blank]” is the only line you’ll ever need to know.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Does personal integrity matter anymore? Is honesty still a virtue? We get countless letters asking us how to cheat and get away with it. Lies, even lies of omission, get you in trouble. If you lie, than you live a lie. Liar, liar, pants on fire, etc, etc. You get the picture: What you do and what you say should be one and the same this week, as always.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Admit it: You’re no Cyrano on your best days, and this will not be a week of best days. But that doesn’t mean you have to plagiarize in order to get laid. Instead, work with what you’ve got: The heart of a Good Samaritan and more creative ideas than Martha Stewart after five years in the slammer. Do something nice for your intended, and then sit back and wait for the booty to come your way. Oh, it will alright, you can be sure of that.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Twenty-thirteen is treating you very well so far; you’re the arm candy du jour and everyone wants a piece of you. Make the most of this aura of cool and pledge your undying love (or at least your amorous intentions) to that cutie you’ve had your eye on. We’re pretty damn sure you’ll get the response you’re looking for. And if you don’t? Well, they’re an idiot, you’re still hotter than Georgia asphalt, and at least there are plenty more horny fishes in the sea just dying to be runner up this week.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Some people are paralyzed by the prospect of making decisions. They fear they’ll make the wrong choice, that one wrong move–like buying the generic toothpaste on sale rather than the Colgate Total–could set in motion an irreversible course of events that will determine whether or not they die alone and destitute. So they procrastinate, overanalyze, and stress. Ultimately, they don’t decide, just let the toothpaste fall where it may, which is of course a kind of decision all of its own. Usually, these people feel out of control, constantly worried, like there’s a void. And this week, we’re saying that’s a good thing for you. Embrace the indecision. Sit on your ass. See how the other half suffers and it’ll serve your love life well. Don’t worry, you can go back to taking charge of your destiny next week, after some sucker’s taken pity on you and taken you home.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Freedom, woah, freedom, that’s just some people talking: Your prison is walking through this world all alone. And so went a hundred thousand high school yearbook quotes. In the long run, we tend to be down with the Eagles’ pro-commitment philosophy. But if you commit to the wrong person, damn if it doesn’t feel like a prison. Resist the urge to wallow in your loneliness while listening to old Eagles’ albums this week, and save all that commitment until you’re sure you’ve found a worthy recipient.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If you want to know how someone really feels about you, ask him or her outright. Don’t break into their email account, don’t fake a personal ad and try to get them to respond to you, don’t have your BFF pass them a note with check-off boxes about whether or not they’d go steady with you. No, communication (which may or may not mean confrontation) is the best way to know where you stand. Because you have to know where you stand before you can move forward. For instance, if you figure out you’re standing at the end of a plank over a pool of sharks who lust the blood of a broken heart, only then will you realize in which single direction you can move.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We hate to be the ones to break it to you, but you can’t always be Cinderella. And this week, the shoe doesn’t fit. No matter how many toes you hack off–at least, that’s how it went in the rather gruesome version of the fairy tale we remember, thanks Mom and Dad–this glass slipper relationship is still not going to be right for you. And don’t think you can get away with rationalizing that “it’ll do for now.” ‘Cause if you insist on shoving your big-ass ugly feet into those glass slippers while you wait for your own prince(ss) charming to come along, when s/he finally does, you’ll have so many blisters that you’ll be unfit for any kind of shoe. Even those super comfy “looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker” kind.

MORE FROM EMandLO.com:

• 5 Ways to Rekindle the Flame
• 10 Unsexy Things That Can Improve Your Sex Life
• 10 Things You Never Want to Hear After a First Kiss

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Blame it on hormones, blame it on too many romantic comedies last week, blame it on springtime–whatever it is, you’ve got the urge to merge. Permanently. Avoid socializing in your same old haunts, lest you wind up making a lifelong commitment to your favorite barfly–think outside the box.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Everyone wants to be a movie star. But with fame comes the risk of an inflated sense of self-importance and an ego the size of a Buick. You get used to getting anything and everything you want, the way you want it, immediately. But we don’t have to tell you that in real life things don’t work that way. (We don’t have to tell you that, but we just did anyway.) Compromise may not be as glamorous as ordering a bottle of Dom at the VIP table and pouring it in an ice bucket just to chill your second bottle of Dom for the sixteen supermodels you’ve surrounded yourself with ’cause that’s the way you like it, ahuh, ahuh. But come on, does that really sound like fun?

