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Your Thanksgiving Horoscopes: 11-24-14

November 24, 2014

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photo by thestarmama

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You don’t have to take drastic, Jackass-like measures in order to get attention, like sticking your head up the butt of an entire uncooked turkey just for laughs. Instead, let your sensitive side shine through. Make friends with the turkey.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You can have it all if you follow the savory smells of sex and unbuckle your pants to make room. This bounty is yours to devour.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Say what’s on your mind. If you’re a vegetarian, don’t eat the meat just to be polite. Because then you might throw up, and that’s not polite either.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be full of energy this week. We’re talking about the kind of energy you exude during an intense game of Cranium with the family, when you’re frantically and somewhat pathetically trying to walk like a penguin in the hopes that sis will eventually stop shouting “Stick up the butt” and correctly guess “Charlie Chaplin,” before cous’ and that annoying know-it-all uncle of yours get it right and win the game for the third year in a row. It’s that kind of energy that may piss off your relatives but will appeal to your romantic partner(s).

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Take action and you’ll receive the kind of love you’re looking for. If you take time to talk, all will be lost this week. i.e., play Pictionary instead of Balderdash.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Face it, you’re never going to impress your partner with your cooking skills. Focus instead on what they love you for (money, fame, sex, season tickets to the Knicks, etc. ).

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Move on, loser. S/he’s never coming back. That’s what you get for burning the turkey last year.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You don’t need to settle for someone who is still committed to someone else. No one gets two turkey dinners. Make sure they get a plate of mashed potatoes in the face if they try.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, you’ll find love in the strangest places. So what the hell, accept that invite from your parents’ friends’ socially awkward son/daughter to get a fancy cocktail at the local Chili’s while you’re home over Thanksgiving. The only downside is that if you do meet a hottie at the bar, you’ll be forced to admit to your friends that you met in Chili’s, and you might have to go back once a year on your anniversary. But really, isn’t that a small price to pay for true wuv?

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You can’t rush a relationship anymore than you can rush the cooking of a turkey (unless you deep-fry it, and that’s plain gross). Slow down and take time to stop and smell the turkey.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s a good thing a bunch of family holidays are coming up, because you need some kind of speed bump on your highway of sin. And what better to keep your mind off of cheap and easy sex than a visit with your big, blue-haired Auntie Bertha? The only legs that should be spreading in anticipation of a good stuffing this Thanksgiving are the turkey’s.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The stars suggest politely that “you may want to avoid too much interaction with others this week. ” Apparently you’re liable to sweat the little things and have trouble keeping your cool. Hey, that sounds just like Thanksgiving at our house. We don’t recommend trying to wrangle your way out of any Turkey Day plans — that’s taking this advice a little too seriously — but you might want to reconsider making it a five-day weekend.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 11-17-14

November 17, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If your mind’s in the gutter but your ass is on the La-Z-Boy, chances are the only person you’re going to be talking dirty to is your teddy bear. If you’re looking for a more interactive experience, as it were, you’re going to have to get out of the house every once in a while. Though, if your dirty talking skills are a little rusty, practicing on your teddy bear is not the worst idea in the world. But if you do any more than talk, we don’t want to know about it.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Aggressive or pushy action will push back and slap you in the face this week, so take the quiet approach and let any potential candidate for love come to you and sit on your face.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Make your move — you won’t be sorry. (And if you are sorry, don’t come crying to us; we’ve got very good lawyers and we haven’t lost a case yet.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You are cruisin’ for a bruisin’ of your heart (and other organs) if you don’t ease up on the quick and casual, purely physical trysts. Animal lust is a beautiful thing, but so is Barbie, and we all know she’s not the first person we’d want around when the shit comes down. There’s something to be said for having a partner who has more between their ears than rubber-smelling air.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If the art of seduction is like a fine wine, then you’ve been drinking too much Strawberry Boone’s. You’re about as subtle as a blonde joke. Watch how your friends do it: Trust us, they’re better at this game than you are.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
This week, it’s like you’ve got a flashing red neon sign around your neck that reads “I love you” or at least “I’ll do you” — whichever is more of a sexual turn-on to those jamming on your groove. Brace yourself for the action that’s coming your way, cause it won’t all be good: Imagine a defensive lineman in full gear running your way at full speed with a bouquet of roses. It’s okay with us if you choose to run.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
When you’ve got a lot of hotties tugging on your pants and none are asking the annoying questions like ” Wanna go steady?” or “Where is this relationship going?”, it makes juggling seem like a viable option. But there is such a thing as too many balls in one person’s life. Pull your pants up and force yourself to ask an equally annoying question of at least some of your tuggers: “Why don’t we just be friends?”

