Your Call: BF Loves Me But Misses Thrill of the Chase

photo by voxefx

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em & Lo,

I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 months now. We live together and in almost every area of our relationship things are seemingly perfect. Except, unfortunately our sex life. My boyfriend has no sex drive, which has changed from when we first met. When we first met we were having sex a few times a day and it was passionate and exciting. My boyfriend told me that he has always had a problem in which he can’t come inside of a girl, he also takes at least 40 minutes to come, and he used to have to watch porn as a supplement to sex… until I told him it bothered me and we stopped doing that.

Not that porn horrifies me, I watch it myself and I understand the excitement from it. But, for me having porn as a must during sex is a huge turn-off, especially when the porn he likes are cum-shots (gross) or anal (not-so-bad). For me, though, these shots are just a turn-off and make me feel insecure and just not in the moment with him.

Anywho, we have sex toys, lots of lube, and I even invested in a Kama Sutra book so we could pick out new fun positions together. But even when we have our weekly sex-capade I feel like he’s only doing it because he knows how bad I want it, and it just feels like he’s going through the motions. I try to make noise to show him how I enjoy it, I ask him how he’s feeling, what he likes, I even try to take pointers from the porn cum-shots he likes so much. But I just come out feeling strangely unfulfilled.

I asked him recently if he wants to have sex with other people, maybe he is just bored of me. He says he misses the chase of a new woman, but he loves me and wants to be with me. I told him I want to be certain that he’s absolutely happy with me… he said he was. But I just feel so wary and insecure. I don’t want him to be with me and yet be unsatisfied with me. I also don’t want to feel like I’m pressuring or guitling him into having sex with me!

I get so depressed sometimes thinking about this, I’ll stand in front of the mirror and wish for big tits like a porn star, etc. Moreover, I am sexually unsatisfied because I have a high sex drive! I masturbate to fill in the gaps of my own yearning that he can’t fulfill, but I still feel so sad. I want to be having sex with my man, not my vibrator and some porn. What can I do to make him want sex again? Am I just seeing warning signs to the end?

— Can’t Usually Get What I Want

What should C.U.G.W.I.W. do?


  1. Oh my god… re-read what you wrote thats shocking! You need to get out, and when you find someone else who truly respects you… your going to be thankfull you did. He sounds like he needs help to be honest thats not normal behaviour. I honestly would just leave, hes not going to change 🙁 x

  2. Thank you for all the responses. I am still confused and frustrated. I have confronted him again recently, after one day in which we were having sex, it was so mechanical and he was not there at all. He suddenly stops, because there’s some discharge from me on his penis. I go take a shower to clean up a bit, while he mechanically walks to the computer to watch porn. The porn was already up and waiting for him, because before we had sex that day, he as watching porn all throughout the day. By this point I am so disgusted and I tell him this. He tells me that he wants to fix himself bla bla bla. We discuss his anal obsession, but yet he doesn’t like having anal sex physically, because it disgusts him… I tell him maybe he should stop obsessing and watching porn so much. What happens days later? But I see that hes looking at porn while I get up to go to the bathroom. I feel very weird about my reaction of disgust and disapproval to this. I don’t care that he masturbates, or looks at porn. But he seems to rely on it not only to come, but also to get turned on. Is there a middle ground that I should meet him on to have things improve? I sort of feel like a weird sense of being cheated on throughout this whole situation. Like, he is turned on sexually and stimulated by other women and just uses my body as a vessel. Does this sound like an overreaction? Or am I just dealing with a lost cause? I love him and want this to work out, so any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  3. I think this bit of information won’t solve the problem, but I read that men become accustomed to the higher level of stimulation they achieve when they masturbate, so find it hard to orgasm from penis in vagina stimulation which is not as tight/stimulating. It’s apparently a matter of getting used to the difference. Hope things work out well for you….

  4. That sounds awful! I am sorry to say it, but I just don’t think you are compatible. Actually, I don’t think he is compatible with anyone. It’s very nice that you are trying to please him, getting out the weird moves and the porn and all, but honestly, that’s not something you should have to do to get someone excited after just 9 months. That’s what married couples who are bored after a couple decades have to do to get excited. If he needs that to get excited at this point, well, then it’s just not going to work.

