Dear Em & Lo,
Last night my boyfriend went out with a bunch of his friends, including his ex. Their friend group is known to engage in apparently meaningless sexual activities with one another other on nights out. At around 2 in the morning he came to my apartment completely wasted, with a rather large semen stain on his boxers. Does this necessarily mean he had been doing something or had been given a hand job, or can these just appear?
— C.S.I. Date Night
Dear C.S.I. Date Night,
Um. Wow. That phrase “If it walks like a duck” comes to mind. Sure, a semen stain in a vacuum could have an innocent explanation — maybe your boyfriend fell asleep in the cab ride home and had a wet dream? Maybe he got really turned on during a round of beer pong? But this semen stain isn’t exactly in a vacuum, is it? There’s the ex, there’s the casual sex friend group, there’s the two in the morning — and most importantly, there’s the wasted boyfriend hanging out with an ex and a casual sex friend group at two in the morning.
But still, we’d hate to leap to conclusions. After all, sometimes a semen stain is just a semen stain. And some guys probably do explode at the brush of an elbow or an accidental glimpse of cleavage on public transportation. But here’s something we do know: It’s perfectly within your rights as this dude’s girlfriend to say, “Hey Monica Lewinksy, what’s up with the semen stain?” Whether or not you believe his answer is entirely up to you.
Crime scene investigators,
Em & Lo
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