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Your spirit is a wild bird, and it cannot be tamed! It soars high over potential mates, taunting them with droppings. Some will flap their wings and try to touch the sky with you. But only a special few will be able to catch up. Those are the kindred ones, and they’re the keepers. If we’re still making sense to you, then you’ve been reading these horoscopes far too religiously for far too long.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The stars are always down on secret affairs. Just once we’d like them to say, “Hey, Sag, this week is perfect for lying and cheating.” Now that would be a little slice of heaven. But it ain’t ever going to happen. Because no matter how much pull they have with the tides, they can’t make illicit affairs morally conscionable. Damn them!

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, embrace your inner sensualist and set the scene. Don’t worry about being labelled a soft jazz hippie; if you light a scented candle and break out the essential oils for a quiet night in with your partner, it’s like a tree falling down in a forest — no one will know. If, however, you put Yanni on the stereo, it is nothing like a tree falling down in a forest: Your neighbors will hear it. Hell, people can tell that shit just by looking at you.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s not your birthday, but it might as well be, because guess what? The stars insist that you play the field this week. Apparently your head and your heart are going in different directions, or something like that. What do you care, though? You’re too busy getting busy to notice.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Whoa, Nellie. You’ve been wooing with the tenacity of a paparazzi photographer of late. Hang back a little, play it cool–that hottie is not quite ready for their close-up with you yet.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 11-10-14

November 10, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Your attention span for relationships currently rivals that of the average Buzzfeed reader. Consequently, don’t dabble in anything too serious —- instead, surround yourself with a poo-poo platter of mini-flings to suit your tastes. Maybe next week you’ll grow up a bit. . . uh, we mean, be ready to make a few important decisions.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If we had a dime bag for every time the stars told us to convey the message “Flaunt what you’ve got and you’ll get the attention you deserve,” we’d be stoned out of our minds. Fortunately the stars don’t deal in narcotics, so we’re still clear-headed enough to be able to tell you this: Flaunt what you’ve got and you’ll get the attention you deserve.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you live in the north of the U.S. like we do, there’s some unseasonably mean cold weather coming your way this week (they’re calling it the “Bomb Cyclone,” which we guess is supposed to sound a lot scarier than “Polar Vortex”). In other words, you should find someone cuddly and bunker down with them for the week. We’re thinking Olive Kitteridge (HBO On Demand), red wine, and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. If you’re single, may we suggest you get on Tinder, stat, while it’s still warm enough to head outside and meet your blind date.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Don’t just sit there thinking about your love life (that’s our job) -— get out there and do something about it. Like what, you ask snottily? Well, let’s see, things that won’t get you a date include: whining to us, whining to your therapist, whining to your goldfish, trimming your toe nails. Things that might get you a date include: going to your 5/10/15/20-year high school reunion, joining a community service group, actively using online personals, becoming rich and famous. Oh, and if you do get a date, trim your toe nails first.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Ironically, staying very busy this week will be the key to finding someone to lie around in bed with all day.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Apparently you will be a silver tongued communicator this week. So we recommend setting your sights a little higher than simply using your new-found oratorical skills to order a particularly complicated sandwich at the deli.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You should consider wearing one of those “keep back fifty yards” t-shirts this week. Proximity to hotties will get you all flustered, and not in an endearing way -— we’re talking pit stains and clammy hands. If you don’t want someone to see you lose your cool this early on in the seduction process (and trust us, it won’t be pretty), then keep your distance. And wear deodorant.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can’t solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it’s just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial. Hi, Renee Zellweger.) But anyway, you’re too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it’s twice the therapy and doesn’t leave scars or rot your teeth.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Put a collar on yourself and hand your date the leash. Let them lead the way. Better to see where they’re going rather than taking off for the nearest fire hydrant and embarrassing yourself. (We don’t intend for you to take this advice literally, unless you’d like to dabble in a little BDSM role playing . . . in which case, don’t use a real dog collar but a made-for-play one, and always lead from the front!)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We talk a big game here about not assuming exclusivity in a relationship until you’ve had “the talk,” but dating in a plural sense is not for the faint of heart. No matter how honest you are with everyone involved (you have been honest with everyone, haven’t you?), you can only keep it going for so long before someone starts to get upset, pouty, jealous, or psycho. We’re only human, after all, and “thanks so much for the great head, I have to go shower for my next date” doesn’t make anyone feel warm and fuzzy. It might be time to make like the Bachelor/ette and start kicking some of your followers to the curb. If you can arrange to have them picked up in a limo, that would be a nice touch.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You won’t have any trouble finding love this week, but if you are too accommodating and decide to spread yourself around, you may hurt someone’s feelings. There is something to be said for monogamy. And that’s not even coming from us monogamy whores -— that’s coming straight from the stars!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You wouldn’t happen to have feelings for more than one person, now, would you? Come on, you can tell us. Maybe you’re feeling just a little tug from someone in another direction. . . We knew it! We have no advice for you, we just wanted to see if we were right.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 11-03-14

