15 Reasons Why Everyone Should Masturbate

Self-love won’t cure swine flu, but that’s pretty much the only shortcoming we can think of:

  1. Getting a grip on yourself helps teach you the pattern of your own sexual response: What you like, what you don’t like, and what you hate more than anything else in the whole wide world.
  2. Friggin’ your riggin’ helps you gain control over when and how soon you climax: Once you can recognize the point right before the point of no return, you can put on the brakes and avoid premature crashes.
  3. Polishing your china helps you sleep — right before a nap, or as part of your bedtime ritual.
  4. Playing with yourself is a great procrastination device/study break/boredom reliever. Way better than smoking or television.
  5. DIY sex puts a smile on your face by releasing endorphins. So self-administer a mercy fuck after (or better yet, during) a bad day at work.
  6. Jacking off can help kick-start a tired and listless sex drive.
  7. Southern comfort puts you first for a change (assuming you’re not usually a selfish bastard). Do something nice for yourself: Walk your hand home.
  8. Beating off evens the playing field when you want it more than your partner does. With the wave of a hand, presto: No more frustration!
  9. Doing the handstroke is a self-fulfilling prophecy; the more you do it (and the earlier you start doing it), the more likely you are to do it into your old age. That image might gross you out now, but wait till you’re seventy.
  10. Doing the hand jive is cheap and you’re easy, unlike most of your dates.
  11. Not jerking off at all, according to sexologists, is more likely to lead to psychological problems than jerking off incessantly. This is an about-face from the widespread Victorian belief that shaking the bacon would drive you nuts. So stop the insanity!
  12. Hand-to-gland combat gives you fresh breath. As long as you brush your teeth when you’re done.
  13. Testing the plumbing before a date helps keep your head in the game.
  14. Widespread wanking creates a more sensual world, adds to the supply of international karma, and thus brings us closer to world peace.
  15. Masturbation is the shortest distance between you and an orgasm. Need we say more?

And one extra one, just for the ladies — because, let’s face it, they’re the ones who need the most encouragement to masturbate more often:

16. Orgasms can help relieve menstrual cramps and PMS, and fight yeast infections by increasing blood flow to the pelvic area. That alone is a pretty good reason to learn how to flick the bean, and flick it well.


  1. That’s the only way you will know what you like and what your “hot button” is. If you don’t know how will you be able to tell you SO what sets you off? I think those that don’t masturbate and have bad sex they only have themselves to blame. Unless the SO is just selfish and don’t care.

  2. I started masterbating at 11yrs.old.ive always been premature ejackalation.i never had sex before marriage.me and my wife for years did it everyday.im 58 and still jerking sometimes 2 a day.my wife acts like she dont care about it no more hardly ever touches me.i ask her to let me rub her but no.i think she masterbates without me knowing.our sex life has been cyt 3/4 out.most of the time i cant touch nothing.i know this is wrong but sometimes i like to look at nude women with a hairy bush big titts.she hardly ever sleeps with me anymore.i love her.but after her menopause it went all to h_ll.sometimes i have to begg to touch it titts off limits.

  3. I started at the age of 3 why? And how did i start jerking off at such a young age i remember back then when i was doing my job that im the only one doing it and i felt not norqmal

  4. Ive been at it since the age of 12 least once a day. Sad thing is that even though in a relationship for 10 years still needing to and tbh I do it even more now out of pure frustration! Sometimes I wish I had gone with a girl with a sex drive..I hate having to ask/beg for sex I mean wtf…anyway all this frustration is making me want to wank again. Plese excjse my typimg fronm now kn as itd very hard to tyspe….zzzzzzzz

  5. ya know im a christian and believe i need someone to cuddle do things with but boy do i agree with alls said here all 15 and plus im starting to date now but boy does it help in self esteem to get it all out of my systen bladdertesticles so rock hard on im 52 been wanking as the brits say for 38 yrs do it more if i could diffinitly helps my accertiveness too get the word out really its became a hobby of mine sexual issues and rolationships hey god made us why deny it right john kinion 2

  6. her love is a drug so addicted to her it feels so awesome i lost interest in suicide and actually wanted to live forever because she made me feel so happy and good down there

  7. I seen some say they don’t do it.

    There are two types of people that do it.
    1) the ones that do it.
    2) the ones that lie about it.

  8. doing it will not cause blindness, green hairy palms nor forarms like popey.

    16. marriage may cause this also

    Sienfeld; Master of my domain

  9. My ex-wife threatened to take me to court to revoke my vistation rights when she discovered that I had told our two teenage sons that masturbation is totally normal and not something to be ashamed of. I further explained that, at least at this age, this is something for their private alone time and not something they need to discuss. My ex told the boys this is not something they were “allowed” to do as it is unnecessary, disgusting and showed a lack of self discipline and self respect. She further told them they would no longer be allowed to keep their bedroom doors closed. We’re not going to court because I’ve threatened to sue for full custody and both boys would rather live with me but she’s doing her best to transfer her sexual disfunction to them.

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