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Your Weekly Horoscopes – Haiku Edition: May 18th, 2015

May 18, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
They say they’re single.
Who are you to believe them?
Truth eludes us all.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you make new friends,
Don’t tell them you like sploshing . . .
Until you know them.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Stubborness ain’t cool
In the romance department.
You must give to get.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You may be horny,
But you’ve got to keep it real.
One-night stands suck hard.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Organized events
Are sexier than you think.
Get involved; get laid.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Much like a haiku,
Give little away with words.
Mystery is rad.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Friends make good lovers.
Well, not all friends qualify.
Proceed with caution.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Like a leaf falling,
Go your own unique way down,
Others will follow.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’re a smarty-pants.
Hot-pants likes your tarty rants.
Don’t forget condoms.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If you want to charm,
Do not try to disarm them
With your machismo.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Ready, set, go, dude!
Someone special — or butt plugs —
Are at the finish.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Opportunity
Is knocking on your front door.
Open it slowly.

 

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Your Weekly Horos: May 11th, 2015

May 11, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Got any overly cautious friends in the house? If so, this might be a good week to seek advice from them on how not to rush into things with a certain someone. Perhaps their instinct to be practical and careful, to always take things slowly, will rub off on you. And that’s the only thing that should be rubbing off on you this week: Keep all zippers zipped, all flies flying high, all underwear on, and all trays in their upright and locked positions. If you can’t stand the heat, then go rub one out in the kitchen. Just remember to close the blinds first.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Wow, you really carry around a lot of guilt, huh? It’s okay, you can take the cookie, it’s yours. Have another! What the hell, eat the whole pack, there’s plenty more where they came from. (Idiots’ guide: Cookie = piece o’ ass.) This is your free advance-to-booty pass, good for one week only. But remember, if you make a habit of this kind of gluttonous behavior, you will pay. And who wants a flabby soul?

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t use the word “love” unless you mean it. Even if you think you mean it right now, you probably don’t.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You often hear how you should really take the time to focus on you. Well, don’t. Not this week, at least. Your little love/sex disappointments pale in comparison to the world’s real problems. Got clean drinking water? Still have your clitoris intact? Allowed to vote democratically? Good. Now stop your whining about how you can’t get a date/can’t have an intercourse orgasm/haven’t found the One and be grateful for all you do have.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Beware of the green-eyed monster: it’s hiding under your bed, just waiting to ruin your sex life this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Don’t be so hard on someone who is trying to attract your attention. That mild social awkwardness and funny twitchy thing they’re doing with their eye isn’t a permanent state of affairs but simply a series of nervous tics induced by your utter coolness. Would it hurt you to give them the time of day? A word or two of kindness and you might see all that nervousness dissipate, and then you might even realize that without the lazy eye and the nervous throat noises, they’re kinda hot.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Birds are singing, the sun is shining. Everything’s coming up roses. Love is in the air. Happy days are here again. So don’t fuck things up with your big mouth.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Oh, Scorpio. Dear, dear Scorpio. It’s people like you and weeks like this that made the Beatles write that damn song, “Can’t Buy Me Love.”

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Stand up and be counted and you will appeal to lots of potential partners who are in the crowd. Your strength to speak out for what you believe in will prompt someone to ask you out. Of course, if you’re only going to espouse Rick Santorum’s party line, then we recommend sitting your ass down and shutting your pie hole for the sake of your sex life.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Lo’s high school “sex” ed teacher was quite a meanie with no sense of humor and an iron fist. Her face was screwed up tight in a way that suggested years of sexual frustration. Not surprisingly, no sage sex advice was ever offered. However, she did say one good thing about relationships: “You shouldn’t marry someone for their potential.” That’s the only kernel of goodness that ever came out of that lady (though what it has to do with sexual education, we’ll never know). If she were here today, she’d say the same thing about you and dating.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We know you’re hungry for a little somethin-somethin, but the only thing you’re gonna be fed this week is lines. Don’t bite. At least, not until you’ve taken your Pepcid AC, specially formulated for the love sick.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Persistence is a tricky thing. Sometimes it can set you apart from the pack, express your drive and passion, and land you your dream (blow) job. Other times, it can make you seem annoying and desperate. This week, on you, it’ll seem desperate and annoying. Sorry.

