Advice from three of our guy friends. A few weeks ago, one woman wanted to know “Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?” In his response, Max (one of our Single Straight Guys) said, “Trust me: You don’t want to do the things that we’re thinking about when masturbating.” So we wanted to know “What DO guys think about when they masturbate?” Ironically, of all three guys’ answers to this follow-up question, it’s Max’s that we thought was the most tame:
Straight Single Guy (Max): In order to masturbate, I have to have some kind of scenario in my head. It can be past experiences, girls that I’ve been with and (perhaps most often) girls that I want to be with. It might be the girl that was making eyes at me earlier in the day (though the likelihood is that I was making eyes at her and just misinterpreting her look of “what are you staring at?”) or perhaps stranger subjects, such as fictional girls from dreams, co-workers, or women that you might consider out of your age range but still attractive (there’s a reason that MILF is a household word). Oftentimes, the male mind is most interested in the forbidden. For instance, the girlfriend that wouldn’t try anal? It’s only going to happen in your head. Already have a girlfriend but have the hots for her friends? Save everyone the heartache. You really want to break into your workplace late at night and pour champagne all over each other and do it on your boss’s desk? You won’t get arrested if it’s just a dream. Bisexual fantasies? Go for it. Essentially, I view masturbation as a time for completely uncensored fantasy. Whatever comes to mind and turns me on, I go with it. And as far as girls’ fantasies go? I’m amazed when I talk to my girl friends and they all say that they don’t think about much of anything… just concentrating. Weird.
Gay Committed Guy (Mark): As a very private person who sticks to a fairly small collection of gay vanilla porn for solo gratification, the specifics of this one are probably out of my league. Fantasies are boundless and infinitely various — that’s sort of the point, right? — regardless of whether one is a man or a woman. (Although I’d like to ask Max, a.k.a. “you don’t want to know” what could be so bad. Violence? Unsanctioned excrement? Pets?) That said, some educated guesses as to what some straight guys might be thinking of while wanking:
1) Women who are not their wives/girlfriends.
2) Their wives/girlfriends doing really degrading stuff (see above).
3) Men.
Straight Married Guy (Ben): Guys’ fantasies fall into three distinct categories: The Unique, The Unfulfilled and The Unmentionable. The Unique are what women want us to fantasize about — previous sexual encounters, preferably with your current partner, that we’re reliving in our heads. Or, about one percent of our fantasies. The Unfulfilled are the things we really, really want but are mostly too chicken to ask for — the threesome with that hot couple at the bar last night, the cute intern, you and your sister, with or without us. This is about 60 percent. But then there’s that last 39 percent — The Unmentionables. These are the things that make us hot — we don’t know why — and are actually too out there even for us. This is the macho degradation porn. Or the animals. Or the three gigs of dwarves on the hard drive. It doesn’t make sense, especially to us. But you know what? Sometimes, it’s exactly what’s needed to get the job done.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com. Our Committed Gay Guy, Mark, is a writer and teacher in NYC and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England — both asked us to file them under “shy.” To ask the guys your own question, click here.
I agree with the above. My husband has never thought of having sex with others even during masturbation. We met online and because we spent a lot of time apart he always thought of me since we couldn’t have each other as often as we wanted. He says to him even thinking of looking at another girl and thinking “I’d like to … her” feels like cheating. I don’t know why men out there think its normal to think of other women and check them out in that way. Not all men are like that after marriage. Some have morals.
‘Men are hardwired this way’!!!! Really? Maybe for a single/dating man, all this is acceptable. Once you bring ‘Marriage’ into it, vows and dedication to ONE person are the meaning! At this point, everything should be done to make the sexual experience about each other! Communication about your needs, whether day-to-day or SEXUAL should be understood and embraced! Reading this makes me regret getting married! I feel locked in to a sexual zone that revolves around my husband, but he gets to have his cake and eat it too! THEN DON’T GET MARRIED! Stay single and do whatever you want!
And yes, masturbation for a lot of women entails a major focus on the feeling. Don’t forget, most women will masturbate slowly and make it count. Most men race to the finish line!
LOL at Britt’s comments! There was this one woman I knew who was just a total beyotch to me so I would fantasize about her boyfriend. I didn’t even like him. I just figured, that’s good revenge, pretend your boyfriend is going down on me and stuff. And then when I’d see her, I’d think, your boyfriend just gave me an orgasm this morning. It was great psychological revenge.
But when i need to fantazise in order to masturbate i make sure i fantasize off as many men and women as i can in the litle time it take me to climax, . . . .I think of obama. My ex when he used to pull my hair and bite me. I think of my coworkers. And girls going down on me.
T i love your comment. Seems like you know how to enjoy your fantasies without having to sacrifice or destroy the closeness and unity of ur sexual intimasy with ur wife or women. I know my ex use to fancy a lot of women through out the day. But when we made love i felt like i was taken to another world where only me and him existed. No one else but just the two of us.
