Your (Hamlet) Horoscopes: March 23rd, 2015

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
“To the noble mind / Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind. ” (III, i)

(Your actions are in the right place but your motives may not be.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
“Come, give us a taste of your quality.” (II, ii)

(You’re hot, you’re charming, you’re hard to resist. Get out and strut your stuff.)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
“I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; / God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another.” (III, i)

(Don’t be fooled by someone who has a way with words.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)

“This is the very ecstasy of love.” (II, i)

(You’ll find yourself in seventh heaven this week. It’s time to fulfill your fantasies.)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
“All is not well; / I doubt some foul play. ” (I, ii)

(Someone may be messing with your heart or mind).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
“Doubt thou the stars are fire; / Doubt that the sun doth move; / Doubt truth to be a liar; / But never doubt I love.” (II, ii)

(You’ll capture anyone you talk to this week. )

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
“Give it an understanding, but no tongue.” (I, ii)

(Concentrate on making love, not talking about it.)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
“Season your admiration for a while.” (I, ii)

(Just get out there and have some fun. Stop putting pressure on yourself to be in a relationship. Let love come to you.)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
“Beware/ Of entrance to a quarrel, but, being in, / Bear ‘t that th’ opposed may beware of thee. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice; / Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgement.” (I, iii)

(You’ll feel torn between the choices you have regarding relationships. Slow down, be honest and don’t feel that you have to make up your mind because someone is demanding a commitment. Back away from idle threats.)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
“Get thee to a nunnery.” (III, i)

(You’ll have too many temptations this week.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, / Than are dreamt up in your philosophy.” (I, v)

(Love may not be where you expect, what you expect or who you expect.)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
“Assume a virtue if you have it not. ” (III, iv)

(Be your best self if you want to hook up.)