This week, Gwyneth Paltrow launched the first ever Sex Issue on her “much-discussed” lifestyle blog, GOOP.com.  It’s been a long-time coming from the homeopathic, macrobiotic, down-to-earth gazillionaire who introduced the world to the much-needed infrared and mugwort uterine cleanse. Gwynie’s saucy issue did not disappoint, with such such sage advice as investing in a $15,000 dildo and avoiding most condoms because they’re not vegan. Well, we here at EMandLO.com got the inside scoop on her second sex issue that’s already in the works — here’s what we have to look forward to, lucky us!*

• How to Join the Mile High Club When You Borrow Harvey Weinstein’s Miramax Jet
• The Erotic Versatility of Miso
• Don’t Listen to Your Concierge! MY Top 10 Places to Get a $500 Bikini Wax in Paris
• An Uncle’s Advice for Going Through Puberty, by Special Guest Contributor Jay Z
• The Ultimate Guilty Pleasure: Using a Single Pat of Unsalted Organic Butter for Fellatio
• Slumming It: How to Fuck Like Someone Who Makes $25,000 a Year
• Flowering Zucchini Plants Make My Heart Skip a Beat (Hello, Mother Nature’s Sex Toy!)
• The 5 Worst Romantic Comedies of Reese Witherspoon
• How Hand-Rolled Sushi Lessons Can Get You in Touch with Your Omanko
• Making Love in the Sun Without Sunscreen or Birth Control or STD Protection Because Natural
• Steam Cleaning Your Vagina Is So 2015: This Year, It’s All About Steam Cleaning Your Asshole
• Conscious Undiddling: A 30-Day Masturbation Cleanse
• The Best Lubricant Is In Your 41K Italian Meneghini Arredamenti Refrigerator: Vegenaise! 

*All article titles are inspired by actual, annoyingly pretentious quotes from Gwyneth Paltrow.

Speaking of actors:
An Abridged History of Modern Merkins