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Your Weekly Horoscopes: March 30th, 2015

March 30, 2015

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This week, your sex drive and your sexual opportunties will be completely in sync. Don’t you just love it when that happens?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you can share your intellectual dreams with someone, they may be The One. If you can only bear to talk to them for more than an hour at a time, they might do nicely for a spring fling.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Put on the full-body armor: Someone is about to take you for a ride and then throw you out to the sidewalk without slowing down.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The spotlight will flatter you this week, so do whatever it takes to get into it. (Doing “The Tuck” à la The Silence of the Lambs at parties does not count.)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
I can’t hear you! Na na na na na na! I’m not listening! . . . Get used to it: You’re going to be hearing that a lot this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
One of your friends is teetering on the more-than-friends line. One little breeze and it’ll be all over — you’ll have a low-grade stalker on your hands. Don’t fall for the attention.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
If there was a recommended daily allowance of sexual energy, then you’d be eating fifteen bowls a day of Booty Flakes this week. Don’t O.D.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Commitment is catching up to you fast. Put on your running shoes if you don’t want to get bit in the ass (though ass-biting is an oft underrated pleasure).

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You may feel like you have more than enough lovin’ to go around, but your partners won’t always agree. Make sure everyone’s in the loop before you start being an oversharer.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Finally! This week you’ll actually make a mental connection with someone you’re getting busy with. So you might want to stick around for cuddle time for a change.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’ll be in the driver’s seat all week. And you may well receive head from the hottie in the passenger seat. Sometimes, life’s just that simple.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Confucious say, He who talks too much eats shoe before too long.

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Your (Hamlet) Horoscopes: March 23rd, 2015

March 23, 2015

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photo via Flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
“To the noble mind / Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind. ” (III, i)

(Your actions are in the right place but your motives may not be.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
“Come, give us a taste of your quality.” (II, ii)

(You’re hot, you’re charming, you’re hard to resist. Get out and strut your stuff.)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
“I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; / God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another.” (III, i)

(Don’t be fooled by someone who has a way with words.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)

“This is the very ecstasy of love.” (II, i)

(You’ll find yourself in seventh heaven this week. It’s time to fulfill your fantasies.)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
“All is not well; / I doubt some foul play. ” (I, ii)

(Someone may be messing with your heart or mind).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
“Doubt thou the stars are fire; / Doubt that the sun doth move; / Doubt truth to be a liar; / But never doubt I love.” (II, ii)

(You’ll capture anyone you talk to this week. )

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
“Give it an understanding, but no tongue.” (I, ii)

(Concentrate on making love, not talking about it.)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
“Season your admiration for a while.” (I, ii)

(Just get out there and have some fun. Stop putting pressure on yourself to be in a relationship. Let love come to you.)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
“Beware/ Of entrance to a quarrel, but, being in, / Bear ‘t that th’ opposed may beware of thee. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice; / Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgement.” (I, iii)

(You’ll feel torn between the choices you have regarding relationships. Slow down, be honest and don’t feel that you have to make up your mind because someone is demanding a commitment. Back away from idle threats.)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
“Get thee to a nunnery.” (III, i)

(You’ll have too many temptations this week.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, / Than are dreamt up in your philosophy.” (I, v)

(Love may not be where you expect, what you expect or who you expect.)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
“Assume a virtue if you have it not. ” (III, iv)

(Be your best self if you want to hook up.)

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: March 16th, 2015

March 16, 2015

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Be as stealthy as Frank Underwood in your pursuit of love (only more ethical): Don’t just ask them straight out and give them a chance to say no. Instead, focus on becoming their friend so they don’t even realize they’re falling for you until it’s too late. And hey, if our cunning plan doesn’t work, at least we saved you from the sting of rejection.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
No couch potato-ing it this week. Get off your bum and shake that ass. Think about sex globally, act locally. The more situations you put yourself in where you could accidentally bump into someone now, the more likely you are to bump uglies later.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Discretion is the better part of valor. We never quite understood the meaning of that old adage, but we’re guessing it has something to do with keeping your mouth shut. The gentlemen or lady understands that there are sometimes occasions when omission of the cold, harsh truth is apropos. (Such as, “Wow, that story you just told me about how you’re insecure about your oral sex abilities reminds me of this amazing head I once received from a hot eighteen year old who had never done it before!”) Don’t think of it as “lying”; think of it as “listening.”

