Wise Guys: Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer?

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. You can see so many examples of people just having a lot in common and being horny as hell at sites that have some exciting mature porn videos. These horny gay couples seem to just click after a while. This is why we see so many videos of the same gay couples on those mature porn sites. Their communication is bang on. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them. You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,'” even when you’d rather not wait? Men get that too. Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway. Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway? Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.

Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential. What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in! So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


  1. It’s depends on the three things. Is the man mature? Generally we don’t grow up at all until 30! All women can figure that out within a few questions. If the man is a man, does he respect women and see them as equals? You can’t go by our confidence, body language or what we say. If we have you interested, we learned to fake it to get laid more than a decade ago. To find out if we have grown beyond using women, Talk to another guy friendly to get his reaction. If he is pissed or all over you after that, forget it. He’s still a player. Finally, how drunk were you and how drunk was he when you connected. How drunk are both of you now? Make the decision before your passed buzzed and stick to it. If he is in a couple of drinks too deep, wait! Men and women make wrong decisions quick when wasted and can cross a line in the others eyes too soon and too easily when we are too drunk!

    1. yes I just has sex on the first date. we are both in our 40s. no we were no drunk. did not even drink that that night. watching the Yankees first lead to making out then lead to sex. yeah we have been texting for about 3 weeks. the night before got really intimate. knew we were going to make out, we had a deep connection. we were both into each other, it was one of the best sex I ever had. and I dated a lot of Hispanic guys. yes and he did text me that night for at least 30 minutes. second date is planned and sex is planned also,

  2. I had sex with my husband (we recently got married) on our first date! The attraction was crazy … I can say the same about atleast two of my friends. I used to go by “The Rules” about dating and finding a man to marry but they are not cast in stone.

  3. My husband and I saved our first time until our wedding night. One of the best decisions we EVER made. I am so glad that we can tell our future kids that we have never been with anyone except each other. It’s so fulfilling!

  4. Having sex on the first date is a bad idea because your are not good at picking decent humans out. Wait, get to know someone and see what they are like in all situations. Notice all the guys in the post said sure…of course they do…notice all the upset girls who did looking for advice…because we foolishly think that sex means instant relationship. Wait, girls. Be smart.

  5. I had sex on a 1st date 18 years ago; been together ever since, married for last 13 of those years.

    I had intended to “make him wait” like a “good” girl is supposed to, but he was just so darn sexy I couldn’t resist. Needless to say, he called for a 2nd date.

    A few years ago a friend mentioned to me she thought a man wouldn’t marry a woman who had sex on the first date. I didn’t say anything to her, but told my husband what she’d said. He told me he *might* have asked me for a 2nd date if we’d not done it, but if he’d been turned down for sex on the 2nd date, there definitely would have been no 3rd.

    And ladies, if he doesn’t call back for a 2nd date, consider it a blessing. If he is not at a point in his life where he can honestly tell you he is just looking for a fling before coaxing you

  6. I had sex on my 1st date with a guy I knew before. I didn’t know hime that well. I had not seen him in a very long time (like one year), and I ran into him in a bar. The next day he invited me to dinner. After we had sex, he did not text me (I did….), he texted back though. He talked to me on facebook a few times, and since then we saw each other at three parties and had sex two more times (NOT after the parties). I’m confused about what he’s looking for… Is it a fwb relationship? I don’t even know… help me

  7. I always chuckle when I see questions like this. Sex on the first date, oh my, people will think a girl is loose! Well let me tell you, there are women who do have sex on the first date – they’re not looking to get married, they’re looking for a boy toy. Play it by ear. If a girl thinks it will adversely effect any future opportunity for a relationship, don’t do it!

  8. I believe it just depends on the guy. If that’s all he wants then you’ll never have anything more anyways. If you get a guy who wants a relationship I don’t think it matters, he will like you regardless! I recommend waiting but I know that’s no always what you want lol! So pretty much listen to your brain either way, but also make sure your emotionally ready if he don’t call back.

Comments are closed.