Let’s just say we delete a LOT of browser history.
We live in a gilded age — a time in which pornography flows freely and unimpeded thanks to the internet. Now, any desire can instantly be fulfilled via 1080p stream in the comfort of your own home. Whether you close the blinds or not is up to you.
Imagine having a foot fetish in the middle ages. You’d probably be burned as a witch. Now you can download the exact shoe size you need to get off by barely lifting a finger.
When our ancestors look back on us at the dawn of free, unlimited porn, they’ll marvel at how we ever accomplished anything other than strengthening our wrists. It truly is amazing.
Yet, with porn so ubiquitous now, it’s still quite secretive for most people. But not today!
Ever wonder what your man searches for while you’re at work, and then deletes from his browser history? Wonder no longer:
- Jerk-off instructions
“So there’s a new kind of video that I’m totally into called JOI, or jerk-off instructions. Basically a girl is … taking care of herself … but telling you what she wants you to do at the same time. It’s good if you like dirty talk I guess, and every video is a new adventure instead of doing the same thing every time.”
- Porn music videos
“There’s a thing now on porn sites called porn music videos. It’s like a montage or trailer of different porn scenes set to music. It takes out all the dumb forced exposition and just shows the good parts. You know that scene in A Clockwork Orange where he’s strapped to the chair and watches a supercut of crazy imagery? It’s like that, but with banging.”
- Anything that’s free
“Honestly I don’t really have a preference. I just start Googling whatever’s on my mind that day and voila. Well maybe voila isn’t the right word, but yeah. There’s so much out there — who can stick to a preference?”
- Lesbian porn
“Dudes in porn are always so weird and talkative for some reason. Or they’ll have like a 5 minute close-up of his balls. Then he just starts being super vocal all of a sudden during the money shot. It takes me out of it. Ladies only is the way to go.”
- Asian porn
“I mostly watch Asian porn. I don’t know what it is, just something about them that’s more appealing for porn. It doesn’t even necessarily correspond to real-world attraction. I’m pretty equal opportunity when it comes to dating.”
- Hi-def porn
“I think I’m one of the only people left on Earth that pays for porn. I know, I know … it’s free everywhere. But you can’t get the same quality for free. The pay sites have super high-definition and good audio, and the free streaming sites are hit or miss. The production values make it more immersive, and honestly it’s not that expensive for something that gets A LOT of use.”
- Fetish porn
“I have some fetishes that are sometimes hard to bring up when dating. With porn, I can still get what I’m after without scaring away someone I just met on Tinder. I don’t really want to get into specifics, but suffice to say, there’s porn for EVERY niche on the internet if you want it.”
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