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you want to play games this week, stick to Scrabble and Clue. Mind games won’t get you laid — honesty and persistence will. And maybe Twister.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Your romantic interests this week are like a box of chocolate-covered donuts. They’re so tempting, so decadent, so sinful, so scrumptious. Their sweet smell lures you in. You touch them ever so gently — oooh, so soft. Bring them to your lips — they practically melt in your mouth. But after eating them up, you feel guilty, dirty, unclean even. They sit in a heavy, rotting lump in the pit of your stomach. So go easy on the donuts this week, don’t bite off more than you can chew, and limit your intake to one every few days. Dunkin Donuts coffee is, however, acceptable (screw Starbucks, that DD stuff is good, man).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Everyone wants to be on your team this week. And even better than that, they all love you for you, just the way you are. Well, at the very least they all want to get into your pants rather than your pocketbook. Which is always nice, right? Don’t worry about your reputation if you feel like engaging in a little groupie sex — the ones you do pick will be so blissed out, they won’t even remember their own name, and the ones you don’t pick will be too busy mending their broken hearts to call you “slut. ” But what the heck, we’ll say it: Slut! And that’s a compliment where we come from.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Your timing’s all off. Or maybe it’s the person you’re kind of sweet on whose schedule is all out of whack. Well, someone’s got the timing of a joke told by Bob Saget on “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” Just be patient and understanding when the forces that be keep you two from making America’s dirtiest home videos this week.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can’t solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it’s just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial.) But anyway, you’re too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it’s twice the therapy and doesn’t leave scars or rot your teeth.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, it’s like you’ve got a flashing red neon sign around your neck that reads “I love you” or at least “I’ll fuck you” — whichever is more of a sexual turn-on to those jamming on your groove. Brace yourself for the action that’s coming your way, cause it won’t all be good: Imagine a defensive lineman from the Chicago Bears in full gear running your way at full speed with a bouquet of roses. It’s okay with us if you choose to run.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Did you know that sometimes the two of us test out new vibrators on each other when we don’t have our guys around to product-test with? Did you also know that there are little fairies living in our refrigerators who sprinkle star dust on our tofu and that’s how we get all our horoscope information? . . . Don’t be such a sucker, especially this week, because someone you like is going to try to make an ass out of you. Why do you even like them? They sound like a jerk.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Attend a charity event, volunteer in your community, go to a political rally, tell a stranger they’ve got TP stuck to their shoe — do anything you consider socially valuable. You’re supposed to fall in love with someone while you save the world. If you don’t get love, at least you’ll have given some. And you can pretend that’s all that really matters.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You can’t hide this feeling anymore. You’ve forgotten what you started fighting for. All you know is, spring is here and you want to get l-a-i-d. Don’t hide your burning flames of lust under a jar (how does that metaphor go again?) — your uncorkable horniness will be exactly what attracts the hotties this week.

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St. Paddy’s Horoscopes for the Week of March 9th, 2015

March 9, 2015

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photo via Flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
The stars say that you’ll be “romantically challenged” this week. Jeez, when did they get so politically correct? What they mean to say is that you’ll be a dating dumbass all week, so just hang with your good buddies, drink like an Irish fish and avoid any and all romantic encounters for at least seven days. And that’s an order from the love doctors.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Sometimes we think the stars would rather be hosting a daytime talk show or writing self-help books with titles like “Who Moved My Constellation?” They’re always giving us messages in such platitudes! This week they’d like you to know that you have an unhealthy fear of intimacy and commitment. We’d like to add that you have a very heathly fear of green-food-dyed beer.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Nobody puts Baby in a corner. This week, a particularly annoying “nobody” will be pursuing you all the way into that corner. If you don’t want to get backed into a corner — i. e. if you want to avoid a sloppy drunken make-out sesh in a corner booth with annoying Traci/Tony from Accounts — then stay home and rent old Patrick Swayze flicks instead. Or if you need company, invite some close friends over (but no friends with benefits) for a night of whiskey and Irish ballad singing.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You will be a tad fickle this week. Boredom will set in if the people around you are not exciting and full of adventure. Focus on group endeavors so that you don’t have to be partnered off with anyone in particular. Like marching with the gay and lesbian group in your local St. Patrick’s Day parade, whether they’re “allowed” to or not. Political activism is the next best thing to nookie.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Doors are opening for you all over the place this week. Don’t blow it by having nothing planned — that’s the dating equivalent of leaving a fake dog turd on the doorstep, ringing the doorbell, and making a run for it. Here’s your heads-up: The question you ask will most likely receive an affirmative answer. So make sure you’re prepared with your follow-up to their big fat “yes. ” As in: “Wanna go out sometime?” “Yes!” “Cool, I’ve got front-row seats to Riverdance, wanna come?”