November 3, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
We’re assuming the stars are talking about love, but this may apply to a friendship or a business relationship for all we know: Don’t turn your back on someone who has been loyal to you for years. Shame on you for even considering it! Think of everything they’ve ever done for you. Sure, they may be completely annoying in their own special way, but that’s part of their charm. Don’t walk away from them, not if you want us to talk to you again.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Anger and resentment will follow if someone becomes too clingy too fast. Just be sure you’re not mistaking true love for clingy-ness, because someday people will stop clinging and then you’ll die all alone.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You are likely to run out of steam when you need it the most this week. Pace yourself, drink lots of water, and think about baseball.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Just because you’re in a good mood, that doesn’t mean everyone else you pass should “smile — it can’t be that bad!” Just because you’re in a bad mood, doesn’t mean you have to poo poo everyone else’s good time. Just because you think it’s a brilliant idea, that won’t mean your colleagues will too. Just because you want to do it, doesn’t automatically mean your partner wants to stop watching TV. Just because your dog wags its tail when you do that thing, that doesn’t make it right, you sick, sick bastard.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
The more passionate you are about something that you are involved in, the more likely you are to meet someone who is attracted to you, as well as everything you believe in and stand for. Are you really interested in being a married Evangelical pastor, or did you sign up just because it seemed like the thing to do? Find a cause you actually care about, one you can get behind with gusto, like Free Beer Fridays or Gimps Are People Too. Besides, that rumor you heard about pastors getting a free pass on gay sex with prostitutes is not true. Total urban legend, man.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
If your mind’s in the gutter but your ass is on the La-Z-Boy, chances are the only person you’re goind to be talking dirty to is your teddy bear. If you’re looking for a more interactive experience, as it were, you’re going to have to get out of the house every once in a while. Though, if your dirty talking skills are a little rusty, practicing on your teddy bear is not the worst idea in the world. But if you do any more than talk, we don’t want to know about it.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don’t believe the lies of the person trying to seduce you right now!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Scorpio, let’s work on our indoor voice, shall we? This whole social butterfly thing you’ve got going works fine in the bar (or on line at the DMV), but in one-on-one situations, it’s a little much. Tone it down a tad once you hit the bedroom, lest you scare away the hotties (or piss off their neighbors).