    Honestly, I would not be surprised if the guy had some sort of porn addiction or something that you’re not aware of. I’ve never heard of a man taking that long or needing that type of stimulation to get off.

    Regardless of that, the most important thing for you to remember is that it’s NOT YOUR FAULT! You have a healthy sex drive and you are open and communicative. That makes you already way better in bed than about 90% of women. I have a lot of male friends, so I know this!

    I’m sure he has other good qualities, but I just don’t see what else you can do. This whole business about, oh, maybe he just likes the thrill of the chase… that’s perverse. You haven’t been dating that long! It’s almost like he’s trying to blame his sexual dysfunction on you or the relationship. I’d like to know what he’s doing to improve things, after everything you’ve put into it. Seriously, some of his meds aren’t right or there is something else going on. But there’s really nothing you can do. Honestly. Move out, at the very least. And whatever you do, just remember that there are tons of guys who would fall all over themselves to be with a sex goddess like you. So maybe you choose to waste your time with this guy, or maybe you get something else out of it, but know deep down that you really could do better.

  5. I personally feel that in a relationship, both parties have got to consider their issues and realise how they affect themselves and thus how they affect their partner. There are a number of issues here to do with you both individually and together.

    I would suggest that you be completely honest with him. If you find it hard, look for some advice in the area of conflict resolution or relationship communication.

    I think honesty about how you feel and just how much it’s bothering you is really important here. Just coz you talked about it before doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it again, even more so if you still feel like it’s unresolved or if you’re unhappy.

    It appears that you are dealing with some insecurities. And do you know what, even though this an issue to do with you essentially, he is not bloody helping my love! For goodness sakes, if he wants to be with you, he needs to man up, and start telling you you are fucking gorgeous and that he only wants to be with you. Anything less, and you gotta be brave and decide what kinda relationship you really want. And if you have self respect, I think the wise choice would be to give him some space, and rebuild your self value and self love.

    You are always gonna be OK on your own, it might be hard to think of being single right now, but just relax and think about you, not him so much. I agree with the above commenters who have suggested he may have some depression issues going on and I feel for him, but I feel his dependency on porn and his state of mind are not things you can actually do anything about, and in trying you might damage yourself.

    A bit more talking with him would be a good indicator of where to go. Keep it clear in your mind that a relationship is always your choice because it’s your life.

    You are fucking beautiful. I don’t actually know what you look like, but that’s what you should be hearing from your loved one and that’s what you gotta tell yourself so your subconscious starts to hear it. Then your self value and self respect will strengthen.
    A relationship should always be a choice.

    Start saying this to yourself ‘I am beautiful and I love my body’.
    Write it down 10 times a day and you will notice a part of your subconscious that niggles ‘no. you’re not’, or perhaps ‘you’ll never look like that porn star he likes’.
    That negativity that has become engrained in your subconscious needs to FUCK OFF!
    You need to feed yourself with positivity and thoughts of self appreciation. If you start the positive thinking, take note of the negative voice that tries to overrule. It can become so obvious that it even starts to become funny! Whatever positive phrase you come up with, make sure it’s got no negative connotations in it, coz your subconscious will pick up on them.
    ie. ‘I am not ugly’ is not a positive affirmation. Neither is ‘I am gorgeous and I do not want to cry’.
    It gotta be really strong, like ‘I am beautiful and I am strong and I love myself’.

    Source: my own experiences. I am a curvy, bodacious lady and I used to loathe my body! I used to date and go out with guys who had their cake and ate it and I gave gave gave.

    Then I got standards and self respect and flushed the immature men out of my life, along with my immature idea of a relationship.

    And then a man came into my life. He is good… A man should be good for a woman, and a woman should be good for her man. if it ain’t working, it just ain’t working.

    And you gotta holla ‘NEXT PLEASE!’

    Big love to you xxx

  6. Honey, break up with him. This reminds me of my ex-boyfriend quite a bit. The bottom line is: you are unhappy. Whether it’s wanting something he can’t give, or not enough chemistry, something isn’t fitting. And if it’s causing you to look in the mirror and feel that way about yourself, it’s bad for you. Nothing is worth that. Move on, work on finding a man that makes you COMPLETELY happy, and fulfills ALL of your needs – at the very least the most important ones, including sex.