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Although you will attract a lot of attention this week (and not just because that green face paint you wore for St. Patrick’s Day didn’t turn out to be quite as “water-soluble” as the instructions claimed), you may not be all that excited about the source(s) of that attention. Well, maybe you should be just a little less superficial. Maybe you don’t look so hot either, what with that subtle green tinge to your skin. But your mother still loves you, and it certainly doesn’t affect your skills in the sack. So don’t judge a book by its cover, and don’t judge a hottie by their hairstyle, either. (Wait till you’ve been dating for a month and then work on their mullet.)

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Be nice to your neighbors. And by “neighbors,” we don’t mean humankind; seriously, be nice to the people who literally live nextdoor to you. Don’t come on too strong with your love interest — though we should say that as long as you’re not a stalker, there really is no such thing as “too strong” . . . it’s kind of like coffee that way. Do some volunteer work, or at least be charitable to the jerks you work with. Get some new hair product; the stuff you’re using isn’t doing your mane justice. Add fiber to your diet. Resist all impulses toward anything green this week: green eyeshadow, green-dyed food, the green-eyed monster.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ve got more going on this week than a James Joyce book. But rather than seeming like a thick, daunting tome that’s torture to get through, you read more like a nice, simple Yeats poem — lyrical but not too wordy, deep but not too hard to understand. People will want to be versed in your ways.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will find it easy to open up emotionally this week. You’ll talk about your feelings and what you are looking for in a relationship. The object of your affections is likely to be enamored with your honesty and openness. We know: We can’t believe it either. If you had asked us last week, we would have said you had a better chance of running into a leprechaun with a pot of gold than you did of exhibiting so much emotional maturity.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’re smooth and inviting, with a good head on your shoulders, just like a nice pint of Guinness. Quench the thirst of any partner you choose this week — because with your charm, it’ll be like everyone’s wearing beer goggles when they look at you, whether they’re sober or sloshed.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Your week will be practically perfect when it comes to love, like you’ve got a four-leaf clover stuck up your butt. You like someone and they like you back and the two of you will be all cuddly, making goo-goo eyes at each other. There may even be some baby talk involved. Now go away before you make us puke.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Be yourself. Go on: Wear that beret, do that little Irish jig (who cares if it’s Bon Jovi on the jukebox), admit that you never watched “The Wire” or “Breaking Bad” and don’t intend to. We guarantee that putting yourself on the line will make someone else feel better about themselves, even if they’re too shy to tell you just yet. And isn’t it enough just to know that? Oh, it’s not? Well this public display of embarrassing proclivities is also the foundation of something beautiful to come. And that’s all that we’re at liberty to say right now.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: March 2nd, 2015