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Go to bed without brushing your teeth for once. Hit the snooze button a third time. Leave on the conditioner for a minute longer than the bottle tells you to. You know: go nuts. Most of all, let your heart rule your head. Remember, it doesn’t have to “make sense,” it just has to be legal and consensual. If anyone questions your state of mind, just tell them that if loving this way is wrong, you don’t want to be right.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Being needy will be a problem. If you try too hard you will end up with someone who will take advantage of you. You are probably better off spending time alone with a good book. Like the fabulous book, 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink. Have you heard of it? It’ll help kill the time until you finally find someone cool to knock boots with.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s time to turn on the charm and make a splash — or, as we like to call it, pulling a Hilary Rodham Clinton. You’re your own sexual agent, and sometimes that means rolling up your sleeves and doing a little self-promotion. Stop short of an “Am I Hot or What?” press release, but don’t shy away from anything else. Trust us on this one: We know from self-promotion. Once you bite the bullet and start, it’s addictive! (Did we mention we our fabulous book, 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink?)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
When you fall for someone, it’s like you become a Jehovah’s Witness: you do everything in your power to convince the object of your affections to see the light and join you on this journey of love. Yet they almost always resist when you come on so strong, practically slamming the door in your face. Don’t put your foot in the door jam — you’ll just end up with a broken toe, maybe even a cop or two responding to the 911 call your beloved made when you wouldn’t back down. The best thing you can do is just quietly walk away. One look at that ass as you leave the front porch, and they’ll be calling you up for salvation before you know it.

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Your Halloween Horoscopes: 10-27-14

October 27, 2014

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pumpkin_puke_421photo via Flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
What’s the hurry? Take your time and get to know a potential partner a little before considering becoming intimate. In the meantime, bob for apples without using your teeth to practice for the oral sex to come later.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Being a stickler about guests wearing costumes to the party you’re throwing tonight is great…to a point. Yes, when people feel they don’t have a choice, they feel less weird about dressing up — and getting everyone on board means no party poopers to make the participants feel like assholes for dressing up as Sexy Ebola. But some people are so against getting outfitted, that they’d rather not attend than be forced to wear a hospital gown or a kitty cat outfit. And are you really going to turn someone away who doesn’t show up in drag? Sometimes it’s good to let things slide a little. This, of course, is a metaphor for your love life.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Trick or treat, smell your feet, give your partner something good to eat — this is the best dating advice we can offer you for tonight.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-20-14

October 20, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Anger and resentment will follow if someone becomes too clingy too fast. Just be sure you’re not mistaking true love for clingy-ness, because someday people will stop clinging and then you’ll die all alone.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
What you want and what you get may be two different things. Try to be honest about who you are and what you are looking for. If you aren’t interested in someone, don’t lead him or her on. In other words, if you’re not really a firefighter or a Good Person, don’t dress like one on Halloween.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Consider yourself warned: There are some people who will assume that just because you’re dressed as a doormat this Halloween, you want to be treated as such. So be prepared to point out the line between fantasy and reality. And practice saying the word no… and meaning it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If your partner has been sneaking around a lot lately, don’t assume they’re having an affair. Maybe they’re planning a surprise Halloween costume ball, a la Eyes Wide Shut. And if that’s the case, don’t be surprised when the only people who show up are wrinkly old men draped in cloaks.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Being needy will be a problem. If you try too hard you will end up with someone who will take advantage of you. You are probably better off spending time alone with a good book. Like one of ours. They’ll help kill the time until you finally find someone cool to knock boots with.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Go to bed without brushing your teeth for once. Hit the snooze button a third time. Leave on the conditioner for a minute longer than the bottle tells you to. You know: go nuts. Most of all, let your heart rule your head. Remember, it doesn’t have to “make sense,” it just has to be legal and consensual. If anyone questions your state of mind, just tell them that if loving this way is wrong, you don’t want to be right.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Let’s work on our indoor voice, shall we? This whole social butterfly thing you’ve got going works fine in the bar (or on line at the DMV), but in one-on-one situations, it’s a little much. Tone it down a tad once you hit the bedroom, lest you scare away the hotties (or piss off their neighbors).

