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Your Weekly Horoscopes: Sexual Positions Edition

April 27, 2015

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Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Keeping up with the Joneses in bed is a terrible idea. But every now and then it’s fun to be totally immature. Try out the wackiest position you can think of (the Wheelbarrow? the Spork?) and then brag about it to all your friends.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We’ve often said that the 69 is kind of like communism: great in theory, but kind of disappointing in practice. Our prejudices notwithstanding, this week you should make like Marx and give the 69 a try — you and your partner may be just the shiny new face this maligned position has been waiting for.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The missionary position is not just for teary, face-holding, baby-making sex. Sometimes it’s just a nice way to connect with your partner after a rough day at the office.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Sex is not a competition and it’s not a reality television show. But sometimes feeling like a winner in bed gives your sex life a pleasant boost. Conquering standing up sex is one way to do this.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve been getting lazy about foreplay lately. Sure, it’s great when you know each other so well that you can just jump right in. But this week, start things up in the shower (perfect for foreplay and oral; mostly a terrible idea for intercourse) and towel off when you’re ready to turn it up to eleven.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It’s really hard to commit to that kinky Santorum-Palin roleplaying scenario if you’re gently making love in the spoon position. We recommend doggie style.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Two words for you: chair sex.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Some people trade class rings. Others meet the parents. Still others merge bank accounts. And then there are those few braves souls who toss each other’s salads.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This is a good week to make changes in the way you relate to your partner. But it’s not always that easy to just stop nagging, or start trusting, or learn to compromise, or stand up for yourself. Try making a little change in the bedroom, first, and see if it inspires change outside the bedroom. If you’re usually on the bottom, hop on top, pop — and vice versa.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Talk is cheap. Unreciprocated oral is priceless.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Having a baby is a terrible way to save a marriage, and having a three-way is a terrible way to save a relationship. But having a three-way is an excellent way to cheer yourself up after a breakup. (Less hardcore version: Just fantasize about one. Hello, Ryan Gosling and Jessica Chastain.)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Did you know that yoga can help you climax? If downward dog doesn’t do it for you, try the kneeling lotus position instead (er, after class, that is).

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: April 20th, 2015

April 20, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’re living Les Liaisons Dangereuse this week. You are Madame de Tourvel (or Michelle Pfeiffer, for those of who prefer your literary classics in easily digestible movie form) and your wooer is Vicomte de Valmont (John Malkovich) — devastatingly romantic and heartbreaking on the surface, but manipulative and cynical underneath. Beware of love letters, especially those written on parchment with feather quills (or sent via online dating sites).

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Will you lighten up already? It’s the brink of summer, dude! Drink a tall one, veg in the sunshine, drive with the windows open. You know: Go nuts. Because it’s your subtle yet distinct nutty side that is going to attract someone interesting this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Your involvement in a worthy cause will impress someone this week. And no, a Bachelor viewing party doesn’t count as a cause. It’s time to get involved where it really counts — citizen-arrest anyone you see smoking in a no smoking zone, help little old ladies across the street, give a penny instead of taking a penny. By the time anyone realizes you’re only in it for the booty, they’ll have already fallen prey to your charms and won’t give a damn about anything except the booty either.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Today’s horoscope is sponsored by the letter “M. ” Mingle and maybe you’ll meet someone who’ll make you feel like a million bucks. Mistrust us, and you’ll end up masturbating with a mitten. Don’t make that mistake.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Rome wasn’t built in a day, as they like to say. (Who the hell is “they,” that’s what we’d like to know. ) Plus, a rolling stone gathers no moss. Oh yeah, and a stitch in time saves nine. More haste, less speed, that’s what we’ve always said. But back to the Rome thing: If you’re looking for a relationship that’s more Roman-Empire and less Lost-City-of-Atlantis, you’ve got to take it slow. Not so much physically (hey, we may have our head in the stars, but we do know a thing or two about a thing or two) as emotionally. If you can avoid the TMI syndrome for the first few weeks, you may have yourself a keeper.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ve got more pep than a Mountain Dew commercial, and this week, everyone’s going to want to do the Dew. If you’re going to share your soda with one of those people, choose wisely and don’t forget to use a straw, if you know what we mean. (Yes, we’re talking about protection.)

