Your Call: Trust Issues That Are 20 Years Old

Dear Em & Lo,

I dated a guy 20 years ago for about 8 months and he recently found me online. We broke up originally because of me, I was 19 and really thought that I was in love with the guy I cheated on him with. I had a child with the guy I cheated with.

Here I am 20 years on, we both have been married and divorced, and I never thought our paths would ever cross again and we have now been dating now for 4 months and it’s unbelievable. I honestly don’t know why I ever let him go, he’s a great guy, and, I won’t lie, the sex is beyond and above what I remember (WOW).

My thing is, I know he doesn’t trust me and I can totally understand that, but I am truly in love with this guy. I kind of feel like my feelings for him never disappeared. He doesn’t believe that when I tell him because he asks me all the time how can I love him so much, but should I be worried? I know trust is everything but he’s told me that he isn’t 100% with me yet, and I would do anything for this guy, and I mean anything… Do I wait? Do I say no way and let it go? I’m not the same person I was 20 years ago….

— The One Who Got Away

What should The One Who Got Away do? Can this relationship be saved, or are trust issues that are 20 years in the making too much to get beyond? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


  1. OMG – I learned my lesson NEVER go back, only bad things can happen! Shut the door, lock it, build a brick wall!

  2. ^^ Come to think of it, as I said in the “virgins” posts, there’s no way I’d “buy the cow” UNLESS I got a little taste of the milk up front!

    Mmmm…. milk…

  3. “observer” that was a pretty mean post. If this couple made love in the past or the present, HE did the same thing, at the same speed which SHE did. How does that make HER “Easy?”

    There is NOTHING I HATE as much as the STUPID, PATRIARCHAL, MISOGYNIST bullshit “analogy” “He won’t buy the cow if he can get the milk for free.” Those who use this “analogy” ASSume that women “give” sex and men “take.” They also assume that, for women, sex is only a Commodity, a means of getting “other things” from a man. Not a means of mutual enjoyment. (I also suspect that people who use this analogy either do not know how to enjoy sex, and/or do not have much of it themselves. Otherwise, why get SO upset when other people are obviously having sex and enjoying it?)

    observer, NEWS FLASH, HEALTHY women enjoy sex as much as healthy men do. In good sex, BOTH partners “Give” and “Take” at the same time. Some refer to it as SHARING. (Is this even part of your lexicon? Or do you only speak in outdated, ridiculous, woman hating cliches?) YOU can’t understand this, so you call this woman “easy.”

    Time for a re-education, observer. It might actually benefit you, when make your “observations” of other women’s actions more realistic and may result in your own life being a little richer. And, your relationships with your chosen partners can only improve.

    I call of for a FULL MORATORIUM on the “Cow, milk, farmer, free” analogy for sex. It;s outdated, it’s misogynist, it’s….stupid. It isn’t even a good analogy. Can we do that?

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