Your Weekly Horoscopes: Back-to-School Edition

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Your hormones are raging, you feel like you’re the last virgin on earth, and you just want someone to listen to Depeche Mode cassettes, write bad poetry and fall in love with. So you muster the courage to go to the kegger in the woods and try to fit in without […]

Your Weekly Horoscopes: Random-Old-TNT-Movies Edition

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Mystic Pizza: While Runaway Bride is clearly a classic, we tend to favor the 1988 Mystic Pizza when it comes to Julia Roberts flicks. Big hair, long earrings, one-shouldered dresses, Julia’s butt (pre-personal trainer), Matt Damon’s bit-part — what’s not to love? Julia may have been a waitress in a small-town pizza […]

Your Weekly Horoscopes: August 17th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Someone you have a crush on is going to poop on you, just like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. But don’t let it get you down: there are plenty of dogs in the sea who’ve been potty trained. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) This week, stop talking, start doing. ‘Nuff said. gemini […]

Your Weekly Horoscopes: August 10th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You will get laid. Well and often. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Talk to the crotch ’cause the face ain’t listening. gemini (May 21st-June 21st) Do not go to the Olive Garden this week. cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd) If your partner won’t dress up like a Catholic School nun and spank your […]

Your Weekly Horoscopes: August 3rd, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) The chance of reuniting with someone from your past or getting together with someone at your work this week is, like, huge. Huge. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Here’s your problem: You’re such a wuss! Here’s your solution: Make the damn call already. You may be pleasantly surprised. And even if you’re not, […]

Fortune Cookie Horoscopes: July 27th, 2015

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Absence makes the heart grow fonder but procrastination just pisses it off. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) […]

Your Weekly Horoscopes: July 20th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You’ve got a secret horoscope this week, aries. In order to decode this very important message, you’ve got to crack the code. Hint: take one step back and two steps forward. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Of course, you should never rule […]

One-Word Horoscopes: July 13th, 2015

If brevity is the soul of wit, maybe it’s the heart of all decent horoscopes. Learn your word, love your word, live your word this week. Read between the letters. Use it in a sentence. aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Bond. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Hesitate. gemini (May 21st-June 21st) Confess. cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd) Discriminate […]

Your Weekly Horoscopes: July 6th, 2015

  aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Don’t dip your pen in the company inkwell (or vice versa). taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Things you should take a chance on: wearing a bathingsuit in public; eating vegan for a week (it won’t turn you hippie, we promise); telling potential partners that you used to be a folk singer […]

Your 4th of July Weekend Horoscopes

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) It’s time to sign your own Declaration of Independence: You are better off being friends with everyone for now until you […]