photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This week your love life is like a box of chocolates. All you have to do is pick one. Just be sure to avoid the ones filled with orange creams — they always suck.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
During a week when it seems like half the population is determined to give the last of their hard-earned pennies to Hallmark and the other half is ready to firebomb the Hallmark headquarters, the sexy few who just think of V-Day as a good excuse to get laid are the heroes. And you, Taurus, you’re our hero. You’re the wind beneath our wings. And for that, the booty gods will look kindly on you this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Act like a bimbo/himbo this week. That means no heated debates about the U. N. Security Council, no pontificating about Picasso’s Blue Period, no deep philosophizing about existential angst and who would win a naked mud-wrestling match, Camus or Sartre. Dumb it down, lest your attempts at sounding impressive just come across as depressive. Think light, airy and breezy — kind of like a Summer’s Eve commercial. Don’t ask any tough, probing questions either; just the simple ones written on those heart-shaped, pastel candies: “Will you be my Valentine?” and “Wanna fuck?”

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be in the mood for love. Hmm, wonder why? Could it be because everyone in the universe is making sickeningly sweet Valentine’s Day plans but you? Maybe it’s because doing it with your left hand is not as authentic-feeling as everyone says. Maybe you’re just bored. . . or depressed. Whatever it is, get a little closer to someone you recently met and find out how they feel about you. This might not solve your love problem, but it’ll at least be a nice distraction.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week, you’ll be more commitment-shy than the seventeen-year-old captain of the football team who’s just crashed cheerleader camp. Especially if any romantic interests in your life give you some kind of “by V-Day” ultimatum. Especially if they start to act like the stupid date means something. (Hey, we’re just channeling you Leos here; we happen to think it means a lot of things.) Especially if they think that the arrival of February 14th automatically signifies a step forward in the relationship. And especially if they have red hair. (Hey, don’t shoot the medium. What can we say, this is a weird and mystical science.)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Someone from your past is likely to try to come back into your life and exploit the sentimental romance of Valentine’s Day. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, shut up for a second and let someone else put their foot in their mouth (or, if you’re kinky like that, their foot in your mouth). You may feel like you’ve got all the right moves, but those moves will look a tad fuh-reaky to a certain someone. So cancel the singing telegram for 2/14, forget about scattering rose petals along the entire thirty blocks your sweetie walks to work — forget anything that screams “I really really need to get laid. Note to underachievers: This does not in any way give you license not to celebrate the holiday with a loved one. It just means you should be a little understated about it. Think a hand-made card instead of a glittery, musical one; think a nice long oral sesh instead of the strap-on.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The ball is in your court, so it’s your turn to make the next move. Whether that means playing with yourself or playing with someone’s scrotal sac this Valentine’s Day, we couldn’t tell you. But if it were up to us, we’d say go for the Balzac!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your week will get progressively better when it comes to love and romance. Duh, because Valentine’s Day is coming. Don’t do nothing. If there is someone who interests you, send them a homemade Valentine’s card.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Someone will confront you in a dark alley this week. They’ll speak to you in hushed tones, back you into a corner, and open one side of their jacket to reveal their heart. It’ll be big and red, maybe made of cardboard with a lace trim. They’ll offer it to you free of charge, no questions asked, just to try to get you hooked. When you hesitate, they’ll try to intimidate you: “All the cool kids are celebrating Valentine’s Day. What are you, a frozen chicken?” If you know you can’t handle it, don’t give into the pressure. Just say no.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Three things can ruin Valentine’s Day: musical greeting cards, forgetting to make a dinner reservation and jealousy.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We know it’s Valentine’s Day and all, but that’s no excuse for rushing things that aren’t ready to be rushed, and it’s no excuse for coming on all hot and heavy. Commitment-phobes don’t become marriage-ready at the stroke of midnight on February 13th — and if they do, chances are they’ll turn back into a big fat non-committal pumpkin at the stroke of midnight on the fourteenth.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
No couch potato-ing it this week. Get off your bum and shake that ass. Think about sex globally, act locally. The more situations you put yourself in where you could accidentally bump into someone now, the more likely you are to bump uglies later.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Discretion is the better part of valor. We never quite understood the meaning of that old adage, but we’re guessing it has something to do with keeping your mouth shut. The gentlemen or lady understands that there are sometimes occasions when omission of the cold, harsh truth is apropos. (Such as, “Wow, that story you just told me about how you’re insecure about your oral sex abilities reminds me of this amazing head I once received from a hot eighteen year old who had never done it before!”) Don’t think of it as “lying”; think of it as “listening.”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you want to play games this week, stick to Scrabble and Clue. Mind games won’t get you laid — honesty and persistence will. And maybe Twister.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Your romantic interests this week are like a box of chocolate-covered donuts. They’re so tempting, so decadent, so sinful, so scrumptious. Their sweet smell lures you in. You touch them ever so gently — oooh, so soft. Bring them to your lips — they practically melt in your mouth. But after eating them up, you feel guilty, dirty, unclean even. They sit in a heavy, rotting lump in the pit of your stomach. So go easy on the donuts this week, don’t bite off more than you can chew, and limit your intake to one every few days. Dunkin Donuts coffee is, however, acceptable (screw Starbucks, that DD stuff is good, man).

