photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Play a game of cat and mouse this week. No, you can’t be the cat. You were the cat last time. Give someone else a chance for a change. Play it safe, eat some cheese, be the damn mouse. And don’t even think about whipping out that black leather suit à la Halle Berry in Catwoman. And put down that leotard. You’ll be the mouse and you’ll damn well like it!

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’ve got a million things on your plate, you’re constantly on the go and you never shut up — and that’s a good thing. The hard part is finding someone who can keep up. Giving partners time to build up their enthusiasm muscles will help any potential relationships. So will secretly replacing their caffeine-free Diet Coke with Red Bull.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Being in a relationship is not the be-all and end-all. Think of the time demands, the emotional dependency, the routine. Sure, we’re just saying this to make you feel better, but if you’re not with the right person then all that stuff can be an issue. Take some time to date yourself and find out what it is you really want (and no, we’re not just talking about masturbation).

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Your aggressive nature will send your lover running in the opposite direction. Or maybe it’s your body odor. Cover all your bases and keep both in check this week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Resist the temptation to send your sweetheart flowers, tattoo their name on your butt, sky-write a marriage proposal or build a secret voodoo shrine with red candles, bird talons, Xeroxed copies of their face and lots of goat’s blood. There’s a fine line between enthusiasm and stalking; don’t cross it this week. ‘Cause if you ever watch Lifetime, then you know: Stalkers never win.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
If you chase anything long and hard enough, chances are you’ll become convinced that the chase is worth it. Chances are, the thrill of the chase will make you forget what it is you’re chasing. We’re not sure if it’s your fancy new Pumas or all those butt-clenching exercises you’ve been doing at your desk (yes, we see you), but this week, you’re going to win the chase. Enjoy the victory lap, because by the time you get home, you may be bored of your prize.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Frequenting old haunts is the best thing you can do for love this week. Who knows what that means, but at least you have plans for the weekend now.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
If you are subtle with your flirtations, you will attract someone very observant. And if you are obvious, you will turn off everyone and go home alone and sad. This week, get involved in organizations where you can meet large groups of people. Once there, try to attract someone very observant. Get the picture?

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Spend more quality time with yourself. Resist the urge to turn on the TV. Remember, you’re not that boring.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t deny the world the fabulousness of you this week. Get out. Have fun. Don’t drink too many dirty martinis.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Aquarius, Aquarius, Aquarius. Why, oh why, do we feel like we just keep telling you the same thing week after week. Probably because we do. Are you listening? There are life lessons here that you should be actively applying in the day to day. For instance, take off those silly rose-colored glasses once and for all. And would you stop moving so quickly when it comes to relationships? Yeah, you’re right, you probably won’t, because you’re an Aquarius, after all. But please, just this once, won’t you try, for us?

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You are cruisin’ for a bruisin’ of your heart (and other organs) if you don’t ease up on the quick and casual, purely physical trysts. Animal lust is a beautiful thing, but so is Barbie, and we all know she’s not the first person we’d want around when the shit comes down. There’s something to be said for having a partner who has more between their ears than rubber-smelling air.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It’s like you’re on your own episode of “The Love Boat” this week, except without that annoying Julie McCoy getting in the way. Set a course for adventure; put your mind on a new romance. It won’t hurt any more, we promise (at least not until next week).

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t settle for second best when it comes to a relationship. But don’t be like those psycho parents who coach their kid’s softball team and put so much pressure on them that it takes all the fun out of the game and they just end up crying or wetting their pants. Find a happy medium.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
This week, you’ll be putting the rico back in suave. You’ll be more sought after than the hottest counselor at summer camp, except this time, all your adoring fans are well past (or, at least, just past) the age of consent. Go nuts! Stay cool! Have a great end to your summer!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you’re looking for a challenge, you’ve found it! If you’re looking for an “unconventional” relationship, you’ve found it! If sweet, loving, tender, committed, long-term relationships seem “boring” to you, then you won’t find this one dull! If you’re looking to have your heart pummeled in a blender, it’s your lucky week!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Pushiness usually looks good on you. But this week, it’ll look like a neon-colored shirt with horizontal stripes and plaid pants. Or worse, it’ll look like a mullet. This week, you won’t be able to force intimacy from a partner anymore than you’ll be able to make something from the old Jaclyn Smith line of clothes from K-mart “work.”