March 2, 2015

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photo via flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Ask lots of questions this week to determine which hottie is best suited to fill your needs. Or should we say feel your “needs”?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The next time you’re in the presence of that special someone, stamp your left foot three times, cluck like a chicken and then turn around and give them a good moon. There’s no way they’ll be able to resist your charming and mysterious ways.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Someone you least expect may try to lead you in the wrong direction. Dig deep and find out all you can about a potential lover before you go any further. Feel free to sleep over (this will give you a chance to snoop in their medicine cabinet), but no hanky panky.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You can’t lose if you get out and mingle with interesting people this week. We’re not saying that you won’t put your foot in your mouth three or four times (if you’re not sure she’s pregnant, don’t ask when the baby is due), and we’re not saying that you’ll go home with a pocketful of phone numbers (one if you’re lucky), and we’re not saying that the DJ will play all the songs you request — especially if you keep requesting “Dancin’ on the Ceiling” at your local bar. However, overall, on the balance, you’ll come out ahead. We think it’s worth taking the chance and stepping outside.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Isn’t it always the way: you have a few drinks, meet someone with a sparkle in their eye, exchange a few meaningful life stories, find out all these things you have in common, take off each other’s clothes and look deep into each other’s eyes before passing out, only to wake up three hours later to realize that the sparkle was the way the light hit their glasses, that the only thing you have in common is a fondness for “House of Cards,” and that they apparently don’t wash very regularly. Occasionally, it works out and people end up getting married this way. But it’s rare. To be on the safe side, get to know new friends first, fondle them later.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Your horoscope says that you don’t have to end up alone if you don’t choose to. But that’s kakapootie. Sure, you can always be with someone, as long as standards aren’t an issue for you. (“No personality, no manners, no kissing skills, no permanent address? No problem!”) Let’s stick to the other part of your horoscope which says that if you just get out and do what you do best, you’ll be the center of attention. Now that’s a ‘scope we can get behind.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This is a pretty good week to meet someone at a work-related event. So dig deep for your last ounce of company morale and show up for that stupid capture-the-flag event your boss organized “to get everyone pumped.” Because who knows? Next week, you might be chased down by a coworker. Or, you could just get fired.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You will have a magnetic allure this week. Just be sure not to hang out next to your credit cards in case that magneticism rubs off.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Easy there, pardner, you’re frightening the horses. Your attempts to go from zero to intimacy in sixty seconds may seem to you like “enthusiasm” but to others it reeks of desperation. If you’re having trouble playing it cool, just imagine your date naked…uh…make that, pretend your date got a hold of some bad seafood and is now puking out your car window.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You may be desperate, but no one need know it but us. So go on that blind date your relative wants to set you up on and act like like it’s no big deal. We won’t tell anyone that this could be your last shot at true romantic happiness.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Don’t rule out spending some quality time with someone who interests you romantically. Likewise, don’t rule out spending some cold hard cash on someone who interests you romantically. If the witty repartee and fun dates don’t get you the results you want, the presents will.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
One of us (and we’ll never tell which) was a cheerleader in high school. It’s not a source of pride. Don’t make us relive those painful memories by having us metaphorically whip out the pom-poms and give you your own personal pep rally right here. Whatever it is you’ve been thinking about doing, just go for it! ‘Nuff said.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: February 23rd, 2015

February 23, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Alice wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary when she fell into Wonderland, and it was simply her curious nature that led her to follow the instructions “Eat me” and “Drink me” (either that or a heretofore undetected history of substance abuse). One might say you’re a sort of Alice — free-spirited, independent, tempestuous. Go along your merry way, and before you know it you’ll have Mad Hatters and Cheshire Cats inviting you over for tea. (Just avoid the little blue pills, if you know what we mean.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
People are strange, when you’re a stranger, faces look ugly, when you’re alone. Yeah, we know Jim Morrison died at twenty-seven, wrote god-awful poetry and had a tendency to pull out his penis on stage, but the man had a point: socializing can look strange and ugly from the outside. But some strangers have good candy, and some of them look as good in black leather as the Doors frontman. This week, approach the oddest ball in the room and befriend him/her. At the very least, you’ll get a one-night stand with a beautiful stranger.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Fire needs three elements to keep burning: heat, fuel and oxygen. (We can’t remember if we learned that from science class or The Towering Inferno, but we’re sure it’s true.) Let’s say that fire is a good relationship, and heat is passion, oxygen is compatibility and fuel is the work you put into it. Sometimes, it feels so damn hot that you’re sure there must be a fire somewhere. But then again, maybe it’s just global warming.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Let’s draw a chart. We’re mapping your fun level against the number of nights you hit the town with your friends. Do you see the trajectory? Do you observe how more nights out equals more fun for you? And do you see that “fun recession” in the middle there? That’s what happens when you try to go one-on-one with someone. Hold off on that for a while — your personal economy is not stable enough to bear this burden just yet.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
There’s nothing like a secret affair: the excitement, the danger, the whispers in the ear, the knowing glances, the late night calls, the waiting by the phone, the little white lies, the unplanned weekends, the last-minute cancellations, the bottled-up emotions, the distrust, the deception, the jealousy, the fighting, the yelling… On second thought, think twice.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You can wrangle your way into anyone’s heart faster than a worm into an apple. Except not so gross. We know that most people don’t like finding a worm (or worse, half a worm) in their apple, but trust us, you’re the loveable kind of larva. When people see you, they don’t shriek, “Gross!” Instead, they think, “How lovely that this apple is obviously farm-grown and pesticide-free!” While we’re on the subject: Don’t forget to patronize your local farmers’ markets.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll be in the mood to let your inhibitions go this week. Instead of downing a fifth of gin to accomplish this goal, just focus on your heart’s desires, swallow your pride, be completely honest and true intimacy will be yours. Then you can get loaded to help yourself forget what a cheeseball you’ve become.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ve heard it all before: “Life is short. Seize the day. You only get one shot, so live it to the fullest. No regrets!” But have you really listened? It’s hard to keep the big picture in mind when you’re bogged down with the disappointments, conflicts and embarrassments of the day-to-day. But you don’t want to be on your deathbed, right before that light goes out, and suddenly be struck by the awful existential question, “What if?” Chances are, at that point you’ll be less concerned with the fact that forty years earlier you made an ass of yourself by taking a chance and confessing your true feelings to the one you love. There’s even a chance they’ll be by your bedside holding your hand at the end. (Sniffle, sniffle.).