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Everyone wants to be on your team this week. And even better than that, they all love you for you, just the way you are. Well, at the very least they all want to get into your pants rather than your pocketbook. Which is always nice, right? Don’t worry about your reputation if you feel like engaging in a little groupie sex — the ones you do pick will be so blissed out, they won’t even remember their own name, and the ones you don’t pick will be too busy mending their broken hearts to call you “slut. ” But what the heck, we’ll say it: Slut! And that’s a compliment where we come from.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Your timing’s all off. Or maybe it’s the person you’re kind of sweet on whose schedule is all out of whack. Well, someone’s got the timing of a joke told by Bob Saget on “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” Just be patient and understanding when the forces that be keep you two from making America’s dirtiest home videos this week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can’t solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it’s just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial.) But anyway, you’re too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it’s twice the therapy and doesn’t leave scars or rot your teeth.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
This week, it’s like you’ve got a flashing red neon sign around your neck that reads “I love you” or at least “I’ll fuck you” — whichever is more of a sexual turn-on to those jamming on your groove. Brace yourself for the action that’s coming your way, cause it won’t all be good: Imagine a defensive lineman from the Chicago Bears in full gear running your way at full speed with a bouquet of roses. It’s okay with us if you choose to run.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Did you know that sometimes the two of us test out new vibrators on each other when we don’t have our guys around to product-test with? Did you also know that there are little fairies living in our refrigerators who sprinkle star dust on our tofu and that’s how we get all our horoscope information? . . . Don’t be such a sucker, especially this week, because someone you like is going to try to make an ass out of you. Why do you even like them? They sound like a jerk.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Attend a charity event, volunteer in your community, go to a political rally, tell a stranger they’ve got TP stuck to their shoe — do anything you consider socially valuable. You’re supposed to fall in love with someone while you save the world. If you don’t get love, at least you’ll have given some. And you can pretend that’s all that really matters.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You can’t hide this feeling anymore. You’ve forgotten what you started fighting for. All you know is, spring is here and you want to get l-a-i-d. Don’t hide your burning flames of lust under a jar (how does that metaphor go again?) — your uncorkable horniness will be exactly what attracts the hotties this week.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Be a stealth bomber in your pursuit of love: Don’t just ask them straight out and give them a chance to say no. Instead, focus on becoming their friend so they don’t even realize they’re falling for you until it’s too late. And hey, if our cunning plan doesn’t work, at least we saved you from the sting of rejection.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Aren’t you Mr(s) Popular? Everyone will want to spend time with you this week. What, did you win the lottery or finally get that penis implant/boob jobbie? No, no, of course, it’s your loving nature that draws the crowds. So spread the love. Just wear rubber gloves.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Not only are we astrologers, we’re also psychics. We can prove it: We can guess what your middle name is. Check it out…it’s coming through a little hazy…no, we are definitely getting a name…yep, yep…it’s Scatterbrains! Whether it’s on your birth certificate or not, that’s your middle name this week. So don’t make any sudden moves or important decisions (like officially changing your middle name to something queer like “Scatterbrains”).

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
There’s a fine line between attracting attention and banging a big spoon on a metal pot. Faking your own suicide, for example, would probably fall in the latter category. So would pretending your dog died…or that you suddenly need Viagra.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week, if love is a dance, then you need to stop being a wallflower. Which is just about the cheesiest goddamn thing we’ve ever said. A dance? That sounds like something our grandmothers would say. Or worse, a Hallmark greeting card. But, whatever — when the stars tell you to dance, we guess you just gotta make like Kevin Bacon and cut loose.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We know that sometimes it feels like your sex drive is, well, driving, and you’re just riding shotgun. But that’s no excuse for not offering up helpful navigation suggestions every now and then. For example, “No, not that one, s/he’s got a mullet!” Or, “Noooooo! Not the ex!” Or, “Let’s go home and masturbate!”

