We usually don’t dignify the crazies with a response, but we just can’t let this one go: A string of reader responses got us so infuriated that we decided to dedicate an entire column to setting him straight (no pun intended). We’ve edited his comments for space and readability while maintaining their warped content and spirit:
Hey Em & Lo,
What will happen when a straight couple who’s used a strap-on splits up? After months of penetration and a subsequent break up, where is the guy going to satisfy his newly acquired desire to be penetrated? It is not easy to find another woman that would want to do this to a guy. Yes, online it appears all women do it, but in real life, most women would be horrified at the idea of using a strap on on their BF and would make fun of a guy who enjoys getting penetrated. So it will take time and effort to find another woman like that.
In the meantime, with whom is this man going to talk about his desire to be penetrated? To his straight friends? I do not think so. To his female friends? Not unless they are strap-on girls, which is highly unlikely. Will he talk to homosexual guys about the issue, not because he himself is homosexual, but because they have something in common? Will he someday allow a man to penetrate him even though he still considers himself straight because he does not like men, because he thinks “It’s basically just the same thing as a strap on.”
Let me make an analogy: After a few years in a war zone becoming desensitized to guns and killing and shooting humans, a normal citizen could end up becoming a criminal. Now, not all men are secret criminals. A guy might not be genetically predisposed to become a criminal, but the the trauma of being in a military situation that involves weapons training combined with his confusion, weakness, stress and financial issues might make him prone to falling into a life of crime.
Similarly, a guy can become desensitized by getting dominated with a strap on. I am not saying that a straight man that gets done with a strap on will automatically become gay (unless he is already gay, a closeted homosexual or a feminine guy learning he likes that). What I am saying is that man, once alone, without the GF that used to bend him over, will still crave being penetrated. The guy in question might not become gay because he was a secret gay man, he might become gay because he needed to satisfy a need (penetration) that developed from a risky experiment with a girl that he wanted to try it with or that once asked him to bend over. Once the defense mechanisms are gone, he might end up somewhere he never intended nor wanted to be.
Women seem to play with bisexuality like a game, they go in and out of it with no real consequences. But men are different: a man that plays with homosexuality never goes back like women do. By bending a man over for her pleasure, she’s not necessarily turning that man into a homosexual, but yes, she’s taking him to the doorstep of that road. Does she have the right to do so? I think these women are destroying a human being just for the sake of their fantasy. If it was a married couple, I see no problem: the woman has the commitment to stay with the end product of her making. But if it is just a BF/GF thing, guys beware, you might end up becoming a completely different person. Would you turn gay? Not necessarily, but by parallel destinations, you might end up in gay guys’ company, the only ones able to hear you once you are alone.
All I am saying is that it is a ride with no return. Once you are used to being penetrated, you will never go back from that.
— James
Hey James,
It’s time to bend over. Not for a strap-on session, but for a spanking! Because you’ve been a very naughty boy, tainting our usually thoughtful comments section with your own brand of crazy. But don’t worry, we promise you won’t become a reluctant BDSM lifestyler from our walloping…
There are several holes (oh man, the puns are effortless) in your argument. But before we begin poking at them, let’s all agree that we are not talking about repressed homosexuals who are in denial about their sexual orientation. Okay then:
First, you cannot compare an otherwise well-adjusted person’s experience with intense military combat involving the massacre of human beings that results in post-traumatic stress disorder to a pleasant, consensual sexual experience between well-adjusted adults. In the simplest terms: the former is bad, the latter is good. One is outside the realm of healthy human experiences; the other is well within the realm of healthy sexual experimentation with someone you trust.
Second, if some people were so desperate for a specific sex act after a break-up — let’s say, oral sex — then by your argument, there would be many more cases where otherwise well-adjusted people felt compelled to turn to their golden retrievers for their similar licking abilities. We’re not saying this hasn’t happened in the history of sex and pets, but that’s not a legitimate, reasonable or logical reason for people to avoid cunnilingus or fellatio altogether with partners they care about.
(In fact, you inadvertently make butt sex sound soooooo enjoyable — enjoyable enough that it would drive people to extreme lengths — that we’re sure you’ve convinced a few people to see what they’ve been missing out on.)
Third, if you’re a decidedly straight guy who enjoys anal play but suddenly finds himself without a female partner, there’s no need to go against every sexual instinct you’ve experienced since childhood and suddenly go gay: you can simply choose from a plethora of butt-safe toys to replicate the sensation during masturbation. You might even find that watching it happen to someone else whilst you masturbate is enough – you really won’t know you try. There are plenty of videos on sites like TubeV Sex that you can attempt this with. Sheesh.
Fourth, while you say not every guy would automatically start engaging in homosexual acts, you suggest that bum-loving is a ride you can never get off. We will happily admit that some people may try a sexual activity, enjoy it thoroughly, and then want to include in their repertoire on a regular basis from then on. Everyone has their preferences. But to suggest that once you go “back” you can never go back — no matter who you are — is ludicrous. Plenty of people are happy to try new things, enjoy them, but then can take them or leave them. Again, the average person could certainly go without, due to a breakup or an unwilling partner they cared about. And plenty of guys will try strap-on sex and not like it (believe it or not!).
Fifth, you talk about women who enjoy wearing strap-ons with their male partners as if they were all master sexual manipulators stripping men of all willpower and masculinity without a care for anything but their own sexual fantasies and satisfaction. Um, it takes two to tango. If a guy doesn’t want his backdoor knocked on, there’s no way his girlfriend is somehow sneaking in a strap-on dildo. Even if his girlfriend is Angelina Jolie.
Speaking of masculinity, if you think being penetrated is feminine, then you’re sexist. If you think enjoying anal play is gay, then you’re a homophobe. And we don’t tolerate either around these here 21st-century parts. As we’ve said before, nerve endings aren’t gay or straight, people are. Sex is all about context, which is why almost no women get turned on by tampon insertion. You engage in sexual activities with people you are attracted to — that’s a large part of what makes them enjoyable. If you’re not attracted to the person on a primal level, you’re not going to enjoy the sex. So if you’re not into guys, you’re not going to enjoy one of them intimately massaging your prostate. But if you’re into girls, then you very well may like having one travel down your hershey highway, because it’s chockful of nerves that respond to stimulation (the right kind of stimulation, whatever that is for you).
All this is not to say that for some people sexual orientation is not fluid. Many people are bisexual, of course. And there’s nothing wrong with experimenting with partners you trust, whether they fall in line with your current sexual orientation or not. Would that make you gay? Only if you want it to. The range of sexual activity is so wide that we believe you should define yourself however you see fit, even if it’s not neatly black or white. It’s your sexual identity — own it. So please don’t go poo-poo-ing others for wanting to play around with sexual roles. That’s usually where they can broaden their horizons, see how ridiculous some of the assumptions they have about sex or gender roles are, and have the most fun!
Now go blow it out your arse,
Em & Lo
The Other Side of Desire is in bookstores now
