How Do We Find Non-Creepy People for Our Open Marriage?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

My wife and I have been seriously talking about trying to find other people and couples to have sex with. Both individually and as a couple/threesome/group. The problem is that most of the people we have encountered so far are unattractive to us on a physical or intellectual level, or are just plain creepy. In fact, the creep factor is by far the biggest hurdle. It is getting to the point where we are almost ready to give up on hope that a unicorn just comes prancing through the door some day. How do we find the non-creepsters?

— Open For Business

Have any open-relationship scoping advice?
Let him know in the comments below!


  1. Have you considered working on the intellectual/emotional/spiritual aspects of your relationship to build deep intimacy? Coupling your genitals to a person outside of your marriage will destroy what little intimacy you have.

    1. Yes in an unhealthy relationship where the two people are not in the same place and doing things for the wrong reasons then yes your advice is sound. However when there are two people that love, respect and are honest with themselves and each other, “coupling your genitals to a person outside your marriage” can be an incredible experience. Watching my husband completely satisfy another woman and being completely confident that i am the woman he chooses to partner with on a daily basis from here on out is a complete turn on. Love and sex are 2 different things. Yes they can be used in conjuctiun but you are not going to Love a one night stand and if the person you love for whatever reason can not physically have sex you don’t love them any less. Not knowing how to separate the two is what destroys intimacy

  2. If you’re trying to find a couple/threesome/moresome relationship you should check out the swinger dating sites. Really. They’re full of nice people who want what you do and by simply screening for literacy and education you can come up couples you like. Don’t try to hunt for a unicorn–that magical bisexual woman; she’s very rare and you will find her by chance only.

    If you just want to find individuals for one of you, use any of the dating sites like OKCupid and be honest. It’s slow but it works. Be aware, however, that women get a LOT more action. Many a man has cajoled his partner into opening the relationship only to find that it works much better for her than for him. People you meet on dating sites are looking for relationships typically; it might be a somewhat casual relationship but they’re not flesh dolls for your convenience. Be prepared to become emotionally involved.

    Finally, DO YOUR RESEARCH. “Opening Up” is the standard book to recommend. Ending monogamous assumptions can bite you in the ass…and not in the good way.

  3. I have a lot to say on this topic. “Creepy” implies that those willing to enter this situation are freaks of some sort, which they are certainly NOT. “Our” implied that both parts of the couple are seeking the same partner which is highly contradictory to polyamory or open relationships, which allow for the understanding that each partner is a unique individual and may have an attraction outside of the other partner. I am 4 years into an open marriage, and the word creepy has never entered the picture. Many other topics have…

    1. Just to clarify, I don’t think there’s anything creepy about an open marriage – but I’ve seen guys send women running by saying, “by the way, I’m in an open marriage…” with all but the eyebrows arching up and down. I guess what I’m saying is, I’ve seen “I’m in an open marriage” used as a misguided pickup line, with predictable outcome, a few times.

  4. I have very little experience with this sort of thing, so I’ll just tell you the one thing I know for sure: avoid explicitly telling people you’re in an open marriage. It’s solicitous and creepy and gross. It makes people want to gag. It’s just not a sexy thing to say.

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