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Your Weekly Horoscopes: March 2nd, 2015

March 2, 2015

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photo via flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Ask lots of questions this week to determine which hottie is best suited to fill your needs. Or should we say feel your “needs”?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The next time you’re in the presence of that special someone, stamp your left foot three times, cluck like a chicken and then turn around and give them a good moon. There’s no way they’ll be able to resist your charming and mysterious ways.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Someone you least expect may try to lead you in the wrong direction. Dig deep and find out all you can about a potential lover before you go any further. Feel free to sleep over (this will give you a chance to snoop in their medicine cabinet), but no hanky panky.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You can’t lose if you get out and mingle with interesting people this week. We’re not saying that you won’t put your foot in your mouth three or four times (if you’re not sure she’s pregnant, don’t ask when the baby is due), and we’re not saying that you’ll go home with a pocketful of phone numbers (one if you’re lucky), and we’re not saying that the DJ will play all the songs you request — especially if you keep requesting “Dancin’ on the Ceiling” at your local bar. However, overall, on the balance, you’ll come out ahead. We think it’s worth taking the chance and stepping outside.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Isn’t it always the way: you have a few drinks, meet someone with a sparkle in their eye, exchange a few meaningful life stories, find out all these things you have in common, take off each other’s clothes and look deep into each other’s eyes before passing out, only to wake up three hours later to realize that the sparkle was the way the light hit their glasses, that the only thing you have in common is a fondness for “House of Cards,” and that they apparently don’t wash very regularly. Occasionally, it works out and people end up getting married this way. But it’s rare. To be on the safe side, get to know new friends first, fondle them later.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Your horoscope says that you don’t have to end up alone if you don’t choose to. But that’s kakapootie. Sure, you can always be with someone, as long as standards aren’t an issue for you. (“No personality, no manners, no kissing skills, no permanent address? No problem!”) Let’s stick to the other part of your horoscope which says that if you just get out and do what you do best, you’ll be the center of attention. Now that’s a ‘scope we can get behind.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This is a pretty good week to meet someone at a work-related event. So dig deep for your last ounce of company morale and show up for that stupid capture-the-flag event your boss organized “to get everyone pumped.” Because who knows? Next week, you might be chased down by a coworker. Or, you could just get fired.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You will have a magnetic allure this week. Just be sure not to hang out next to your credit cards in case that magneticism rubs off.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Easy there, pardner, you’re frightening the horses. Your attempts to go from zero to intimacy in sixty seconds may seem to you like “enthusiasm” but to others it reeks of desperation. If you’re having trouble playing it cool, just imagine your date naked…uh…make that, pretend your date got a hold of some bad seafood and is now puking out your car window.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You may be desperate, but no one need know it but us. So go on that blind date your relative wants to set you up on and act like like it’s no big deal. We won’t tell anyone that this could be your last shot at true romantic happiness.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Don’t rule out spending some quality time with someone who interests you romantically. Likewise, don’t rule out spending some cold hard cash on someone who interests you romantically. If the witty repartee and fun dates don’t get you the results you want, the presents will.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
One of us (and we’ll never tell which) was a cheerleader in high school. It’s not a source of pride. Don’t make us relive those painful memories by having us metaphorically whip out the pom-poms and give you your own personal pep rally right here. Whatever it is you’ve been thinking about doing, just go for it! ‘Nuff said.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: February 23rd, 2015