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Not everyone knows a sure thing when they see it — if they did, we’d all be Microsoft millionaires by now. But allow us, if you will, to share a little stock tip for the week: you’re the sure thing! As long as you’re out and about, you can’t lose — you’ll be more sought after that William Shatner at a Trekkies singles convention.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Driving anywhere outside of New York City, if you want to change lanes, you signal, check for an opening, make sure the other driver has seen you and then carefully move over, all the while maintaining a steady speed. For decades, drivers have found that this leads to a harmonious, crash-free driving experience. In New York, on the other hand, your “signal” is to start edging into the next lane and instead of checking that the other driver has seen you, you just honk really loudly. Sounds like hell, right? You should see the road rage. This week, if you’re thinking of getting into (or out of) a serious relationship, think of it like lane-sharing: you could do it like New Yorkers, or you could do it like the rest of the world. Which do you think is better? (It’s not a trick question.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
In made-for-TV movies and daytime soap operas, you can always tell when someone is lying about their past. The music takes a turn for the ominous, the liar’s eyes shift repeatedly, left to right, right to left, and then we’re treated to a flashback scene that shows us what really happened. If only life came equipped with such cues. This week, you’ll need to rely on your detective skills and keep your eyes peeled for more subtle hints that things are not what they appear.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If it’s the thought that counts, then stand up and be counted! You’ve got thoughtfulness by the truckload. Use it before it all goes to waste! You’ll be surprised: thoughtfulness is the high-octane fuel of good relationships.


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Your Weekly Horoscopes: February 16th, 2015