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don’t believe the lies of the person trying to seduce you right now!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If your mind’s in the gutter but your ass is on the La-Z-Boy, chances are the only person you’re goind to be talking dirty to is your teddy bear. If you’re looking for a more interactive experience, as it were, you’re going to have to get out of the house every once in a while. Though, if your dirty talking skills are a little rusty, practicing on your teddy bear is not the worst idea in the world. But if you do any more than talk, we don’t want to know about it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The more passionate you are about something that you are involved in, the more likely you are to meet someone who is attracted to you, as well as everything you believe in and stand for. Are you really interested in being a married Evangelical pastor, or did you sign up just because it seemed like the thing to do? Find a cause you actually care about, one you can get behind with gusto, like Free Beer Fridays or Anal Fisting Education. Besides, that rumor you heard about pastors getting a free pass on gay sex with prostitutes is not true. Total urban legend, man.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Just because you’re in a good mood, that doesn’t mean everyone else you pass should “smile — it can’t be that bad!” Just because you’re in a bad mood, doesn’t mean you have to poo poo everyone else’s good time. Just because you think it’s a brilliant idea, that won’t mean your colleagues will too. Just because you want to do it, doesn’t automatically mean your partner wants to stop watching TV. Just because your dog wags its tail when you do that thing, that doesn’t make it right, you sick, sick bastard.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You are likely to run out of steam when you need it the most this week. Pace yourself, drink lots of water, and think about baseball.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-14-14

October 14, 2014

0 Comments

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If we had a dime bag for every time the stars told us to convey the message “Get out and strut your stuff and you will attract all sorts of interesting attention,” we’d be stoned out of our minds. Fortunately the stars don’t deal in narcotics, so we’re still clear-headed enough to be able to tell you this: Get out and strut your stuff and you will attract all sorts of interesting attention.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Your attention span for relationships currently rivals that of the average “Girl Meets World” Disney viewer. Consequently, don’t dabble in anything too serious — instead, surround yourself with a poo-poo platter of mini-flings to suit your tastes. Maybe next week you’ll grow up a bit. . . uh, we mean, be ready to make a few important decisions.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You wouldn’t happen to have feelings for more than one person, now, would you? Come on, you can tell us. Maybe you’re feeling just a little tug from someone in another direction. . . We knew it! We have no advice for you, we just wanted to see if we were right.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You won’t have any trouble finding love this week, but if you are too accommodating and decide to spread yourself around, you may hurt someone’s feelings. There is something to be said for monogamy. And that’s not even coming from us monogamy whores — that’s coming straight from the stars!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We talk a big game here about not assuming exclusivity in a relationship until you’ve had “the talk,” but dating in a plural sense is not for the faint of heart. No matter how honest you are with everyone involved (you have been honest with everyone, haven’t you?), you can only keep it going for so long before someone starts to get upset, pouty, jealous, or psycho. We’re only human, after all, and “thanks so much for the great head, I have to go shower for my next date” doesn’t make anyone feel warm and fuzzy. It might be time to make like the Bachelor/ette and start kicking some of your followers to the curb. If you can arrange to have them picked up in a limo, that would be a nice touch.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Put a collar on yourself and hand your date the leash. Let them lead the way. Better to see where they’re going rather than taking off for the nearest fire hydrant and embarrassing yourself. (We don’t intend for you to take this advice literally, unless you’d like to dabble in a little BDSM role playing . . . in which case, don’t use a real dog collar but a made-for-play one, and always lead from the front!)