 

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: May 4th, 2015

May 4, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This week, be the bottom.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re one of those incredibly successful multi-taskers who has a full-time job, writes at least one novel a year (several of which are available on Amazon), volunteers at the old folks’ home, occasionally retreats to the woods for spiritual enlightenment and a landscape oil painting class, and never has to wipe their ass more than three times. This week, not only will you cure some disease, but in your “spare time” you’ll meet someone with real potential. We’re trying real hard to be happy for you.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Scientists have proven that for every hundred instances of casual sex, the “casual” aspect is actually mutual only once or twice. The odds are against you, and this week, they finally catch up to you. Unless you catch this horoscope in the nick of time (say, before Wednesday) and have the presence of mind to take a cold shower and ward off an unwelcome devotee at the pass.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Your quick response to others and your opportunistic approach to life will attract just the type of partner you want this week. It’s kind of like high school all over again, but not so much fun. You’ll make fun of the kid with the limp and everyone will just roar with laughter, especially that hottie in the corner. You’ll break out your impression of the guy with the accent who works at the deli and everyone will think you’re sooooo funny, especially that hottie in the corner. You’ll poke fun at our outfits in a dry, almost self-deprecating manner and they’ll be talking for years about your sophisticated wit, and how everyone knew at just that moment that you and the hottie in the corner were meant for each other. Don’t bother inviting us to the wedding.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You’re unsure about love,
So don’t be a big fat stupid head by leading someone on.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will find it difficult to hide your true feelings. You’ll be passionate, warm, and affectionate in your gestures, and this will incur “interesting” responses. Especially if all this “warmth” and “affection” is being displayed on a second date. And you’re a chick. And your date is a dude. Don’t make any sudden moves unless you’re prepared to see a grown man squeal like a little piggie on the way to market.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Cheaters never win and winners never cheat. Don’t be a big fat loser this week.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
This is a good week to interact with your luvva (as opposed to all those weeks when it’s best to ignore them and take them for granted). Get out, pleasure seek, romance the stone — together. You know, go check into a cheap motel on the interstate for a couple of hours some night this week.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
With the constant ebb and flow of the tide, the shoreline is ever-changing. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. Deal with it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We hope it doesn’t rain too much in your hometown this week, ’cause you’re only going to get lucky outdoors.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If you’re looking for someone who is dedicated, loyal, and ready for a relationship, you should attend some of the worthy activities going on in your local community. Hell, even a book-signing will do, as long as it’s not the Heaven Is For Real book. But if you’re looking for someone who is conniving, backstabbing, and emotionally unavailable, then take your pick from any of the losers hanging out at your local bar.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Do that extra body shot, be the first on the dance floor, be the last to go home, let your hair down, and your pants, too, should the mood strike — public impersonations of the psycho in Silence of the Lambs are making a comeback.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: Sexual Positions Edition