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
With risk comes reward, and with no risk comes a string of lonely nights in front of the television watching Daily Show reruns just stay in the loop of current events. Wouldn’t it be nicer to have someone to cuddle with on the couch while you stay in the loop? So take a chance and ask them out already. We forbid you to whine about long lonely nights until then. Sure, they might say no, but at least then you’ll have earned your right to whine about long lonely nights.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
In the immortal words of James Brown, get up. If you want to get down, you gotta get up. We said get up, you lazy mofo. What does this look like, a retirement home? If you want to sit at home and watch Daily Show re-runs all weekend like Virgo, then don’t come crying to us when you’re still doing that twenty years from now.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The whole trick to writing horoscopes is to make them applicable both to the sweet young couple on their second date and the dirty old marrieds who just bought a strap-on together. Of course, it’s not a “trick” — it’s an art, it’s a science, and it’s mystical as hell, alright? That said, here’s yours for the week. “Quotation marks” mean you should interpret as your current situation requires: Be a little “mysterious” and take the unusual “route” this week, and you will surely meet someone who is equally as “creative” and willing to use his or her “imagination” to please you as well. Now that’s a horoscope.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don’t mislead someone about your intentions just because you don’t want to be alone tonight. If all you’re interested in is “play,” then ferchrissakes don’t check the “serious relationship” box, you big heart tease.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This is not the best week for you and relationships. Apparently you are likely to be extremely sensitive and overreact to emotional situations. So, uh, hey, did you know that “Piranha 3-D” opened recently? We hear it’s a real quality flick, maybe you should go see it a couple of times. Alone.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Your unique approach to life will attract all sorts of attention this week. Just be your free-spirited self, and interesting characters will gravitate to your side. Honestly, we’re not attaching any kind of judgment to the words “unique,” “free-spirited” and “interesting. ” And we’re not trying to say that new-age hippie freaks will always gravitate to other new-age hippie freaks. We just think happen to think you’re special, and it’s about damn time someone told you so, ya new-age hippie freak.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Some people are paralyzed by the prospect of making decisions. They fear they’ll make the wrong choice, that one wrong move — like buying the generic toothpaste on sale rather than the Tom’s of Maine — could set in motion an irreversible course of events that will determine whether or not they die alone and destitute. So they procrastinate, overanalyze, and stress. Ultimately, they don’t decide, just let the toothpaste fall where it may, which is of course a kind of decision all of its own. Usually, these people feel out of control, constantly worried, like there’s a void. And this week, we’re saying that’s a good thing for you. Embrace the indecision. Sit on your ass. See how the other half suffers and it’ll serve your love life well. Don’t worry, you can go back to taking charge of your destiny next week, after some sucker’s taken pity on you and taken you home.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You know how coaches tell you that your cool-down period after a work-out should be in direct proportion to the length of the session? Thus a twenty-minute jog around the block will only require a few minutes of wind-down walking, whereas a three-hour cross-country run will need a lot more. Relationships are kind of the same way. For example, while it may be appropriate to call off a mini-relationship (we’re talking no more than two dates) via email, it is definitely not cool to dump your three-year lover over the phone. Right now, you’re in a twenty-minute jog relationship, but admit it: You’re kind of bored. Plus their oral pleasures skills are lacking. So why not get out now while the getting out is easy; a few more months and it’s going to take some serious undoing.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
A podiatry tale: Keep your feet on the ground. Then put your best foot forward — this will require a sort of sliding action, since you will be keeping your feet on the ground, remember? This also means you will be keeping your feet out of your mouth. When you reach the edge, jump in with both feet and you’ll be walking on sunshine in no time.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Teabaggers think their taxes have been raised. “The Bachelor Pad” must be a sign of the Apocalypse. Doesn’t anyone care about poverty anymore? Inflated salaries have sucked all the joie de vivre out of sports. The Vatican should be prosecuted for organized crime. Who said you could blow second-hand smoke my way? Blah blah blah–why do you have to be so opinionated all the time? Can’t you just sit back and let the TV wash over you like the rest of us? No? Well, good for you. But if you want to get laid this week, you might want to turn it down to four or five and save the big “the world is ending” rant for the morning after.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be very popular this week. Just don’t abuse your power like all the popular kids in high school did. Because everyone knows what happens to them: Eventually, their faces get all puffy like they’ve been stung by a bee, they try to hang onto their youth by recreating it to a T as quickly as possible with the first candidate who comes along, and then end up living boring, meaningless lives. Man, high school sucked.