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Here’s your problem: Your gnat impersonations. When you like someone and/or are trying to get them to do something (namely, you), you have a tendency to buzz around them in an erratic fashion. Your intentions are good, but it’s still totally annoying. Here’s your solution: Stop buzzing. Do something constructive instead, like an arts and crafts project. Art is sexy.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Admit it: You’re no Cyrano on your best days (and you’re certainly no Scorpio), and this will not be a week of best days. But that doesn’t mean you have to plagiarize (or hire a Scorpio) in order to get laid. Besides, your Scorpio friends will all be too busy getting laid themselves to help out. Instead, work with what you’ve got: The heart of a Good Samaritan and more creative ideas than Martha Stewart after five years in the slammer. Do something nice for your intended, and then sit back and wait for the booty to come your way. Oh, it will alright, you can be sure of that: We have a special place in our loins for you Libras. (And no, we don’t say that to all the star signs.)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Talk is cheap. It’s also a fabulous way to get into someone’s pants. Which should make your week, considering that you’re currently blessed with a honey tongue, totally broke, and in more dire need of a good shag than anyone we’ve seen in a long time.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We don’t know if you’re usually the touchy-feely type (oh, who are we kidding; you’re a Sag and we know everything), but this week, you’re going to be handing out hugs and kisses like you’re sponsored by Hershey’s. Hey man, it’s all good. Feel the love. Just don’t feel it with anyone who’s got active oral herpes.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)

It’s time for your medicine. We know you hate those super-serious, state-of-the-relationship Talks, but there’s only so long you can put it off for. Trust us, you’ll feel much better once you know for sure where you stand (assuming you’re not totally off in your educated guess as to the state of the relationship, in which case, it serves you right for waiting for so long and we hope you’ve learned your lesson for next time). And who knows? Maybe you’ll even be rewarded with a lil’ “sugar” to help the medicine go down.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re softer than Charmin, which is mostly really endearing, but sometimes leads people to act like it’s okay to use you to wipe their ass. We know you find it hard to say no, but if you keep up this Mr./Ms. Congeniality act, you’ll be knees-deep in a committed relationship before you can say “Can you spare a square?”

