Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex & relationships. If you’ve got a good one, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg just might tell you what it means! Click here to submit yours (18 and older only for dream interpretations, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri about dreaming of an ex who wouldn’t commit.
I keep having dreams of the guy who wouldn’t commit to me. He ended things over a month ago and I’ve been working hard to move on. His actions never matched his words and he stated that time, fear of failure, and fear of commitment were his reasons for ending things.
In one dream I was in his apartment alone, it was dark and I could barely see. I was going through his things to see signs of another woman or if my belongings had been thrown out. I woke up when I found condoms.
In a second dream we were cuddling and then suddenly started fighting. He asked if I would be upset if he got into a relationship with someone else and I lost it. He rejected me again and I woke up right as I started crying in my dream.
I know I’m not completely over him, but why does he keep showing up in my dreams? Is it a message that he has moved on or just communicating that I’m afraid that he will?
Lauri:It’s very interesting to me that one of the most common dreams we have after a breakup is breaking into the ex’s home and snooping around. The reason why is because this is how the subconscious is trying to figure out what went wrong. The ex’s home represents his mindset. Breaking into his home, or being there alone, and searching through his things represents you taking inventory and examining his words and actions throughout the relationship.
In the first dream it is dark and you can barely see because in real life “you are in the dark” as far as why he ended things. You then find condoms. On one level that does reflect your fear he has moved on but on a deeper level, it symbolizes his protective barrier he put up between the two of you… some sort of barrier that kept you from the emotional and psychological intimacy you desired. Since the condoms belonged to him, your dream is showing you this is HIS issue, not yours.
In the second dream he asks if you mind if he dates someone else and you start fighting. It is so important to remember that any conversation you have in a dream is really a conversation with yourself. That wasn’t your ex asking you that question, that was YOU asking that question of yourself. Your subconscious wants you to start dating again but you are fighting it because you are still hung up on the ex. And that is why he keeps showing up in your dreams.
Your dreams are trying to help you understand the breakup so you can move on. It seems to me they are telling you that there is only so much you can understand about it… and all you really need to understand is that, like the condoms, it’s HIS issue. He feels the need to protect himself for some reason. So try to accept that and realize that he did you a favor and freed you from a relationship that was only half full so that you can find someone who can give themselves to you 100%.
Response from the dreamer: Thank you for your analysis! That actually matches what I am thinking 100%. The interpretation of me having that conversation with myself was refreshing, because the thought of dating again is a struggle to me. I want to, but haven’t moved on and I’m scared of getting hurt again. I also didn’t think of the condoms as a barrier between us. That was a helpful interpretation as well.