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You know all those songs that tell you to take a chance on love? Don’t listen to their lies! Proceed with caution this week. Be picky. Have some standards. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt, a second chance, or even just some slack are nice things you should avoid like the plague right now. Yes, be a total jerkwad — you have our permission.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You hear that ringing in your head? Really, you do? ‘Cause we were just kidding about a literal noise — you might want to get that checked out. But the metaphorical ringing you hear is your destiny calling. Your one-and-only (at least, your one-and-only for this month) is in the vicinity, but they won’t hang around for long. So don’t hit the snooze button. You snooze, you lose. And also, don’t mix your metaphors and don’t use cliches.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Keep your eyes peeled for stages: karaoke bars, open-mic evenings, political rallies, upturned crates on street corners, etc. Because speaking in front of a group is your chance to wow someone in the audience. And as someone once said, all the world’s a stage. It’s just a matter of getting the audience to listen to you. Maybe you should be like the New York lottery guy in the ads and carry a podium with you wherever you go.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You will apparently impress someone from a distance this week. Someone in an audience. We suggest you save yourself a lot of hassle and just follow around a Libra for the week. They’ll be the ones lugging around a podium.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will be a big talker but when it comes to pinning you down about love issues, you are not likely to be forthcoming. You will play a great game of cat and mouse, leaving anyone interested in you wondering. The stars don’t say whether this is good or bad. But if you ask us, it blows.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Life can be like a fairy tale, it just takes a little longer to get to the happy ending. Like this week, for example: toads, toads, toads, toads, toads. So don’t bother kissing any of them, unless you like getting warty lips.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
The forecast is not looking good for you this week: just whirlwinds that won’t go anywhere and won’t last. Be a rainy-day friend and save all the fun date stuff for later, when the sun comes out, and you’ll have a better chance of meeting a hot meterologist.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Here’s a crazy idea: Pursue someone who seems nice. You’re familiar with the type? They hold open doors for others, give to charity regularly, carry heavy grocery bags for little old ladies, warn complete strangers about the piece of TP stuck to their shoe, always remember their mom’s birthday, never cheat on their partner. You know, the little things.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Opposites, shmopposites! You’re onto someone who’s just as intense and strong-willed (or obnoxious and opinionated, depending how you look at it) as you are. Put on your gloves (and your satin underwear) and put up your dukes, because you’re about to go head to head in the ring of love. And in this ring, there are no losers, only people with mullets.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week, it’s all about body language. And we don’t mean the cheezoid hair toss or the so-called seductive crossing and uncrossing of the legs, a la Sharon Stone. No, we just mean: Walk into a room like you own it. Look at that hottie across the room like it’s your decision whether they come over and ask for your number. Try not to talk to much; you risk ruining your rap. Walk out of a room like you know you’re taking the party with you. If your friends ask you why you’re walking funny, give them a “you wouldn’t understand” look and stare off into the distance. Just wait till they see your funny walk tomorrow, after you’ve gotten the lay of your life.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We . . . would . . . like . . . to . . . teach . . . you . . . a . . . lesson . . . in . . . patience. Do you always skim the last few pages of a novel to get to the end? Do you get ants in your pants during commercial breaks? Are you wondering how the hell you’re going to wait eighteen months until the next season of the Sopranos? Of course you do, you’re a Gemini! Well, these small trials were put here on this Earth to make you a better person. And this week, the trial will take the form of . . . booty! Sucks to be you, but if you can bide your time for, oh, six days, we have a feeling you won’t be getting much rest on the seventh, heh, heh. (Don’t you love it when we make cheesy Biblical jokes like your dirty old Baptist uncle?)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Love will come looking for you this week. However, it may just be someone dressed up in a Love suit looking to use you. Don’t fall for it. Especially if it’s a coworker.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You have nothing to worry about this week. No, really. Except for Afghanistan and the economy and the instability of Levi and Bristol’s relationship — nothing. As far as sex, love and naughty underwear go, your life will be worry-free.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Do it! What are you waiting for?! Act now! Don’t hesitate! Hurry, hurry! It’s do or die! Jump in with both feet! The early bird gets the worm! Why are we shouting?!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The stars say to put on the charm and do your dance this week. You have a dance? Is this something you do in your underwear in front of your bedroom mirror? Does it involve spanking your own ass with a hairbrush? Or is this “dance” something you do out in public, like some kind of macho end zone spaz-out that embarrasses all your friends? If you ask us, the stars are smoking crack. Whatever you do, don’t do your dance. Putting on the charm, however, is fine by us.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
