Your Call: Do His Fantasies Mean He’ll Cheat?

Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 23-year-old woman who has been in a relationship with my partner for over a year and a half. The sex is good, but I recently found out my partner fantasizes about other women he has seen whilst he has been out with me, or out on his own. How long is it until a guy takes it that step further? How long is it before the fantasy becomes a reality and they are in bed with the fantasy? I have a nice face, a sexy figure, big boobs, a nice bum, curves in all the right places (and have been told so by many men). So why does my boyfriend choose to fantasize over other women? What do they have that I don’t? After all, I am apparently the stereotypical male fantasy! And why can’t men understand that by doing this and telling their girlfriends they make them feel inadequate? Should I be with this guy?! Is this normal? I’d love to hear back from both guys and girls!
— Shipwrecked on Fantasy Island

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  1. wut if its the same woman, and he has access to her , and they speak privately, and she has more status than me, should i be a lil concerned. i mean he only saves her messages and her sexy fotos, and has only has one foto of me, and im having his child in a couple weeks,, i feel weird confronting this matter, because i did already, if i keep bringing it up, i can seem like a nag. is it only a fantasy then or is it a mess waiting to erupt? am i being naive. i wish she was just a random girl but its the same stripper, and she sends him very personal fantasies of her own.

  2. Hon, he’s a man, that’s what they DO. Hell, we’re women, it’s what WE do, (I’m surprised you don’t. You only, ONLY fantasize about him? I don’t get it.)

    A fantasy is just that. “Something that seems interesting when you are horny, that you probably don’t think about, or would even like to do, when in other circumstances.” OK, I made that up, but it fits. At least for me.

    Don’t worry, it isn’t a “sign” that he wants to cheat. Only that he has a healthy libido. If it bothers you, tell him NOT to share his fantasies with you anymore. Did you ASK what he thinks about? If so, don’t be upset when the answer ISN’T what you wanted it to be. Or did he OFFER to tell you? IF you asked, I’d advise you NOT to do that anymore. If you didn’t and he offered the fantasy, unasked, simply ask him not to tell you what he is thinking of.

    And, sweetie DON’T worry about it every time you have sex. It doesn’t matter, he’s WITH you. That’s what matters.

    The only thing that would cause you to worry is if you really made it clear you DON’T want to hear his fantasies, and he tells you anyway. That would be his being sadistic, (if he knows you don’t like it) and that IS a problem. Otherwise, what he thinks, in the privacy of his thoughts is only HIS business.

    Funny, because I REF– USE to tell my dh my fantasies, and he keeps asking. ๐Ÿ™‚ I think some things are best left untold.

  3. Broken Hearted,

    Personally, I would a bit concerned. Granted it is natural and ‘normal’ for men and women fantasize about other people. The surge of euphoric feelings we tend to get from a new sexual encounter is something many crave, but since they are in a relationship it’s not something they can seek out in reality, hence an active fantasy life. However, when the fantasy’s begin to be very personal to someone close the person’s life, that can be dangerous–sometimes. Your man may indeed be truly attracted to your bestfriend and would make a move if you were not in the picture, but such may not be the case. He may be looking for novelty in your sex life and is looking to someone who you’re close to so that you would be comfortable with a threesome. In other words, may be he’s wanting a threesome and it’s not totally personal to her. Or maybe not. It sounds like you two need to talk. Calmly. He’ll never open up if he thinks you’re just going to bash his wants or if it’ll cause strife in your relationship.

  4. I don’t think just because he fantasizes means he’ll cheat. But you have to wonder what he fantasizes about and why. I’m sure you’re a very attractive woman, but if you’re no fun in the bedroom or as open minded as he is, then you may have a reason to worry. For instance, I once had a very attractive gf, who even though I would give her oral sex, and she loved it, but she wouldn’t return the favor. I put up with it for awhile but it finally made me feel like she wasn’t on the same page as I was. I was willing to do anything I could to please her and she didn’t feel the same. My advice to you is to just talk to him, ask him if it’s a mental thing or if he’s searching for something you’re not comfortable giving him. I hope this helps and good luck to you!

  5. There’s an episode of King of Queens that covers this very topic. It’s pretty awesome, and spot on to the male (and female) pysche on this issue, I’d recommend searching for it and watching it.

    Yes, men fantasize, however, if he is fantasizing about someone else while engaging in sex with you, then you need to move on.

    If it is just in dreams or “personal time” then don’t sweat it. If you don’t want to hear about them, either tell him about your own fantasies, or tell him you don’t want to hear them. I’d personally rather not know who my wife fantasizes about. I don’t tell her either. ๐Ÿ™‚ We’ve been married 21 years, and no cheating has taken place.

  6. ^Well, have your best girlfriend tell your boyfriend that he is one of the ugliest guys she’s ever seen. Make him think she would never ‘get’ with him (threesome) ever. And tell your boyfriend that you want to have a threesome with him, and his best buddy, because his best buddy makes you wet. See his reaction.

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