April 27, 2015

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Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Keeping up with the Joneses in bed is a terrible idea. But every now and then it’s fun to be totally immature. Try out the wackiest position you can think of (the Wheelbarrow? the Spork?) and then brag about it to all your friends.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We’ve often said that the 69 is kind of like communism: great in theory, but kind of disappointing in practice. Our prejudices notwithstanding, this week you should make like Marx and give the 69 a try — you and your partner may be just the shiny new face this maligned position has been waiting for.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The missionary position is not just for teary, face-holding, baby-making sex. Sometimes it’s just a nice way to connect with your partner after a rough day at the office.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Sex is not a competition and it’s not a reality television show. But sometimes feeling like a winner in bed gives your sex life a pleasant boost. Conquering standing up sex is one way to do this.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve been getting lazy about foreplay lately. Sure, it’s great when you know each other so well that you can just jump right in. But this week, start things up in the shower (perfect for foreplay and oral; mostly a terrible idea for intercourse) and towel off when you’re ready to turn it up to eleven.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It’s really hard to commit to that kinky Santorum-Palin roleplaying scenario if you’re gently making love in the spoon position. We recommend doggie style.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Two words for you: chair sex.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Some people trade class rings. Others meet the parents. Still others merge bank accounts. And then there are those few braves souls who toss each other’s salads.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This is a good week to make changes in the way you relate to your partner. But it’s not always that easy to just stop nagging, or start trusting, or learn to compromise, or stand up for yourself. Try making a little change in the bedroom, first, and see if it inspires change outside the bedroom. If you’re usually on the bottom, hop on top, pop — and vice versa.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Talk is cheap. Unreciprocated oral is priceless.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Having a baby is a terrible way to save a marriage, and having a three-way is a terrible way to save a relationship. But having a three-way is an excellent way to cheer yourself up after a breakup. (Less hardcore version: Just fantasize about one. Hello, Ryan Gosling and Jessica Chastain.)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Did you know that yoga can help you climax? If downward dog doesn’t do it for you, try the kneeling lotus position instead (er, after class, that is).

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: April 20th, 2015

April 20, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’re living Les Liaisons Dangereuse this week. You are Madame de Tourvel (or Michelle Pfeiffer, for those of who prefer your literary classics in easily digestible movie form) and your wooer is Vicomte de Valmont (John Malkovich) — devastatingly romantic and heartbreaking on the surface, but manipulative and cynical underneath. Beware of love letters, especially those written on parchment with feather quills (or sent via online dating sites).

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Will you lighten up already? It’s the brink of summer, dude! Drink a tall one, veg in the sunshine, drive with the windows open. You know: Go nuts. Because it’s your subtle yet distinct nutty side that is going to attract someone interesting this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Your involvement in a worthy cause will impress someone this week. And no, a Bachelor viewing party doesn’t count as a cause. It’s time to get involved where it really counts — citizen-arrest anyone you see smoking in a no smoking zone, help little old ladies across the street, give a penny instead of taking a penny. By the time anyone realizes you’re only in it for the booty, they’ll have already fallen prey to your charms and won’t give a damn about anything except the booty either.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Today’s horoscope is sponsored by the letter “M. ” Mingle and maybe you’ll meet someone who’ll make you feel like a million bucks. Mistrust us, and you’ll end up masturbating with a mitten. Don’t make that mistake.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Rome wasn’t built in a day, as they like to say. (Who the hell is “they,” that’s what we’d like to know. ) Plus, a rolling stone gathers no moss. Oh yeah, and a stitch in time saves nine. More haste, less speed, that’s what we’ve always said. But back to the Rome thing: If you’re looking for a relationship that’s more Roman-Empire and less Lost-City-of-Atlantis, you’ve got to take it slow. Not so much physically (hey, we may have our head in the stars, but we do know a thing or two about a thing or two) as emotionally. If you can avoid the TMI syndrome for the first few weeks, you may have yourself a keeper.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ve got more pep than a Mountain Dew commercial, and this week, everyone’s going to want to do the Dew. If you’re going to share your soda with one of those people, choose wisely and don’t forget to use a straw, if you know what we mean. (Yes, we’re talking about protection.)

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
What can we say? It sucks to be you this week. You might as well not even bother getting out of bed, at least not for any dates or romantic outings, because you’re going to be an emotional wreck. It’s like you’re popping Midol, except instead of relieving you of your symptoms it only exacerbates them. So don’t make any big decisions or do any heavy lifting.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Not that you ever wait for our encouragement or permission to do so, but this week we strongly suggest opening your big mouth (and no, not for that purpose, you dirty twin). Speak your mind, and you’re 98.7 percent guaranteed to get the response you’re looking for. (The 1.3 percent margin of error is due to the admittedly low likelihood of a bad hair day.)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, if you act like the boss then you’ll get the say-so. Don’t be a wussy who’s “just happy to be friends. ” You don’t need any more friends, you need to get laid! So gird your loins, down a shot, and go in for the kill, tiger.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ve got more choices in potential partners than a pornstar at a volunteer marathon gang bang. But we recommend choosing just one — count ‘em, one — wisely. It could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Plus, it’s easier on the orifices.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You should be open and receptive to being hit on this week. We know what you’re thinking: “Yeah right, it’s not like I spend every weekend thinking, Oh god, I hope that hottie doesn’t ask me for my number/to dance/to dine at Jamie Oliver’s new restaurant.” But perhaps there are ways in which you unintentionally make yourself less open/receptive to advances. We can’t really think of any right now, but maybe you can.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You will be full of heady, romantic ideas and ready to do whatever it takes to win over the object of your affection this week (including performing a duet with Times Square’s Naked Cowboy clad only in boots and a ten-gallon hat). According to the stars, your persistence and determination will lead to “a very interesting relationship. ” Which might be a good thing, or might just be. . . interesting.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: April 13th, 2015