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
What can we say? It sucks to be you this week. You might as well not even bother getting out of bed, at least not for any dates or romantic outings, because you’re going to be an emotional wreck. It’s like you’re popping Midol, except instead of relieving you of your symptoms it only exacerbates them. So don’t make any big decisions or do any heavy lifting.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Not that you ever wait for our encouragement or permission to do so, but this week we strongly suggest opening your big mouth (and no, not for that purpose, you dirty twin). Speak your mind, and you’re 98.7 percent guaranteed to get the response you’re looking for. (The 1.3 percent margin of error is due to the admittedly low likelihood of a bad hair day.)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, if you act like the boss then you’ll get the say-so. Don’t be a wussy who’s “just happy to be friends. ” You don’t need any more friends, you need to get laid! So gird your loins, down a shot, and go in for the kill, tiger.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ve got more choices in potential partners than a pornstar at a volunteer marathon gang bang. But we recommend choosing just one — count ‘em, one — wisely. It could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Plus, it’s easier on the orifices.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You should be open and receptive to being hit on this week. We know what you’re thinking: “Yeah right, it’s not like I spend every weekend thinking, Oh god, I hope that hottie doesn’t ask me for my number/to dance/to dine at Jamie Oliver’s new restaurant.” But perhaps there are ways in which you unintentionally make yourself less open/receptive to advances. We can’t really think of any right now, but maybe you can.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You will be full of heady, romantic ideas and ready to do whatever it takes to win over the object of your affection this week (including performing a duet with Times Square’s Naked Cowboy clad only in boots and a ten-gallon hat). According to the stars, your persistence and determination will lead to “a very interesting relationship. ” Which might be a good thing, or might just be. . . interesting.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: April 13th, 2015

April 13, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
The time is perfect to fall in love. All you need is a spunky Gemini or Leo or Aquarius. Oh sure, just go to the corner store and pick one up. They’re on sale, conveniently lined up on the shelf in alphabetical order. Right next to world peace and those cute little flying pigs.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re so fucking hot. And vice versa. So break out the body glitter, crank the tunes, shake your booty, and enjoy it all (and we mean everything) this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Your insightful outlook will attract all sorts of interesting people. Suckers!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Talk talk talk. Blah blah blah. Doesn’t anybody have sex anymore? Don’t wait too long to broach the sex issue in a relationship, otherwise you could be consigned to Just-a-Friend status for good.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Be open to new experiences and give strangers a chance. Today’s acquaintance wielding an oddly-shaped vegetable may be tomorrow’s partner in exploring a new sexual orifice.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
How does that old Eurythmics song “Sweet Dreams” go? “Some of them want to use you / Some of them want to get used by you . . . ” When it comes to fulfilling your insatiable sex drive (it’s Nympho Week for you) there’s a fine line between using them and feeling used by them. If you walk the line carefully, everyone will get theirs, no one will feel used and it’ll be just like the Eurythmics never broke up and the ’80s never ended. move.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It looks like a checkers board, but maybe your partner wants to play chess? Maybe they don’t even like board games. The only way to find out is to let them make the first move.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Do you know why mass-market consulting firms make so much money? It’s because they have the benefit of mass-experience, thus they don’t have to create a custom solution for each company they consult. Rather, they draw on their pool of generalized solutions and tinker with the one that’s the closest fit until they hit pay dirt. Well, maybe that’s not exactly how the consulting world works, but for the sake of a succinct analogy, let’s pretend it does, okay? We don’t want to promote a mass-market approach to the pick-up scene, but if you’re having trouble acquiring your, uh, market share, get a little business-like about the whole thing, draw on your own pool of solutions (or ask your friends about theirs) and tinker until you find something that works. (Is it just us, or does “tinker” sound dirty all of a sudden?)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Okay, we know if we say “See Virgo,” you’ll feel gipped. You want your own special, personalized horoscope. That’s understandable, because you are special. But sometimes, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander (whatever that means). And sometimes, different star signs end up getting their stars crossed, resulting in very, very similar love and sex advice. So if you know what’s good for you, you’ll read “Virgo” and like it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Persistence will lead to pushiness. Pushiness will lead to loneliness. Loneliness will lead to porn. Porn will lead to more porn. More porn will lead to really bad porn. Really bad porn will lead to a warped and selfish sense of sexuality. A warped and selfish sense of sexuality will lead to an inability to maintain relationships. An inability to maintain relationships will lead to an unhappy, meaningless existence. So don’t be persistent this week and you’ll live happily ever after.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Put old lovers out of your mind and move onto bigger and better things. If the new things aren’t bigger and better, lie and tell your old lovers that they are anyway.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Remember when we thought that George Michael was straight? Remember when we thought Andrew Ridgely had talent? Yeah, well, things aren’t always what they seem.

