Wise Guys: What Do Men Think About When They Fantasize?

Advice from three of our guy friends. A few weeks ago, one woman wanted to know “Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?” In his response, Max (one of our Single Straight Guys) said, “Trust me: You don’t want to do the things that we’re thinking about when masturbating.” So we wanted to know “What DO guys think about when they masturbate?” Ironically, of all three guys’ answers to this follow-up question, it’s Max’s that we thought was the most tame:

Straight Single Guy (Max): In order to masturbate, I have to have some kind of scenario in my head. It can be past experiences, girls that I’ve been with and (perhaps most often) girls that I want to be with. It might be the girl that was making eyes at me earlier in the day (though the likelihood is that I was making eyes at her and just misinterpreting her look of “what are you staring at?”) or perhaps stranger subjects, such as fictional girls from dreams, co-workers, or women that you might consider out of your age range but still attractive (there’s a reason that MILF is a household word). Oftentimes, the male mind is most interested in the forbidden. For instance, the girlfriend that wouldn’t try anal? It’s only going to happen in your head. Already have a girlfriend but have the hots for her friends? Save everyone the heartache. You really want to break into your workplace late at night and pour champagne all over each other and do it on your boss’s desk? You won’t get arrested if it’s just a dream. Bisexual fantasies? Go for it. Essentially, I view masturbation as a time for completely uncensored fantasy. Whatever comes to mind and turns me on, I go with it. And as far as girls’ fantasies go? I’m amazed when I talk to my girl friends and they all say that they don’t think about much of anything… just concentrating. Weird.

Gay Committed Guy (Mark): As a very private person who sticks to a fairly small collection of gay vanilla porn for solo gratification, the specifics of this one are probably out of my league.  Fantasies are boundless and infinitely various — that’s sort of the point, right? — regardless of whether one is a man or a woman.  (Although I’d like to ask Max, a.k.a. “you don’t want to know” what could be so bad.  Violence?  Unsanctioned excrement?  Pets?) That said, some educated guesses as to what some straight guys might be thinking of while wanking:
1) Women who are not their wives/girlfriends.
2) Their wives/girlfriends doing really degrading stuff (see above).
3) Men.

Straight Married Guy (Ben): Guys’ fantasies fall into three distinct categories: The Unique, The Unfulfilled and The Unmentionable. The Unique are what women want us to fantasize about — previous sexual encounters, preferably with your current partner, that we’re reliving in our heads. Or, about one percent of our fantasies. The Unfulfilled are the things we really, really want but are mostly too chicken to ask for — the threesome with that hot couple at the bar last night, the cute intern, you and your sister, with or without us. This is about 60 percent. But then there’s that last 39 percent — The Unmentionables. These are the things that make us hot — we don’t know why — and are actually too out there even for us. This is the macho degradation porn. Or the animals. Or the three gigs of dwarves on the hard drive. It doesn’t make sense, especially to us. But you know what? Sometimes, it’s exactly what’s needed to get the job done.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com. Our Committed Gay Guy, Mark, is a writer and teacher in NYC and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England — both asked us to file them under “shy.” To ask the guys your own question, click here.


  1. My boyfriend and I recently moved in together and I have been finding crunchy wads of paper towels and noticed that the amount of sex we were having was down to once, maybe twice a week. I was concerned and brought it up to him. He assured me everything was fine. The following day I felt playful and decided to send some pics and videos of what I was doing at home. This was outside of my comfort zone, but it was fun and thought I’d try something different. It made me feel sexy and confident. Our sex life seemed to be back to our usual (sex or some version of sex daily). A coupleasure of days later I came home and walked into him masturbating in front of his computer. It made me feel deflated and confused. I thought that since we were back to our usual routine the need to masturbating wouldn’the be as much. Am I wrong in assuming that masturbating is a reflection of something I’m doing wrong, that our sex leaves him unsatisfied, or is a lack of attraction to me?

  2. First, “I’m so disgusted because I feel like if it’s real he wouldn’t have eyes on another woman so if I can’t fulfill his every need then we can’t be together…”

    And then, “…I don’t fantisize about men unless I’m masterbating…”

    Love it.

    1. When i watch porn and masterbate i want to only see the dick and pussy nothing else. Then i fantasize of my wife fucking another man i never think about me fucking another woman.. my ex and i had a few threesomes with other women and it was great. My present wife and i had threesomes with other mem and was freaking awesome..

    2. Maybe hes fantasizing about you and another man having sex.. many men have this fantasy and its normal… i used to watch porn and think of another man fucking my wife then i made it a reality. Once we were both totally comfortable with it our trust become invincible. Never worry about her running off cheating on me when all she has to do is say “hey baby, a threesome would be awesome” and then it happens.. two men on one chick is freaking awesome.. you can fick and watch live porn and feel it too..

