Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
I eat an apple.
Outside it’s red, inside brown.
Next time, banana.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t sell yourself short.
You’ve got so much to offer.
And you’re very tall.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
They say “When pigs fly.”
So throw Porky off the bridge
And then you’ll get some.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Let’s get physical
Sang Olivia Newton.
Don’t listen to her!
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don’t get into a
Trivial argument. Play
Trivial Pursuits.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
So many fishes.
Which one deserves mouth-to-mouth?
Reel only ONE in.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Be a social whore.
Parties will lead to booty.
Nights with Netflix won’t.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
There is a reason
Why Clue is a great board game.
Maintain mystery.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Today is the day.
Like a horny toad jumping,
go get your freak on.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Anger Management
is a terrible movie.
But a worthwhile move.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t be so picky.
They even find your toots cute.
Not a bad deal, dude.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Share your moodiness.
Sometimes you feel like a “nut,”
and sometimes you don’t.
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