Advice from three of our guy friends. A few weeks ago, one woman wanted to know “Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?” In his response, Max (one of our Single Straight Guys) said, “Trust me: You don’t want to do the things that we’re thinking about when masturbating.” So we wanted to know “What DO guys think about when they masturbate?” Ironically, of all three guys’ answers to this follow-up question, it’s Max’s that we thought was the most tame:
Straight Single Guy (Max): In order to masturbate, I have to have some kind of scenario in my head. It can be past experiences, girls that I’ve been with and (perhaps most often) girls that I want to be with. It might be the girl that was making eyes at me earlier in the day (though the likelihood is that I was making eyes at her and just misinterpreting her look of “what are you staring at?”) or perhaps stranger subjects, such as fictional girls from dreams, co-workers, or women that you might consider out of your age range but still attractive (there’s a reason that MILF is a household word). Oftentimes, the male mind is most interested in the forbidden. For instance, the girlfriend that wouldn’t try anal? It’s only going to happen in your head. Already have a girlfriend but have the hots for her friends? Save everyone the heartache. You really want to break into your workplace late at night and pour champagne all over each other and do it on your boss’s desk? You won’t get arrested if it’s just a dream. Bisexual fantasies? Go for it. Essentially, I view masturbation as a time for completely uncensored fantasy. Whatever comes to mind and turns me on, I go with it. And as far as girls’ fantasies go? I’m amazed when I talk to my girl friends and they all say that they don’t think about much of anything… just concentrating. Weird.
Gay Committed Guy (Mark): As a very private person who sticks to a fairly small collection of gay vanilla porn for solo gratification, the specifics of this one are probably out of my league. Fantasies are boundless and infinitely various — that’s sort of the point, right? — regardless of whether one is a man or a woman. (Although I’d like to ask Max, a.k.a. “you don’t want to know” what could be so bad. Violence? Unsanctioned excrement? Pets?) That said, some educated guesses as to what some straight guys might be thinking of while wanking:
1) Women who are not their wives/girlfriends.
2) Their wives/girlfriends doing really degrading stuff (see above).
3) Men.
Straight Married Guy (Ben): Guys’ fantasies fall into three distinct categories: The Unique, The Unfulfilled and The Unmentionable. The Unique are what women want us to fantasize about — previous sexual encounters, preferably with your current partner, that we’re reliving in our heads. Or, about one percent of our fantasies. The Unfulfilled are the things we really, really want but are mostly too chicken to ask for — the threesome with that hot couple at the bar last night, the cute intern, you and your sister, with or without us. This is about 60 percent. But then there’s that last 39 percent — The Unmentionables. These are the things that make us hot — we don’t know why — and are actually too out there even for us. This is the macho degradation porn. Or the animals. Or the three gigs of dwarves on the hard drive. It doesn’t make sense, especially to us. But you know what? Sometimes, it’s exactly what’s needed to get the job done.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com. Our Committed Gay Guy, Mark, is a writer and teacher in NYC and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England — both asked us to file them under “shy.” To ask the guys your own question, click here.
My husband has admitted to having fantasies about just about every woman he’s ever crossed paths with, down to the cashiers at the grocery store. All of them are butt ugly. At first he lied and said he only fantasized about me. HA what a load of crap. I only fantasize about one person, and that’s the other guy in my life that I’m on love with (Not my husband).
sandy… i too see it as cheating. but in addition to that… it makes me feel crappy cause obviously what they have in front of them isnt enough for them. but society is a the culprit. i know a girl who took her 13 yr old and his friends to tilt n skilt…. slutier girls than hooters… for his freaking birthday…. SERIOUSLY? wth is wrong with people? same girl bought him the play boy lindsay lohan edition for christmas…. or the women who take their men to strip clubs cause she wants to make him happy? i love my man and i want to do everything to make him happy…. but NOT if it is going to make me feel like shit. i respect him and i want the same. that isnt too much to ask for.
Im a 23yr old sexually active female. ..Interestsingly enough although i like sex i like to masturbate even more…even though Im a straight female i fantasize about sleeping with other women or my boyfriend sleeping with another woman. I know what ur thinking this girl is not straight…trust me i tried the whole bi thing not exactly my thing…what turns me on is the enjoyment my boyfriend would get out of it. Sometimes I’ll try to pick out a girl for us and he always avoids the topic…do men that love their girlfriends not want a threesom…he’s had a threesom before and said he liked it but when it come to me he doesn’t even want to discuss it.
One of the fantasies that I share often with my wife is the body of her ex boyfriend, I continually find myself mentioning him and his body to my wife during sex and it is so amazing what it does for her (and me), she has cum over 20 times in about 30 minutes while i do this. It creates the greatest sexual expereience every time. Not to mention he is a really hot guy and could probably give anyone an orgasm just by looking at him.
Here is my thought…your (I hope!) ex was looking for pointers on how to covertly act out with your daughters in the future.
I hope you left in time!
