There is a long-standing debate over whether porn is good for you or bad for you. We received two questions from straight women decidedly in the “bad for you” camp. So we “remixed” our Wise Guys’ thoughts on the topic with some of our own to come up with advice for straight women disturbed by their partners’ porn consumption:
Dear Em & Lo, I just learned my amazing college boyfriend uses porn to masturbate, at least twice a week. Understand, we’re not talking an unhealthy dependency on porn, and he remains very focused on me when we have sex. He says it’s just an old habit from high school. I consider myself very tolerant, and I am aware that most guys indulge in this kind of thing. However, I can’t understand why he needs the help of a girl he’s never met to satisfy himself. I realize there is high quality porn available that helps empower women, but that’s not the sort he described to me as his preference. I just can’t understand the appeal of what he’s watching. To a degree, I almost feel cheated on. I’m not ridiculous, and wouldn’t demand an ultimatum or anything silly like that. I just don’t understand.
Dear Em & Lo, My wonderful husband and I have a full and varied sex life, yet my husband insists on watching porn. I generally like porn for us to watch together. What he does however is watch porn during the day when I am not home. I have asked him several times to not do this and he either says he will stop or is non-committal. Now what he does is watch it anyway but deletes it from the history in the computer. My question is, am I wrong to ask this of him? Do I need to just get over this issue even though it really bothers me?
Dear Porn Patrol,
Let’s take your relationship with shoes or women’s magazines or whatever guilty pleasure you enjoy: imagine if your partner said he was viscerally opposed to it, thinks it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and suggested that it might be a deal breaker. Or imagine if he asked you to give up masturbation*, because he should be enough for you. You’d be bummed, because you know those things don’t impact the love you have for your partner. You might, out of generosity and kindness, give them up, but then you’d probably become bitter and resentful for being forced to change. The same could go for him and you might find he ends up on somewhere such as hdsexvideo or similar websites a little more frequently than twice or so a week.
We understand how porn makes you feel uncomfortable and unloved and disrespected — we’ve been there — but really, from your partner’s perspective, it has nothing to do with you; you’re not in any competition with it; it’s a normal and almost unavoidable part of being a sexual being in this Internet age (and we’re not just talking men; plenty of women enjoy porn regularly, too). Honestly, you’ll have a hard time finding a man who doesn’t like porn; it’s hard enough to find one who doesn’t like sports!
This is not to say that all porn is harmless. Some studies (cited here) found that men’s porn use was associated with lower quality sex and lower levels of intimacy in their relationships. We think that the prevalence of porn can be blamed for a lot of the misconceptions young people (and plenty of adults) have today about pleasure and safety and what constitutes sex and what works for women’s bodies and what it means to treat people with decency and respect. Which is why it’s so important not only for decent, realistic sex education to be readily and widely available, but for people — especially women — to support the production of quality, feminist porn (like Erika Lust’s films), because porn ain’t going away.
Of course, you can’t dictate people’s sexual fantasies or tell them what they can and can’t watch, like some uptight Big Brother. Well, you can try if, you’re their partner, but it probably won’t go over so well. Which is why it’s better to tell them how you feel. Compromises can be made on both sides so everyone’s more at ease.
Maybe you try to find something that turns you on, that you find acceptable so you can see where he’s coming from, as it were. Maybe so you could even enjoy it together! At least two studies (cited here) showed that women’s use of porn correlated with higher quality sex lives.
And you can certainly encourage him to stay away from the more disturbing stuff, like, say, Brazilian fart porn — there is plenty of good, old-fashioned, healthy and responsible boot-knocking going on out there by consenting adults who aren’t on drugs. But if he’s compulsively watching porn instead of having sex with you, or his porn consumption is disrupting his work or school or social outings or daily living, then you’re in your rights to strongly recommend he seek professional help.
Assuming it’s not an actual problem for him, and you can’t find a way to get into it yourself, but you’re not willing to walk away from the relationship, then ask him to keep a private thing (and if he’s doing this already, consider it him being polite!). Don’t talk about it, definitely don’t watch it, don’t snoop for signs of it. In this case, ignorance can be bliss.
Em & Lo
*Masturbation is something you should continue to do whether you’re in a relationship or not, married or not — it’s good for you to have some quality alone time!
