Your Weekly Horoscopes: Sexual Positions Edition

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Keeping up with the Joneses in bed is a terrible idea. But every now and then it’s fun to be totally immature. Try out the wackiest position you can think of (the Wheelbarrow? the Spork?) and then brag about it to all your friends.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We’ve often said that the 69 is kind of like communism: great in theory, but kind of disappointing in practice. Our prejudices notwithstanding, this week you should make like Marx and give the 69 a try — you and your partner may be just the shiny new face this maligned position has been waiting for.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The missionary position is not just for teary, face-holding, baby-making sex. Sometimes it’s just a nice way to connect with your partner after a rough day at the office.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Sex is not a competition and it’s not a reality television show. But sometimes feeling like a winner in bed gives your sex life a pleasant boost. Conquering standing up sex is one way to do this.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve been getting lazy about foreplay lately. Sure, it’s great when you know each other so well that you can just jump right in. But this week, start things up in the shower (perfect for foreplay and oral; mostly a terrible idea for intercourse) and towel off when you’re ready to turn it up to eleven.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It’s really hard to commit to that kinky Santorum-Palin roleplaying scenario if you’re gently making love in the spoon position. We recommend doggie style.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Two words for you: chair sex.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Some people trade class rings. Others meet the parents. Still others merge bank accounts. And then there are those few braves souls who toss each other’s salads.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This is a good week to make changes in the way you relate to your partner. But it’s not always that easy to just stop nagging, or start trusting, or learn to compromise, or stand up for yourself. Try making a little change in the bedroom, first, and see if it inspires change outside the bedroom. If you’re usually on the bottom, hop on top, pop — and vice versa.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Talk is cheap. Unreciprocated oral is priceless.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Having a baby is a terrible way to save a marriage, and having a three-way is a terrible way to save a relationship. But having a three-way is an excellent way to cheer yourself up after a breakup. (Less hardcore version: Just fantasize about one. Hello, Ryan Gosling and Jessica Chastain.)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Did you know that yoga can help you climax? If downward dog doesn’t do it for you, try the kneeling lotus position instead (er, after class, that is).