  7. I wouldn’t make any decisions until he has his testosterone level checked. Something about this question makes me think there could be a medical explanation. I guess it’s the fact that he always needs something to crank things up in order for the sex to work.

    But there are certain other details that sound familiar to me as someone with lifelong depression(dysthymia). The sex could be sabotaged if things aren’t “just right” or cranked up in some other way. It might be a situation where his brain dredges up any relationship issues they’re having and throws them at him in an anxiety-causing way while he’s trying to perform sexually.

    I don’t believe I have low testosterone, but I’m so non-caveman, I’m practically a chick. The “40 minutes” thing sorta rang a bell for me. My wack sessions with porn usually last more than that(my preference). When I use my imagination, sometimes it doesn’t work because I can’t think of the right person to insert into the fantasy, or if it’s the morning I might not finish even if I jackhammer.

  8. I agree with Johnny in the analysis of the situation.
    I doubt the reliance on porn is as big a deal to him as you seem to think strictly from what you’ve stated (don’t worry about looking like a porn star), however it might point to some bigger sexual incompatibilities (if all his porn is cum-shots and anal, he might just like cum-shots and anal). You two need to have a serious discussion of your sexual needs and if they don’t match up, break up.

    Some suggestions for moving forward:
    My personal suggestion is for you to break up. It is not worth it to settle – ever. DTMFA
    But I will give you your options, if you think it’s worth staying.

    Option 1: Break up
    You are much much too young to settle. It doesn’t really sound to me like this is worth it. You are not abnormal for having a high sex drive, go find someone with whom you are emotionally AND sexually compatible.

    Option 2: Try to stay together
    1. Is non-monogamy something you would consider?
    (I originally had a long long set of conditionals for this one, but instead I will summarize:)
    If you really think he is being honest and wants to stay in a relationship with you but also needs ‘the chase’ AND you want a non-monogamous relationship/think he’s worth having one (and this situation would actually make you happy): both dating you and having ‘the chase’ is an option. I don’t suggest doing this because I think your boyfriend is lying to you, but if he’s not…. just make sure you are willing to be honest in negotiating the terms of your non-monogamy in a way that will make you feel secure/happy.
    2. Role-playing
    Agree to pretend you’ve never met. Have him pick you up at a bar. Play hard to get; have “first” dates. You could even pretend to be a totally new person – if that turns *you* on.

  9. Is the problem that he has no sex drive or that he cannot orgasm with vaginal sex? The first is a total deal killer; the second seems fixable…and many women would enjoy a man capable of such delay! Perhaps reactions to the second are what is causing the first? A little clarification is needed, since I find it hard to believe that the “thrill of the chase” is necessary to produce a fairly straightforward biological reaction.

  10. I’m sorry, but I think I have to agree with Johnny in a lot of ways. My only suggestion might be to see if he’s depressed; that can affect a lot of things. But it also sounds like, from the beginning, your sexual needs were very different. My biggest piece of advice is this: stop blaming yourself. Period. If he has a problem with your sex life, it’s his responsibility to make that clear to you. If all he really wants is the chase…there’s nothing you can do about that. You deserve someone who is interested in you, and genuinely interested in you, for -you-. You can try role-playing if you think that might give his the excitement and satisfaction of the chase again, but honestly, I think the issues here run deeper. If you are incompatible, you are incompatible, and that sucks, but at least you’re addressing it now and not three years later. Be confident; be yourself. There is nothing wrong with you, and you have a right to a happy relationship just as much as he does.

  11. I can’t understand these questions that are like, “everything’s absolutely perfect, except for the single most important part, which is terrible or non-existent.” To me that reads like, “I live in my dream house… but it has no roof.”

    Except in voluntary-virgin-world, which I don’t pretend to understand, sex is what differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship.

    I am not optimistic about this, unfortunately. As I see it, the possibilities are:

    1. It’s an inter-partner chemistry thing – something between the two of you isn’t turning him on, or is even turning him off.

    2. It’s him – this is how he is in every relationship. He just has a short sexual attention span, and the chase is his favorite part.

    3. He’s a big bullshitter – he isn’t happy in the relationship, wishes they never moved in together, and wants to break up but doesn’t have the stones.

    Nine months in and the sex is lame and all but gone? This does not bode well for the future. I think the woman asking this question knows this.

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