February 23, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Alice wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary when she fell into Wonderland, and it was simply her curious nature that led her to follow the instructions “Eat me” and “Drink me” (either that or a heretofore undetected history of substance abuse). One might say you’re a sort of Alice — free-spirited, independent, tempestuous. Go along your merry way, and before you know it you’ll have Mad Hatters and Cheshire Cats inviting you over for tea. (Just avoid the little blue pills, if you know what we mean.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
People are strange, when you’re a stranger, faces look ugly, when you’re alone. Yeah, we know Jim Morrison died at twenty-seven, wrote god-awful poetry and had a tendency to pull out his penis on stage, but the man had a point: socializing can look strange and ugly from the outside. But some strangers have good candy, and some of them look as good in black leather as the Doors frontman. This week, approach the oddest ball in the room and befriend him/her. At the very least, you’ll get a one-night stand with a beautiful stranger.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Fire needs three elements to keep burning: heat, fuel and oxygen. (We can’t remember if we learned that from science class or The Towering Inferno, but we’re sure it’s true.) Let’s say that fire is a good relationship, and heat is passion, oxygen is compatibility and fuel is the work you put into it. Sometimes, it feels so damn hot that you’re sure there must be a fire somewhere. But then again, maybe it’s just global warming.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Let’s draw a chart. We’re mapping your fun level against the number of nights you hit the town with your friends. Do you see the trajectory? Do you observe how more nights out equals more fun for you? And do you see that “fun recession” in the middle there? That’s what happens when you try to go one-on-one with someone. Hold off on that for a while — your personal economy is not stable enough to bear this burden just yet.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
There’s nothing like a secret affair: the excitement, the danger, the whispers in the ear, the knowing glances, the late night calls, the waiting by the phone, the little white lies, the unplanned weekends, the last-minute cancellations, the bottled-up emotions, the distrust, the deception, the jealousy, the fighting, the yelling… On second thought, think twice.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You can wrangle your way into anyone’s heart faster than a worm into an apple. Except not so gross. We know that most people don’t like finding a worm (or worse, half a worm) in their apple, but trust us, you’re the loveable kind of larva. When people see you, they don’t shriek, “Gross!” Instead, they think, “How lovely that this apple is obviously farm-grown and pesticide-free!” While we’re on the subject: Don’t forget to patronize your local farmers’ markets.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll be in the mood to let your inhibitions go this week. Instead of downing a fifth of gin to accomplish this goal, just focus on your heart’s desires, swallow your pride, be completely honest and true intimacy will be yours. Then you can get loaded to help yourself forget what a cheeseball you’ve become.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ve heard it all before: “Life is short. Seize the day. You only get one shot, so live it to the fullest. No regrets!” But have you really listened? It’s hard to keep the big picture in mind when you’re bogged down with the disappointments, conflicts and embarrassments of the day-to-day. But you don’t want to be on your deathbed, right before that light goes out, and suddenly be struck by the awful existential question, “What if?” Chances are, at that point you’ll be less concerned with the fact that forty years earlier you made an ass of yourself by taking a chance and confessing your true feelings to the one you love. There’s even a chance they’ll be by your bedside holding your hand at the end. (Sniffle, sniffle.).

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Not everyone knows a sure thing when they see it — if they did, we’d all be Microsoft millionaires by now. But allow us, if you will, to share a little stock tip for the week: you’re the sure thing! As long as you’re out and about, you can’t lose — you’ll be more sought after that William Shatner at a Trekkies singles convention.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Driving anywhere outside of New York City, if you want to change lanes, you signal, check for an opening, make sure the other driver has seen you and then carefully move over, all the while maintaining a steady speed. For decades, drivers have found that this leads to a harmonious, crash-free driving experience. In New York, on the other hand, your “signal” is to start edging into the next lane and instead of checking that the other driver has seen you, you just honk really loudly. Sounds like hell, right? You should see the road rage. This week, if you’re thinking of getting into (or out of) a serious relationship, think of it like lane-sharing: you could do it like New Yorkers, or you could do it like the rest of the world. Which do you think is better? (It’s not a trick question.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
In made-for-TV movies and daytime soap operas, you can always tell when someone is lying about their past. The music takes a turn for the ominous, the liar’s eyes shift repeatedly, left to right, right to left, and then we’re treated to a flashback scene that shows us what really happened. If only life came equipped with such cues. This week, you’ll need to rely on your detective skills and keep your eyes peeled for more subtle hints that things are not what they appear.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If it’s the thought that counts, then stand up and be counted! You’ve got thoughtfulness by the truckload. Use it before it all goes to waste! You’ll be surprised: thoughtfulness is the high-octane fuel of good relationships.


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Your Weekly Horoscopes: February 16th, 2015