April 13, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
The time is perfect to fall in love. All you need is a spunky Gemini or Leo or Aquarius. Oh sure, just go to the corner store and pick one up. They’re on sale, conveniently lined up on the shelf in alphabetical order. Right next to world peace and those cute little flying pigs.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re so fucking hot. And vice versa. So break out the body glitter, crank the tunes, shake your booty, and enjoy it all (and we mean everything) this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Your insightful outlook will attract all sorts of interesting people. Suckers!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Talk talk talk. Blah blah blah. Doesn’t anybody have sex anymore? Don’t wait too long to broach the sex issue in a relationship, otherwise you could be consigned to Just-a-Friend status for good.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Be open to new experiences and give strangers a chance. Today’s acquaintance wielding an oddly-shaped vegetable may be tomorrow’s partner in exploring a new sexual orifice.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
How does that old Eurythmics song “Sweet Dreams” go? “Some of them want to use you / Some of them want to get used by you . . . ” When it comes to fulfilling your insatiable sex drive (it’s Nympho Week for you) there’s a fine line between using them and feeling used by them. If you walk the line carefully, everyone will get theirs, no one will feel used and it’ll be just like the Eurythmics never broke up and the ’80s never ended. move.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It looks like a checkers board, but maybe your partner wants to play chess? Maybe they don’t even like board games. The only way to find out is to let them make the first move.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Do you know why mass-market consulting firms make so much money? It’s because they have the benefit of mass-experience, thus they don’t have to create a custom solution for each company they consult. Rather, they draw on their pool of generalized solutions and tinker with the one that’s the closest fit until they hit pay dirt. Well, maybe that’s not exactly how the consulting world works, but for the sake of a succinct analogy, let’s pretend it does, okay? We don’t want to promote a mass-market approach to the pick-up scene, but if you’re having trouble acquiring your, uh, market share, get a little business-like about the whole thing, draw on your own pool of solutions (or ask your friends about theirs) and tinker until you find something that works. (Is it just us, or does “tinker” sound dirty all of a sudden?)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Okay, we know if we say “See Virgo,” you’ll feel gipped. You want your own special, personalized horoscope. That’s understandable, because you are special. But sometimes, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander (whatever that means). And sometimes, different star signs end up getting their stars crossed, resulting in very, very similar love and sex advice. So if you know what’s good for you, you’ll read “Virgo” and like it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Persistence will lead to pushiness. Pushiness will lead to loneliness. Loneliness will lead to porn. Porn will lead to more porn. More porn will lead to really bad porn. Really bad porn will lead to a warped and selfish sense of sexuality. A warped and selfish sense of sexuality will lead to an inability to maintain relationships. An inability to maintain relationships will lead to an unhappy, meaningless existence. So don’t be persistent this week and you’ll live happily ever after.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Put old lovers out of your mind and move onto bigger and better things. If the new things aren’t bigger and better, lie and tell your old lovers that they are anyway.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Remember when we thought that George Michael was straight? Remember when we thought Andrew Ridgely had talent? Yeah, well, things aren’t always what they seem.