February 16, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Be the ball this week and play hard to get. Don’t let anybody scoop you up and slam dunk you, at least not yet. Make them chase after you, break a sweat. Make them work for your balls. We mean, your ball.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Hey big spender, put your wallet away. If it’s your hard-earned dollars winning someone over, are they really worth winning? Even if it’s your easily-come-by trust fund dollars doing the winning? Okay, so let’s just say, hypothetically, that they really are that hot, and you really are that superficial. How are you going to hold onto your gold-digging hottie if the economy takes another turn for the worse? Plan for the future by being generous of heart but stingy of wallet for a while. If you find yourself tempted to spend!-spend!-spend!, then feel free to send us presents.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you’re more fun than a barrel of monkeys, you’ll have no problem attracting attention this week. If you’re not in one of your “fun” moods, well, sucks to be you. Brute force just won’t cut it, sorry — as Bonnie Raitt twanged, you can’t make them love you. Better luck next time.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Love is all around you like flies on poop this week. Just say what’s on your mind, and things will get hotter in the bedroom than a bag of dog crap set on fire and left on some poor soul’s doorstep on Goosey Night.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
To say that you’re not in a committing mood right now is putting it lightly. The devil on your shoulder is yelling “Run away! Run away!” every five minutes. And the angel’s not much help, either; she simply suggests that a brisk walk away might be both safer and more polite. We don’t want to change you (after all, we’re here to love you just the way you are) but then again, we’re not dating you. If you’re going to keep lovin’ and leavin’ em, at least have the decency to warn potential victims ahead of time so they have a chance to run first.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Someone may try to push you to make a decision regarding a relationship. If you have to think about it, you probably aren’t ready to move that fast. Then again, maybe you just haven’t had your morning coffee yet and are feeling a little sluggish. Perhaps you have a head cold, or are hungover, and just need time to wake up and smell the roses of romance. Still, chances are you’re a selfish, immature bastard who’s afraid to grow up and won’t commit. At least we’ll still love you.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We hate to be the ones to break it to you, but you can’t always be Cinderella. And this week, the shoe doesn’t fit. No matter how many toes you hack off — at least, that’s how it went in the rather gruesome version of the fairy tale we remember, thanks Mom and Dad — this glass slipper relationship is still not going to be right for you. And don’t think you can get away with rationalizing that “it’ll do for now. ” ‘Cause if you insist on shoving your big-ass ugly feet into those glass slippers while you wait for your own prince(ss) charming to come along, when s/he finally does, you’ll have so many blisters that you’ll be unfit for any kind of shoe. Even those super comfy “looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker” kind.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
So maybe there’s no Santa Claus, and perhaps the tooth fairy turned out to be pretty damned useless once you’d got all your grown-up teeth. But yes, Virginia, there is a Cupid, and this week, he’s in your corner. So make like Rocky and own the ring; with any luck, by sundown Friday you’ll be yelling “Adrian! Adrian!” in the throes of passion. Actually, come to think of it, best not to say “Adrian” unless you’re actually sleeping with one. Using your luvver’s own name adds a nice personal touch.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you feel like someone’s backing you into a corner, then dump them. Of course, you, could feel backed into a corner on the open, sprawling moors of England. Make sure you’re not blowing any pressure out of proportion. Is it really so big a deal for them to leave a toothbrush at your house if they’re ending up in your bed, at your invitation, every night? The matching track suits, however, is grounds to lose their number forever.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
It’s time to get in touch with your inner, black-clad, shit-kicker-boots-wearing, whip-wielding, six-foot-two dominatrix. Her name is Cassandra. Channel her energy this week and you should get whatever and whomever you want. You might even find someone to kiss your feet and clean your bathroom. Domination has its privileges.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re a player, Cap. But this week, prepare to get played. Wear your helmet and brace for heartache.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Tongue tied, short of breath, don’t even try, try a little harder. Something’s wrong, you’re not naive, you must must be strong. Ooh, baby, try, move a little closer. You’re too shy shy . . . It’s like Kajagoogoo wrote that song just for you this week.


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Your Fifty Shades ‘Scopes

February 9, 2015

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Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, you’re ‘scopes are all shades of grey. 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You might have and Audi R8 Sypder, a closet full of custom-made Italian clothes, and your own helipad, but it means nothing if you’re emotionally bankrupt. This week, think: less image, more soul.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The coy, naive, virginal act might work for Anastasia Steele, but on you, it rings false. Own your own sexuality and take matters into your own hands this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We’re all for a little liquid courage to loosen inhibitions a bit, but not to the point of inebriation and impaired thinking. So when out and about pursuing romantic interests this week (or any week, really), don’t get wasted like Ana, and don’t get date-rapey like Jose.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Have an open mind about matters of the heart (and matters of the bedroom), but don’t do anything that brings you to tears, unless they’re tears of joy.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week might be a good time to hide out in your playroom — and we are talking about the one with your Xbox and stuff.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The mysterious, vague, and emotionally distant act might work on Christian Grey, but on you, it’s just kind of annoying. Communicativeness, emotional availability, a sense of humor — those are the truly hot qualities that will work for you this week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
When springing for sex toys for your own Red Room of Pain (or just your Valentine’s Weekend bedroom), don’t scrimp. Splurge like you’re Christian Grey. That kind of smart investment will yield high, sexy dividends.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
It’s time for you to take this relationship of yours, bend it over your knee, and give it a good spanking. You know, shake things up! (With consent, of course!)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We know you don’t usually do romance. But this week? Just do it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If you exercise control in all things, then Ana’s right: you’re probably pretty boring. Let go a bit, loosen up, and make yourself vulnerable. In other words, let your partner tie you up for a change.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If your partner tries to shame your shameless enjoyment of trashy erotica, it’s either time for a breakup or a couple’s counselor. If they’re supportive, then pay them back with a little erotica-inspired role-playing. If you don’t have any erotica, then now’s as good a time as any to jump on the bawdy bandwagon.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t sign any relationship contracts this week. You don’t want to make any commitments you can’t keep (like being someone’s sex slave).


