Comments of the Week: To Bed or Not to Bed on a First Date? That Is STILL the Question

MVPs Dave & Johnny faced off in the comments of our recent Your Call, “Does Sex on a First Date Really Ruin Your Chances at a Relationship?” (Some of the following exchange has been edited for concision):

DAVE:

In that moment of passion it might not appear to make a difference BUT we all have active imaginations.

It’s not that hard for most guys to go…Hmmm, I wonder if she fucked another guy last night? How many guys in the last month has she fucked? Can I really be special if she bangs guys so quickly and easily? How do I “measure up” to those other guys?

Understand this…people don’t like to be hurt. It’s much easier to suddenly find yourself place on the booty call list when you sleep with someone so quickly. Your casual attitude towards sex makes you seem less like relationship material. This all comes down to the guy not wanting to be emotionally hurt.

A great book to read is “Men Chase, Women Choose”. It’s in a man’s DNA to chase. What someone puts effort into, has to work for, is something a man appreciates. When it comes too easily it has no value. This often applies to many things in life and not just women and sex. Something given to you often doesn’t have the same value and something you’ve worked hard to earn.

EM & LO:

It would seem the other guys on this thread contradict your theory. We’re always wary of the “Men Are From Mars…” approach. Sure, some people, women included, like the chase and want to feel they’ve worked for a person’s affection. Others feel that if two people really connect right off the bat, why play games and wait to do something they’ll both enjoy just because of some arbitrarily prudish dating rules. Seems more cultural than biological.

DAVE:

I would not call what I’m talking about being a “prudish dating rule”. I think everyone in a relationship wants to feel “special” to their partner. I’m just pointing out that many people struggle with their partners past. Look up retroactive jealously; look at the comments on the “last partner had a big cock” thread; what you’ll see is that people struggle with these types of issues. Feeling like you’re just “next” doesn’t make for a promising start to a relationship.

This works for both men and women. No woman wants to feel she’s a notch on some guy’s belt.

What it comes down to is….do you want to find and build a quality relationship or do you just want to fuck!? All I’m pointing out is how most men view the world. I work in an alpha male environment and when you jump into bed with a guy you’re now just fuckmeat, you don’t have much value beyond that.

Not fair? Double standard? For sure, but like I said….just offering your reader my perspective.

[And] I really have to take exception to your statement: “why play games”. Is it game play to wait until you know someone better? Is it game playing to wait until you can be sure of another person’s intentions? Is it game playing to place a “value” upon yourself? This world is being reduced to swipe left or swipe right. Don’t think about your actions, don’t consider any consequences, just do what feels good in the moment.

People would do well to study brain science in order to better understand why we do the things we do. How our brain process information and makes decisions. Study the prefrontal cortex and see how it is not fully formed until our mid 20’s….which is why young people make such stupid choices and decisions in their life.

JOHNNY:

So you’re a neuroscientist now? Come on, stop it. You’re just a guy with a serious case of Madonna/whore complex. Don’t “study brain science” us.

It seems that sex is a big important deal to you, and you prefer a woman who feels the same way you do. That’s fine. Many people feel the way you do. Shared values make for better relationships. Sex is one of those issues where partners MUST be on the same page, otherwise, like you said, hurt feelings, I’m-not-special insecurities, etc.

You say, “It’s not that hard for most guys to go…Hmmm, I wonder if she fucked another guy last night? How many guys in the last month has she fucked? Can I really be special if she bangs guys so quickly and easily? How do I “measure up” to those other guys…This all comes down to the guy not wanting to be emotionally hurt.”

Well, some of us can handle that, bruh. I kind of pop a boner imagining the woman I’m with acting all slutty in the past. Sex isn’t ultra-sacred to me. I’ve stuck it in women just for fun. I also prefer a relationship based on shared values! I want a woman who’s like me.

I wasn’t born this way, Dave. I was once a jealous and insecure young man. I couldn’t stand the idea that other guys had fucked my special snowflake girlfriend. I couldn’t stand the idea that the woman who was so special to me was some douche’s half-remembered one-night-stand. I desperately wanted her to tell me that all the sex she had before me was a regrettable mistake.

Know what the root of all that was? Insecurity and scarcity mentality. As soon as I came into my own as a womanizer – as soon as the world of sexual abundance that women enjoy opened up to me too – all that cleared right up. Once I became one of the well-laid people, I ceased to resent them. Funny how that works.

One last thought, Dave: women lie about sex. They lie their hot ASSES off about it. But not to me. They lie to guys like you. They lie because they face the sort of judgement and criticism you’re ready to heap upon them. This is another thing you learn when you go from sexless chump to well-laid man: there’s a whole world female sexuality you just aren’t privy to when your mind is closed and full of judgement. They smell it on you and they lie so you don’t scorn and shame them. With an attitude like yours, you’ll never really get to know your own partner. If I spent ten minutes with your girlfriend, Dave, I could get her to giggle and confess to me things she’d NEVER in a million years tell you. I promise you that.