If you ask us, the stars are serving you some bullshit advice this week: “Play some mind games to keep your romantic interest guessing and on their toes.” Great. Why don’t you say you: I’ll call tomorrow and then rudely wait for days to do so? Better yet, why don’t you steal Libra’s smooth dance moves to keep them guessing? Yep, that’ll get you laid.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You may be a real joker but if you make fun of others you aren’t likely to gain the respect of someone you are trying to impress. You will lose out in the romance department if you aren’t diplomatic. In other words, don’t be an asshole.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If Oprah wrote these horoscopes, she’d tell you to rejuvenate, rekindle and reach out for your love. But she doesn’t, so we’ll just say this: Get busy in the bedroom! Do not leave the bedroom (except to pee) until you’ve conquered at least ten Kama Sutra positions.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
This isn’t the week to toot your own horn. If you do, you won’t be tooting anyone else’s horn, if you know what we mean.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
While we’re usually all for secret office romances — the long lunches, the supply closet make-out sashes, the car pooling! — you really shouldn’t get involved with someone at work this week. It will be short lived and may jeopardize your job as well. Think before you make a move on someone who is off limits, like a boss or an underling. Wait till next week, and then make a move on a coworker who’s glued to same rung of the corporate ladder with no prospects for upward mobility, just like you.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This week, be the boss in matters of the heart, and you’ll find it’s not always lonely at the top. In fact, that’s just a myth they tell the little people to quell ambition. If you take charge and be bold, you’ll find that it’s often quite the opposite of lonely at the top. Don’t forget your dictaphone!

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The key to every successful relationship is compromise. You’ve got to give up a little to get a lot more; you’ve got to learn to let some things go to get other things in return. Of course, if you could care less about a successful relationship, you can afford to say stupid things like, “It’s either my way or the highway” while chewing your dip and drinking your forty in a padded baseball cap and a wife-beater. But we think you’ve graduated to a new class of interpersonal relations.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Beware of gold diggers. Especially while attending talks. (Don’t look at us — we don’t make this stuff up.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You have great friends — they’re funny, charming, attractive, good conversationalists, and probably dynamite in the bedroom, too. And the thing is, you’re going to be bricking all week. So might we suggest you travel in a posse? No need to hide behind them; just think of them as a temporary safety net until you get your mojo back next week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You may be able to chat your way into someone’s heart-slash-pants, but your aggressive action is likely to send him or her running pretty soon. Back off and let whomever you fancy come to you instead. Translation: You’ll be watching a lot of porn this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Look closely: Are they really as available as they lead you to believe? “Available” isn’t just a state of mind, you know.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll have a fifty/fifty chance of choosing the right partner this week. Here’s a hint: Looks are deceiving. Here’s another: All that glitters is not gold. Getting warm? Someone once told you that “personality” was just a crutch for ugly people. That someone is going broke from all their Botox treatments and feels very empty inside.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Scorpio, you know all those things you say after six too many gin and tonics? The nice things, we mean — when you get that slushy gushy feeling that you’re in love with the world and it seems like a good idea to wake one of the world’s citizens at five a. m. and tell them so. This week, stay sober and keep the gushy stuff to yourself. If not drinking is too much to ask, hide your phone before leaving the house at night to avoid the drunken dialies.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The humble peppercorn. Such a delightful addition to scrambled eggs, when finely ground and applied in moderation. Too much pepper, of course, and you’re sneezing like a champion and wiping snot on your sleeve — and the eggs? Well, they’re just plain ruined. Where were we going with this? Oh yes: Your desire to be in a more serious relationship is the peppercorn. Beware of applying too liberally.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Beware of strangers bearing gifts.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Love don’t cost a thing, and neither does asking a question. If you want the salt then you say, “Would you please pass the salt,” right? Assuming that you already have enough salt in your diet, you might want to consider what else (or who else) it is that you’d like. And then ask the damn question. This is not Jeopardy: there are no wrong questions.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