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Your Weekly Horoscopes: February 2nd, 2015

February 2, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Advantage, Aries. You’ve got game this week, and if you choose to play, you’ll be scoring more often than, er — oh fuck it, we don’t watch any sports (except for the Super Bowl halftime special). It’ll be love-love everywhere you look, slam-dunks from here to the bedroom, and if we make one more sports analogy, we’re going to have to run off to Best Buy and buy a big-screen TV to go with our Lay-Z-Boy. Anyway, you get the picture. And we’ll take the picture-in-picture flat-screen Panasonic, please.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Aren’t you Mr(s) Popular? Everyone will want to spend time with you this week. What, did you win the lottery or finally get that penis implant/boob jobbie? No, no, of course, it’s your loving nature that draws the crowds. So spread the love. Just wear rubber gloves.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Not only are we astrologers, we’re also psychics. We can prove it: We can guess what your middle name is. Check it out…it’s coming through a little hazy…no, we are definitely getting a name…yep, yep…it’s Scatterbrains! Whether it’s on your birth certificate or not, that’s your middle name this week. So don’t make any sudden moves or important decisions (like officially changing your middle name to something like “Scatterbrains”).

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
There’s a fine line between attracting attention and banging a big spoon on a metal pot. Faking your own suicide, for example, would probably fall into the latter category. So would pretending your dog died…or that you suddenly need Viagra.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week, if love is a dance, then you need to stop being a wallflower. Which is just about the cheesiest goddamn thing we’ve ever said. A dance? That sounds like something our grandmothers would say. Or worse, a Hallmark greeting card. But, whatever — when the stars tell you to dance, we guess you just gotta make like Kevin Bacon and cut loose.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We know that sometimes it feels like your sex drive is, well, driving, and you’re just riding shotgun. But that’s no excuse for not offering up helpful navigation suggestions every now and then. For example, “No, not that one, s/he’s got a mullet!” Or, “Noooooo! Not the ex!” Or, “Let’s go home and masturbate!”

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Here’s your problem: Your gnat impersonations. When you like someone and/or are trying to get them to do something (namely, you), you have a tendency to buzz around them in an erratic fashion. Your intentions are good, but it’s still totally annoying. Here’s your solution: Stop buzzing. Do something constructive instead, like an arts and crafts project. Art is sexy.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Admit it: You’re no Cyrano on your best days (and you’re certainly no Sagittarius), and this will not be a week of best days. But that doesn’t mean you have to plagiarize (or hire a Scorpio) in order to get laid. Besides, your Scorpio friends will all be too busy getting laid themselves to help out. Instead, work with what you’ve got: The heart of a Good Samaritan and more creative ideas than Martha Stewart after five years in the slammer. Do something nice for your intended, and then sit back and wait for the booty to come your way. Oh, it will alright, you can be sure of that: We have a special place in our loins for you Scorpio. (And no, we don’t say that to all the star signs.)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Talk is cheap. It’s also a fabulous way to get into someone’s pants. Which should make your week, considering that you’re currently blessed with a honey tongue, totally broke, and in more dire need of a good shag than anyone we’ve seen in a long time.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We don’t know if you’re usually the touchy-feely type (oh, who are we kidding; you’re a Capricorn and we know everything), but this week, you’re going to be handing out kisses like you’re sponsored by Hershey’s. Hey man, it’s all good. Feel the love. Just don’t feel it with anyone who’s got active oral herpes.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s time for your medicine. We know you hate those super-serious, state-of-the-relationship Talks, but there’s only so long you can put it off for. Trust us, you’ll feel much better once you know for sure where you stand (assuming you’re not totally off in your educated guess as to the state of the relationship, in which case, it serves you right for waiting for so long and we hope you’ve learned your lesson for next time). And who knows? Maybe you’ll even be rewarded with a lil’ “sugar” to help the medicine go down.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re softer than Charmin, which is mostly really endearing, but sometimes leads people to act like it’s okay to use you to wipe their ass. We know you find it hard to say no, but if you keep up this Mr./Ms. Congeniality act, you’ll be knees-deep in a committed relationship before you can say “Can you spare a square?”


