Your Call: Should She Share Her Fantasies?

We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:

Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve got some naughty fantasies, the likes of which sometimes even freak me out a little: you know, crazy stuff I think about to help get me off, but stuff I’d never do in real life. I’m torn between telling my husband and just keeping them to myself. If I tell him, sharing something like that could bring us closer and spice up our sex life. But it could also make him think I’m a weirdo and/or he could poke fun and/or I could be forever mortified. Keeping them to myself means I get something truly my own, for my me-time. I just sometimes feel like I’m not being totally myself with him by not opening up. What do you think?
— Of Two Dirty Minds

If you can’t see the poll, click here to take it.


  1. HELL YES! How else is he supposed to know? Read your mind?

    I actively ask this of my partners when our relationship gets established. How many told me about their fantasies? ZERO!

    I asked one why she wouldn’t tell me, and she responded with “You’re supposed to know.” Really? I must not know, because I just asked.

    Just one proviso, ladies. Don’t make it sound like he’s to blame for not knowing. You would find us to be much better lovers for you if you’d just open up to your man (provided you know you can trust him not to make fun of you. I know this happens, and I’m sorry it does.)

  2. I think you should confess a ‘mild’ fantasy to him, and see what he thinks and says about it. If he reacts positively, then be brave and gradually build it up, telling him some more daring fantasies. If he doesn’t react positively, this does not make you a freak! Everyone likes different things, and you can be suprised by what some people like. For instance, I remember telling my friend that I like the whole BDSM thing, and it turns out that she likes it too, then she added that she likes the rape fantasy, as do I. Infact, it turns out that many people who you know is likely to be somewhat curious about some fantasies that may be like yours.
    I am completely open to telling my boyfriend my sexual fantasies. Even if I find some embarassing to tell and I think he will sit there and laugh, it turns out that he really likes the idea, and wants to act it out. I even tell him any sexual dreams I have, and sometimes we act them out, which is a truly amazing experience.
    Anyway, even if your fantasies may be a little on the wild side, what’s so wrong with that? It’s better to be imaginative and unique than be the same as everyone else. I think if someone didn’t like anything at all that’s a little different, the sex wouldn’t be half as fun as it could be.
    Just think of the song ‘Get Your Freak On’ if you ever feel bad for having these fantasies, and know that it’s great to be different ;D

  3. I don’t think it’s a matter of how secure your relationship is or whether your sex life needs spicing up or not! Whether you tell depends solely on whether you want (or hope) your other half to get involved.

    Some of my fantasies work well with partner participation (eg sex in a public place), and those fantasies I’ll tell. Others – like the ubiquitous rape fantasy – I don’t want in reality and I don’t even want to act it out. It’s purely a fantasy and can only occur in my mind. So I don’t spoil it by telling.

    So – do you WANT your partner to join in? And do you think he’s likely to? Unless you answer yes to both, keep quiet!

  4. You know your guy right? if you tell him you want to have sex with 2 guys and have him watch… what is he going to say, will he forever walk around not trusting you because you told him this Or will he say hey, I know these 2 guys and they can be here in 5… or will he confess he has fantasys of having sex with the babysitter and then you will have a hang up… you know what your guy can handle… just tell him your tamer ones, middle of the road ones that maybe the 2 of you can act out together… if he is in to 3 somes o swinging than go for it, but also know if he is not, your fantasys could cause harm to your relationship… Lo-ND

  5. Recently my guy told me some of his fantasies, and altho I do not fantasise, I do at least daydream very imaginatively. Now ( since I feel that it is a healthy and natural thing for the male of the species to do)I am feeling that his fantasies are something I,d like to share with him. I do not understand why some females get up tight about it , its not something you should put under a microscope. Accept it and your guy will never stray, knock it and he be looking elsewhere.

  6. I say let him in on it, only because if it’s something that you think about it while you’re having your Me Time, and it helps you “finish” your Me Time, how much greater would it be to actually be enjoying the act that has supplied you with so many naughty, wonderful thoughts!

  7. The irony is that guys tend to be even more nervous about ‘fessing up with fantasies, possibly because of the whole fragile ego thing. Odds are that if you test the waters a bit, you’ll find he’s got some ideas of his own that he’d love to be able to share with you… if he could get past the fear.

    Of course, if you DO mention something, I’d advise it be something you really would like to try, and that you allow space for him to reciprocate 🙂

  8. use some reverse psychology to test the waters first. ‘what’s your opinion on threesomes/anal sex/outdoor play etc’ or whatever your fantasy happens to be and see what his reaction is so you know how to approach the matter :).

  9. it all depends on what you want. i agree that having a naughty fantasy all to yourself, that’s just yours, can have some value. everybody needs something that is “just theirs.” but if this is a fantasy you’d really like to try, then you shoud try to share it with him. even if it’s not something that you think you might actually be able to do, just talking about the fantasy can be enough of a turn on and the sharing of the fantasy with may fulfill your needs as well as actually acting out the fantasy. it concerns me that you think your husband would make fun of you or think that you’re weird. hopefully he is a modern, mature man who would not chastise his wife for having natural sexual curiosities. one way you could open up the conversation is to ask him if he has any fantasies. if he shares something personal and potentially a little embarrassing with you, then you should be able to trust him to react to your fantasies with tact.

  10. I recently left my fiance and have since found a new guy that I’m interested in. He’s going through a similar situation, and we have been honest with each other about everything, including our past lives. I think honestly is always the best policy, but of course you could test the waters because as was mentioned, he might not want to hear it. And trust me, men aren’t only interested in women’s bisexual fantasies. I can turn just about any straight guy on with words in about five seconds, and I’ve never told any man a bisexual fantasy of mine.

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