There’s this great flick with Goldie Hawn and Burt Reynolds called Best Friends (only the lucky few who had HBO in the early ’80s have heard of it). In BF, this long-term, live-together, work-together couple finally decides to get married — to make it official, to take the relationship to the next level. As a result, however, the delicate social and emotional balance they’d created is suddenly upset. Hilarity ensues. The moral of the story? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Or at least that’s what they want you to believe…before they sucker punch you with the typical Hollywood happy ending — you know the one: something about love conquering all, blah, blah, blah. Well, this week, rewind and stick with the original pessimistic premise.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You are likely to forget to pick up toilet paper when you run out this week — so keep a box of backup Kleenex on hand. Oh yeah, you’ll also be horny (now there’s a change), but you’re likely to forget your manners — so keep a box of back-up self-love handy.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Let’s say you’ve read Fast Food Nation and it’s changed your consumption habits for life. But let’s say someone you’re interested in is addicted to McDonald’s fries. Yes, you know the evil reason why they’re addicted to said fries because you’ve read Fast Food Nation, but this certain someone just doesn’t want to hear it. Now, even if your intentions are good, if you knock the french fries out of their hand you may only succeed in ruining a relationship and being the direct cause of even more evil french fries being bought.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Slow down, you move too fast. You got to make the morning last. Hey, who says it’s not Simon & Garfunkel Week? Sometimes their hippy dippy lyrics get to the point of life and love quickly and efficiently. Apply the above line to your romantic approach this week, and you should be feeling groovy.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
It’s not easy being the practical one, is it? There’s always someone who claims you’re raining on their parade with your boring pragmatics. How many times have you been made to feel like the grown-up who’s spoiling the kids’ fun with all your nagging about early bedtimes and the importance of broccoli? Well fret no more, because very soon, your practical nature is going to attract someone very special (and practical too). And hey, when you do meet them, do us a favor and kick back, relax a little, and enjoy yourself for once, would ya?

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Being in a relationship is kind of like driving cross-country — if you’re not with someone you really like, you’re better off traveling solo with a bunch of good mix tapes for company. Practice discrimination, patience, and rampant self-pleasure until you meet someone truly worthy of riding shotgun.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Are you there, Virgo? It’s me, Margaret. I’m here to tell you that you must, you must, you must increase your lust. Go find yourself someone to spend seven minutes in the closet with this week. It’ll make fifth grade more bearable.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It’s true, you’re a giver. But that generosity of spirit (and spit) might be mistaken for desperation, obsession, even “easiness” — at least by jerks, anyway. Either hold back a little or stop dating jerks.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sure, they’re hotter than Georgia asphalt and hornier than a high school teen on ecstasy and Viagra. But deep down, their life is more messed up than an episode of VH1’s “Behind the Music. ” Unless you’re prepared to join them in a downward spiral of drugs, booze, and unflattering tabloid photographs, steer clear of this particular flavor of the week.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ve got to hunt for your prey in its natural habitat. If you like the nerdy, quiet type, then the mosh pit is probably the wrong place to be scoping the joint. And if you’re looking for someone to walk on the wild side with, making googly eyes in the library is not going to get you far. Actually, making googly eyes in the library will probably just get you arrested, no matter what type you’re looking for. Freak.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’re going to drive potential lovers wild this week by unconsciously radiating animal magnetism. But you won’t even notice because you’ll have your head so far up the butt of work . . . Well, maybe you’ll notice, now that we’ve told you you won’t. Unless you forget about this horoscope five minutes after you read it. Which you probably will. So, yeah, you won’t even notice.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)

Take it easy. The more you push someone into an intimate situation the more he or she will be reluctant, slap you in the face or press charges. Didn’t you ever hear that story when you were a kid about the contest between the Wind and the Sun to see who could get the man’s jacket off, and the Wind was all cocky and macho, boasting about his power and strength like a fraternity date rapist, and the Sun was super laid back with a big smile on his face like he had just smoked a big fatty, and the Wind got all up in the man’s face trying to force it off which only made the man button up his jacket tighter while the Sun just sat back and shined and shined and quickly got the man to happily take his jacket off? If it had been an “adult” book, the Sun could have just kept shining, getting the man so hot and bothered that he had to unbutton his shirt, then pull down his pants, and then, aw yeah, slowly, oh so slowly, take off his tight, white Calvin Kleins to reveal his huge, throbbing . . . Anyway, you get the picture.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Love is in the air and you’ll be singing in the rain, literally. (Excuse us while we puke.) This probably means things are going so well romantically that everything will be a reason to celebrate, and nothing will get you down. Or maybe it just means you like musicals a little too much.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t be a noodge. Don’t be a player. Don’t be “the ball.” Just be the dude in the back bleachers with the glove and a beer and let the home runs come to you.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Just because you pride yourself on never telling a lie, that doesn’t excuse you from coming right out and offering up the truth. Now, we’re not suggesting you send out an office memo admitting to Xeroxing your ass on the photocopier, or calling up your old high school sweetheart and confessing to hooking up with their best friend out in the parking lot at the prom. Just make sure that you’re currently not leading anyone on by keeping your true intentions to yourself.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