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can’t solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it’s just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial.) But anyway, you’re too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it’s twice the therapy and doesn’t leave scars or rot your teeth.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You should consider wearing one of those “keep back fifty yards” t-shirts this week. Proximity to hotties will get you all flustered, and not in an endearing way — we’re talking pit stains and clammy hands. If you don’t want someone to see you lose your cool this early on in the seduction process (and trust us, it won’t be pretty), then keep your distance. And wear deodorant.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Apparently “talk will get you exactly what you want” this week. So we recommend setting your sights a little higher than simply using your new-found oratorical skills to order a particularly complicated sandwich at the deli.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Ironically, staying very busy this week will be the key to finding someone to lie around in bed with all day.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t just sit there thinking about your love life (that’s our job) — get out there and do something about it. Like what, you ask snottily? Well, let’s see, things that won’t get you a date include: whining to us, whining to your therapist, whining to your goldfish, trimming your toe nails. Things that might get you a date include: going to your ten/twenty-year high school reunion, joining a community service group, actively using the Personals, becoming rich and famous. Oh, and if you do get a date, trim your toe nails first.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re looking for that special connection who makes your face flush, your heart pound, and your genitals. . . well, let’s not get into that. Get involved in a physical activity you really enjoy and it might just lead you to that special someone. And if not — hey, at least the physical exertion will make your face flush and your heart pound. Like Meatloaf said, two out of three ain’t bad.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-06-14

October 6, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You are likely to run out of steam when you need it the most this week. Pace yourself, drink lots of water, and think about baseball.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Just because you’re in a good mood, that doesn’t mean everyone else you pass should “smile — it can’t be that bad!” Just because you’re in a bad mood, doesn’t mean you have to poo poo everyone else’s good time. Just because you think it’s a brilliant idea, that won’t mean your colleagues will too. Just because you want to do it, doesn’t automatically mean your partner wants to stop watching TV. Just because your dog wags its tail when you do that thing, that doesn’t make it right, you sick, sick bastard.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If your mind’s in the gutter but your ass is on the La-Z-Boy, chances are the only person you’re going to be talking dirty to is your teddy bear. If you’re looking for a more interactive experience, as it were, you’re going to have to get out of the house every once in a while. Though, if your dirty talking skills are a little rusty, practicing on your teddy bear is not the worst idea in the world. But if you do any more than talk, we don’t want to know about it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The more passionate you are about something that you are involved in, the more likely you are to meet someone who is attracted to you, as well as everything you believe in and stand for. Are you really interested in being a married Evangelical pastor, or did you sign up just because it seemed like the thing to do? Find a cause you actually care about, one you can get behind with gusto, like Free Beer Fridays or Anal Fisting Education. Besides, that rumor you heard about pastors getting a free pass on gay sex with prostitutes is not true. Total urban legend, man.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Let’s work on our indoor voice, shall we? This whole social butterfly thing you’ve got going works fine in the bar (or on line at the DMV), but in one-on-one situations, it’s a little much. Tone it down a tad once you hit the bedroom, lest you scare away the hotties (or piss off their neighbors).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Go to bed without brushing your teeth for once. Hit the snooze button a third time. Leave on the conditioner for a minute longer than the bottle tells you to. You know: go nuts! Most of all, let your heart rule your head. Remember, it doesn’t have to “make sense,” it just has to be legal and consensual. If anyone questions your state of mind, just tell them that if loving this way is wrong, you don’t want to be right.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don’t believe the lies of the person trying to seduce you right now!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Being needy will be a problem. If you try too hard you will end up with someone who will take advantage of you. You are probably better off spending time alone with a good book — anything by Gillian Flynn is a good bet.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Anger and resentment will follow if someone becomes too clingy too fast. Just be sure you’re not mistaking true love for clingy-ness, because someday people will stop clinging and then you’ll die all alone.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
It’s time to turn on the charm and make a splash. You’re your own sexual agent, and sometimes that means rolling up your sleeves and doing a little self-promotion. Stop short of an “Am I Hot or What?” press release, but don’t shy away from anything else. Trust us on this one: We know from self-promotion. Once you bite the bullet and start, it’s addictive!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
When you fall for someone, it’s like you become a Jehovah’s Witness: you do everything in your power to convince the object of your affections to see the light and join you on this journey of love. Yet they almost always resist when you come on so strong, practically slamming the door in your face. Don’t put your foot in the door jam — you’ll just end up with a broken toe, maybe even a cop or two responding to the 911 call your beloved made when you wouldn’t back down. The best thing you can do is just quietly walk away. One look at that ass as you leave the front porch, and they’ll be calling you up for salvation before you know it.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We’re assuming the stars are talking about love, but this may apply to a friendship or a business relationship for all we know: Don’t turn your back on someone who has been loyal to you for years. Shame on you for even considering it! Think of everything they’ve ever done for you. Sure, they may be completely annoying in their own special way, but that’s part of their charm. Don’t walk away from them, not if you want us to talk to you again.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-29-14

