Dear Em & Lo,
My boyfriend and I have great sexual chemistry and things have been going really well both inside and outside of the bedroom, but there’s one small issue: we’re both on the sexually submissive side. Though it is not usually an issue, it is clear that we’d both prefer being with someone more sexually dominant than ourselves. I would like to try and see if I have it in me to be more dominant in the bedroom because I know he would really like that, but I have no idea how! I would really appreciate some tips on how to take charge in the bedroom. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Dubious Dominant
Dear D.D.,
You don’t have to be dressed in head-to-toe pleather, wielding a riding crop and saying things like “You’ve been a bad, bad boy” to embrace your inner dom. Here are five simple things you can do — with or without props — that don’t require a lot of emoting on your part:
- Tie him up. This is domination 101. By restraining him, you make him a slave to your sexual will. After you tie him up, you don’t even have to do anything that kinky, just hop on and enjoy yourself, even if that means nice, face-holding lurve-making. Of course, always make sure you follow the safety rules of restraint and honor whatever arrangements you two have (e.g. always using condoms). If you don’t have a safe and easy way to tie him up, like with purpose-made cuffs, just make him hold something or have him put his hands behind his head.
- Blindfold him. This is another BDSM basic. By impairing his vision, you make him more vulnerable. He won’t see that feather tickler or ice cube coming! You could put his iPod headphones on him as well, to increase the sensory deprivation.
- Take his voice. You could gag him, but that can be a bit tricky (safety-wise) and uncomfortable. Just tell him he’s not allowed to say anything during your session, and if he does, you get to spank him (on only the fleshy part of his bum, not too hard). You can even extend this to moans and heavy breathing, which he’ll never be able to resist, at which point you would temporarily withhold whatever sensations you’re administering — this kind of teasing is a great form of power play. By the way, it’s good to agree on a safeword beforehand that he can use in case he needs to tell you that something is uncomfortable or have you stop.
- Play “D.D. Says.” He’s only allowed to do what you tell him to do: from taking off his clothes to touching you, from going slower to going faster, etc. This gets you out of having to come up with creative dominant dirty talk — you simply direct and narrate the action, and even if you’re not using dirty language, just the fact that you are verbalizing what’s about to happen is automatically kind of naughty.
- Make him your foreplay love pet. You don’t need to make him do your laundry or scrub your floors — that just seems rude. But why not make him do a little dirty work before getting it on: have him bathe you, shampoo you, towel you off, moisturize you, dress you in your best lingerie (or whatever), brush your hair… Hell, you could even make him give you a foot massage! Once you get a taste of this life, you may never want to be submissive again.
Lovingly telling you what to do,
Em & Lo