When you’re looking for a parking space in a crowded city, there are two ways to go about it. You can force your car into the first gap you see, never mind the dents you cause or the fire hydrants you block or the chihuahuas you squash. Or, you can drive around patiently until you find the space that fits your car just so, the one you can glide into smoothly using those parallel parking skills you’re famous for. It may take a while, but think of the money you’ll save on insurance, parking tickets, and lawsuits (some people are quite attached to their dogs). Be the patient parker this week, even if your partner is being as stubborn as a fire hydrant.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Make like Olivia Newton John this week and get physical. That’s not code for “have sex” (though knockin’ boots can provide a good cardiovascular workout). No, we really mean get off your bum and get moving, whether at the gym, in a park, or up a mountain. You may not meet the person of your dreams at any of these places, but at least when you eventually do, your ass will look great.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)

One of our favorite love stories of all time is the film Harold and Maude. Harold is barely twenty when he falls for a sweet old lady named Maude. They meet at the funeral of a mutual stranger — they share a common interest in death and other people’s funerals — and begin one of the sweetest love affairs in cinematic history. We’re not suggesting you start trawling the death announcements for potential singles spots, but you should follow your heart, in hobbies and crushes alike — no matter how weird your friends tell you you’ve become.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
In a world of fast food, high-speed dial-ups, express lanes, and single-application yeast infection treatments, it’s only natural to want your love and sex and to want it now. Life is short, after all. But rushing into things this week will be like eating at Burger King: it sounds like a great idea at the time, your mouth starts to water at the thought of those delectable onion rings, satisfaction so near you can smell it; but immediately afterwards, you invariably feel dirty, guilty, and greasy — and not in a good way.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll forget your keys at work, your wallet at home, your doctor’s appointment, and your assistant’s birthday this week. Just don’t forget how absolutely fabulous you are. Even if you can’t remember to change your underwear, you’ve still got a lot to offer people, including all the jerks who don’t appreciate you or deserve you.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Someone pushy and manipulative is going to come into your life this week. Push back. Maybe they’ll trip and fall into your bed.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Who cares? Not you, that’s who! Okay, you probably care a little bit, because you’re sensitive like that. But being honest and up front and completely giving is not going to get you anywhere with someone who’s playing hard to get. With them — we’re sorry to say — you’re going to have to play games. (And boy, they better be worth it for us to offer such crap advice.)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
How could you?! You’re so selfish; all you think of is yourself. Those countless promises you made? All lies. Do the words “compassion” and “honesty” mean nothing to you?…Oh wait, sorry, wrong Capricorn. You, on the other hand, you are full of surprises and eager to please. Take the initiative this week, do your own thing, and prepare to have some fun.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Its true that every rose has its thorn, but are you sure that the particular branch you have entwined yourself around even has a bloom at the end of it? All we see is a thorny bush.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Opposites attract. But eventually they’ll repel each other if one tries to change what they originally found attractive in the other. Don’t tamper with the laws of physics — otherwise gravity will knock you on your ass.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
No one ever met the love of their life sitting home on a Saturday night in front of their computer. We know, we know — you might be working on your online personal ad. But sometimes you’ve just got to put the mouse down and go outside for some fresh air and in-the-flesh flirting. Your ass will thank you for it.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s not that unheard of for people to mistake sharks for dolphins or surf boards. Just because the waters you swim in aren’t the natural habitats for oceanic predators, doesn’t mean you won’t get something bit off. Make sure you know what you’re getting into.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Usually when someone says you’re “insightful with all sorts of interesting opinions,” they mean you’re a bit of a dullard, long-winded and not all that attractive. And who wants challenging conversation at the beach anyway? Well, screw the lot of them and their Danielle Steele trashy beach-reading — this week, your razor-sharp insights and witty repartee will be reeling them in. And you’ll be a total hottie to boot.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Here’s your problem: You make yourself too easily available. If potential suitors think that anyone can have you, then why should they bother trying to woo you? Here’s your solution: Be a little aloof. Play a little hard to get. If you must find validation in the attentions of others, then find it in how many people you say “no” to rather than how many people you go home with.