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Advantage, Pisces. You’ve got game this week, and if you choose to play, you’ll be scoring more often than, er — oh fuck it, we don’t watch any sports. It’ll be love-love everywhere you look, slam-dunks from here to the bedroom, and if we make one more sports analogy, we’re going to have to run off to Circuit City and buy a big-screen TV to go with our Lay-Z-Boy. Anyway, you get the picture. And we’ll take the picture-in-picture flat-screen Panasonic, please.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t let your genitals do the decision making this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
How do you expect your partner know where you stand when you keep moving around the chessboard of love without following any of the rules? Don’t rush, take turns making moves, and don’t jump anyone you’re not supposed to. Otherwise, you’ll end up playing with yourself.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Okay, this week’s horoscope comes in the form of a pop quiz. Question one: Did you spend last Friday night sitting at home for a Meg Ryan movie marathon, wondering how many more sleepless nights in Seattle you’ll have to spend before meeting your Harry? Question two: Has anyone ever used the phrase “serial monogamist” to describe your dating habits? Question three: Would going to a movie alone make you feel like a big fat dork? Question four: Was college the last time you made a booty call? If you answered “yes” to at least two of these questions, then you might want to seriously consider your motivations before entering a new relationship. Are you sure you’re really into him/her and not just a little, uh, desperate?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Let’s get touchy-feely, shall we? Even though it’s cliche, the earnest sex gurus are right: We must openly communicate our needs and desires to our partners without shame, and without hysterically cracking up or running to the bathroom to hide. So what if it’s out of character for you; that strong and silent routine is only sexy for so long. Open up, share with group, and those fantasies in your head might come true. And yes, we’d like some wine with that cheese.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Call us crazy, but we see a high correlation between givers in the community and givers in bed. Think about it: Is that guy who plays bingo with the old folks for three hours every Saturday afternoon really going to withold oral attention because it’s too one-sides? And is the gal who gives up her Friday nights to serve in a soup kitchen likely to be someone who doesn’t believe in reciprocity? So what we’re saying is, think globally, act locally, and reap the benefits later. Aw yeah.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But it’s better to have never loved at all than to lie and say “I love you” when you surely don’t mean it. There are better ways to get them off your back. Like, say . . . oh, we don’t know . . . breaking up with them. Too harsh? Okay, okay, you don’t have to be in love with someone to date them — duh — but you can’t fake them out either. That’s just wrong, like, leggings-for-men wrong.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We hate to break it to you, but there are people out there who will find your exhaustive bedroom banter and playful manner just plain exhausting. Pick partners who’ll appreciate it when you spontaneously break into dirty Ovid verse or bring out the ping pong paddle. Surround yourself with people who can keep up and can keep it up.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
This week, it’s all about the subtle signal. As in, you giving a subtle signal that will let someone know you’re interested. Anything stronger than “subtle” and you risk scaring them off. Of course, we can’t tell you what the signal is — that’s for you to figure out. And if we did know a universally accepted “subtle signal” then we’d be too busy writing a bestselling book about it and putting all the other advice columnists out of business to give you your horoscope, anyway. So give thanks for small favors.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
What you really need is a partner with substance. So think genitally and act locally: Get involved in community projects, play bingo with the old folks, paint a mural for your local elementary school (just be sure to ask permission first). And we recommend not telling that fellow good samaritan you end up bedding the real reason why you volunteered until at least six months into the relationship.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Lose the wig, the make-up, the bra inserts, the cucumber in your pants: This week, it’s all about being yourself.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Tooting your own horn this week will help attract that special person. And no, that doesn’t mean asking them to pull your finger during a romantic dinner.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t you hate it when terribly clever people say terribly unexpected things like “Your biggest sexual organ is. . . your brain”? Then they smile at you coyly, expecting some kind of facial reaction from you to confirm that they have indeed rocked your world. Damn pseudo-intellectual pop-psychologists. We wouldn’t dream of stooping to such pat drivel, but we will say that thinking before you speak could be the difference between playing with someone else’s smaller sexual organ and playing with yours alone.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
A reader wrote in recently complaining that the Aries horoscopes are always lame. Well, we can’t control the stars but we can try to be nicer. Unfortunately, it ain’t gonna happen this week. The stars say you should keep your trap shut and your eyes open and let the honeys come to you — cause you’re gonna be as about as smooth as Robert Redford’s complexion this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Here’s a shout out to all Tauruses from the stars this week: “Live to love.” Damn, we just wanna emblazon that slogan on a baby-tee and go rollerskating in the park! If you’re not groovin’ on the meaning quite as much as we are, here’s some more specific advice: Don’t run yourself ragged meeting up with booooring acquaintances at blah-blah cocktail parties where everyone sits around discussing the relative merits of Tanqueray vs. Bombay Sapphire. Instead, rest up, get your beauty sleep, and spend your free nights prepping for dates.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We’ve got three words for you this week: quality alone time.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Make your move — you won’t be sorry. (And if you are sorry, don’t come crying to us; we’ve got very good lawyers and we haven’t lost a case yet.)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
