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All posts by Em & Lo
Dear Em & Lo: Help, My Friend Is Sleeping with My Ex!
Dear Em & Lo,
I am so confused and upset. I recently found that my ex-boyfriend and a girl who I thought was a close friend of mine have been dating behind my back.
The back story is that he and I dated for a year and broke up a year and a half ago when he got back together with his ex-girlfriend (who had been engaged). My friend, S, had been dating his best friend for about a year, and she broke up with him for her ex as well. S and I remained friends throughout this. She knew how hard my break-up was. Anyway, it’s a year and a half later and they are both single and now are sleeping together and “dating casually.”
I know their actions together have nothing to do with me. I just wonder — I thought it was uncool to hook up or date your friend’s ex. Am I overreacting? My heart feels broken over what someone I thought was a friend did.
— Brokenhearted in Brooklyn
Dear BiB,
Um, wait, we missed the part where their actions have nothing to do with you. Not true! She’s your close friend and he’s your long-time serious ex. Whether they admit it or not, when they bump uglies it has everything to do with you… at least, so long as it’s breaking your heart, it does. Especially if they’re doing it behind your back. So low!
Wise Guys: What Do Men Think About When They Fantasize?
Advice from three of our guy friends. A few weeks ago, one woman wanted to know “Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?” In his response, Max (one of our Single Straight Guys) said, “Trust me: You don’t want to do the things that we’re thinking about when masturbating.” So we wanted to know “What DO guys think about when they masturbate?” Ironically, of all three guys’ answers to this follow-up question, it’s Max’s that we thought was the most tame:
Straight Single Guy (Max): In order to masturbate, I have to have some kind of scenario in my head. It can be past experiences, girls that I’ve been with and (perhaps most often) girls that I want to be with. It might be the girl that was making eyes at me earlier in the day (though the likelihood is that I was making eyes at her and just misinterpreting her look of “what are you staring at?”) or perhaps stranger subjects, such as fictional girls from dreams, co-workers, or women that you might consider out of your age range but still attractive (there’s a reason that MILF is a household word). Oftentimes, the male mind is most interested in the forbidden. For instance, the girlfriend that wouldn’t try anal? It’s only going to happen in your head. Already have a girlfriend but have the hots for her friends? Save everyone the heartache. You really want to break into your workplace late at night and pour champagne all over each other and do it on your boss’s desk? You won’t get arrested if it’s just a dream. Bisexual fantasies? Go for it. Essentially, I view masturbation as a time for completely uncensored fantasy. Whatever comes to mind and turns me on, I go with it. And as far as girls’ fantasies go? I’m amazed when I talk to my girl friends and they all say that they don’t think about much of anything… just concentrating. Weird.
Gay Committed Guy (Mark): As a very private person who sticks to a fairly small collection of gay vanilla porn for solo gratification, the specifics of this one are probably out of my league. Fantasies are boundless and infinitely various — that’s sort of the point, right? — regardless of whether one is a man or a woman. (Although I’d like to ask Max, a.k.a. “you don’t want to know” what could be so bad. Violence? Unsanctioned excrement? Pets?) That said, some educated guesses as to what some straight guys might be thinking of while wanking:
1) Women who are not their wives/girlfriends.
2) Their wives/girlfriends doing really degrading stuff (see above).
3) Men.
Do It Tonight! Seduce Yourself
We know that masturbation feels like an easy lay, but just because you’re a sure thing, doesn’t mean you always have to treat yourself that way. Ladies: Light some candles, dim the lights, take a long bath (with a dirty Ducky, perhaps), pour yourself a glass of wine, moisturize your entire body, play that album you’d never admit actually turns you on, read the dirty parts of Anne Rice novels, watch gay porn, fantasize about the Fedex guy. Gentlemen, feel free to take a leisurely candle-lit bubble bath, too. But if that just sounds to you like a way to get pruny skin, then treat yourself to some new manly man lube instead (Gun Oil was actually developed by soldiers in the field, dude). And all of you: take your time and tease yourselves a little, would ya?
Dear Em & Lo: How Great Should First-Time Sex with a New Partner Be?
Dear Em and Lo,
I was married for 20 years and now I am not. I’m not crying in my soup (is that the term?). I’ve learned a lot about what makes for a crappy relationship and bad sex. And, thanks in large part to your articles and website, I have gained a sense of humor, sexual confidence and a pretty good idea about what makes for great sex and good relationships. I’m ready to give it all a go. I’ve dated a couple of guys since becoming single six months ago (the relationship was over long before it was over, so the grieving has been done). Recently, I met a guy that I have come to REALLY like. We’ve both expressed to each other in many ways, including some pretty suggestive and fun flirting, that we are really into getting to know each other even better.
So here’s the question: How great should the sex be the first time if I want this guy to stick around? Do I pull out all the stops? Should I plan on maybe just one of the little ideas we’ve flirted around? What about role-playing and/or dress-up the first time? I kind of wonder if I should steer things in the direction of just pure romance the first time, or is jumping right into what is fun for me — and apparently him too — a good idea? I feel pretty comfortable with my decision to not introduce any toys or gadgets the first time. But what if he suggests or comes up with one? Should I say that I’d prefer au natural at first and promise we’ll get to the toys on another occasion? Or, should I let him show me how creative he is and what he likes to do?
I might not have these questions if our circumstances were different but here’s the deal: His wife died, after a long illness, ten months ago. He was happy with her. He has dated a little but I’m pretty sure no or not much sex. I’m desperate for some great sex and a great connection. He’s really hot for me but has mentioned he wants to take things slowly, which, even though I’m itchin’, I think is a good idea. Still, I don’t want him to be disappointed once we finally do get around to it. I’d love to know what you think about this.
— (Almost) Back in the Saddle
Dear ABITS,
Okay, let’s get one thing straight before we go any further: This man is not going to be disappointed! You’re full of sexual confidence and excited to have fun in bed, you guys have great chemistry, and he probably hasn’t had sex in a loooooong time. Just plain old vanilla sex is going to melt him like butta! Chances are, in fact, he’s more nervous than you are (especially if he hasn’t had some good online friends regularly encouraging him like you have). So take a deep breath and just try to enjoy the fact that you’re about to have sex with your new crush. It’s been a loooooong time since you had sex with someone new, and half the fun of this is the anticipation!
Horny in Burbank? Meet Paul Jacoby, Penis Photographer
Have you ever wondered how the penis photography on the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist manages to be so uniformly grainy, forlorn, and badly lit? Whether the penis owner is sitting on his toilet or lounging on his couch next to a dirty sandal, it’s almost like he’s trying to depress the shit out of you (or maybe that’s just us). Well, wonder no more! FunnyorDie introduces us to Paul Jacoby, Craigslist Penis Photographer and Mickey Rourke super-fan (masterfully played by Bob Odenkirk of “Mr. Show” fame). “This might be the Casual Encounters section, but there’s nothing casual about what I do,” says Paul. “Need a hairy guy? That’s a human being. With a need.” His medium is “cock” and his work is “modern Americana folk art.” And he may well be a genius.
What’s Your Opinion on Baby Talk in the Bedroom?
Have You Ever Snooped on a Partner’s Email?
