Horoscopes
Horoscopes
Astrological New Year’s Resolutions 2016

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Self-deception is highly likely this week. Question your — and your partner’s — motives. Otherwise, you may find yourself in a love triangle. Your New Year’s resolution: Give up geometry. You were never good at math. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) The stars say that you’ll find your groove this week. Your […]

Horoscopes
Your Weekly Horoscopes: December 28th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Resolve to ask yourself these questions before having sex in 2016 1. Do I really want to have sex? 2. Do I care if I never see them again? 3. Do I know their last name? 4. What was that they just said? 5. Do I have a condom? 6. Would […]

Horoscopes
Your Holiday Horoscopes

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Some people really know how to put the “sex” into “quality time with your loved ones this holiday season.” Like Mariah Carey, for instance. Or another for instance — you! All you want for Christmas is to get your freak on. And your holiday dream may well come true… so long […]

Horoscopes
Your Weekly Horoscopes: Dec 14th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) If your mind’s in the gutter but your ass is on the La-Z-Boy, chances are the only person you’re going to be talking dirty to is your teddy bear. If you’re looking for a more interactive experience, as it were, you’re going to have to get out of the house every […]

Horoscopes
Your Weekly Horoscopes: December 7th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) If only we had looked really hard in the mirror back when we feathered our bangs and wore side ponytails; if only we had questioned the practicality of all those snaps on the Members Only Jackets. We were just so quick to jump on the bandwagon, we didn’t realize we were […]

Horoscopes
Your (Haiku) Horoscopes: November 30th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) These aren’t sex toys: Friends, neighbors, coworkers, pets. Stick with your own hand. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Do not jump the fence. The grass under your feetsies Is fertile and green. gemini (May 21st-June 21st) The leaf told the tree, “I’ll fall off when I’m ready.” Don’t pull leaves off trees. […]

Horoscopes
Your Thanksgiving Horoscopes

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You’re so hot this week you sizzle like a giant Butter Ball. Telephone the person that you’ve been admiring and let him or her know that you’re interested. But don’t call Thursday and disturb their Thanksgiving dinner. Wait until Friday. Friday is a good day. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) You don’t […]

Horoscopes
Your Weekly Horoscopes: November 16th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Sometimes a straight-up, no-BS approach to seduction is more effective than all the rules and bouquets and notes passed in class. In fact, as a general rule, we recommend the straight-up, no-BS approach all the time. Avoid cheeseball lines and just say what you’re thinking — assuming that what you’re thinking […]

Horoscopes
Your Weekly Horoscopes: November 9th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Focus on joining worthy causes this week and someone special will notice. Yeah, aren’t you smart? Make it look like you’re spreading sunshine and doing your bit for the community, when all you really care about is getting laid. It’s the double whammy: You impress them because you’re out there saving […]

Horoscopes
Your Weekly Horoscopes: November 2nd, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) If there was a recommended daily allowance of sexual energy, then you’d be eating fifteen bowls a day of Booty Flakes this week. Don’t O.D. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Don’t mix business with pleasure this week. The gossip-mongers by the water cooler are hungry for fresh meat. You could be the […]