Getting By with a Little Help from a Sportsgasm

photo by Todd Huffman

When Craig Venezia, the man behind the Faking a Sportsgasm blog, wrote to us suggesting that our sites had a lot in common, we were wary. On the one hand, we love that he makes fun of macho dudes who slobber and moan over balls and hard pucks. But on the other hand, we’re against faking of any kind — and it seems like Craig just wants to blend in with all the face-painted sports fans. Which would mean that slobbering macho dudes win. And on the other other hand, part of us thinks that Craig just might be pulling everyone’s leg.

But then Craig uploaded his Faking a Sportsgasm song to his blog, set to the tune of YMCA, with lyrics like “A discharge of your testosterone / You can do it when you’re all alone / But it’s more fun, when you’re with other guys / Then you can all do high fives.” Okay, so (a) that is hilarious on so many levels, and choosing the YMCA tune was a stroke of genius. And (b) the recording actually sounds really good and surprisingly professional, which leads us to think that Craig is serious and not pulling our leg. We’re still not down with the faking, but we’re totally down with making fun of sports fans in song, and so we decided to ask Craig a few questions and let him explain his mission in his own words.

So, let’s start with a definition: What is a sportsgasm?

In its simplest form, a sportsgasm is intense excitement, akin to sex, caused by watching and subsequently talking about sports. Here’s a “formal” definition that I’ve developed which, at some point, I’d like to see make it into Merriam-Webster’s dictionary.

sports∙ga∙sm sports-ga-zem n [NL sportus orgasmus, fr. Gk sportos orgasomos, fr. sports organ to grow ripe, be lustful (of sports); prob. akin to Skt urja sap; strength, (ca. 2010): to cause intense or paroxysmal excitement from witnessing physical activity (as an athletic game); esp: an explosive discharge of testosterone, typically induced by the consumption of starches derived from the brewing and fermentation of mainly cereal grain (most commonly malted barley) and flavored with hops. Occurs most often in front of large screen television or in stadium-like setting — sports∙gas∙mic sports-gaz-mik also sports∙gas∙tic sports-gas-tik adj

Okay, we’re with you so far. But why should men learn to fake a sportsgasm?

Sports talk rears its head daily at work and in life. Wherever you turn, someone’s always talking about “the game.” Clearly, it’s a social obsession. It doesn’t matter if it’s baseball, football, basketball or hockey. Soccer is debatable, unless you happen to be hanging out with a bunch of South Americans or Europeans.

Long ago I learned that when you talk sports, you bond with people, lots of people. Not just men but many women too. Heck, it’s a massive bonding orgy. Bonding can mean closing that next business deal, getting an invite to that hip party, making it to that critical second date and more. Unless you want to be a social eunuch, castrated by your inability to talk sports, you’ve got to learn how to fake a sportsgasm.

How do you fake one — tell us about the last time you did this…

Be specifically vague. For example, just last week I was waiting on the platform for my train when this sports talker hits me with classic “How ‘bout that game last night?” I had no idea what he was talking about so I nodded and said “Can you believe it?” The beauty of this answer was that it was non-committal. It didn’t say whether or not I watched said game and it didn’t matter how it turned out. It could have been great or lousy.

This answer also applied what I call the “reverse question block.” That is, I answered a question with a question. In doing so, I got the sports talker to do most of the talking. I just nodded every so often while parroting back what he said and adding a couple of vague phrases like “Yea, I know what you mean,” “I hear you on that one,” or, my favorite, “Don’t even get me started on that.” Worked like a charm.

Read the rest of this interview on SUNfiltered