Your Weekly Stars (1-21-13)

photo by SimplySchmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Your attention span for relationships currently rivals that of the average Sesame Street viewer. Consequently, don’t dabble in anything too serious — instead, surround yourself with a poo-poo platter of mini-flings to suit your tastes. Maybe next week you’ll grow up a bit…uh, we mean, be ready to make a few important decisions.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week, let the hotties come to you. Which doesn’t mean slobbing at home in your rattiest undies while lip-syncing power ballads in front of the mirror. No, you’ve got to cleverly place yourself where the hotties will practically trip over you. It only looks like a passive, chilled out act. It’s actually a full-blown hunt for a D.B.F. (Date By Friday).

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re not asking that much, really. Just someone special to share life goals, scary dreams, and a tub of ice cream. That’s not too much to hope for, is it? If you only had a soul mate, then every little thing would be alright. All your troubles would just melt away. Well, there’s a support group for that, and you know where they meet? Out. At bars/gyms/community events. So get out and mingle like your life (or at least your sex life) depends on it. Because it does.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’re going to be feeling soooo sensual that Yanni will start sounding “groovy” to you and anyone carrying a rolled-up yoga mat will turn your head. You’ll laugh at bumper stickers like “Give peas a chance,” and you’ll suddenly feel compelled to light incense. So you better make sure you don’t have too many evening activities planned, because sex is gonna take a loooooong time.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
My, aren’t we feisty this week? You’re suffering from a severe case of what the pop psychologists like to call “floating anger.” Your pissy mood will infect anyone dumb enough to stand to close to you. But don’t let a little thing like a mood swing prevent you from getting some: Pick date activities that are highly physical so you can work through some of that aggression (paintball, bowling, anti-war rallies) and avoid anything resembling a debate. And don’t even try to have lovey-dovey, candle-lit sensual sex: The only nookie that’s going to work for you is a hair-pulling, dirty-talking, up-against-the-wall quickie.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Okay, this week’s horoscope comes in the form of a pop quiz. Question one: Did you spend last Friday night sitting at home for a Meg Ryan movie marathon, wondering how many more sleepless nights in Seattle you’ll have to spend before meeting your Harry? Question two: Has anyone ever used the phrase “serial monogamist” to describe your dating habits? Question three: Would going to a movie alone make you feel like a big fat dork? Question four: Was college the last time you made a booty call? If you answered “yes” to at least two of these questions, then you might want to seriously consider your motivations before entering a new relationship. Are you sure you’re really into him/her and not just a little, uh, desperate?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
One of Aesop’s fables tells the decidedly kinky tale of the North Wind and the Sun, who were arguing over which was more powerful. To end the debate, they decided to see who could strip the wayfaring man walking below them of his clothes the fastest. The North Wind blew with all its might, but the man just pulled his jacket tighter. Then the sun shone its genial rays warmly on the man and he ended up getting butt naked and hopping in a nearby stream to cool off. The moral of the horoscope? Be the sun.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Go ahead, talk about your feelings. his heart on his sleeve, the world has become a safer place for expressing the workings of your heart. So go ahead, talk about the future, get teary eyed, don’t worry about having a sense of humor, and be more earnest than Tom Cruise on your first date — just don’t then be surprised when your date cheats on you during their trip to the bathroom.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your romantic interests this week are like a box of chocolate-covered donuts. They’re so tempting, so decadent, so sinful, so scrumptious. Their sweet smell lures you in. You touch them ever so gently — oooh, so soft. Bring them to your lips — they practically melt in your mouth. But after eating them up, you feel guilty, dirty, unclean even. They sit in a heavy, rotting lump in the pit of your stomach. So go easy on the donuts this week, don’t bite off more than you can chew, and limit your intake to one every few days.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t be so hard on someone who is trying to attract your attention. That mild social awkwardness and funny twitchy thing they’re doing with their eye isn’t a permanent state of affairs but simply a series of nervous tics induced by your utter coolness. Would it hurt you to give them the time of day? A word or two of kindness and you might see all that nervousness dissipate, and then you might even realize that without those funny faces and the nervous throat noises, they’re kinda hot.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Apparently, for you, at least this week, opposites don’t attract. You’re not supposed to be hanging out with anyone who doesn’t share the same interests as you. Now, we may be going out on a limb here, but we don’t think you should dump someone who doesn’t share your perverted love of old Three’s Company reruns on Nick at Nite. However, we think if you’re the outdoorsy type who gets up at 6 a.m. for a morning run, eats macro-biotically, irons your T-shirts, and gets “totally fucked up” when you take a sip of Nyquil when you have the flu…and you happen to be dating someone in a rock band, then it’s probably not going to work out. Call us crazy (right before you call us geniuses).

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re more emotional than a PMS-ing woman without a boyfriend who’s just watched She’s Having a Baby. Take advantage of this overflowing emotion to express yourself to the object of your affection. Stop short of hugging your UPS delivery person. Unless, of course, the UPS delivery person is the object of your affection. In that case, answer the door naked.