February 16, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Be the ball this week and play hard to get. Don’t let anybody scoop you up and slam dunk you, at least not yet. Make them chase after you, break a sweat. Make them work for your balls. We mean, your ball.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Hey big spender, put your wallet away. If it’s your hard-earned dollars winning someone over, are they really worth winning? Even if it’s your easily-come-by trust fund dollars doing the winning? Okay, so let’s just say, hypothetically, that they really are that hot, and you really are that superficial. How are you going to hold onto your gold-digging hottie if the economy takes another turn for the worse? Plan for the future by being generous of heart but stingy of wallet for a while. If you find yourself tempted to spend!-spend!-spend!, then feel free to send us presents.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you’re more fun than a barrel of monkeys, you’ll have no problem attracting attention this week. If you’re not in one of your “fun” moods, well, sucks to be you. Brute force just won’t cut it, sorry — as Bonnie Raitt twanged, you can’t make them love you. Better luck next time.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Love is all around you like flies on poop this week. Just say what’s on your mind, and things will get hotter in the bedroom than a bag of dog crap set on fire and left on some poor soul’s doorstep on Goosey Night.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
To say that you’re not in a committing mood right now is putting it lightly. The devil on your shoulder is yelling “Run away! Run away!” every five minutes. And the angel’s not much help, either; she simply suggests that a brisk walk away might be both safer and more polite. We don’t want to change you (after all, we’re here to love you just the way you are) but then again, we’re not dating you. If you’re going to keep lovin’ and leavin’ em, at least have the decency to warn potential victims ahead of time so they have a chance to run first.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Someone may try to push you to make a decision regarding a relationship. If you have to think about it, you probably aren’t ready to move that fast. Then again, maybe you just haven’t had your morning coffee yet and are feeling a little sluggish. Perhaps you have a head cold, or are hungover, and just need time to wake up and smell the roses of romance. Still, chances are you’re a selfish, immature bastard who’s afraid to grow up and won’t commit. At least we’ll still love you.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We hate to be the ones to break it to you, but you can’t always be Cinderella. And this week, the shoe doesn’t fit. No matter how many toes you hack off — at least, that’s how it went in the rather gruesome version of the fairy tale we remember, thanks Mom and Dad — this glass slipper relationship is still not going to be right for you. And don’t think you can get away with rationalizing that “it’ll do for now. ” ‘Cause if you insist on shoving your big-ass ugly feet into those glass slippers while you wait for your own prince(ss) charming to come along, when s/he finally does, you’ll have so many blisters that you’ll be unfit for any kind of shoe. Even those super comfy “looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker” kind.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
So maybe there’s no Santa Claus, and perhaps the tooth fairy turned out to be pretty damned useless once you’d got all your grown-up teeth. But yes, Virginia, there is a Cupid, and this week, he’s in your corner. So make like Rocky and own the ring; with any luck, by sundown Friday you’ll be yelling “Adrian! Adrian!” in the throes of passion. Actually, come to think of it, best not to say “Adrian” unless you’re actually sleeping with one. Using your luvver’s own name adds a nice personal touch.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you feel like someone’s backing you into a corner, then dump them. Of course, you, could feel backed into a corner on the open, sprawling moors of England. Make sure you’re not blowing any pressure out of proportion. Is it really so big a deal for them to leave a toothbrush at your house if they’re ending up in your bed, at your invitation, every night? The matching track suits, however, is grounds to lose their number forever.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
It’s time to get in touch with your inner, black-clad, shit-kicker-boots-wearing, whip-wielding, six-foot-two dominatrix. Her name is Cassandra. Channel her energy this week and you should get whatever and whomever you want. You might even find someone to kiss your feet and clean your bathroom. Domination has its privileges.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re a player, Cap. But this week, prepare to get played. Wear your helmet and brace for heartache.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Tongue tied, short of breath, don’t even try, try a little harder. Something’s wrong, you’re not naive, you must must be strong. Ooh, baby, try, move a little closer. You’re too shy shy . . . It’s like Kajagoogoo wrote that song just for you this week.


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Your Fifty Shades ‘Scopes

February 9, 2015

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Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, you’re ‘scopes are all shades of grey. 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You might have and Audi R8 Sypder, a closet full of custom-made Italian clothes, and your own helipad, but it means nothing if you’re emotionally bankrupt. This week, think: less image, more soul.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The coy, naive, virginal act might work for Anastasia Steele, but on you, it rings false. Own your own sexuality and take matters into your own hands this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We’re all for a little liquid courage to loosen inhibitions a bit, but not to the point of inebriation and impaired thinking. So when out and about pursuing romantic interests this week (or any week, really), don’t get wasted like Ana, and don’t get date-rapey like Jose.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Have an open mind about matters of the heart (and matters of the bedroom), but don’t do anything that brings you to tears, unless they’re tears of joy.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week might be a good time to hide out in your playroom — and we are talking about the one with your Xbox and stuff.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The mysterious, vague, and emotionally distant act might work on Christian Grey, but on you, it’s just kind of annoying. Communicativeness, emotional availability, a sense of humor — those are the truly hot qualities that will work for you this week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
When springing for sex toys for your own Red Room of Pain (or just your Valentine’s Weekend bedroom), don’t scrimp. Splurge like you’re Christian Grey. That kind of smart investment will yield high, sexy dividends.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
It’s time for you to take this relationship of yours, bend it over your knee, and give it a good spanking. You know, shake things up! (With consent, of course!)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We know you don’t usually do romance. But this week? Just do it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If you exercise control in all things, then Ana’s right: you’re probably pretty boring. Let go a bit, loosen up, and make yourself vulnerable. In other words, let your partner tie you up for a change.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If your partner tries to shame your shameless enjoyment of trashy erotica, it’s either time for a breakup or a couple’s counselor. If they’re supportive, then pay them back with a little erotica-inspired role-playing. If you don’t have any erotica, then now’s as good a time as any to jump on the bawdy bandwagon.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t sign any relationship contracts this week. You don’t want to make any commitments you can’t keep (like being someone’s sex slave).