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Your Haiku Horoscopes: April 6th, 2015

April 6, 2015

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
I eat an apple.
Outside it’s red, inside brown.
Next time, banana.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t sell yourself short.
You’ve got so much to offer.
And you’re very tall.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
They say “When pigs fly.”
So throw Porky off the bridge
And then you’ll get some.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Let’s get physical
Sang Olivia Newton.
Don’t listen to her!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don’t get into a
Trivial argument. Play
Trivial Pursuits.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
So many fishes.
Which one deserves mouth-to-mouth?
Reel only ONE in.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Be a social whore.
Parties will lead to booty.
Nights with Netflix won’t.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
There is a reason
Why Clue is a great board game.
Maintain mystery.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Today is the day.
Like a horny toad jumping,
go get your freak on.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Anger Management
is a terrible movie.
But a worthwhile move.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t be so picky.
They even find your toots cute.
Not a bad deal, dude.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Share your moodiness.
Sometimes you feel like a “nut,”
and sometimes you don’t.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: March 30th, 2015

March 30, 2015

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This week, your sex drive and your sexual opportunties will be completely in sync. Don’t you just love it when that happens?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you can share your intellectual dreams with someone, they may be The One. If you can only bear to talk to them for more than an hour at a time, they might do nicely for a spring fling.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Put on the full-body armor: Someone is about to take you for a ride and then throw you out to the sidewalk without slowing down.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The spotlight will flatter you this week, so do whatever it takes to get into it. (Doing “The Tuck” à la The Silence of the Lambs at parties does not count.)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
I can’t hear you! Na na na na na na! I’m not listening! . . . Get used to it: You’re going to be hearing that a lot this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
One of your friends is teetering on the more-than-friends line. One little breeze and it’ll be all over — you’ll have a low-grade stalker on your hands. Don’t fall for the attention.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
If there was a recommended daily allowance of sexual energy, then you’d be eating fifteen bowls a day of Booty Flakes this week. Don’t O.D.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Commitment is catching up to you fast. Put on your running shoes if you don’t want to get bit in the ass (though ass-biting is an oft underrated pleasure).

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You may feel like you have more than enough lovin’ to go around, but your partners won’t always agree. Make sure everyone’s in the loop before you start being an oversharer.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Finally! This week you’ll actually make a mental connection with someone you’re getting busy with. So you might want to stick around for cuddle time for a change.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’ll be in the driver’s seat all week. And you may well receive head from the hottie in the passenger seat. Sometimes, life’s just that simple.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Confucious say, He who talks too much eats shoe before too long.

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Your (Hamlet) Horoscopes: March 23rd, 2015

March 23, 2015

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photo via Flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
“To the noble mind / Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind. ” (III, i)

(Your actions are in the right place but your motives may not be.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
“Come, give us a taste of your quality.” (II, ii)

(You’re hot, you’re charming, you’re hard to resist. Get out and strut your stuff.)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
“I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; / God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another.” (III, i)

(Don’t be fooled by someone who has a way with words.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)

“This is the very ecstasy of love.” (II, i)

(You’ll find yourself in seventh heaven this week. It’s time to fulfill your fantasies.)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
“All is not well; / I doubt some foul play. ” (I, ii)

(Someone may be messing with your heart or mind).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
“Doubt thou the stars are fire; / Doubt that the sun doth move; / Doubt truth to be a liar; / But never doubt I love.” (II, ii)

(You’ll capture anyone you talk to this week. )

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
“Give it an understanding, but no tongue.” (I, ii)

(Concentrate on making love, not talking about it.)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
“Season your admiration for a while.” (I, ii)

(Just get out there and have some fun. Stop putting pressure on yourself to be in a relationship. Let love come to you.)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
“Beware/ Of entrance to a quarrel, but, being in, / Bear ‘t that th’ opposed may beware of thee. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice; / Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgement.” (I, iii)

(You’ll feel torn between the choices you have regarding relationships. Slow down, be honest and don’t feel that you have to make up your mind because someone is demanding a commitment. Back away from idle threats.)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
“Get thee to a nunnery.” (III, i)

(You’ll have too many temptations this week.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, / Than are dreamt up in your philosophy.” (I, v)

(Love may not be where you expect, what you expect or who you expect.)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
“Assume a virtue if you have it not. ” (III, iv)

(Be your best self if you want to hook up.)