September 29, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sure, if you make a bold move, there’s a risk of rejection and heartache. But if you don’t make a move, then loneliness is a sure thing.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We would not want to be you this week. You’re going to find yourself between a rock and a hard place, put on the spot about a relationship, pressured to make some kind of monumental decision. Don’t do it! Stall them, buy some time, mumble something noncommittal about needing time to think, and then check back here next week. Hopefully the stars will give you something more to work with at that point.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Sure, opposites attract, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to have anything to say to each other while they’re spooning after all that hot, opposites-attracting kind of sex. Write this down on a Post-It and stick it on your bathroom mirror, because we can’t always be there to say, “I told you so” — no matter how much we enjoy doing so.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Take a look around. Someone has their eye on you. No, not that creepy freak at the grocery store who always seems to be waiting for you in the toilet paper aisle. We’re talking about someone with real potential. Play hard to get and you might get them in return. Just make sure you’re stocked up on T. P., because there’s nothing worse than running out when the two of you come home stumbling drunk at 3 a. m. for your first love sesh after a night of Mexican and beer.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You can talk your way into anyone’s heart — but where’s the beef?

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
As a kid growing up in the ’80s, romantic relationships were easy, and often built in a day: You go to a kegger in the woods after school on a Friday, get to second base with a new special friend that night, and end up dating for the rest of the year until Prom, when you get drunk on your Mom’s Peach Schnapps and end up making out with your high school math teacher. Not so as an adult: These days, relationships take time. Friendships need to be established first. You don’t necessarily have to give anyone a brightly colored, beaded friendship pin to put on their Keds, but some kind of nod to your blossoming friendship can only help get you to second later.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
If only we had looked really hard in the mirror back when we feathered our bangs and wore side ponytails; if only we had questioned the practicality of all those snaps on the Members Only Jackets. We were just so quick to jump on the bandwagon, we didn’t realize we were actually jumping off the bridge of good taste. Replace fashion with romance and you have a pretty good description of your current relationship: It’s time to take a good look in the mirror — and at your partner’s wardrobe choices.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’re so busy dreaming about the mountains you’d scale and the valleys you’d traverse once you find True Love, you’re missing what’s right in your backyard. Perhaps even right in your own bed: Don’t discount your favorite booty call as a potential for-better-for-worse, let’s-eat-oatmeal-together-every-morning partner for life. Hey, you already know the sex will be great.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open this week. Keen observation, Sherlock style, may lead you to discover something new about your romantic interest — perhaps something dark and mysterious, like a dangerous past or a penchant for kooky hats and pipes.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Your blushing rose act can only take you so far. This isn’t the fifties, you know. At some point you’re going to have to actually express interest if you want this little eye contact game you’ve got going on to develop into a full-blown relationship. It may seem “crass” to you, but trust us, you’ve already exhibited more than enough restraint and politesse to make your point. As Andre the Giant probably said once, it’s time to take it to the mat.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Sometimes it really is just a matter of bad timing. Sometimes they really do have to wash their hair. Sometimes their dog really did just get run over. This week, give someone the benefit of the doubt. No need to be a sucker, just don’t fly off the handle immediately and assume the position of jealous lover — otherwise you’ll end up giving them a real excuse not to call.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t believe everything you read on the web, especially if it’s in someone’s online dating or Facebook profile. Meet in person before calling each other shmoopy, inviting them to your parents’ house for Thanksgiving, or agreeing to anything involving a ballgag and a dog bowl.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-22-14