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Your Weekly Horoscopes: February 2nd, 2015

February 2, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Advantage, Aries. You’ve got game this week, and if you choose to play, you’ll be scoring more often than, er — oh fuck it, we don’t watch any sports (except for the Super Bowl halftime special). It’ll be love-love everywhere you look, slam-dunks from here to the bedroom, and if we make one more sports analogy, we’re going to have to run off to Best Buy and buy a big-screen TV to go with our Lay-Z-Boy. Anyway, you get the picture. And we’ll take the picture-in-picture flat-screen Panasonic, please.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Aren’t you Mr(s) Popular? Everyone will want to spend time with you this week. What, did you win the lottery or finally get that penis implant/boob jobbie? No, no, of course, it’s your loving nature that draws the crowds. So spread the love. Just wear rubber gloves.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Not only are we astrologers, we’re also psychics. We can prove it: We can guess what your middle name is. Check it out…it’s coming through a little hazy…no, we are definitely getting a name…yep, yep…it’s Scatterbrains! Whether it’s on your birth certificate or not, that’s your middle name this week. So don’t make any sudden moves or important decisions (like officially changing your middle name to something like “Scatterbrains”).

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
There’s a fine line between attracting attention and banging a big spoon on a metal pot. Faking your own suicide, for example, would probably fall into the latter category. So would pretending your dog died…or that you suddenly need Viagra.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week, if love is a dance, then you need to stop being a wallflower. Which is just about the cheesiest goddamn thing we’ve ever said. A dance? That sounds like something our grandmothers would say. Or worse, a Hallmark greeting card. But, whatever — when the stars tell you to dance, we guess you just gotta make like Kevin Bacon and cut loose.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We know that sometimes it feels like your sex drive is, well, driving, and you’re just riding shotgun. But that’s no excuse for not offering up helpful navigation suggestions every now and then. For example, “No, not that one, s/he’s got a mullet!” Or, “Noooooo! Not the ex!” Or, “Let’s go home and masturbate!”

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Here’s your problem: Your gnat impersonations. When you like someone and/or are trying to get them to do something (namely, you), you have a tendency to buzz around them in an erratic fashion. Your intentions are good, but it’s still totally annoying. Here’s your solution: Stop buzzing. Do something constructive instead, like an arts and crafts project. Art is sexy.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Admit it: You’re no Cyrano on your best days (and you’re certainly no Sagittarius), and this will not be a week of best days. But that doesn’t mean you have to plagiarize (or hire a Scorpio) in order to get laid. Besides, your Scorpio friends will all be too busy getting laid themselves to help out. Instead, work with what you’ve got: The heart of a Good Samaritan and more creative ideas than Martha Stewart after five years in the slammer. Do something nice for your intended, and then sit back and wait for the booty to come your way. Oh, it will alright, you can be sure of that: We have a special place in our loins for you Scorpio. (And no, we don’t say that to all the star signs.)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Talk is cheap. It’s also a fabulous way to get into someone’s pants. Which should make your week, considering that you’re currently blessed with a honey tongue, totally broke, and in more dire need of a good shag than anyone we’ve seen in a long time.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We don’t know if you’re usually the touchy-feely type (oh, who are we kidding; you’re a Capricorn and we know everything), but this week, you’re going to be handing out kisses like you’re sponsored by Hershey’s. Hey man, it’s all good. Feel the love. Just don’t feel it with anyone who’s got active oral herpes.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s time for your medicine. We know you hate those super-serious, state-of-the-relationship Talks, but there’s only so long you can put it off for. Trust us, you’ll feel much better once you know for sure where you stand (assuming you’re not totally off in your educated guess as to the state of the relationship, in which case, it serves you right for waiting for so long and we hope you’ve learned your lesson for next time). And who knows? Maybe you’ll even be rewarded with a lil’ “sugar” to help the medicine go down.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re softer than Charmin, which is mostly really endearing, but sometimes leads people to act like it’s okay to use you to wipe their ass. We know you find it hard to say no, but if you keep up this Mr./Ms. Congeniality act, you’ll be knees-deep in a committed relationship before you can say “Can you spare a square?”


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Your Weekly Horoscopes: January 26, 2015

January 26, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t you hate it when terribly clever people say terribly unexpected things like “Your biggest sexual organ is. . . your brain”? Then they smile at you coyly, expecting some kind of facial reaction from you to confirm that they have indeed rocked your world. Damn pseudo-intellectual pop-psychologists. We wouldn’t dream of stooping to such pat drivel, but we will say that thinking before you speak could be the difference between playing with someone else’s smaller sexual organ and playing with yours alone.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Anyone who judges you by the size of your wallet (or any other body part) doesn’t deserve the great oral sex you give.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t let your genitals do the decision making this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
How do you expect your partner know where you stand when you keep moving around the chessboard of love without following any of the rules? Don’t rush, take turns making moves, and don’t jump anyone you’re not supposed to. Otherwise, you’ll end up playing with yourself.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Okay, this week’s horoscope comes in the form of a pop quiz. Question one: Did you spend last Friday night sitting at home for a Meg Ryan movie marathon, wondering how many more sleepless nights in Seattle you’ll have to spend before meeting your Harry? Question two: Has anyone ever used the phrase “serial monogamist” to describe your dating habits? Question three: Would going to a movie alone make you feel like a big fat dork? Question four: Was college the last time you made a booty call? If you answered “yes” to at least two of these questions, then you might want to seriously consider your motivations before entering a new relationship. Are you sure you’re really into him/her and not just a little, uh, desperate?