During a book reading a few years ago, fiction author Amy Bloom said she always tries to resist writing as if she were on a first date: telling her standard little anecdotes with wit, preciousness, and embellishment in order to make herself seem more attractive and loveable to her listener. You should avoid such precious behavior on actual first dates.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Nerds are hot. Not nerds like in Revenge of the Nerds, of course. But true nerds: The ones who get caught up in a great book and choose to forgo the night out at the bar just to finish it; the ones who take continuing education classes just to keep learning; the ones who occasionally quote from Bartlett’s; the ones who are so smart they can come up with the most clever wise-ass comebacks on command (though they’re too timid to actually speak them out loud); the ones who watch Jeopardy. Be prepared to meet a nerd this week who will massage your brain in places you’ve never had stimulated before, aw yeah.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
There’s a reason why they call it “spoiled for choice”: Too many hotties to choose from and you start to get all picky about ankle size, hair length, where they went to school, and what their favorite Burger King meal special is. While you’ve got such a selection to work with, you might want to consider factoring IQ into the equation, too. Just a thought.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
What are you thinking? Riding your bike down that rocky road called Memory Lane right now will only give you a sore ass. So don’t get all hot and bothered about something you can’t do anything about. Cool down, have some iced tea.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Be careful: You’re likely to feel a little under the weather this week. Which means a lowered immune system. Stay away from lovers who may have something contagious. And we’re not just talking colds here. Did you know that HPV is the most common sexually transmitted infection in the United States, with an estimated seventy-five percent of sexually active people exposed to an HPV infection at some point in their lives, whether they know it or not? Instead of hooking up this week, why not you give yourself a little sex-ed refresher course.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If you are fun-loving and playful you will have your pick; if you are controlling you will lose out. We don’t see why everyone has such a problem with control freaks. Where do they think they’d be without the control freaks? Just once we’d like to see all the control freaks sit on their asses for a week, so that all the lazy bums — oh, excuse us, all the fun-loving playful types — could see how little gets done. Nothing fun would be organized. No one would know where to meet. No one would be able to figure out how to split the tab. It would be anarchy, people, pure anarchy!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
There’s only so long that you can screen your calls/be out to lunch/be infected with a mysterious genital inflammation/be home washing your hair/be abducted by aliens on your lunch break. It’s time to face the music, dude.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Anyone who judges you by the size of your wallet (or any other body part) doesn’t deserve the great oral sex you give.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You know how sometimes you go all out to impress someone — candle-lit meal, “seductive” music, fine wine, edible underwear — and they show up all drunk and could give two shits? Sucks, doesn’t it? Fortunately, this week your efforts will be appreciated. Though you might want to rethink the underwear.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Trust your intuition: If someone feels good to be around, then they’re probably good for you. Either that or they’re wearing a great cashmere sweater and you keep rubbing up against it. In which case, second-guess your intuition until you’ve spent time with them in a less luxurious fabric.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Stop making excuses and join in the fun. Get out and take part in some damn social activities. Don’t waste time sitting at home alone watching reruns of the Gilmore Girls on Tivo, not when this is such a great week for romance! Now, if that little motivational speech doesn’t light a fire under your ass, then maybe it’s time to get a happy pill prescription. Or at least some chocolate.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Why you always puttin’ up a front? Whether it’s throwing around the benjamins, talking smack, or dressing like a pimpmaster or a prep, you’re constantly drawing attention to yourself in an effort to impress. But instead of coming across as an ultra-hip mover and shaker, you look more like a two-year-old jumping up and down in a saggy diaper shouting “Look at me! Look at me!” Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated? Promise us we’re never gonna find you faking. At least not this week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You will find yourself attracted to someone much older than you. . . or much younger than you. If you offer to help them out in some way (be creative: everybody needs a little help sometimes) you’ll find yourself in a position to ask them out. And if you do find yourself in that position, you damn well better ask them out, or else this entire eerily accurate horoscope will have been for naught.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ll want to push this week, like a pregnant lady in labor. But when you get pushy with love, you start to make faces and grunting noises, much like a pregnant lady in labor. Have you ever watched a nature show on childbirth? It’s not exactly sexy. This week, you’ve just got to let the love come on its own. Save the faces and grunting for the miracle of birth — or at least for the sex you’ll hopefully get next week as a reward for not being pushy this week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’re keeping a list of potential “viewers” to woo into watching your own love channel (how romantic of you). But if you use the bells and whistles of Fox News to get their attention, you’ll be about as respected and sexually appealing as Bill O’Reilly. You relax. They decide.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Take the initiative to plan special outings this week that will bring you in contact with new and exciting people. You’re always saying you want to take more advantage of the cultural activities your city offers. So do it! This is the beginning of a new year, there’s sure to be a ton of stuff that will give you the opportunity to rub elbows with other motivated, intellectually curious, and sexually desperate urbanites: plays at the theater, art openings, organized sex parties. Check your local alternative weekly.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
So there you are, in your local bar (or corner deli, or indie record shop), eyeing up the area hottie you’ve been meaning to speak to for weeks now, and you’re finally ready to take the plunge: heart pounding, sweat droplets forming at your temples, hands shaking. . . but whatever you do, don’t use a line. We’re serious as cancer. We know that in moments like these, you suddenly forget how to form complete sentences and a line can seem like a handy crutch, but it’s not. Better to come right out and admit your nervousness than crib from some sleazy pick-up manual written by a guy who hasn’t got laid in decades. Hey, we’d find that endearing.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You will think you have found love — or at least really good sex — this week, but it won’t last, because they’re lying to you. Hate to make you feel like you’ve been kicked in the nuts now, but it’s better than feeling like your heart’s been ripped out through your esophagus later, right?