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Your Weekly Horoscopes: January 26, 2015

January 26, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t you hate it when terribly clever people say terribly unexpected things like “Your biggest sexual organ is. . . your brain”? Then they smile at you coyly, expecting some kind of facial reaction from you to confirm that they have indeed rocked your world. Damn pseudo-intellectual pop-psychologists. We wouldn’t dream of stooping to such pat drivel, but we will say that thinking before you speak could be the difference between playing with someone else’s smaller sexual organ and playing with yours alone.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Anyone who judges you by the size of your wallet (or any other body part) doesn’t deserve the great oral sex you give.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t let your genitals do the decision making this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
How do you expect your partner know where you stand when you keep moving around the chessboard of love without following any of the rules? Don’t rush, take turns making moves, and don’t jump anyone you’re not supposed to. Otherwise, you’ll end up playing with yourself.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Okay, this week’s horoscope comes in the form of a pop quiz. Question one: Did you spend last Friday night sitting at home for a Meg Ryan movie marathon, wondering how many more sleepless nights in Seattle you’ll have to spend before meeting your Harry? Question two: Has anyone ever used the phrase “serial monogamist” to describe your dating habits? Question three: Would going to a movie alone make you feel like a big fat dork? Question four: Was college the last time you made a booty call? If you answered “yes” to at least two of these questions, then you might want to seriously consider your motivations before entering a new relationship. Are you sure you’re really into him/her and not just a little, uh, desperate?

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Let’s get touchy-feely, shall we? Even though it’s cliche, the earnest sex gurus are right: We must openly communicate our needs and desires to our partners without shame, and without hysterically cracking up or running to the bathroom to hide. So what if it’s out of character for you; that strong and silent routine is only sexy for so long. Open up, share with group, and those fantasies in your head might come true. And yes, we’d like some wine with that cheese.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Call us crazy, but we see a high correlation between givers in the community and givers in bed. Think about it: Is that guy who plays bingo with the old folks for three hours every Saturday afternoon really going to withold oral attention because it’s too one-sides? And is the gal who gives up her Friday nights to serve in a soup kitchen likely to be someone who doesn’t believe in reciprocity? So what we’re saying is, think globally, act locally, and reap the benefits later. Aw yeah.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But it’s better to have never loved at all than to lie and say “I love you” when you surely don’t mean it. There are better ways to get them off your back. Like, say . . . oh, we don’t know . . . breaking up with them. Too harsh? Okay, okay, you don’t have to be in love with someone to date them — duh — but you can’t fake them out either. That’s just wrong, like, leggings-for-men wrong.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We hate to break it to you, but there are people out there who will find your exhaustive bedroom banter and playful manner just plain exhausting. Pick partners who’ll appreciate it when you spontaneously break into dirty Ovid verse or bring out the ping pong paddle. Surround yourself with people who can keep up and can keep it up.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, it’s all about the subtle signal. As in, you giving a subtle signal that will let someone know you’re interested. Anything stronger than “subtle” and you risk scaring them off. Of course, we can’t tell you what the signal is — that’s for you to figure out. And if we did know a universally accepted “subtle signal” then we’d be too busy writing a bestselling book about it and putting all the other advice columnists out of business to give you your horoscope, anyway. So give thanks for small favors.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
What you really need is a partner with substance. So think genitally and act locally: Get involved in community projects, play bingo with the old folks, paint a mural for your local elementary school (just be sure to ask permission first). And we recommend not telling that fellow good samaritan you end up bedding the real reason why you volunteered until at least six months into the relationship.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Lose the wig/the make-up/the bra cutlets/the cucumber in your pants: This week, it’s all about being yourself.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Tooting your own horn this week will help attract that special person. And no, that doesn’t mean asking them to pull your finger during a romantic dinner.


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