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Let’s get touchy-feely, shall we? Even though it’s cliche, the earnest sex gurus are right: We must openly communicate our needs and desires to our partners without shame, and without hysterically cracking up or running to the bathroom to hide. So what if it’s out of character for you; that strong and silent routine is only sexy for so long. Open up, share with group, and those fantasies in your head might come true. And yes, we’d like some wine with that cheese.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Call us crazy, but we see a high correlation between givers in the community and givers in bed. Think about it: Is that guy who plays bingo with the old folks for three hours every Saturday afternoon really going to withold oral attention because it’s too one-sides? And is the gal who gives up her Friday nights to serve in a soup kitchen likely to be someone who doesn’t believe in reciprocity? So what we’re saying is, think globally, act locally, and reap the benefits later. Aw yeah.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But it’s better to have never loved at all than to lie and say “I love you” when you surely don’t mean it. There are better ways to get them off your back. Like, say . . . oh, we don’t know . . . breaking up with them. Too harsh? Okay, okay, you don’t have to be in love with someone to date them — duh — but you can’t fake them out either. That’s just wrong, like, leggings-for-men wrong.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We hate to break it to you, but there are people out there who will find your exhaustive bedroom banter and playful manner just plain exhausting. Pick partners who’ll appreciate it when you spontaneously break into dirty Ovid verse or bring out the ping pong paddle. Surround yourself with people who can keep up and can keep it up.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, it’s all about the subtle signal. As in, you giving a subtle signal that will let someone know you’re interested. Anything stronger than “subtle” and you risk scaring them off. Of course, we can’t tell you what the signal is — that’s for you to figure out. And if we did know a universally accepted “subtle signal” then we’d be too busy writing a bestselling book about it and putting all the other advice columnists out of business to give you your horoscope, anyway. So give thanks for small favors.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
What you really need is a partner with substance. So think genitally and act locally: Get involved in community projects, play bingo with the old folks, paint a mural for your local elementary school (just be sure to ask permission first). And we recommend not telling that fellow good samaritan you end up bedding the real reason why you volunteered until at least six months into the relationship.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Lose the wig/the make-up/the bra cutlets/the cucumber in your pants: This week, it’s all about being yourself.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Tooting your own horn this week will help attract that special person. And no, that doesn’t mean asking them to pull your finger during a romantic dinner.


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Your Weekly Horoscopes: January 20th, 2015

January 20, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Anyone who judges you by the size of your wallet (or any other body part) doesn’t deserve the great oral sex you give.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
A reader wrote in recently complaining that the Taurus horoscopes are always lame. Well, we can’t control the stars but we can try to be nicer. Unfortunately, it ain’t gonna happen this week. The stars say you should keep your trap shut and your eyes open and let the honeys come to you — cause you’re gonna be as about as smooth as Robert Redford’s complexion this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Here’s a shout out to all Gemini from the stars this week: “Live to love.” Damn, we just wanna emblazon that slogan on a baby-tee and go rollerskating in the park! If you’re not groovin’ on the meaning quite as much as we are, here’s some more specific advice: Don’t run yourself ragged meeting up with booooring acquaintances at blah-blah cocktail parties where everyone sits around discussing the relative merits of Tanqueray vs. Bombay Sapphire. Instead, rest up, get your beauty sleep, and spend your free nights prepping for dates.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
We’ve got three words for you this week: quality alone time.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Make your move — you won’t be sorry. (And if you are sorry, don’t come crying to us; we’ve got very good lawyers and we haven’t lost a case yet.)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Novelist Amy Bloom once said she always tries to resist writing as if she were on a first date: telling her standard little anecdotes with wit, preciousness, and embellishment in order to make herself seem more attractive and loveable to her listener. You should avoid such precious behavior on actual first dates.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Nerds are hot. Not nerds like in Revenge of the Nerds, of course. But true nerds: The ones who get caught up in a great book and choose to forgo the night out at the bar just to finish it; the ones who take continuing education classes just to keep learning; the ones who occasionally quote from Bartlett’s; the ones who are so smart they can come up with the most clever wise-ass comebacks on command (though they’re too timid to actually speak them out loud); the ones who watch Jeopardy. Be prepared to meet a nerd this week who will massage your brain in places you’ve never had stimulated before, aw yeah.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
There’s a reason why they call it “spoiled for choice”: Too many hotties to choose from and you start to get all picky about ankle size, hair length, where they went to school, and what their favorite Burger King meal special is. While you’ve got such a selection to work with, you might want to consider factoring IQ into the equation, too. Just a thought.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
What are you thinking? Riding your bike down that rocky road called Memory Lane right now will only give you a sore ass. So don’t get all hot and bothered about something you can’t do anything about. Cool down, have some iced tea.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Be careful: You’re likely to feel a little under the weather this week. Which means a lowered immune system. Stay away from lovers who may have something contagious. And we’re not just talking colds here. Did you know that HPV is the most common sexually transmitted infection in the United States, with the majority of sexually active people exposed to an HPV infection at some point in their lives, whether they know it or not? Instead of hooking up this week, why not you give yourself a little sex-ed refresher course.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If you are fun-loving and playful you will have your pick; if you are controlling you will lose out. We don’t see why everyone has such a problem with control freaks. Where do they think they’d be without the control freaks? Just once we’d like to see all the control freaks sit on their asses for a week, so that all the lazy bums — oh, excuse us, all the fun-loving playful types — could see how little gets done. Nothing fun would be organized. No one would know where to meet. No one would be able to figure out how to split the tab. It would be anarchy, people, pure anarchy!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
There’s only so long that you can screen your calls/be out to lunch/be infected with a mysterious genital inflammation/be home washing your hair/be abducted by aliens on your lunch break. It’s time to face the music, dude.