I have recently discovered that my boyfriend of 2 years searched out step-dad/step-daughter porn on the internet. I have two beautiful daughters, one is nine and the other is 13. I have since moved out and I am completely crushed. Any thoughts?
I agree with Christal. I think that there are men out there who are completely fulfilled by their partners to the point where they don’t need to fantasize with anyone other than their partner.
I’v spent the past two hours reading articles about things like this and I find it rather sad but for the most part these guys aren’t lying. Most men do fantasize about other women. Why is it you think 95% of relationships don’t last longer then a year nevermind make it to marriage? I have dated several men that were all quite open about their fantasies. I don’t care who you are, how old you are, or whatever unless you yourself do the same thing of course it would be disgusting to find out your partner is thinking about someone else. I myself am a 22 year old female and been with a guy now for quite a while. He’s the first guy I’v completely trusted with everything and there’s a reason for it. I remember one night when we were living at his parents house in separate rooms he came in my room and looked like he was going to cry. He admitted to me he dreamed he was cheating on me. He felt like total crap about it. If it was to happen again I’m sure I’d be the first to know. He just held me after telling me I’m sure wondering what I was going to say. I had a mix of emotions run through me. First was being disgusted. Then offended. I wanted to pull back but the more I thought about it the more I loved him for it. He loves me and only me. He doesn’t want or need to think about anyone else. That is the ultimate satisfaction. To know you are so connected with your partner that they feel this way. I myself have never dreamed or fantasized about anyone or anything but him. Even now that I’m home alone I myself from time to time masterbate. But it’s always about past experiences or things I wish he would have done a little bit differently. Not other people. This is what creates perfect bliss. I’v come home from work to him telling me he masterbated and as soon as I’m there he’s looking me up and down. I know what he was thinking and I love it. There is nothing wrong with loving someone so completely and although most guys would say thats “weird”. I would call it rare. In a society where women walk around half naked 24-7 and it’s pretty much considered ok to cheat or to think about it these sort of men are just rare. Morals are hard to find. It’s a fact. I’m in love and forever will be. No one can take that from me. Do you know how good it feels to go places with him and not see him check out the obviously gorgeous woman that just walked by? That makes me feel like a queen. So just a tip for those of you out there that completely disagree. It’s the little things that make a huge difference in the over all emotional connection you and your lover have.
I stumbled upon this and had to respond. Speaking for men. We all fantasize about other women irregardless to the attractiveness of our partner and our commitment. Remember it is fantasy and not reality. We don’t act on it for many different fears. Some fantasies are with our partners doing taboo things whether anal, threesome with another woman, etc. Some are watching her with another woman or masterbating. As far as with other women it is usually something slutty and some scenario we dreamed up whether office sex, with the massage therapist, an attractive hotel maid, the hot milf that wants to use us for her pleasure, the two female roommates who live nearby, or something that almost happened in the past but never did. Such as my bestfriends mother made a pass at me once, a female married acquaintance one time answered her door in a short t-shirt and nothing else. She still invited me in and her nipples were visible. She also tried to pick up things off the floor while at the same time trying to hold her t-shirt from sliding up too far. it wasn’t working. Not long after that when talking to me she would invade proximity, make compliments and touch me alot. It is scenarios like this that happen that we often wonder about if we had acted on it but didn’t due to certain codes of conduct. And then one time my partners former best friend who faded away was very drunk one night. She kept joking around about a threesome and pinching my butt in front of my partner. I was very embarrassed at the time and the two kept laughing seeing me sweat. I asked my partner later if she would ever do a threesome and she said absolutely not we were just having fun with you. Yet I still wonder.
Ladies, it isn’t a big deal. It has no impact on the relationship, (well, unless that’s a good one) I can attest to that, as my Man and I have been together longer than a good number of you have been alive.
We both, as normal people, sometimes fantasize about other people, when you have sex with the same person, day in and day out, it is normal to fantasize. Also, some people can’t reach climax without a little fantasy.
ALL men do this, and I would be nearly all sexually mature women do it. It’s just part of life. I often DO think about my Man while we are making love, but often I think of other people (often it isn’t even a real person, just an idea) and he also does. Sometimes we will share what we are thinking about and sometimes we won’t. It has NO bad effects on the relationship, as we have withstood decades together.
In fact, I would like to say that trying to CONTROL what your partner thinks about during sex is very dangerous to the relationship. What goes on in HIS mind is HIS business and same for you.
It is NOT “cheating.” It’s just play. Don’t you every Play during sex? You don’t pretend to be other people, or engage in scenes? You never fantasize about more than one guy at a time? Or even the occasion girl? That’s just normal. I can’t imagine how boring sex might eventually be (or at least conventional and clinical) if it were the same every time. Maybe this idea (not being “allowed” to fantasize) it the reason so many of the other women my age (over 35) have virtually STOPPED having sex with their partners. It just got stale and old and predictable and BORING.