I would say that i can masturbate without having to fantisize when im ovulating. all i do is focus and concentrate on prolonging the sensation. its all starts with me feeling hot and moist down there for no aparent reasons. During the time im not ovulating i have a hard time masturbating and getting aroused so i have to fantisize about whatever turns me on some times i have too watch taboo sex to get arouse.
Never said he was obligated. This is just what he told me he did. Him watching porn interfered with our sex life. He hasn’t watched it in a couple months. He made that decision. He respected me enough and valued our marriage and sex life more than him watching it. He only watched it because he thought he wasn’t satisfying me and in his head he could. As I’ve said, we no longer watch it and our sex life has been better than when we dated and that was GREAT! Now it’s better than ever, even though we have a three month old. As far as the masturbation, that stopped due to medical reasons mainly.
Gee, jacq I’m glad That I’m not married to you. Talk about control freak! Your husband in NOT obligated-repeat-not obligated to think about you ever time he masturbates. Believe it or not, it isn’t even about you when he pleasures himself. 99 percent indeed!
My husband says he thinks of me 99.9% of the time he masturbates. He says he thinks of taboo things or scenarios. As a maid, his boss, sex in his office, etc. he says the other .1% is of other porn stars or someone’s body parts he finds appealing. He says when he is about to come he can’t help but think of me. Even if it starts off as him thinking of someone/something else. The reason I know all this is because we opened up to each other about everything in our relationship. I know he has been 100% honest with me (even though some of it hurt) and I with him. Turns out, him looking at porn and me bringing it into the bedroom Hirt our sex life. Although he always thought of me while having sex. He has never been able to imagine himself with anyone else during sex. While masturbating he thought of others but not full on sex fantasies. That was only with me. I know he’s been honest because I’ve been honest about me thinking of exes or his friends. We used to talk to each other about fantasies (threesomes, me with other men while he watched) all the time. We now only talk about fantasies about each other. I must say, our sex life has never been better than ever and we’ve been together six years and married for four. We have a deeper love for each other and a deeper connection. We have been having sex up to eight times a week and it has all been great! He lasts longer too. He no longer masturbates (due to medical and religious reasons) and he too feels better for not doing it. He has more energy and feels better all around. So to you people out there, fantasizing and looking at pirn although can be great at the time, there is nothing better than to just look into each others eyes, having that connection and not saying a word to each other sometimes during sex. My husband didn’t think of others a lot anyway and neither did I. Now that he doesn’t he feels more love for me and better connected. The bible says that a man who lusts after another woman, has already committed adultery in his heart. To God, thinking of killing a man is just as bad as doing it.
Some of these comments make me laugh. The reason why a lot of guys dont say anything about fantasizing while they masterbate is because of the flack that he gets at home. By that I mean look at some of these comments. “it makes me feel inadequate, or aren’t I enough, or is it too much to ask for him to think of his wife only” The answer to all these questions is yes it is too much to ask…and the reason being is men are hard wired this way, they see something and they get horny. Men are visual creatures. I my self almost alway masterbate to something or someone I have seen. I do however NEVER sleep with my wife and fantisize about anyone else.
I disagree with the female-focus hypothesis up there….. yeah, when I just want an orgasm, and I’ve had a long day, I may get to work with my eyes closed and nothing going on. But the rest of the time I’m sitting on my boyfriend’s face, in public, while his ex watches. Or I’m having creepy anonymous sex with a stranger, or sex in an office….. the list goes on.
Dude… animals….. that just got a little too bizarre. I don’t think my man would turn me on anymore if I caught him jerkin it to a horse.
I’m a female and I fantasize when I do the deed. Honestly, that is the only way I can get off. just touching doesn’t cut it for me. I think of celebrities, crushes, or hot guy friends. It’s more of a psychological thing though. I need them to have a personality in my fantasies (not necessarily a good one, just a hot one).
I keep thinking about one of my close guy friends. I think of doing things to him and him doing things to me. Some are pretty kinky. it’s what gets me off. Sometimes I fantasize about him jacking off to me and that gets me going. I’m a hot babe, it’s possible that he does… oops, got to go, something just came up…
^ Not a gender thing, I think. That’s the same advice I’d give to men about women.
Just some words from the wise. I am let’s say 40 something and still pretty hot I must say. I’ve been married for 10 years to a godly man. We have beautiful children, house and good jobs. My husband and I are very open about our thoughts. ALL men struggle with “visual temptation” when it comes to other women. Men loving their wives has nothing to do with them cheating of lusting after other women. As painful as it is, it is how men are wired. Men put in a situation with another woman they are highly or not attracted to in a sexual manner for instance (in a room alone with a naked woman) they will act on it or have to run away. Trust me they want run. So women it comes to a man in my opinion they all cheat at some point in their relationships. Just accept it and keep yourself straight or whatever makes you feel good about yourselve.
The reason most men don’t talk about fantasies is because it would insult the girl (or guy). In my opinion atleast.