Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “You often hear how the rape fantasy is common in the minds of many women. Do men have this fantasy, too?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.
Straight Single Guy (Tom Miller): I’m sure lots of men have rape fantasies. Between the taboo, the adrenaline-violence link, and the shifting dynamics of power, using force in the bedroom could be a powerful turn-on — especially if it was her idea. Despite our space needles and car phones, we’re evolved animals and can be provoked by really primal actions. I’m guessing that some percentage of guys who won’t try it, do so because they’re afraid of the repercussions of actually liking it.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): First of all, I don’t know who actually has them more often, but I get the impression that more women than men seem willing to disclose their rape fantasies. Based on my own experience, though, I think it’s important to mention that the term “rape fantasy” covers an awful lot of different ideas. So when you say “rape fantasy” you could be talking about Rhett Butler sweeping Scarlett O’Hara up the grand staircase or something that might scare Ted Bundy. And both men and women’s fantasies cover the whole range. One more good reminder why communication and negotiation are important when translating fantasy into roleplaying.
In my teens I had a lot of fairly vanilla rape fantasies, inspired in part by “bodice ripper” romance novels and in part by the much more direct Victorian BDSM novel A Man With a Maid. This was furthered by two of my earliest girlfriends who shared the fantasies (and their romance novels) with me. Roleplaying was lots of fun — but not for everyone, as I pretty quickly figured out with the next couple of partners.
Years later I was involved with someone whose ideas of roleplaying were so dark I felt a little uncomfortable — and even more so when she mentioned what she really fantasized about when I was trying my best. And that’s a great reminder that what we fantasize about and what we actually want to do in real life can be very different things.
Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): Having spent part of the morning watching that masterpiece of cinematography and direction Caesar’s Hard-Hat Gang Bang, I’ll say that gay men can certainly enjoy the occasional rape fantasy, though, to be honest, in this and other films of its ilk I’ve seen, any reasonable facsimile of resistance tends to disappear entirely before five seconds have passed, so I don’t know whether it can be classified as a true rape fantasy according to the strictest standards. I have to assume that any straight men who harbor a rape fantasy are no more scrupulous about this than we are.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. Tom Miller writes the Tomfoolery blog for YourTango; this week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish; and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
