All posts by Em & Lo

Dream Interpretation: I Got Shot with an Arrow and My Ex Just Lit a Cigarette

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cupids_arrow1 photo by adactio

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means (after the jump). This week, a woman asks Lauri:

Last night I dreamed that I was fighting with my ex husband. There was the usual yelling and screaming quite loud. And then a neighbor got ticked that we were being so loud and he shot me with his bow and arrow, twice. I was in incredible pain but didn’t seem too concerned that I had two arrows sticking clear through me. I even went and changed clothes and used the restroom. My ex said that he was going to eat and smoke a cigarette and then he’d take me to the ER. We didn’t seem to be in a panic about getting there. So I’m having trouble getting in the car and sitting because of these arrows but we finally get to the ER. That’s when I woke up.

Lauri: “Shot through the heart and you’re to blame, baby, you give love a bad name.” Do these lyrics hit home with you? Because according to this dream, they do! You were specifically shot with arrows, rather than a gun, which is a good indication this is indeed about cupid’s arrow. In other words, you were once madly in love but now that love has turned to pain. This is why you feel pain in the dream. Emotional pain in waking life often shows up in our dreams as physical pain… and your dream is showing you that you are carrying this emotional pain around with you daily just as you were going about your day with arrows through you in the dream. And notice how you even change clothes and use the restroom! That is significant as it suggests you have tried to “change” your mindset and have even tried to “relieve yourself” of and flush away the frustration and pain. Unfortunately, it is still in you. The fact that you wind up at the ER in the dream is a good indication the situation is getting urgent. Something is happening that is causing you to want to hurry up and heal already. Is it another relationship? Just keep in mind that when you were fighting with the ex in your dream, you were actually fighting with yourself. Perhaps you are mad at yourself for being in that relationship, or peeved because you can’t seem to let go of the pain. Whatever the case, I’ve learned that forgiving yourself is the best medicine.

Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. Anonymity guaranteed! And don’t forget: you can get access to Lauri’s free Dream Dictionary on her site.

Evolutionary Psychologists Do It with Blinders On

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sperm_and_egg photo by gniliep

Evolutionary psychology can be so annoying sometimes. Like when it tries to explain women’s modern-day preference for pink as some left-over instinct from hunter-gatherer days when they needed to be good at gathering berries, completely disregarding the fact that in the early 1900s pink was the color of choice for little boys and blue for little girls. And how many times have you heard that men are promiscuous because of their endless supply of sperm while women are selective because of the limited number of number of children they can squeeze out a uterus in a lifetime (though Mrs. Duggar might beg to differ) — how many cheating husbands have used that excuse? See: annoying. But one new study published in the journal Trends in Ecology and Evolution (and reviewed by LiveScience.com’s Science of Sex column) suggests that things might not be that simple…

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Blog Snog (05-01-09)

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myfirstdictionary My First Dictionary

A weekly roundup of some of our favorite sex- and love-related posts from various blogs and websites:

The hilarious Sarah Haskins dishes some tough love on the new reality show Tough Love, which tells single woman to stop being so “weird.”
Butchtastic has a fantastic review of this book called Rec Sex. Ever heard of it?
Heterosexuality is a house of cards that can collapse at any time.
Our new favorite blog, My First Dictionary, redefines words for grownups — “paste” is our top pick so far.
Our other new favorite is the “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotes. Check out the “love” that dare not speak its name.
Fail Blog has never disappointed us yet on a Friday, and worms in the rear is no exception.
RIP Bea Arthur. As our friend Josh Glenn blogged last year, Maude was the first and last prime-time TV character to have an abortion without being forced to suffer horribly for it in the plot. (more…)

Dept of Corrections: That Blows!

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We recently received a promo email in our inbox with the subject line “Critics Love the Blowguard!” The Blowguard is a “revolutionary” new product “designed by a dentist!” that’s supposed to assist you in giving the best blowjob ever. It’s basically a silicone mouth guard with a little chamber where you can stick a miniature, vibrating bullet. We read the email with interest, because when our intern Kristine deGuzman reviewed the product for us last year, she found it seriously lacking. Huh, we thought. Maybe we dismissed this “revolutionary” product too quickly.

But as we scrolled through the email, we discovered that one of those critics who was apparently so full of love for the Blowguard was our very own Kristine! “I couldn’t contain my excitement,” she is quoted as saying. “Time to blow my boyfriend’s, er, mind…”

Well, she did say that…before she opened the freakin’ package! After a couple of valiant attempts, she concluded that “it didn’t fit in my mouth well, it was definitely more of a joke than a turn-on, and it was more distracting than pleasurable for my boyfriend. The Blowguard is popular with the senior crowd (namely, those concerned with keeping their dentures in), and maybe it should stay that way.”