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Your Horoscopes for the Week of January 15th, 2015

January 12, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’ll probably get lucky this week, but not in any deep and meaningful way. So enjoy it while it lasts because. . . oh, look, it’s over already! Damn, you’re fast.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You know how sometimes you go all out to impress someone — candle-lit meal, “seductive” music, fine wine, edible underwear — and they show up all drunk and could give two shits? Sucks, doesn’t it? Fortunately, this week your efforts will be appreciated. Though you might want to rethink the underwear.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Trust your intuition: If someone feels good to be around, then they’re probably good for you. Either that or they’re wearing a great cashmere sweater and you keep rubbing up against it. In which case, second-guess your intuition until you’ve spent time with them in a less luxurious fabric.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Stop making excuses and join in the fun. Get out and take part in some damn social activities. Don’t waste time sitting at home alone watching reruns of the Gossip Girl on Netflix, not when this is such a great week for romance! Now, if that little motivational speech doesn’t light a fire under your ass, then maybe it’s time to get a happy pill prescription. Or at least some chocolate.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Why you always puttin’ up a front? Whether it’s throwing around the benjamins, talking smack, or dressing like a pimpmaster or a prep, you’re constantly drawing attention to yourself in an effort to impress. But instead of coming across as an ultra-hip mover and shaker, you look more like a two-year-old jumping up and down in a saggy diaper shouting “Look at me! Look at me!” Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated? Promise us we’re never gonna find you faking. At least not this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will find yourself attracted to someone much older than you. . . or much younger than you. If you offer to help them out in some way (be creative: everybody needs a little help sometimes) you’ll find yourself in a position to ask them out. And if you do find yourself in that position, you damn well better ask them out, or else this entire eerily accurate horoscope will have been for naught.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll want to push this week, like a pregnant lady in labor. But when you get pushy with love, you start to make faces and grunting noises, much like a pregnant lady in labor. Have you ever watched a nature show on childbirth? It’s not exactly sexy. This week, you’ve just got to let the love come on its own. Save the faces and grunting for the miracle of birth — or at least for the sex you’ll hopefully get next week as a reward for not being pushy this week.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’re keeping a list of potential “viewers” to woo into watching your own love channel (how romantic of you). But if you use the bells and whistles of Fox News to get their attention, you’ll be about as respected and sexually appealing as Bill O’Reilly. You relax. They decide.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Take the initiative to plan special outings this week that will bring you in contact with new and exciting people. You’re always saying you want to take more advantage of the cultural activities your city offers. So do it! This is the beginning of a new year, there’s sure to be a ton of stuff that will give you the opportunity to rub elbows with other motivated, intellectually curious, and sexually desperate urbanites: plays at the theater, art openings, organized sex parties. Check your local alternative weekly.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
So there you are, in your local bar (or corner deli, or indie record shop), eyeing up the area hottie you’ve been meaning to speak to for weeks now, and you’re finally ready to take the plunge: heart pounding, sweat droplets forming at your temples, hands shaking. . . but whatever you do, don’t use a line. We know that in moments like these, you suddenly forget how to form complete sentences and a line can seem like a handy crutch, but it’s not. Better to come right out and admit your nervousness than crib from some sleazy pick-up manual written by failures at love. Hey, we’d find that endearing.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You will think you have found love — or at least really good sex — this week, but it won’t last, because they’re lying to you. Hate to make you feel like you’ve been kicked in the privates now, but it’s better than feeling like your heart’s been ripped out through your esophagus later, right?