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: March 16th, 2015

March 16, 2015

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Be as stealthy as Frank Underwood in your pursuit of love (only more ethical): Don’t just ask them straight out and give them a chance to say no. Instead, focus on becoming their friend so they don’t even realize they’re falling for you until it’s too late. And hey, if our cunning plan doesn’t work, at least we saved you from the sting of rejection.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
No couch potato-ing it this week. Get off your bum and shake that ass. Think about sex globally, act locally. The more situations you put yourself in where you could accidentally bump into someone now, the more likely you are to bump uglies later.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Discretion is the better part of valor. We never quite understood the meaning of that old adage, but we’re guessing it has something to do with keeping your mouth shut. The gentlemen or lady understands that there are sometimes occasions when omission of the cold, harsh truth is apropos. (Such as, “Wow, that story you just told me about how you’re insecure about your oral sex abilities reminds me of this amazing head I once received from a hot eighteen year old who had never done it before!”) Don’t think of it as “lying”; think of it as “listening.”

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you want to play games this week, stick to Scrabble and Clue. Mind games won’t get you laid — honesty and persistence will. And maybe Twister.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Your romantic interests this week are like a box of chocolate-covered donuts. They’re so tempting, so decadent, so sinful, so scrumptious. Their sweet smell lures you in. You touch them ever so gently — oooh, so soft. Bring them to your lips — they practically melt in your mouth. But after eating them up, you feel guilty, dirty, unclean even. They sit in a heavy, rotting lump in the pit of your stomach. So go easy on the donuts this week, don’t bite off more than you can chew, and limit your intake to one every few days. Dunkin Donuts coffee is, however, acceptable (screw Starbucks, that DD stuff is good, man).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Everyone wants to be on your team this week. And even better than that, they all love you for you, just the way you are. Well, at the very least they all want to get into your pants rather than your pocketbook. Which is always nice, right? Don’t worry about your reputation if you feel like engaging in a little groupie sex — the ones you do pick will be so blissed out, they won’t even remember their own name, and the ones you don’t pick will be too busy mending their broken hearts to call you “slut. ” But what the heck, we’ll say it: Slut! And that’s a compliment where we come from.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Your timing’s all off. Or maybe it’s the person you’re kind of sweet on whose schedule is all out of whack. Well, someone’s got the timing of a joke told by Bob Saget on “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” Just be patient and understanding when the forces that be keep you two from making America’s dirtiest home videos this week.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can’t solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it’s just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial.) But anyway, you’re too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it’s twice the therapy and doesn’t leave scars or rot your teeth.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, it’s like you’ve got a flashing red neon sign around your neck that reads “I love you” or at least “I’ll fuck you” — whichever is more of a sexual turn-on to those jamming on your groove. Brace yourself for the action that’s coming your way, cause it won’t all be good: Imagine a defensive lineman from the Chicago Bears in full gear running your way at full speed with a bouquet of roses. It’s okay with us if you choose to run.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Did you know that sometimes the two of us test out new vibrators on each other when we don’t have our guys around to product-test with? Did you also know that there are little fairies living in our refrigerators who sprinkle star dust on our tofu and that’s how we get all our horoscope information? . . . Don’t be such a sucker, especially this week, because someone you like is going to try to make an ass out of you. Why do you even like them? They sound like a jerk.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Attend a charity event, volunteer in your community, go to a political rally, tell a stranger they’ve got TP stuck to their shoe — do anything you consider socially valuable. You’re supposed to fall in love with someone while you save the world. If you don’t get love, at least you’ll have given some. And you can pretend that’s all that really matters.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You can’t hide this feeling anymore. You’ve forgotten what you started fighting for. All you know is, spring is here and you want to get l-a-i-d. Don’t hide your burning flames of lust under a jar (how does that metaphor go again?) — your uncorkable horniness will be exactly what attracts the hotties this week.