Those Blowguard bastards!

We know we’re kinda giving them more free publicity here than they deserve, so we’d like to suggest, if you value truth in advertising at all, that you boycott the Blowguard.

For the record, here is Kristine’s complete, unexpurgated review of this gimmick, as it originally appeared on the now defunct DailyBedpost.com. And kids, remember: Don’t believe everything you read about sex toys (unless you read it here):

15 Reasons Why Everyone Should Masturbate

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photo via flickr

Self-love won’t cure swine flu, but that’s pretty much the only shortcoming we can think of:

Getting a grip on yourself helps teach you the pattern of your own sexual response: What you like, what you don’t like, and what you hate more than anything else in the whole wide world.
Friggin’ your riggin’ helps you gain control over when and how soon you climax: Once you can recognize the point right before the point of no return, you can put on the brakes and avoid premature crashes.
Polishing your china helps you sleep — right before a nap, or as part of your bedtime ritual.
Playing with yourself is a great procrastination device/study break/boredom reliever. Way better than smoking or television.
DIY sex puts a smile on your face by releasing endorphins. So self-administer a mercy fuck after (or better yet, during) a bad day at work.
Jacking off can help kick-start a tired and listless sex drive.
Southern comfort puts you first for a change (assuming you’re not usually a selfish bastard). Do something nice for yourself: Walk your hand home.
Beating off evens the playing field when you want it more than your partner does. With the wave of a hand, presto: No more frustration!
Doing the handstroke is a self-fulfilling prophecy; the more you do it (and the earlier you start doing it), the more likely you are to do it into your old age. That image might gross you out now, but wait till you’re seventy.
Doing the hand jive is cheap and you’re easy, unlike most of your dates.
Not jerking off at all, according to sexologists, is more likely to lead to psychological problems than jerking off incessantly. This is an about-face from the widespread Victorian belief that shaking the bacon would drive you nuts. So stop the insanity!
Hand-to-gland combat gives you fresh breath. As long as you brush your teeth when you’re done.
Testing the plumbing before a date helps keep your head in the game.
Widespread wanking creates a more sensual world, adds to the supply of international karma, and thus brings us closer to world peace.
Masturbation is the shortest distance between you and an orgasm. Need we say more?

And one extra one, just for the ladies — because, let’s face it, they’re the ones who need the most encouragement to masturbate more often:

16. Orgasms can help relieve menstrual cramps and PMS, and fight yeast infections by increasing blood flow to the pelvic area. That alone is a pretty good reason to learn how to flick the bean, and flick it well.

"Classy Professionals" Seek Wingwomen for $35/Hour

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bar_was_gonna_call photo by colorcritical

Let’s say you’ve got enough disposable income — even in the middle of a recession — to call yourself a “classy professional” who drinks in “upscale bars.” And let’s say that — despite the recession — all this disposable income doesn’t seem to be working on the ladies like you’d hoped it would. You’re classy, of course, so you don’t want to actually pay someone to have sex with you. But paying a woman to help you find someone who’ll have sex with you for free? Now that you can do. And thus came into being our favorite Craigslist ad of the week:

Two classy professionals in their 30s, looking for serious relationships, recognize the well-known fact that it is much easier to meet women in social situations when a social, classy, positive, fun woman is with our group. So, we are looking for a wingwoman to join us in social situations mostly upscale bars and lounges. Being a wingwoman involves: Looking classy, Laughing, joking, having fun, and giving off positive energy & Casually starting conversations with women the guys you are with want to meet by asking a question, giving a compliment, etc. So, if you are easygoing, fun, and have positive energy we look forward to hearing from you! Include a photo with your response, and some comments on why you think you would be good at this work.

A friend of ours who responded reports that this gig pays $35/hour. Assuming your upscale cocktails are covered, not too shabby. And with the right wingwomen, we think this plan could actually work. Of course, the ethics of the operation start to look a little shady if you question the posters’ intent. “Serious relationships,” really, guys? If you seriously mean that, cross your hearts, then we apologize for our snide attitude — and we think it’s kind of sweet that you’re asking for help. But if you’re just looking to get laid? Then do your own damn dirty work!

• This post is a part of Sundance Channel’s Naked Love Blog
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Poll: Is Idol's Adam Lambert Gay?

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Is the frontrunner on “American Idol” Adam Lambert gay?(online surveys)

Can’t see the poll? Click here to take it.

Dear Em & Lo: Why Isn't He Calling Me Back?

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cat_phone photo by SYD_Rahim

Dear Em & Lo,

I am interested in this man and I think he is interested in me. I will call him if I am in his area and ask him to grab a drink with me and my friends. This is usually last minute. The past two times he was busy and it seemed legit. However, he doesn’t ever make alternate plans. I feel if he really wants to see me, he should try to see me no matter what. What gives?

