We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:
Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve got some naughty fantasies, the likes of which sometimes even freak me out a little: you know, crazy stuff I think about to help get me off, but stuff I’d never do in real life. I’m torn between telling my husband and just keeping them to myself. If I tell him, sharing something like that could bring us closer and spice up our sex life. But it could also make him think I’m a weirdo and/or he could poke fun and/or I could be forever mortified. Keeping them to myself means I get something truly my own, for my me-time. I just sometimes feel like I’m not being totally myself with him by not opening up. What do you think?
— Of Two Dirty Minds
If you can’t see the poll, click here to take it.
as a guy I can tell you that for most guys, even if your fanticies scare him a lot, he’ll still be glad to hear them.
worst case he’ll respond with something like “wow. that is some sick twisted stuff….. you better be able to keep a secret…if it gets out that i did this stuff.. you’ll be in trouble.”
The most honest answer can only be given by yourself. You and you alone truly know your relationship. What you are describing is a double edged sword. My wife and I have been together for 10 years now, and have opened up and explored some fantasies on both sides. Beware though, sometimes you get what you ask for. In my own experience, sometimes fantasies are better left that way. Once that door is opened, there really is no going back. In our case, things were done wrong on both our behalfs. We had a pretty rough time with some things we had both done, with and without the other present. Only afterward did we realize how much resentment was caused. I’m not saying that this will also happen to you, but beware that that is always a possibility. We deeply love and respect each other, so our marriage remains strong. Nothing wrong with being open and honest with your partner, just also let it be known that these are fantasies, not an immediate want or need. Good Luck!
Nothing more boring than just talking about things that will never happen. And if you want to be dominated or be the dominator, be ready to kiss love goodbye: there’s no love under will.
Don’t tell. Either do it or keep shut. Are men interested in female fantasies? I’ve done sandwich and my former bisexual husband didn’t dared to do it but did fantasize about men….talking about an open door. Do women fantasize about being cummed all over? Because maybe then men would be interested, if they did not already got to that. Only fantasy women can share are their bisexual ones. Which by the way turns out to be a flawed impersonation of doing one at the time.
I voted for telling gradually and I still stand by it.
My suggestion is telling him something during some sexual/foreplay activity.
Lets say you’re holding his erected reproductive organ in you hands, pretty close to your face (yes, about to do just that) and than tell him something and proceed to do “just that”. Than pause, tell him some more and looking for clues as to his reaction.
Chances are you won’t be ridiculed, and whatever it is you say will be associated with a pretty stimulating sexual act. It can also lead to some negotiation from a pretty powerful point. “Hey, do you want me to continue? OK, than as of tomorrow I’m using a strap-on on you/ dominate you/ serve you as a maid/ you serve me/ I lick your anus/ you lick mine/” etc. etc.
You have plenty of cards. use them wisely and you’ll be amazed as how easy it it!
I voted for the first response. I feel that somethings are better left to you and your imagination. I mean what if you shared what you’ve been thinking and something happens that ended the relationship. What you decided to share can possibly come back and bite you in the rear, he could use it as ammunition. And, sometimes, they will tell you that if you didn’t intend to do it you wouldn’t be thinkg about it. Besides, a fantasy is somewhat theraputic. I mean if the day or your significant other is really being a behind you can go to your fantasy where life is perect all of the time.
you know what you should do? SPILL IT ALL OUT! not only it will shock him but it will also spice up your life in bed!! I do the same thing and our life is incredible.. it’s out of this world!!!
also… dont listen to CHUCK, he’s illiterate and cant turn off the caps….
So I chose to tell him little by little but I also wanted to mention something, you can be afraid that he’ll laugh at you, but thats not neccessarilly a bad response. being like, “how come you never talk dirty to me?” might get a nervous laugh but the thing to consider is…. that you’ve said something a little shocking and if u stay quiet and give him a minute to consider the situation, he might tell you what fantasies he has that he doesnt tell YOU about. Start off with something thats not too crazy, and maybe he’ll be like “Ive always wanted to try something like this too….”
I have been married for a long time or well 8 years seems long to me. But when my husband and I first got together we had sex a lot like most people. I got pregnant our first year and through that hole year we didn’t have rough sex like we had been having in the beginning. So once the baby was born I just came out and told him that I’ve been having fantisies, maybe my husband is more open to new things than most and in that since I know I’m lucky. He told me not to tell him what I wanted to do, he said just do it because if I changed it up during sex that it would open his mind up to things that he has always wanted to do too, and that could be your husbands case he maybe scared to open up to you his fantisies because he doesn’t want to freak you out either. I love watching porn just because there might be something left out in our sex life we haven’t tried. But they say after the first few years it gets boring in the bed room and I have to disagree. Because its up to the both of you how spicy you want your sex life to be. But you have to be open with him, and let him know that there are somethings that you’ve been wanting to try and when he says what is it either devulge some new things you could try that night or make it even sexier and tell him you want to surprise him and show him instead. Thats when he will let you know whether he is willing to try new things or not.
I voted #2, test the waters, because guys will sometimes get freaked out if they feel you have these thoughts, and then comes the questions, because they may not think they are fantasies, but something you have tried, and now miss. You might also try asking him, his, and see if they match, and try it then, but also incorporate your own, as you become more comfortable with this venture. But Chris Rock, once joked about this, (advice to guys) you and your lady come home after a night of lets say light drinking, but more than just tipsy, and she suggest that she would like to show you something, whatever it is, don’t totally feak, because if you do, that door will close forever, believe me.
I’d be remissed if I didn’t say to the guys, we are not the only ones with fantasies.
One of the best things for my relationship with my wife, is just laying in bed talking, and things like this ease their way into the conversation….. like ask about his teenage days, and if he did anything wild or weird, and hint along those lines….
if your into urofilia, mention things like having to pee, and beeing forced to wait, almost wetting yourself… etc, and see how he reacts….
if you like feet, talk about your shoes, draw his attention there…
or if he’s totally dense (like me) read articles online, point them out to him, gauge his reaction.
hope it helps. 😉
I believe that if these thoughts are your fantasies than in a way you do want these things to acually happen. Isn’t that what a fantasy is anyway? Something that’s out of the ordinary that turns you on? In my own personal life I’ve found that it’s good to share these fantasies a little at a time because I can guarantee you that your partner has fantasies that they’re not sure if you’d be into. So my advice is to start off slow. Usually the best way to come out with a fantasie is to either bring your partner shopping in a lingerie store or to come out with a more tame fantasy during sex by saying something “Would you be interested in trying…” if you really feel that coming out with something in the middle of sex might ruin the mood for your partner even if it’s a more tame fantasy than sit down and talk to your partner about one or a couple or a few depending on how many fantasies you have in your little secret locker in your mind. =)
I too would start out slow by telling my fantasy or feelings to my partner a little at a time and then go from there. I have been married almost 20 years and wish that I could be in a relationship like “Cat” that after 22 years, she feels like she is still on her honeymoon and seems to have a great love life. I have never felt that connection with my husband and should have thought about that before I married because those feelings are there or they are not. I pray that I have the courage to move on in a few years when the kids are older. We get along well but no “love” connection, just like good business partners, on my part.
I have been married 22 years. I am one of the lucky ones. My husband and I are still on our honeymoon. There is absolutely nothing I can’t tell him and the fact of the matter is, it turns him on. It depends on your relationship and how long you have been with your partner as to how much if any you should tell I suppose. I’m just glad that I have the relationship that I do. My husband even tries to help my fantasies come true and I with his also.