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve got it going on this week, so don’t waste it. And don’t ask us what “it” is — if we knew what “it” was, do you think we’d still be here peddling horoscopes? No, we’d bottle it and become millionaires and you’d have to pay $200 an hour to hear what we think about the stars. Until then, use your “it” wisely: Pick up the damn phone and make a date — or at least have really steamy phone sex.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Put your feet up and stay a while. You’ve been enjoying the thrill of the chase for so long now, you forgot how much fun it can be to crank back the La-Z-Boy, crack open a tall one, and let the hotties come to you for a change.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Patience is a virtue. So what, you say? Okay, how about this: patience will get you laid. Now do we have your attention? You’ll be tempted to fast-forward a relationship to the sex scene this week. But what’s your hurry? It’s a three-day rental. Take your time, hit pause, order a pizza and then sit back and enjoy a good movie. Because without all the plot and dialogue, it’s just a porno.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
There’s a thick gray fog hanging heavy over the dark sea of your sex life. Ask a good friend at the lighthouse to shed some light your way. The only way to navigate yourself safely to brighter skies, clearer waters and sex-filled beaches is with a little help and guidance from a lighthouse keeper.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ve got your mojo going on this week, so don’t waste it on players with mullets, Celine Dion fans, or anyone who’s never voted. You’ve got to channel the mojo, man. Take it on the road and find an appreciative audience. Don’t worry about the cover charge; you can pay off your credit card bill next month when the mojo’s on strike and you’re stuck at home listening to old Doors records.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ll be inclined to get into a relationship for all the wrong reasons this week. You know, the usual: No plans for the weekend; six months since you got laid; urge to cuddle; desire to make your ex jealous; desire to please your parents; fear of dying alone, etc. We can’t promise that you won’t die alone, but we can promise that any relationship you enter into in this state will come back and bite you in the ass within the month. And hey, if we’re wrong, you won’t care, because you’ll be in a great relationship that’s not biting you in the ass. So everyone wins!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You will be eager to get into a loving relationship, probably because you are in dire need of intimate contact…from others…besides family members. Don’t let desperation make you do anything (or anyone) stupid. Bring protection (whether that means condoms or a friend who won’t let you drunk dial an ex when you go out on Friday night).

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Q: What do you want to do tonight? A: Let’s go out dancing…no, let’s just stay in. Q: What would you like to eat? A: Pizza…no, wait, Chinese. Q: Shall we go with the standard missionary position or should we break out the leather underpants and the ball gag? A: The former…well, maybe the latter…no, the former. Your inability to make up your mind will drive your lover crazy. Be affectionate or do a little dance or something and maybe, if you’re lucky (and a really good dancer), they’ll overlook your wishywashiness.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It’s time to shut up and put out. ‘Nuff said.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Everyone knows about Mr. /Ms. Right vs. Mr. /Ms. Right Now. The trouble is, you’ve been so concerned with tracking down Mr. /Ms. Right that you’re in danger of settling down, not so happily ever after, with Mr. /Ms. So Wrong. Get out there and find yourself a little “right now,” if you catch our drift. It should eliminate some of your, ahem, “personal frustration.”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
It’s a great weekend at the beach with friends, new and old. As night falls, your sun-kissed skin burns, the air cools and the wind picks up a bit. After cooking veggie burgers and dogs on the back patio grill and putting back a few gin & tonics with lime, a bunch of you stray back to the beach in the dark. All it takes is one exhibitionistic friend, and suddenly the gang is stripping — white asses disappearing into the black water. You hesitate, then throw caution to the wind and drop trou. The fleeting embarrassment is worth this feeling of refreshing liquid in new places. Later, you end up making out under the stars with someone you’d least expect. This has been a metaphor for your week — jump in.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Mingle, dahlings: it makes you look popular, and everyone wants to sleep with the popular kid.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We’ve heard it all before: “If only I had more money, I could do all the things I really wanted to do. If only I had a better body, I could wear all the clothes I really wanted to wear. If only I could sing and screw like Sting, I could have anyone I ever really wanted…” Silence! Work with what you’ve got and make the most of it. Otherwise you’ll end up like that Miniver Cheevy dude from the Edwin Arlington Robinson poem and, come on, everyone knows how bad that would be.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The problem with secret affairs is that you always have to meet in secret, thus greatly reducing your chances of meeting someone new. Yeah, we know we’re cynical, but did you really believe that the little tryst that you can’t tell anyone about — and truthfully, you only told like four or five friends — was going to turn into a lifelong connection? Face it, your public needs you: don’t deny them any longer.