— Hung Up

Dear H.U.

Argh, don’t make us say it! Your letter is like a trap just to get us to write that stupid catchphrase! We really wish we could think of a more original response. Oh screw it, we’re just gonna go ahead and say it: He’s just not that into you.

Man, that feels good to just let it out. Overuse be damned, sometimes the commercialized old chestnuts say it best. Still, why do we feel so dirty? The only reason we’re being unoriginal is that so many daters — both male and female — are unoriginal in their lameness.

Um, are we supposed to pay someone royalties now?

We’d like to break it down for you and explain the nuance in our answer, but really, there isn’t any. You call; he’s busy; he doesn’t make alternate plans. There are a million things that could be going on… like, for example, he dislikes last-minute plans, he’s a very busy guy, he doesn’t like alcohol, he doesn’t like your friends, he doesn’t have your number, he’s just letting you take the reins, he broke his dialing finger. But every single one of these million things could be easily overcome if he was really into you.

Just not that into coming up with our own catchphrase,
Em & Lo

Do It Tonight! Fake First-Date Confidence

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twilight_first_date photo via dutchtl

Confidence — as opposed to swollen-headed cockiness — is always sexy, and especially so on a date. You know how guys are always complaining that women ignore the nice guys in favor of bad boys who never call them back? Well, perhaps women aren’t just masochists who want to be walked all over; perhaps they simply appreciate the confidence that so-called bad boys tend to have in spades. Also, we suspect that a lot of jelly-spined, no-opinion, lacklustre guys tend to ignore their own faults and just blame it on women disliking “nice” guys. (And for the record, we should note that plenty of wussy women are guilty of the same sort of thing. e.g maybe he’s not, actually, an asshole for not calling her back; maybe she was just really quiet and boring.)

Little old ladies should be “nice.” Your Saturday night date should rock your world. And that takes confidence.

Whether you’re a nice boy or a nice girl, if you’re cursed with the first-date jitters, do whatever it takes to calm your nerves. Maybe it’s a yoga class, your lucky underwear, 100 jumping jacks, a certain location (e.g. a bar with a pool table where your stick skills will shine), a mantra chanted into the mirror, a pre-date shot with a good friend who will blow smoke up your ass, the perfect pair of jeans, a sneaky masturbation session…

If all else fails, just fake it. Remember, the person on the other side of the table is on a first date, too, so they’re probably too busy trying to fake their own confidence to notice if your act is a bit wobbly.

Confession: Turns Out I'm a Sucker for Feminist Art

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sackler_center_neon a piece at the Sackler Center

Our contributor Antonio Reis, a first year at Wesleyan, has a confession to make:

There are few things in this world that I find more welcoming than a giant, naked woman sprawled out across a chaise, looking deeply into the eyes of her beholder. And that’s just what will greet you if you make your way to the feminist art collection at the Brooklyn Museum.

At the entrance of The Elizabeth A. Sackler Center for Feminist Art hangs a giant wooden plank with a naked African woman reclining on a cushion. Sequins and other shiny materials add to her splendor. She stares deep into your eyes. I felt like Actaeon, bursting in upon Artemis, waiting for her glorious self to change me into a stag as punishment.

Inside the Center, there are myriad art mediums that each tell a dramatic tale. From films that express an artist’s opinion on female/male dress to an inverted lower-half of the female body in neon-light (pictured above), this exhibit is sure to delight the senses of any visitor, female or male, feminist or not. I certainly found almost all the pieces infinitely more interesting than Cy Twombly’s toddler-scribble representation of the Illyad at The Philidelphia Museum of Art.

Wise Guys: Is an Aversion to Cuddling a Sign?

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hand_holding photo by batega

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “If the guy I’ve started dating recently isn’t into cuddling or hand-holding, is that automatically a sign that he’s just not that into me, or are some guys just not into private or public displays of affection, no matter whether they’re in love or not?”

Straight Married Guy (Fred): I’ve heard that some men just aren’t into displaying affection. That’s lame and I think they are idiots. But I suspect there really aren’t that many of them. If a guy doesn’t want to cuddle he probably doesn’t want you to feel like he’s your boyfriend. He doesn’t want you to get too close, too fast. Similarly, he could argue that he doesn’t want to lead you on. Hand-holding for many guys is reserved for monogamous relationships. It is a public signal that he is taken. But, I also suspect that if Rebecca Romijn or Evangeline Lilly wanted to hold his hand he’d be very willing and happy to display to the world “I’m doing her!” So… he’s not that into you. But he may only need more time to get where you are.