September 22, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You call it “free-spirited”; we call it “about as evolved as a dog sniffing another dog’s poopy-butt.” Don’t come crying to us when you die alone.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Jeez, talk about specific. We hope your town has some kind of charity run coming up. Or even a charity chicken dance. Because the stars reckon that if you take part in an event that is both “sporty and charitable,” you might meet someone special. If you can’t find anything pre-existing, then we suggest you give fate a helping hand and organize one of your own. And it’s not cheating if we say it’s not.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Wear your heart on your sleeve this week. For once, a pigeon isn’t going to choose that very moment to poop all over it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Never one to shy away from trying something new, you will sign up for that new anti-stress class where you spend thirty minutes straight laughing like a hyena, or take that underwater basket-weaving class at your local school of continuing education, or go to a high-colonic spa. This will increase your chances of meeting someone “special.” Don’t hesitate to tell someone you like them, especially after they’ve just had two pounds of year-old feces manually pumped out of their abyss — nobody riding that kind of high could say no to your advances.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Sometimes the planets align just so for one, sole, humble purpose: To make you dynamite in the sack for a week. Forget about world peace or tidal changes, this is all about a booty call of stellar proportions. So for booty’s sake, make sure you’re in some kind of sack this week, otherwise it will have all been for naught.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ll find it hard to keep it in your pants this week. May we suggest keeping it there until someone takes it out for you?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This is so like you: The person on your romance plate both stimulates and repulses you, kind of like meatloaf. You won’t know what to do. So instead of just gracefully putting the napkin on your lap, picking up your silverware and taking slow, small bites, you’ll probably freak out and end up rubbing the meatloaf all over your naked body right there on the dining room table. Which may or may not be a bad thing.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’d like to think that that fascinating creature is laughing at your jokes because they’re funny, is asking for your help because you’re all-knowing, and is hanging around all the time because you smell good. But you’d be wrong. They probably just want you to introduce them to your friend.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Do you want to know how to make friends and influence people? Are you ready for the secret? People have made millions of dollars hawking books and hosting seminars on the subject, and we’re about to dish the goods to you absolutely free. Just because we like you — it’s that simple. The secret is that simple, too: You’ve got to ask questions and listen to the answers. Got that? Ask someone questions about them…and…then…wait for the answer…and listen to the answer…and…ask them another related question to show you listened and understood. They’ll talk all night while you listen, enraptured. They’ll probably talk their way right into your pants, in fact — assuming you don’t have three heads, you don’t stick them with the bill, and you don’t tell them it was all part of your cunning plan to bed them.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
It’s like you just found a pair of sneakers with the initials M. J. on the tongue, and every time you wear them, booty is a slamdunk, no-contest affair. But don’t forget to take off the sneaks every now and then, lest you contract a nasty case of athelete’s foot.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
People from different backgrounds will interest you this week. This may mean you’ll hook up with a vegetarian hippie. Then again, it may mean it’s finally time to come out of the closet.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We know that blind dates probably leave you colder than a witch’s tit. But obviously they must work occasionally, right? We can’t all be such suckers that we continue to let our annoying co-workers set us up with their sister’s aunt’s yoga instructor’s vet when there’s no chance in hell it’ll lead to anything good, right? No, we’re not. Studies have shown that one in three hundred-and-forty-seven blind dates will lead to a lasting connection, while one in fifty will lead to a hot anal encounter, and one in five will lead to some kind of boot-ay. This week, the booty gods are looking kindly upon you, so get a friend to hook you up with their third cousin, stat!

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