I also think that either of you trying to control your thoughts during sex is damaging not only to the sex, but to the entire relationship. YOU don’t get to have that kind of power over your man. He doesn’t have it over you, either. It is a good way to destroy a relationship. Get a good decade in with your man and get back to me. When a relationships lasts NOBODY has “control” over an other in such a manipulative way. (At least not if both of you are emotionally healthy.) Good relationships have a lot of play and a LOT of tolerance in them.
If it bothers you that much, DON’T ask him. Because he IS fantasizing, so you can either have him lie, or have him tell the truth and then feel bad for a perfectly normal activity.
It doesn’t have to do with “how good” or how “good looking” you are, all people crave variety and fantasy can fill that need WITHOUT cheating.
After you have been having sex for more than just a couple of years, you’ll know what I mean.
well said Kirsten.. Whatever goes in in a guys head should be no threat to a relationship unless he either a)acts on it or b) you make such a fuss over what ultimately are thoughts he has no control over that you drive him away anyway. If a guy is comfortable enough with you to reveal his innermost thoughts then a) is very unlikely unless you go all b) on him.. ;0)
To ‘Katie’ and ‘Sassy Sarah,’ I’m the same in terms of body type and just a tad younger than you both, but I just wanted to throw in my two cents that there are guys in our age bracket that are looking for commitment. You’re just probably not gonna find them in the usual places that girls our age seem to like picking up guys– bars, gyms, the mall. But they’re out there, it just takes time and the willingness to build a friendship, first and foremost 🙂
Anyway, any decent, well-grounded guy will understand that his fantasies are just that. If a man/woman splits up a perfectly good relationship to hook up with another person, fantasizing is probably the last thing to blame. More likely it’s immaturity or callousness or any myriad other things.
And don’t focus on why someone should be with you because you’re a ‘dream girl’ with a perfect body. If that’s why you think he should be with you… he probably shouldn’t! Physical attraction has its place in any relationship, even one night stands. So look further and focus on your honesty, your openness, your trust. Is it your humor, your supporting nature, your unselfishness, your intelligence that makes you unique? Cultivate those gems of your personality instead of falling prey to self-doubt or insecurity. If you simply talk openly to each other– including about your fantasies– you’ll be doing way more for your relationship than your 34D’s ever could 😉
And back to fantasies… I would presume that men with no intentions of settling down fantasize just as much as men who are happily married. It’s not the defining benchmark of one’s personality, and if it makes one less fit for marriage– well, I’ve definitely broken that rule!
To the ladies who are worried about their partner’s mental escapades, try not to make your boyfriend’s fantasizing about you– because it’s not. Men and women, we all like variety to some degree. Fantasizing is the healthy way to achieve that balance. Just like no one person can be *everything* for another, it’s silly and unfair to expect that your partner should be able to fulfill your every sexual desire and whim. Would *you* really want that responsibility? Brad Pitt is with a woman who many would consider the most beautiful in the world– but you can bet your ass he has fantasies, just like the rest of us.
Think about it. Some women can’t orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone, and there are plenty who can’t climax without the stimulation that only a vibrator can provide. Should this then make their lovers feel inferior? Of course not! It’s no fault of their partner. Similarly, many men and women probably have difficulty getting aroused or even can’t orgasm without that added mental stimulation of a fantasy. Why should that be a punishable offense?
I say all this because I’ve been with my husband for two and a half years, and we have been pretty open about our fantasies with one another; sometimes it’s lead to us acting them out, sometimes just to discussion, but it’s a very valuable experience and it also builds a lot of trust in a relationship. I’m sure he has some fantasies he won’t ever tell me, and I know I have a few I won’t be sharing with him, but it’s perfectly all right to keep some things personal as long as that trust is there. Fantasies ought to be viewed as something valuable, not harmful.
I would never, ever consider it cheating, regardless of who the fantasy is about. I think it’s paramount to feel comfortable and free inside your own mind. If anything, making someone feel that they can’t even have *mental* freedom when they’re with you will kill a relationship faster than any fantasy ever could.
Fantasies are an important part of our sexuality and I think it’s a shame that many people feel ashamed to have them. They’re a wonderful part of being human and having desires, so enjoy it. Love is far too important a thing to be taken so seriously.
I’m sorry, but I can’t stand the thought of my husband fantasizing about someone else. To me, that’s the same as cheating–which is why I don’t do it. I don’t feel like it’s wrong for me to ask that of him. I mean, is it really that difficult to think about your wife? If it is, then you should have never gotten married, as the lifestyle apparently doesn’t suit you.
well me and my boyfriend have been together for going on 2 years now and i sometimes fantasies about things, but i mean just because i do it dose it mean he dose too?? i mean i never really think about anyone in general just what i would like done to me while im in the act, i have never fantised about a man or any one in general but it kinda worrys me if he is doing the same thing but placeing the face with the name if ya know what i mean, i dont really feel bad for what i do cause it dosnt mean anything but ive always been self consiouse on if i can please a man or not. any advise?