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If, at 108, Hugh Hefner can have 15 girlfriends at a time and, better still, walk around in his pajamas all day long, then you certainly can find a way to live out a few of your mini-fantasies for a day or two this week. Just get a new pair of slippers and see what happens.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
We know we always say that playing hard to get went out with VCRs (so over). And generally, we are big proponents of playing it straight (but not in the square way). This week, however, you might want to go a little retro and play a teensy-weensy bit hard to get. Just don’t tell anyone we told you so, okay? We’ve got a rep to protect.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Public transportation is often cheap, dirty and boring. Sex with strangers is often the same way. Travel in (and with) style this week–hell, this year.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Don’t get all Chris Brown on your lover’s ass this week. Chill, and get another tattoo or something. Confrontation will only land you in the doghouse, or–heaven forbid–the jailhouse. Save your pent-up frustrations for the homemade sex video shoot.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Slow down, you move too fast. You got to make the morning last. Hey, who says it’s not Simon & Garfunkel Week? Sometimes their hippy dippy lyrics get to the point of life and love quickly and efficiently. Apply the above line to your romantic approach this week, and you should be feeling groovy.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Love is likely to develop in the strangest ways this week. Kind of like when you pick up the wrong roll of film from the photo lab and discover exactly what your next-door neighbor likes to do with his . . . no, no, we can’t say, no one else should have to bear the burden of that knowledge. Except, with love, it’s a nice surprise, and we don’t call it “gross,” we call it “serendipity.”

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ll be in an affectionate mood this week, so don’t waste it. Get in touch with someone who interests you and make a date. It’s time you took control of your love life. Kind of like Demi Moore in St. Elmo’s Fire when she does all that cocaine with the sheiks in the fancy hotel and Judd Nelson* comes to take her home and she says, “What, and waste all this good coke?” Except, in your case, you’re just high on life.
(* Or was it Andrew McCarthy? If you remember, please tell us in the comments, it’s killing us!)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
As a kid in school, romantic relationships were easy, and often built in a day: you go to a kegger in the woods after school on a Friday, get to second base with a new special friend that night and end up dating for the rest of the year until Prom, when you get drunk on your Mom’s Peach Schnapps and end up making out with your high school math teacher. Not so as an adult: these days, relationships take time. Friendships need to be established first. You don’t necessarily have to give anyone a brightly colored, beaded friendship pin to put on their Keds, but some kind of nod to your blossoming friendship can only help get you to second later.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Never just assume monogamy and commitment in the early stages of dating someone — even if you’re a bit of a romantic, an idealist, a dreamer. Like Sherlock Holmes (and those of us with our feet on this planet) know: Assume nothing! The only way you can be sure you and someone new are playing by the same rules is to open your mouth and define those rules. Even then, there’s no guarantee. But at least when you catch your new luvva in bed with your boss, you’ll be comforted–albeit minimally–by the fact that you were open and honest, unlike that no-good, lying piece of poopoo.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You may be in the mood, but whomever you’re with will be looking for a commitment. Be sure you know what you’re doing. Don’t let your heart rule your head, or you may end up in a sticky situation.

MORE FROM EMandLO.com:

• 5 Ways to Rekindle the Flame
• 10 Unsexy Things That Can Improve Your Sex Life
• 10 Things You Never Want to Hear After a First Kiss

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
There’s all kinds a’ passion, as Bubba might say. Love-passion, sex-passion, football-passion, jealous-passion. Mistaking one for the other can lead to trouble.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
So maybe Paula Abdul believed that opposites attract, but since when do you take dating advice from a pill-popping ex Idol judge who once put Keanu Reeves in one of her music videos? We’re not going to tell you to stop being attracted to a certain someone (that’s like asking Kobe Bryant to please stop being so tall, or Lindsay Lohan to please stop being so dramatic). But we will say this: take it as slowly as your libido allows for (feel free to chew on ice). Because we have a feeling that pretty soon all those little “quirks” that you find so endearing (their NRA membership, their facial tattoo, their belief in personal energy fields, whatever) will be as annoying to you as they are to the rest of us. And then won’t you be sorry if you already slept with them?