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Uh oh, Pisces, looks like you might have latched onto someone in a funny-shaped hat this past New Year’s. All is not what it appears. And when everything is eventually revealed, that hottie is going to have a serious case of ugly hat-head. Best back up and take a breather, and get out while everything’s still nice and pretty.


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Astrological New Year’s Resolutions

January 5, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421via Flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, in honor of the new year, your sexy ‘scopes are in resolution form:

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You are wise to question your motives this week when it comes to love. Self-deception is likely. Whoever you are interested in will probably give you a false impression. Love triangles may cause problemos. Your New Year’s resolution: Give up geometry. You were never good at math.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The stars say that you’ll find your groove this week. Your New Year’s resolution: Make sure you’ve got a fabulous post-holiday party to attend and aren’t wasting all that grooviness on dancing with yourself. Oh, oh, oh, oh, dancing with yourself.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars can be so high and mighty — but that’s because they’re so far away. They see the big picture, they see what’s important. Unlike you, who can only see the total hottie in front of (or sitting on) your face. But be warned, falling for someone just for their looks will only end up biting you in the butt (regardless of whether your hottie is into heiney hickeys). Your New Year’s resolution: Be deeper than a kiddie pool.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Oh, this really cracks us up. The stars have a teeny-tiny recommendation for you this week: “Look for that person who will challenge your thoughts, change your world and blow your mind.” Yeah, like it’s really that easy. No big deal, right? Geez, and all this time we’ve been chasing dullards with no sex appeal. How come no one told us we should chase the catch of the day? Well, Cancer, before you get all cocky like us, stop and think for a second: When was the last time you really went after someone you wanted bad, someone you thought you couldn’t get? Are you settling to avoid rejection? Do we sound like your shrink yet? Have you called your mother lately? Your New Year’s resolution: Shoot for the moon and maybe you’ll end up shagging a little star. And call your mother.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
To paraphrase a line from one of Lo’s favorite movies, The Four Seasons: “Your thoughts are like gumballs that just drop down from your brain onto your tongue.” To put it less delicately, you’ve got diarrhea of the mouth when it comes your romantic emotions. Your New Year’s resolution: Remove feet from your diet completely. However, you can put a sock in it. Socks are okay.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When we look at your week, Virgo, one phrase comes to mind: “Charming the pants off.” Turns out Santa didn’t put out this year — but you can make up for that in the new year. Your New Year’s resolution: Let it all flow — the booze, the compliments, the sweet talking. Just let it flow. And carry condoms everywhere.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll be very popular this week — we’re talking Taylor Swift popular, the new iPhone popular, even “Frozen” popular. You just have to get out and mingle. That means going to every post-holiday party you’re invited to, as well as the ones you wish you were invited to. Your New Year’s resolution: Party like it’s 1999!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
When someone asks you “Are you single?” don’t say “Yes, I’m alone.” That’s having a bad attitude. Listening to the song “One Is the Loneliest Number” on repeat when you don’t have a companion for the new year isn’t helping either. You’re not alone, you’re number one! Your New Year’s resolution: When you meet a hottie, focus on flirting, not gut-spilling. Save the woe-is-me for the second date.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your daisy-petal-picking technique for making important romantic decisions is getting old fast. Your wishy-washy behavior will turn the person you’ve been hanging out with running in the other direction. Your New Year’s resolution: Grow a spine.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, you’ll have more energy than a brand new puppy waiting for his walk. And you know how some people are dog people and others would rather piss on a fire hydrant in public than show a canine a little love? Well, the same goes for you: Your crotch-sniffing, drippy tongue act will be a little much for all the wrong people. But there’s one special person out there who’s going to just love it, and it’s gonna be just like that spaghetti scene in The Lady and the Tramp. Ain’t puppy love grand? Your New Year’s resolution: If you sense a kindred spirit in the room, go straight for the crotch. And stay off the furniture.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Remember that old Bryan Adams video? (No, not Ryan Adams, Bryan with “B” — yes, we’re that old.) Anyway, we’re talking about the video with the hottest pock-face in music standing at the bottom of an indoor pool, sans water. “Cuts Like a Knife,” that’s it. The video had this woman change into her bathing suit, climb the ladder to the diving board, and then jump off into the concrete pool. Next we see her climb out of the pool, miraculously unscathed and soaking wet. Like magic. Still with us? Okay, you are the woman in the video. But you don’t have magical powers. So the next time you jump head first into the pool of love before checking whether or not there’s any water in it, you might end up seriously hurt. Your New Year’s resolution: Wait at least fifteen minutes after eating before you go swimming.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t be so argumentative all the time. We just got over the holidays — everyone’s too exhausted to give a shit about your debate-of-the-week right now. Can’t you just drop all the “issues” for a few days and think about getting laid like the rest of us? Your resolution for the week: Have another glass of wine and stay a while. Have you ever danced on a bar-top? Now is as good a time as any.