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You should expect “changes regarding your love life” and that you shouldn’t hesitate to “go with the flow.” If you do, apparently, “the end result could be quite amusing.” Amusing for whom, we’re not sure. But if people start laughing near you this week, well, you’ll know why — your love life is just so damn funny. Bwah ha ha!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Charm will not be your strong suit this week. Here are some things to avoid in particular: forcing the issue, throwing temper tantrums, stamping your foot, getting all huffy and puffy, saying things like “It’s either my way or the highway,” etc. We can assure you, your lover will not play Daddy to your Veruca Salt, now…or ever.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You do something to someone, something that simply mystifies them. Tell them, why it should be, you have the power to hypnotize them. Let them live ‘neath your spell. Do do that voodoo that you do so well, for you do something to them that nobody else could do.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
What’s that they say about the tail wagging the dog? Well, let’s assume you’re the dog (sorry, nothing personal) and your overwhelming desire to fall in love (or at the very least, to have sex) is your tail. And it’s been shakin’ and draggin’ your sorry ass all over the place. Put your tail between your legs and get some control. At least then you’ll have something between your legs.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You look so cute when you’re all bossy. And a little birdie told us how, uh, horny they get when you’re in charge. So climb up into your lifeguard chair, smear some zinc oxide across your nose and start blowing that whistle. Even the strongest swimmers can use a few barked instructions and an inflatable device every now and then.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
New love is like a bunny. A little, soft, scared and trembling bunny-wunny. We know the bunny’s cute and all, but go easy on the hugs and kisses or it might get scared and run away. Or you might break its neck. And then where would you be? One hundred percent bunny-less, that’s where.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’re usually fluent in all those international languages, like love and body language. But this week you might have to string a sentence or two together and actually communicate your thoughts and feelings through your mouth (sans the saliva swapping). Say the right thing and you’ll get exactly what you want. Say the wrong thing and you could end up old and alone with six cats and hairy palms collecting stamps or something. No pressure.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
In the market for someone or something new? Then why not try Confidence, now with a new lemon twist! It’ll have you walking tall and attracting mates within minutes. Use it every day for a shine no one can resist.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
What, you think you’re in Cirque de Soleil or something? Your juggling skills may be pretty good, but sooner or later one or more of those hearts is going to hit the floor. And those stains are a bitch to get out.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Your heart will be telling you to make your move, your brain will be telling you to slow down, and your cynicism will be telling you to lay off the Cheese Whiz. Don’t be a cliché, just be yourself: this week, that means not overreacting, working hard, and saying nice things about us.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You will sing karaoke this week and make at least one audience member fall in love with you. Then, you will do a shot with your adoring fan. If you stick to the plan, you will be making out in the back before sun-up or before the drinks wear off, whichever comes first. Then you will go home. Then you will go to sleep. (We’re just guessing about this whole sleeping thing.)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Someone who is already attached may try to tempt you. If this person is truly interested in a relationship, he or she will terminate their current one before starting up with you. If this person is only interested in sex, he or she will simply tell you they’re interested in a relationship eventually, and you will naively believe them.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Working out? Check balancing? Toe-nail trimming? Pshaw, we say. It’s July! Relax with a tall cold one on the beach. You’re emanating that special something this week, and it’s thus an awfully good time to find a mate. In fact, it would be a crime against nature to waste all that pheromone activity on something as dull as personal hygiene or finances. (Don’t you just love it when we tell the angel on your other shoulder to take a well-deserved week off?)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
What you want and what you get are likely to be two different things. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be in a relationship. Translation: Your pet is not a healthy substitute for human contact.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will be hard to catch but fun to play with. Kind of like the little frogs that come out at night after a rain in Florida. Just be careful you don’t get caught by a local science teacher who’s got ulterior motives.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Aggressive or pushy action will push back and slap you in the face this week, so take the quiet approach and let any potential candidate for love come to you and sit on your face.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You will find it difficult to contain the way you feel this week (kind of like Tom Cruise). Someone will catch your eye and steal your heart (unfortunately, they won’t have the looks of Katie Holmes). Be careful not to move too fast or you may end up being made a fool of (meaning, years later idiot bloggers will still be making fun of you for it).

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Someone’s going to attempt to pull the wool over your eyes in an attempt to get you naked. Hey, ignorance is bliss!