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St. Paddy’s Horoscopes for the Week of March 9th, 2015

March 9, 2015

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photo via Flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
The stars say that you’ll be “romantically challenged” this week. Jeez, when did they get so politically correct? What they mean to say is that you’ll be a dating dumbass all week, so just hang with your good buddies, drink like an Irish fish and avoid any and all romantic encounters for at least seven days. And that’s an order from the love doctors.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Sometimes we think the stars would rather be hosting a daytime talk show or writing self-help books with titles like “Who Moved My Constellation?” They’re always giving us messages in such platitudes! This week they’d like you to know that you have an unhealthy fear of intimacy and commitment. We’d like to add that you have a very heathly fear of green-food-dyed beer.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Nobody puts Baby in a corner. This week, a particularly annoying “nobody” will be pursuing you all the way into that corner. If you don’t want to get backed into a corner — i. e. if you want to avoid a sloppy drunken make-out sesh in a corner booth with annoying Traci/Tony from Accounts — then stay home and rent old Patrick Swayze flicks instead. Or if you need company, invite some close friends over (but no friends with benefits) for a night of whiskey and Irish ballad singing.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You will be a tad fickle this week. Boredom will set in if the people around you are not exciting and full of adventure. Focus on group endeavors so that you don’t have to be partnered off with anyone in particular. Like marching with the gay and lesbian group in your local St. Patrick’s Day parade, whether they’re “allowed” to or not. Political activism is the next best thing to nookie.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Doors are opening for you all over the place this week. Don’t blow it by having nothing planned — that’s the dating equivalent of leaving a fake dog turd on the doorstep, ringing the doorbell, and making a run for it. Here’s your heads-up: The question you ask will most likely receive an affirmative answer. So make sure you’re prepared with your follow-up to their big fat “yes. ” As in: “Wanna go out sometime?” “Yes!” “Cool, I’ve got front-row seats to Riverdance, wanna come?”

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Although you will attract a lot of attention this week (and not just because that green face paint you wore for St. Patrick’s Day didn’t turn out to be quite as “water-soluble” as the instructions claimed), you may not be all that excited about the source(s) of that attention. Well, maybe you should be just a little less superficial. Maybe you don’t look so hot either, what with that subtle green tinge to your skin. But your mother still loves you, and it certainly doesn’t affect your skills in the sack. So don’t judge a book by its cover, and don’t judge a hottie by their hairstyle, either. (Wait till you’ve been dating for a month and then work on their mullet.)

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Be nice to your neighbors. And by “neighbors,” we don’t mean humankind; seriously, be nice to the people who literally live nextdoor to you. Don’t come on too strong with your love interest — though we should say that as long as you’re not a stalker, there really is no such thing as “too strong” . . . it’s kind of like coffee that way. Do some volunteer work, or at least be charitable to the jerks you work with. Get some new hair product; the stuff you’re using isn’t doing your mane justice. Add fiber to your diet. Resist all impulses toward anything green this week: green eyeshadow, green-dyed food, the green-eyed monster.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ve got more going on this week than a James Joyce book. But rather than seeming like a thick, daunting tome that’s torture to get through, you read more like a nice, simple Yeats poem — lyrical but not too wordy, deep but not too hard to understand. People will want to be versed in your ways.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will find it easy to open up emotionally this week. You’ll talk about your feelings and what you are looking for in a relationship. The object of your affections is likely to be enamored with your honesty and openness. We know: We can’t believe it either. If you had asked us last week, we would have said you had a better chance of running into a leprechaun with a pot of gold than you did of exhibiting so much emotional maturity.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’re smooth and inviting, with a good head on your shoulders, just like a nice pint of Guinness. Quench the thirst of any partner you choose this week — because with your charm, it’ll be like everyone’s wearing beer goggles when they look at you, whether they’re sober or sloshed.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Your week will be practically perfect when it comes to love, like you’ve got a four-leaf clover stuck up your butt. You like someone and they like you back and the two of you will be all cuddly, making goo-goo eyes at each other. There may even be some baby talk involved. Now go away before you make us puke.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Be yourself. Go on: Wear that beret, do that little Irish jig (who cares if it’s Bon Jovi on the jukebox), admit that you never watched “The Wire” or “Breaking Bad” and don’t intend to. We guarantee that putting yourself on the line will make someone else feel better about themselves, even if they’re too shy to tell you just yet. And isn’t it enough just to know that? Oh, it’s not? Well this public display of embarrassing proclivities is also the foundation of something beautiful to come. And that’s all that we’re at liberty to say right now.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: March 2nd, 2015