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Uh oh, Aqua, looks like you might have latched onto someone in a funny-shaped hat this New Year’s. All is not what it appears. And when everything is eventually revealed, that hottie is going to have a serious case of ugly hat-head. Best back up and take a breather, and get out while everything’s still nice and pretty.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’ll probably get lucky this week, but not in any deep and meaningful way. So enjoy it while it lasts because. . . oh, look, it’s over already! Damn, you’re fast.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
The stars say that you’ll find your groove this week. Your New Year’s resolution: Make sure you’ve got a fabulous party to attend and aren’t wasting all that grooviness on dancing with yourself. Oh, oh, oh, oh, dancing with yourself.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The stars can be so high and mighty — but that’s because they’re so far away. They see the big picture, they see what’s important. Unlike you, who can only see the total hottie in front of (or sitting on) your face. But be warned, falling for someone just for their looks will only end up biting you in the butt (regardless of whether your hottie is into heiney hickeys). Your New Year’s resolution: Be deeper than a kiddie pool.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Oh, this really cracks us up. The stars have a teeny-tiny recommendation for you this week: “Look for that person who will challenge your thoughts, change your world and blow your mind.” Yeah, like it’s really that easy. No big deal, right? Geez, and all this time we’ve been chasing dullards with no sex appeal. How come no one told us we should chase the catch of the day? Well, Gem, before you get all cocky like us, stop and think for a second: When was the last time you really went after someone you wanted bad, someone you thought you couldn’t get? Are you settling to avoid rejection? Do we sound like your shrink yet? Have you called your mother lately? Your New Year’s resolution: Shoot for the moon and maybe you’ll end up shagging a little star. And call your mother.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
To paraphrase a line from one of Lo’s favorite movies, The Four Seasons: “Your thoughts are like gumballs that just drop down from your brain onto your tongue.” To put it less delicately, you’ve got diarrhea of the mouth when it comes your romantic emotions. Your New Year’s resolution: Remove feet from your diet completely. However, you can put a sock in it. Socks are okay.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
When we look at your week, Leo, one phrase comes to mind: “Charming the pants off.” ‘Tis the season for you to be getting boo-tay! And it’s not just ’cause everyone’s too drunk to care who they get lucky with, we swear. You’re sparkling like your jacket is lined with Christmas lights, and everyone’s going to be lining up to sit on your knee and whisper what they really want for the holidays in your ear. Turns out Santa didn’t put out this year — but on New Year’s Eve, you can make up for that. Your New Year’s resolution: Let it all flow — the booze, the compliments, the sweet talking. Just let it flow. And carry condoms everywhere.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ll be very popular this week — we’re talking Justin Bieber popular, the new iPhone popular, even Zhu Zhu Pet popular. You just have to get out and mingle. That means going to every New Year’s party you were invited to, as well as the one you wish you were invited to. Your New Year’s resolution: Party like it’s 1999!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
When someone asks you “Are you single?” don’t say “Yes, I’m alone.” That’s having a bad attitude. Listening to the song “One Is the Loneliest Number” on repeat when you don’t have a date for New Year’s Eve isn’t helping either. You’re not alone, you’re number one! Your New Year’s resolution: When you meet a hottie, focus on flirting, not gut-spilling. Save the woe-is-me for the second date.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Your daisy-petal-picking technique for making important romantic decisions is getting old fast. Your wishy-washy behavior will turn the person you’ve been hanging out with running in the other direction. Your New Year’s resolution: Grow a spine.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, you’ll have more energy than a brand new puppy waiting for his walk. And you know how some people are dog people and others would rather piss on a fire hydrant in public than show a canine a little love? Well, the same goes for you: Your crotch-sniffing, drippy tongue act will be a little much for all the wrong people. But there’s one special person out there who’s going to just love it, and it’s gonna be just like that spaghetti scene in The Lady and the Tramp. Ain’t puppy love grand? Your New Year’s resolution: If you sense a kindred spirit in the room, go straight for the crotch. And stay off the furniture.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Remember that old Bryan Adams video? (No, not Ryan Adams, Bryan with “B” — yes, we’re that old.) Anyway, we’re talking about the video with the hottest pock-face in music standing at the bottom of an indoor pool, sans water. “Cut’s Like a Knife,” that’s it. The video had this woman change into her bathing suit, climb the ladder to the diving board, and then jump off into the concrete pool. Next we see her climb out of the pool, miraculously unscathed and soaking wet. Like magic. Still with us? Okay, you are the chick in the video. But you don’t have magical powers. So the next time you jump head first into the pool of love before checking whether or not there’s any water in it, you might end up seriously hurt. Your New Year’s resolution: Wait at least fifteen minutes after eating before you go swimming.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t be so argumentative all the time. It’s the holidays — everyone’s too stuffed with tofurkey and Silk eggnog to give a shit about your debate-of-the-week right now. Can’t you just drop all the “issues” for a few days and think about getting laid like the rest of us? Your resolution for the week: Have another glass of wine and stay a while. Have you ever danced on a bar-top? Now is as good a time as any.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You are wise to question your motives this week when it comes to love. Self-deception is likely. Whoever you are interested in will probably give you a false impression. Love triangles may cause problemos. Your New Year’s resolution: Give up geometry. You were never good at math.