Gay Married Guy (Jon Ross): Me, I’m a touchy-feely kind of guy. If I’m digging someone, I let them know it, physically, in as many ways as possible. After some good, or even mediocre sex, there’s nothing better than a nice cuddle to cap off the experience. However, my hubby isn’t so lovey-dovey. He gets hot very quickly and basically endures it for my sake for as long as he can, which usually amounts to about 45 seconds. It used to bother me, but I’ve realized it’s just a quirk of his and really has no bearing on how he feels about me. So I wouldn’t read too much into it if your man isn’t a cuddle bug or or happy hand holder. Ask him, or just give him some time. There are dozens of reasons why he may be just not that into it, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not into you.
(more…)

Naked News (04-28-09)

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coffee_spank1 photo by frankie_m

I love you, now bend over: a new study finds that spanking brings couples together.
Tupperware schmupperware: Mother Knows Sex is a TLC TV special airing on May 10th about a mom of four who has made millions selling sex toys.
Good news: The FDA allows 17-year-olds to get morning-after emergency contraception without prescription.
Onion “news”: Children exposed to pornography may expect sex to be enjoyable.

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered

Your Call: My GF Almost Had a Fling…Then Tells Me the Guy Looks Like a Pornstar!

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male_underwear_pornstar photo by macsurak

We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:

Dear Em & Lo,

My girlfriend recently told me about this guy she has thought about having sex with. She even let him chase her at one point while we were going out. I totally knew something was up and kept asking her but she kept on denying it. She said there was a party she went to when he was there and she could have easily had sex with him but didn’t want to because, well, she just didn’t want to — not because she was in a relationship or anything! This really got to me, I just feel like she has no respect for me or our relationship. At the time that this was going on, we were having a rough patch and she said that this is why she entertained the idea. But I said we hadn’t split up so it was not cool. We were then watching a porno together a few days ago and then she turns round and says, “Oh that guy looks like the builder” (the guy she thought about sleeping with). I got turned off and annoyed that she brought it up. Am I overreacting?

–Not the Builder (more…)

Sex Sells…Anything

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pubic_hair_soup_bowl

Pubic hair dinner plate by Ana Mir

This collection of 32 unnecessarily naughty products proves that any product you can possibly think of can be made X-rated. We understand the market for gimmicky bachelor and bachelorette party favors, but sexy stained glass and cookie jars? Now that’s just plain wrong. Is nothing sacred anymore? And actually, most of the items on this list aren’t even novelty crap. Of course there’s the obligatory sexist sound system, the hairy bush change purse, and the plastic pole dancer alarm clock (which we kind of like for its potential Pavlovian effect — imagine the alarm clock owner visiting a strip club and every time a stripper grinds up against the pole, he feels the urge to go home and take a cold shower).

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The 13 Types of Casual Sex

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kiss_bw photo by _StaR_DusT_

rec sex: Joy riding, wherein you are happily being ridden or are happily riding someone else. Short for “recreational sex,” this kind of fucking-for-the-fun-of-it usually comes from a positive, happy place; in other words, if you were depressed or heartbroken or enraged, the sex you had shouldn’t officially be called rec sex. But, really, any sex between two or more consenting adults outside of a long-term relationship could be referred to as rec sex. And rec sex doesn’t ensure that there won’t be any negative consequences (like heartbreak, jealousy, confusion, or STDs). But while you’re doing it, you’re not worried about the future: You’re in the moment. Rec sex is often employed as a more cheery synonym for casual sex, and is particularly common after one has sold a first novel, won the lottery, or received a refund on their tax return.
booty call sex: Sex with a friend-with-benefits or a new lust interest that’s arranged via a phone call or text message made after 11pm usually because there are no better prospects and/or you’ve been drinking.
appointment sex: A more formalized version of the booty call. This kind of sex scheduling is usually done more than 24 hours in advance, when both parties are sober. Email invitations tend to be favored over more casual text messaging messages or impromptu phone calls. This kind of arrangement happens more frequently among the older set-work-a-holics, recovering alcoholics, single parents, people for whom fart jokes have lost their charm, i.e., those who no longer have the patience (or the liver) to wait until closing time to make a booty call.
ex sex: Sex with a previous partner, usually because they’re easy and you’re lazy. A.k.a. double dipping, blue- binning, recycling, returning to the well.
cereal sex: A random one-night stand in the middle of a sexual/romantic dry spell: It’s delicious while it lasts, but it’s not filling, and an hour later you’re hungrier than you were before you “ate.”

Scientists Debunk Beer Goggles Theory

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coyote_ugly photo by twodolla

Turns out you can no longer blame booze the next time you wake up in a coyote ugly situation. In fact, researchers at the University of Leicester in England found that drinking alcohol actually reduces the attractiveness of the opposite sex. Participants in the study, in various stages of intoxication, were shown photos of people and asked to rate their attractiveness. The results also showed that alcohol and make-up barely affect a man’s ability to guess a woman’s age.

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