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Your Haiku Horoscopes: April 6th, 2015

April 6, 2015

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
I eat an apple.
Outside it’s red, inside brown.
Next time, banana.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t sell yourself short.
You’ve got so much to offer.
And you’re very tall.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
They say “When pigs fly.”
So throw Porky off the bridge
And then you’ll get some.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Let’s get physical
Sang Olivia Newton.
Don’t listen to her!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don’t get into a
Trivial argument. Play
Trivial Pursuits.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
So many fishes.
Which one deserves mouth-to-mouth?
Reel only ONE in.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Be a social whore.
Parties will lead to booty.
Nights with Netflix won’t.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
There is a reason
Why Clue is a great board game.
Maintain mystery.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Today is the day.
Like a horny toad jumping,
go get your freak on.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Anger Management
is a terrible movie.
But a worthwhile move.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t be so picky.
They even find your toots cute.
Not a bad deal, dude.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Share your moodiness.
Sometimes you feel like a “nut,”
and sometimes you don’t.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: March 30th, 2015

March 30, 2015

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This week, your sex drive and your sexual opportunties will be completely in sync. Don’t you just love it when that happens?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you can share your intellectual dreams with someone, they may be The One. If you can only bear to talk to them for more than an hour at a time, they might do nicely for a spring fling.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Put on the full-body armor: Someone is about to take you for a ride and then throw you out to the sidewalk without slowing down.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The spotlight will flatter you this week, so do whatever it takes to get into it. (Doing “The Tuck” à la The Silence of the Lambs at parties does not count.)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
I can’t hear you! Na na na na na na! I’m not listening! . . . Get used to it: You’re going to be hearing that a lot this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
One of your friends is teetering on the more-than-friends line. One little breeze and it’ll be all over — you’ll have a low-grade stalker on your hands. Don’t fall for the attention.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
If there was a recommended daily allowance of sexual energy, then you’d be eating fifteen bowls a day of Booty Flakes this week. Don’t O.D.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Commitment is catching up to you fast. Put on your running shoes if you don’t want to get bit in the ass (though ass-biting is an oft underrated pleasure).

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You may feel like you have more than enough lovin’ to go around, but your partners won’t always agree. Make sure everyone’s in the loop before you start being an oversharer.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Finally! This week you’ll actually make a mental connection with someone you’re getting busy with. So you might want to stick around for cuddle time for a change.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’ll be in the driver’s seat all week. And you may well receive head from the hottie in the passenger seat. Sometimes, life’s just that simple.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Confucious say, He who talks too much eats shoe before too long.

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Your (Hamlet) Horoscopes: March 23rd, 2015

March 23, 2015

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photo via Flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
“To the noble mind / Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind. ” (III, i)

(Your actions are in the right place but your motives may not be.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
“Come, give us a taste of your quality.” (II, ii)

(You’re hot, you’re charming, you’re hard to resist. Get out and strut your stuff.)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
“I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; / God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another.” (III, i)

(Don’t be fooled by someone who has a way with words.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)

“This is the very ecstasy of love.” (II, i)

(You’ll find yourself in seventh heaven this week. It’s time to fulfill your fantasies.)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
“All is not well; / I doubt some foul play. ” (I, ii)

(Someone may be messing with your heart or mind).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
“Doubt thou the stars are fire; / Doubt that the sun doth move; / Doubt truth to be a liar; / But never doubt I love.” (II, ii)

(You’ll capture anyone you talk to this week. )

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
“Give it an understanding, but no tongue.” (I, ii)

(Concentrate on making love, not talking about it.)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
“Season your admiration for a while.” (I, ii)

(Just get out there and have some fun. Stop putting pressure on yourself to be in a relationship. Let love come to you.)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
“Beware/ Of entrance to a quarrel, but, being in, / Bear ‘t that th’ opposed may beware of thee. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice; / Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgement.” (I, iii)

(You’ll feel torn between the choices you have regarding relationships. Slow down, be honest and don’t feel that you have to make up your mind because someone is demanding a commitment. Back away from idle threats.)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
“Get thee to a nunnery.” (III, i)

(You’ll have too many temptations this week.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, / Than are dreamt up in your philosophy.” (I, v)

(Love may not be where you expect, what you expect or who you expect.)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
“Assume a virtue if you have it not. ” (III, iv)

(Be your best self if you want to hook up.)