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Life isn’t always like the movies — sorry, we hate to burst your bubble — but we have occasionally found some useful dating tips in the Oscar-winning ones. As Good as It Gets, for example. Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt, “You make me want to be a better man.” Even if you don’t have OCD, there’s a lesson here: Mr. or Ms. Right doesn’t arrive neatly packaged on your doorstep with postal insurance and a “Right” label on their forehead. No, you and your right-hand man or woman will inspire each other to be better people (and more right for each other) on a daily basis. If you keep your standards high, everyone will have a happy ending.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Em eats pizza with mayonnaise. (Gross, right?) But you’d be amazed at what a conversation starter this is. She’s made more than one acquaintance by catching someone’s eye with this disgusting dietary habit, yes sirree. This week, take Em’s lead and really focus on what makes you unique, what truly sets you apart, and perhaps you can skeeve out someone you’d have otherwise never met.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
In the immortal words of rock band Pearl Jam, country singer Faith Hill, and actor Drew Barrymore in the movie Ever After:  “Just breathe.” Everyone’s got a little anger and anxiety brewing — if you didn’t, you’d be Deepak Chopra (and we have a feeling his sex life is a bit of a yawner). Just don’t let these emotions get in the way of your good time this week — or your partner’s.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
In Buffy, the Vampire Slayer (the 1992 movie, of course), our shop-aholic savior doesn’t go out looking for fangsters. No, they come to her. She doesn’t act, she just reacts, breaking hearts left and right. You’ll be able to relate this week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, go to a club that does punk-rock karaoke with a live band. Even if you’ve never been before, even if it’s not quite your thing, get up there and give it a shot, shake your groove thang, sing off-key, etc. You’re sure to make an ass of yourself, but who knows, in the process you might wind up meeting some new and interesting people. Or you could just end up getting your ass kicked. But sometimes making a special friend or two is worth a black eye. (That’s so punk rock anyway.) Okay, okay, you don’t necessarily have to sing “Anarchy in the UK” in front of a bunch of black-clad, studded-belt wearing strangers, but it could be a good time for you to break out and bust a few new moves in front of a wider audience.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
As much as we wanted the body wave, the red nails, the off-the-shoulder shirt and the shiny, black, painted-on pants, we always liked — and related to — the inquisitive, thoughtful, pensive Sandra Dee. Personifying Sandy Version 1.0 this week could really help you transform into the hot, black-clad, sex cat you’re destined to be.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We’re not suggesting you play hard to get (and god forbid we ever give out such low-life advice), but we will say this: What’s your rush? You have all the time in the world, and the longer you take to make your decision, the more attentive a certain someone will become. (Which is not your goal, of course; it’s simply a pleasant side effect.)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If Hollywood were high school (wait, you mean Hollywood isn’t one big high school?), then Reese Witherspoon would be prom queen and homecoming queen and class president and captain of the soccer team, too. And try as you might, you just wouldn’t be able to dislike her, because she’d be so nice to all the geeks, even you. Except you don’t live in Hollywood so you don’t have to be the geek, you get to be Reese Witherspoon! Yeah, that’s what we meant to say: if your life were Hollywood, then you’d be the impossible-to-resist Reese Witherspoon this week. And you didn’t even have to lose thirty pounds or get a nose job to be that way.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
What do Susan Powter, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Donald Trump, Courtney Love, Patti Stanger, and your spinning instructor at the gym have in common? Yes, they’re all quite scary in their own inimitable ways, but what else? That’s right: they’re aggressive. And we have a feeling they have pretty amazing sex lives too (or at least they think they have pretty amazing sex lives, which is half the battle). Follow their lead and take the lead.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
No one ever met the love of their life sitting home on a Saturday night in front of their computer. Unless of course they were using online personals, in which case they were either on their way to meeting Mr./Ms. Right or to having a great horror dating story to tell at cocktail parties. As much as we encourage you to post an ad and respond to others online, sometimes you’ve just got to put the mouse down and go outside for some fresh air and in-the-flesh flirting. Your ass will thank you for it.

MORE FROM EMandLO.com:

• 5 Ways to Rekindle the Flame
• 10 Unsexy Things That Can Improve Your Sex Life
• 10 Things You Never Want to Hear After a First Kiss

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, we present your horos in short poem form:

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Let’s get physical
Sang Olivia Newton.
Don’t listen to her!