March 2, 2015

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photo via flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Ask lots of questions this week to determine which hottie is best suited to fill your needs. Or should we say feel your “needs”?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The next time you’re in the presence of that special someone, stamp your left foot three times, cluck like a chicken and then turn around and give them a good moon. There’s no way they’ll be able to resist your charming and mysterious ways.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Someone you least expect may try to lead you in the wrong direction. Dig deep and find out all you can about a potential lover before you go any further. Feel free to sleep over (this will give you a chance to snoop in their medicine cabinet), but no hanky panky.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You can’t lose if you get out and mingle with interesting people this week. We’re not saying that you won’t put your foot in your mouth three or four times (if you’re not sure she’s pregnant, don’t ask when the baby is due), and we’re not saying that you’ll go home with a pocketful of phone numbers (one if you’re lucky), and we’re not saying that the DJ will play all the songs you request — especially if you keep requesting “Dancin’ on the Ceiling” at your local bar. However, overall, on the balance, you’ll come out ahead. We think it’s worth taking the chance and stepping outside.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Isn’t it always the way: you have a few drinks, meet someone with a sparkle in their eye, exchange a few meaningful life stories, find out all these things you have in common, take off each other’s clothes and look deep into each other’s eyes before passing out, only to wake up three hours later to realize that the sparkle was the way the light hit their glasses, that the only thing you have in common is a fondness for “House of Cards,” and that they apparently don’t wash very regularly. Occasionally, it works out and people end up getting married this way. But it’s rare. To be on the safe side, get to know new friends first, fondle them later.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Your horoscope says that you don’t have to end up alone if you don’t choose to. But that’s kakapootie. Sure, you can always be with someone, as long as standards aren’t an issue for you. (“No personality, no manners, no kissing skills, no permanent address? No problem!”) Let’s stick to the other part of your horoscope which says that if you just get out and do what you do best, you’ll be the center of attention. Now that’s a ‘scope we can get behind.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This is a pretty good week to meet someone at a work-related event. So dig deep for your last ounce of company morale and show up for that stupid capture-the-flag event your boss organized “to get everyone pumped.” Because who knows? Next week, you might be chased down by a coworker. Or, you could just get fired.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You will have a magnetic allure this week. Just be sure not to hang out next to your credit cards in case that magneticism rubs off.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Easy there, pardner, you’re frightening the horses. Your attempts to go from zero to intimacy in sixty seconds may seem to you like “enthusiasm” but to others it reeks of desperation. If you’re having trouble playing it cool, just imagine your date naked…uh…make that, pretend your date got a hold of some bad seafood and is now puking out your car window.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You may be desperate, but no one need know it but us. So go on that blind date your relative wants to set you up on and act like like it’s no big deal. We won’t tell anyone that this could be your last shot at true romantic happiness.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Don’t rule out spending some quality time with someone who interests you romantically. Likewise, don’t rule out spending some cold hard cash on someone who interests you romantically. If the witty repartee and fun dates don’t get you the results you want, the presents will.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
One of us (and we’ll never tell which) was a cheerleader in high school. It’s not a source of pride. Don’t make us relive those painful memories by having us metaphorically whip out the pom-poms and give you your own personal pep rally right here. Whatever it is you’ve been thinking about doing, just go for it! ‘Nuff said.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: February 23rd, 2015