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Your Holiday Horoscopes: A Caroling Tradition

December 22, 2014

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Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, nothing is sacred, as we take traditional Christmas carols and turn them into sex advice. Merry Xmas to you!

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Said the Emma to the little Lo,
“Do you see what I see?
Way up in the sky, little Lo,
Do you see what I see?
A ram, a ram, dancing in the night
With his horns ready for a fight,
With his horns ready for a fight.”

Said the little Lo to all the Aries,
“Do you hear what I hear?
Ringing through the sky, and email,
Do you hear what I hear?
A boy, a girl, they’re all on their knees,
And it’s not God they’re praying to,
Oh, it’s not God they’re praying to.”

Said the Little Lo to the mighty Em,
“Do you know what I know?
In Aries’ yards across the world,
Do you know what I know?
A boy, a girl shivers in the cold—
Won’t you give them some of your ‘gold,’
Won’t you give them some of your ‘gold.’”

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Chestnuts roasting on a George Forman
The boss doing coke up his nose
Vicious rumors being spread by doormen
And folks dressed up like trashy ho’s.

Everybody knows a Trojan and some Astroglide
Help to make the office party bright
Buzzed Tauri with their flies open wide
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Rudolf, the red-nosed Gemini
had a very shiny nose (from the alcohol?).
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows (from the alcohol!).

All of the other hotties
used to laugh and call him names (like Gin Blossom!).
They never let poor Rudolf
play in any reindeer games (like Spin the Bottle!).

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Em & Lo came to say:
“Rudolf with your nose so bright (from all the oral!),
won’t you ‘guide my sleigh’ tonight?”

Then all the hotties loved him
as they shouted out with glee:
“Rudolf the red-nosed luvver,
you’ll go down in history!”

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Hark how the bells,
Sweet silver bells,
All seem to say,
Throw cares away.

Get it in gear,
Don’t have no fear,
You’re young, not old,
Have sex that’s bold.

Ding dong ding dong,
You can’t go wrong,
With a dildo,
You big phat ho.

Oh how it pounds,
Making weird sounds,
O’er hill and dale,
Telling your tale.

To your neighbor,
And it will lure,
Them to your bed,
Making you red.

Don’t be ashamed,
Join in the game,
Neighbors can play,
And make your day.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
No, auld acquaintance be called up,
It’s ex-booty time!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
City sidewalks, busy sidewalks,
Dressed in holiday style.
In the air,
There’s a feeling,
of Dionysus.
People laughing,
Strangers passing,
Meeting stare after stare.
And on ev’ry street corner you’ll hear,

“Hey, hot-stuff!” “Hey, hot-stuff!”
“I want to get with you tonight.”
“You’re a doll,” hear them call,
Soon it will be Christmas lay.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Joy to the world! Libra is come;
Let bars let Libras in;
Let every dance floor clear space for the Libras,
and Libras will get laid,
and Libras will get laid,
and Libras, and Libras, they will get laid.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Follow us in merry measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
While we tell of Christmas treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fast away the old love passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail the new, ye lads and lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Pick a partner, be together,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Just ignore the stormy weather,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We saw Sagi kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
You didn’t see us creep
In your house to have a peep;
You think all we do is work then go to sleep?
Then, we saw Sagi kiss a different Santa Claus
It turns out Sagi ain’t so snowy white;
But what a laugh it won’t be
If Santa One ever sees
Slutty Sagi kissing Santa Two in the night.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Oh! You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
We’re telling you why:
Someone special’s coming to town!

They’ll spoon you when you’re sleeping,
They’ll screw when you’re awake.
They’ll spank you just because you’re good,
So be good for sex’s sake!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
O Aquarius, O Aquarius!
No need to toot thy own French horn.
O Aquarius, O Aquarius!
No need to toot thy own French horn.

Be sure to keep thy lips zipped tight,
And thou will surely score tonight.
O Aquarius, O Aquarius,
Thy quiet charm is just like porn!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re a mean one, Dear Pisces
You really are a heel,
You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Dear Pisces,
If you can’t make your mind up then go play the field!

You’re a monster, Dear Pisces,
Your heart’s an empty hole,
Your loins are full of indecision, you have anti-commitment powder in your soul, Dear Pisces,
You wouldn’t touch a relationship with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!

You’re a rotter, Dear Pisces,
You’re the king of breaking hearts,
Spare a thought for the splotched tomatoes you leave behind you, Dear Pisces,
Don’t be a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!

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