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Open up your mouth
And speak the truth of your heart.
Easy on the tongue.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Share your moodiness.
Sometimes you feel like a “nut,”
and sometimes you don’t.

Read the rest of this entry »

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Being as mysterious as the “special house meat” will work in your favor this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You have such a unique way of approaching people that it’s a miracle you don’t scare all the hotties away. But somehow, it works for you. This week, you’ll meet someone just as “creative.” You two freaks should be very happy together.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you’re hot and you know it, make a move. If you’re hot and you know it make a move. If you’re hot and you know it and you really want to show it, if you’re hot and you know it, make a move! (But don’t do any silly dances.)

Read the rest of this entry »

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t just sit there thinking about your love life (that’s what we’re paid to do) — get out there and do something about it. Like what, you ask snottily? Well, let’s see, things that won’t get you a date include: whining to us, whining to your therapist, whining to your goldfish, trimming your nose hairs. Things that might get you a date include: going to your ten-year high school reunion, joining a community service group, actively using online dating, becoming rich and famous. Oh, and if you do get a date, trim your nose hairs first.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Your energetic nature — frequently dissed by those close to you as “spazziness”–will attract all the right people this week. So don’t tone it down, no matter how many dirty looks you get from strangers in public places. Will those strangers be taking you home for a night of passion later? We didn’t think so.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Mercury retrograde has been over for a few weeks now. We have no idea what this means, but we think it bodes well for your romantic life. Especially since you are beginning to feel more like settling down. We don’t know how we know that either, but it’s true, right? Creepy, we know.

Read the rest of this entry »

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Go on that blind date, the one your friend keeps nudging you to pursue. Strangely enough, your short-term memory will impress them. But it’s your impeccable long-term memory that will get them into bed.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
A life of navel gazing is fine for philosophers, but even they get out of their armchairs occasionally for a little Greek lovin’. This week, you’ll want to give up the contemplation to pursue less lofty, more corporeal adventures, in the spirit of Vin or Ahnold or Action Jackson. Remember, overthinking things is what got Hamlet killed, and Keanu Reeves is only hot when he acts like the idiot he is. Now that’s deep.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
As far as romantic concerns go, you’re going to change your mind more than Cher used to change costumes during a show. One day, you’ll believe in life after love. The next, you’ll be drowning your sorrows in drink, pouring your heart out to a pre-op she-male in a sailor hat and fishnets at your local dive bar, giving up on life and love completely. Don’t worry, though: The beat goes on.

Read the rest of this entry »

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Damn, Aries, you’re on fire. And when we say it, it’s not like your grandmother saying it (which would be kinda weird): It actually counts. Don’t be shy about the attention you’ve been garnering lately, it’s about time you were objectified a little. Bask in the glow. Now would be an excellent time to attend a high school reunion.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Uh oh, superficiality alert. Given the choice this week, you are likely to favor style over substance. If you’re just looking for a piece of arm candy to accompany you to some fancy event sure to be attended by your dillweed ex, then go right ahead. Otherwise, we strongly suggest you rethink your strategy. Because when the cameras stop rolling and dillweed ex is no longer watching, you’re the one who has to make conversation with that dunderhead hottie who thinks euthanasia is a program for troubled kids in China.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Think of all this alone time as one of those “personal growth experiences.” Take long introspective walks in the rain, buy a single can of beer at the deli for your viewing of “Girls” reruns on demand, write a poem about your feelings, listen to Enya. And don’t forget to thank god for masturbation.

Read the rest of this entry »

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Just try to be a good person this week. We know, it’s hard, and you’d rather put yourself first, think the worst of everyone, huff and puff at people getting in your way on the subway, complain that your lover never goes down on you, etc, etc. But just give yourself a week — okay, a day — to be kind to strangers, bite your tongue when you feel yourself start to bitch, and just be a giver in bed. This has nothing to do with your horoscope (’cause, trust us, your message from the stars was super boring), but if you take our advice, we’re sure you’ll have a great week!

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You wouldn’t be the first dater in the world to prefer partners who can support you financially. But admitting this to potential partners will be about as romantically effective as showing them your ringworm infection on the first date.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
When in doubt, pick the one who laughs at your jokes.

Read the rest of this entry »