February 23, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Alice wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary when she fell into Wonderland, and it was simply her curious nature that led her to follow the instructions “Eat me” and “Drink me” (either that or a heretofore undetected history of substance abuse). One might say you’re a sort of Alice — free-spirited, independent, tempestuous. Go along your merry way, and before you know it you’ll have Mad Hatters and Cheshire Cats inviting you over for tea. (Just avoid the little blue pills, if you know what we mean.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
People are strange, when you’re a stranger, faces look ugly, when you’re alone. Yeah, we know Jim Morrison died at twenty-seven, wrote god-awful poetry and had a tendency to pull out his penis on stage, but the man had a point: socializing can look strange and ugly from the outside. But some strangers have good candy, and some of them look as good in black leather as the Doors frontman. This week, approach the oddest ball in the room and befriend him/her. At the very least, you’ll get a one-night stand with a beautiful stranger.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Fire needs three elements to keep burning: heat, fuel and oxygen. (We can’t remember if we learned that from science class or The Towering Inferno, but we’re sure it’s true.) Let’s say that fire is a good relationship, and heat is passion, oxygen is compatibility and fuel is the work you put into it. Sometimes, it feels so damn hot that you’re sure there must be a fire somewhere. But then again, maybe it’s just global warming.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Let’s draw a chart. We’re mapping your fun level against the number of nights you hit the town with your friends. Do you see the trajectory? Do you observe how more nights out equals more fun for you? And do you see that “fun recession” in the middle there? That’s what happens when you try to go one-on-one with someone. Hold off on that for a while — your personal economy is not stable enough to bear this burden just yet.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
There’s nothing like a secret affair: the excitement, the danger, the whispers in the ear, the knowing glances, the late night calls, the waiting by the phone, the little white lies, the unplanned weekends, the last-minute cancellations, the bottled-up emotions, the distrust, the deception, the jealousy, the fighting, the yelling… On second thought, think twice.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You can wrangle your way into anyone’s heart faster than a worm into an apple. Except not so gross. We know that most people don’t like finding a worm (or worse, half a worm) in their apple, but trust us, you’re the loveable kind of larva. When people see you, they don’t shriek, “Gross!” Instead, they think, “How lovely that this apple is obviously farm-grown and pesticide-free!” While we’re on the subject: Don’t forget to patronize your local farmers’ markets.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll be in the mood to let your inhibitions go this week. Instead of downing a fifth of gin to accomplish this goal, just focus on your heart’s desires, swallow your pride, be completely honest and true intimacy will be yours. Then you can get loaded to help yourself forget what a cheeseball you’ve become.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ve heard it all before: “Life is short. Seize the day. You only get one shot, so live it to the fullest. No regrets!” But have you really listened? It’s hard to keep the big picture in mind when you’re bogged down with the disappointments, conflicts and embarrassments of the day-to-day. But you don’t want to be on your deathbed, right before that light goes out, and suddenly be struck by the awful existential question, “What if?” Chances are, at that point you’ll be less concerned with the fact that forty years earlier you made an ass of yourself by taking a chance and confessing your true feelings to the one you love. There’s even a chance they’ll be by your bedside holding your hand at the end. (Sniffle, sniffle.).

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Not everyone knows a sure thing when they see it — if they did, we’d all be Microsoft millionaires by now. But allow us, if you will, to share a little stock tip for the week: you’re the sure thing! As long as you’re out and about, you can’t lose — you’ll be more sought after that William Shatner at a Trekkies singles convention.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Driving anywhere outside of New York City, if you want to change lanes, you signal, check for an opening, make sure the other driver has seen you and then carefully move over, all the while maintaining a steady speed. For decades, drivers have found that this leads to a harmonious, crash-free driving experience. In New York, on the other hand, your “signal” is to start edging into the next lane and instead of checking that the other driver has seen you, you just honk really loudly. Sounds like hell, right? You should see the road rage. This week, if you’re thinking of getting into (or out of) a serious relationship, think of it like lane-sharing: you could do it like New Yorkers, or you could do it like the rest of the world. Which do you think is better? (It’s not a trick question.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
In made-for-TV movies and daytime soap operas, you can always tell when someone is lying about their past. The music takes a turn for the ominous, the liar’s eyes shift repeatedly, left to right, right to left, and then we’re treated to a flashback scene that shows us what really happened. If only life came equipped with such cues. This week, you’ll need to rely on your detective skills and keep your eyes peeled for more subtle hints that things are not what they appear.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If it’s the thought that counts, then stand up and be counted! You’ve got thoughtfulness by the truckload. Use it before it all goes to waste! You’ll be surprised: thoughtfulness is the high-octane fuel of good relationships.


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