  3. My ex boyfriend is in florida I’m in virginia and he’s away on work. I’m not happy with him being so far away and going out almost everyday, he told me he fantasizes about girls he sees in the bar I’m so disgusted because I feel like if it’s real he wouldn’t have eyes on another woman so if I can’t fulfill his every need then we can’t be together I need him to worship the ground I walk on as do I for him. Love stinks and I’m waiting until that ONE comes around cause I can’t do it so I broke it off with him. I don’t fantisize about men unless I’m masterbating I don’t go out and think about any man the bar and club is nowhere to find a man. Im more turned on by emotions u can look good but I never been boy crazy anyway my opinion is u can’t stop it, jus avoid it. Maybe find a real man who isn’t a pig and I’m on my journey.

  4. Randy, please look into the book “Surfing for God”. It is an excellent new book out to help Christians through their porn addictions. If ths is something you don’t think you need, then please think twice before calling yourself a true, Born Again, Christian. A real follower of Jesus, while definitely human, with absolute human failings, would not be proud of looking at porn. They would be asking the Holy Spirit to fill their souls and help them through this addiction. They also would be praying and reading the Bible regularly, in order to follow God’s will. It’s not that Christian’s don’t have these feelings or fail… but they do not consider it okay and the norm. They repent and continue to strive to do better to allow the Lord to live through them. And in the meantime, if we have a true heart about it, the Lord knows and forgives us fully with His incredible grace. This is Christian. Either get onboard or please stop making a mockery of it. Once you commit to Christ, you become an example and teacher, of sorts. More is expected of you. You will fail every day, no doubt; just don’t make it something you become comfortable with. To say you are Christian and continue to speak the way you do about porn and fantasies, is to lead people away from Jesus, not to Him. While it is through grace and not good works we are saved, we are to do our best for Him in this life to thank Him for all He has given us. That is how you can distinguish a true Christian from the poser next door. I truly wish you well and hope you seriously consider what I have said. God bless.

  5. As a single bloke the internet has enabled a whole new variety of fantasy.

    Back in the day I’d be lucky to find a copy of Penthouse under my dad’s bed, what a result!

    Now of course with the internet releasing any variety of random sexual imagery at will, I am free to have a different random fantasy every time, without the restraints of societal norms (I must not look at penises etc.) – maybe even introduce some illicit substances to my mind as well, to truly EXPLORE the realms of fantasy and sexual ecstacy.

    Don’t be shy now, it is just imaginary – just like the virtual reality xbox games etc.

    When finished, clear up and empty the cache & history (properly!) – within 3 minutes it is gone from your mind.

    So much more convenient than a needy girlfriend requiring attention, gifts & PDA – been there done that. After a few years it gets a bit much looking into the same face trying to imagine her younger face in the days. And it always progresses into the guy introducing the hardcore demeaning stuff from her, altho’ it seems they actually enjoy this (secretly as fantasy).

    Bloke, 40s & christian

  6. My boyfriend had a thing for me when we were very young but I never knew who he was back them. He tells me he fantasized about me since then throughout his whole life, even through his other girlfriends (who i believe he loved a lot when he was with them). I like him for a lot of reasons of course but knowing that I was the object of his fantasy for so long definitely drew me to him in a way I can’t explain and it kind of reassures that he is not looking for anything too much outside of our sexual relationship. It’s nice being the fantasy and the reality I guess.

  7. I could deal with the high-horse tone and the demonization, Judy, except that a lot of the time the person claiming moral superiority totally would do, or has done, x y or z themselves.

  8. Johnny some great points on this subject. I would also like to add that I’m getting very tired of so many women demonizing male sexuality-there is a tone of moral superiority to it all-we are better than you because we would never do x y or z. Men and women are different-I think we can all agree on that.

  9. I was talking to a woman who worried her boyfriend thought of other women and wasn’t convinced that “men are wired that way”. This is what I told her:

    Your boyfriend has no control over who he’s attracted to. He can only control his response to that attraction, so if you trust him, that’s really the most you can ask for. There is no way for you to change his wiring. It’s mean to try, and you’ll drive yourself nuts. Plus, there’s really nothing wrong with him. He’s not cheating on you – that’s your emotional knee-jerk feeling, but that’s not what he’s doing. Don’t let your feelings make a villain out of him. You either need to find a man who isn’t wired that way, or come to terms with masculine sexuality.

    Personally I’d recommend coming to terms with it, because finding a man who is never attracted to other women will be difficult, and because seeking out such a man leaves you vulnerable to that pesky Group 3 – the liar who will tell you whatever you want to hear. They’re the ones who crush you the hardest in the end, ’cause you believed them and never saw it coming.

    If I had to guess I’d say you’re young and early in your sex life. The way you feel is how I felt when I was young and new to my sex life. It turned my stomach to think of my girl with another man. Feeling that way was bad for me mentally and emotionally, and it caused me to act like an asshole. Basically insecurity was at the root of it all. Once I tackled that problem, my revulsion with my partners’ previous and subsequent sex lives vanished.

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