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: March 16th, 2015

March 16, 2015

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Be as stealthy as Frank Underwood in your pursuit of love (only more ethical): Don’t just ask them straight out and give them a chance to say no. Instead, focus on becoming their friend so they don’t even realize they’re falling for you until it’s too late. And hey, if our cunning plan doesn’t work, at least we saved you from the sting of rejection.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
No couch potato-ing it this week. Get off your bum and shake that ass. Think about sex globally, act locally. The more situations you put yourself in where you could accidentally bump into someone now, the more likely you are to bump uglies later.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Discretion is the better part of valor. We never quite understood the meaning of that old adage, but we’re guessing it has something to do with keeping your mouth shut. The gentlemen or lady understands that there are sometimes occasions when omission of the cold, harsh truth is apropos. (Such as, “Wow, that story you just told me about how you’re insecure about your oral sex abilities reminds me of this amazing head I once received from a hot eighteen year old who had never done it before!”) Don’t think of it as “lying”; think of it as “listening.”

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you want to play games this week, stick to Scrabble and Clue. Mind games won’t get you laid — honesty and persistence will. And maybe Twister.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Your romantic interests this week are like a box of chocolate-covered donuts. They’re so tempting, so decadent, so sinful, so scrumptious. Their sweet smell lures you in. You touch them ever so gently — oooh, so soft. Bring them to your lips — they practically melt in your mouth. But after eating them up, you feel guilty, dirty, unclean even. They sit in a heavy, rotting lump in the pit of your stomach. So go easy on the donuts this week, don’t bite off more than you can chew, and limit your intake to one every few days. Dunkin Donuts coffee is, however, acceptable (screw Starbucks, that DD stuff is good, man).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Everyone wants to be on your team this week. And even better than that, they all love you for you, just the way you are. Well, at the very least they all want to get into your pants rather than your pocketbook. Which is always nice, right? Don’t worry about your reputation if you feel like engaging in a little groupie sex — the ones you do pick will be so blissed out, they won’t even remember their own name, and the ones you don’t pick will be too busy mending their broken hearts to call you “slut. ” But what the heck, we’ll say it: Slut! And that’s a compliment where we come from.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Your timing’s all off. Or maybe it’s the person you’re kind of sweet on whose schedule is all out of whack. Well, someone’s got the timing of a joke told by Bob Saget on “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” Just be patient and understanding when the forces that be keep you two from making America’s dirtiest home videos this week.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can’t solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it’s just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial.) But anyway, you’re too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it’s twice the therapy and doesn’t leave scars or rot your teeth.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, it’s like you’ve got a flashing red neon sign around your neck that reads “I love you” or at least “I’ll fuck you” — whichever is more of a sexual turn-on to those jamming on your groove. Brace yourself for the action that’s coming your way, cause it won’t all be good: Imagine a defensive lineman from the Chicago Bears in full gear running your way at full speed with a bouquet of roses. It’s okay with us if you choose to run.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Did you know that sometimes the two of us test out new vibrators on each other when we don’t have our guys around to product-test with? Did you also know that there are little fairies living in our refrigerators who sprinkle star dust on our tofu and that’s how we get all our horoscope information? . . . Don’t be such a sucker, especially this week, because someone you like is going to try to make an ass out of you. Why do you even like them? They sound like a jerk.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Attend a charity event, volunteer in your community, go to a political rally, tell a stranger they’ve got TP stuck to their shoe — do anything you consider socially valuable. You’re supposed to fall in love with someone while you save the world. If you don’t get love, at least you’ll have given some. And you can pretend that’s all that really matters.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You can’t hide this feeling anymore. You’ve forgotten what you started fighting for. All you know is, spring is here and you want to get l-a-i-d. Don’t hide your burning flames of lust under a jar (how does that metaphor go again?) — your uncorkable horniness will be exactly what attracts the hotties this week.

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