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, nothing is sacred, as we take traditional Christmas carols and turn them into sex advice. Merry Xmas to you!

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Chestnuts roasting on a George Forman
The boss doing coke up his nose
Vicious rumors being spread by doormen
And folks dressed up like trashy ho’s.

Everybody knows a Trojan and some Astroglide
Help to make the office party bright
Buzzed Aries with their flies open wide
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Rudolf, the red-nosed Taurus
had a very shiny nose (from the alcohol?).
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows (from the alcohol!).

All of the other hotties
used to laugh and call him names (like Gin Blossom!).
They never let poor Rudolf
play in any reindeer games (like Spin the Bottle!).

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Em & Lo came to say:
“Rudolf with your nose so bright (from all the oral!),
won’t you ‘guide my sleigh’ tonight?”

Then all the hotties loved him
as they shouted out with glee:
“Rudolf the red-nosed luvver,
you’ll go down in history!”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Hark how the bells,
Sweet silver bells,
All seem to say,
Throw cares away.

Get it in gear,
Don’t have no fear,
You’re young, not old,
Have sex that’s bold.

Ding dong ding dong,
You can’t go wrong,
With a dildo,
You big phat ho.

Oh how it pounds,
Making weird sounds,
O’er hill and dale,
Telling your tale.

To your neighbor,
And it will lure,
Them to your bed,
Making you red.

Don’t be ashamed,
Join in the game,
Neighbors can play,
And make your day.

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Years ago, while driving around San Diego on a book tour, we saw what to us was the craziest road sign: the black silhouettes of two adults running for their lives, dragging a youngster behind them, all on a yellow, rectangular background. You don’t get many of those in the Northeast. (Though maybe you yanks are more familiar with it now with all of Arizona’s “papers please” shenanigans.) It struck us how effective road signs are: succinct, powerful, instructional, universal, and sometimes entertaining even if you don’t quite understand them (frost heaves, anyone?). So we occasionally like to whittle your horoscope down to its purist form–behold, The Road Signs.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Falling Rocks Ahead

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Caution: Water On Road During Rain
(that’s a real one, believe it or not: if you think about it, it’s profound in its obviousness.)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Last Exit Before Toll

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Be Prepared To Stop

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Recreational Area Turnoff

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Stop When Children In Crosswalk

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Divided Highway Begins

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Merge

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
No Stopping Inmates Working

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Lane Ends Merge Left

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Push Button For Green Light

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
HOV Only

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You will be loud, obnoxious and a little erratic this week — but somehow, this will only add to your charm. (We never said any of this astrology stuff had to make sense.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
God, your hair is perfect. Your teeth? Like a friggin’ Gleem commercial. When you walk into a room, everyone turns and stares, mistaking you for a celebrity. You’ve even got an entourage that’s just one hanger-on short of a harem. Well, you better enjoy it while it lasts, because someone’s going to expose you for the charlatan you are. And when they finally tell everyone about the time they caught you naked with the Jell-O mold, then where will you be, huh?

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
It’s not paranoia if they’re really talking about you. And do you really think your partner would be planning a surprise birthday party for you six months in advance? Are you sure that’s the explanation for the late-night hushed phone conversations, the unexplained hang-ups after midnight, and their sudden need for a pint of ice cream from the deli at two a. m.? Wise up, sucker.

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