I Married a Slob and She Won’t Do Anything Around the House

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Dear Em & Lo,

When my wife and I started dating, I noticed she was a bit of a slob. That’s not the way I was raised. My mom was the first one up and gone to work. After 8-10 hours as a nurse, she would leave work. Stop at the grocery store, buy something to cook for 5 of us. While dinner was going on she was doing laundry, washing, drying, and folding clothes. My dad would get home about 5:00 pm, cut grass, and do other yard work. Homework would be checked, then eat. I guess I grew up too idealistic, I thought that would be how it would be when I married. Man, was I in for a surprise.

She was raised a little differently. There was someone on the payroll to do these things. I addressed this when she lived in an apartment which was not just a mess, it was awful. So awful I cleaned it myself several times. She explained that when we got married and got something of our own she would change. At 21 years old, boy was I played.

After the wedding we had to rent an apartment, nothing changed, raised hell. Again she explained, it wasn’t ours. This was 8 months into the marriage, and I realized I had made a mistake, but didn’t give up. Kept my part up. Grass cutting, weed eating, helping a lot inside the house, thinking I have —– up.

Finally in late 1999 we bought a 10 year old house. I went to work, planted seeds, and sodded some grass. Painted 3 bedrooms and a playroom in the basement, and laid tile in a 24’x24′ room by myself. It was important to make sure that our electrics, heating, and plumbing were right too, so I had companies like www.summersphc.com/greenfield/services/plumbing/tankless-water-heater/ on speed dial just in case something went wrong, so it wouldn’t be too hard for her to help out. Guess what, no change, at all. I did as much or more of the laundry as she did. Loaded dishwasher, mopped, and vacuumed as much as she did for about 9 years. Started feeling like a fool. Many arguments and hard feeling. After all that time of begging, crying, I made the realization she had lied to me the whole time. I worked 10-12 hours a day and got plenty done after I got home.

I started going to a dark spot. It got to the point I could not look at her. I would ask her to mop the floor, and she always had a reason. She knew how I felt about these things. I just decided this was as good as it was going to get. I did not want to leave. We have an 11 yo and a 15 yo.

It got so awful I left, then I hear she has had an affair. I went to a place I had never been before, I was angry, hurt, and betrayed. Time has passed, the boys and I are doing great. She is miserable, she won’t let me get my stuff. I trusted this girl for 30 years so I let her handle the divorce.

What could I have done differently?

— Mr. Clean

Any advice for Mr. Clean on what he could have done differently, or what he can do now? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below.


  1. Unfortunately, most people can’t change. It isn’t that they don’t want to but really can’t/

  2. I need help too! My wife and I have been married for 8 years we have two kids a 6 year old who never listens and a 3 year old who is just as rambunctious. My wife does hasn’t worked in 6-7 years, she doesn’t cook( literally not an exaggeration she does NOT cook anything unless it’s some eggs for herself or ready made Mac n cheese for the kids) and she doesn’t clean. There’s clothes strewn all about the house. Every chair or table we have she has something piled onto it wether it be books or clothes or just crap. The worst part is she went to back school to be a nurse. For the last two years I’ve put up with it because she would always say once her school is done she would start handling some of the domestic load(and I figured with a second income we would be better off). Now that her schooling is done she literally comes up with an excuse why she has to hide herself away and study more or type up something. Our kids are in school all day we pay(I should say I since it’s the only income but I never do because I don’t want her to feel bad)extra for after school program so we can pick them up later. I ask her why she couldn’t get the typing or studying done from 9am-5pm. There’s always some excuse she’s home from 9am-5pm kid free and the house is a mess literally nothings been done dishes piled to the ceiling no thought of what the kids will eat for dinner(I don’t even care about myself anymore I just realize that there’s no food for me when I come home so I always eat late at work). When I get home I try to tackle emptying the dish washer and then doing all the dirty dishes then I try and wipe down the counters and stove but when I turn around the entire house is destroyed. I’m ultra depressed at this point. I heat up some hotdogs for myself and she chimes in to make an extra for the kids. They live on Mac n cheese and hotdogs! Then she tells me that when I pick the kids up stop by the grocery store and get milk, eggs and god knows what. She wants me to take a 6 year old and a three year old food shopping at what is now rush hour!She’s telling me this when’s she’s been home for 8 hours with no job and no kids around! 5pm the kids come home and then she tells me she has work to do on the computer(still no job but more school work). So I feed the kids try and clean up but it’s hopeless at this point because they’ve taken all their toys out by this time. Just when I think I’ll get some help she says it’s time for her to take a shower! At 7:30 at night just before the kids bath time! She’s been home all day with no kids for 8 hours and she couldnt even bother to shower?!?!! I love her and the kids they’re my whole life but I’ve reached my breaking point I’ve told her I want a divorce even though it’s not what I want. We’ve had the same old arguments for years. All I ever say to her is just do one thing a day cleaning I told her to not even to worry about cooking since she never has. I the end this is really the end I think…..

    1. You either have to learn to deal with it or leave, she won’t change. People in general these days have gotten extremely lazy. It’s awesome for people like me because the bar is set so low that everyone acts like I am super mom, but used to, it was just normal for women to keep the house clean. Now if a stay at home parent cleans the house once a year, they want a medal and recognition for doing their job. I have a sister-in-law that has three bio kids and one step kid living with her. The three older ones go to school all day from 6-4(bus times make them leave early and get home late), so all she has at home is a one year old. Her house is GROSS. She is on facebook all day, outside smoking all day, and doing some weird arts and crafts crap, but then complains that there is not enough time to clean the house. She then expects my brother to come home after a long day of work to take care of the kids and do housework because, “Staying at home with kids is the hardest job in the world.” It infuriates me. I have four kids. One is special needs. I homeschool all of them. I never run an errand or have even 30 minutes without them. Yet, my house is spotless. No laundry ever built up, no dishes in the sink, no crumbs on the floor, no beds unmade, the bathroom is cleaned daily, the house is swept and mopped 1-2 times a day, the walls and baseboards are scrubbed twice a week; and I never complain or say it’s hard, because it is really not. It’s just about cleaning when you see a mess and staying on top of things. Doing all of that and then seeing parents try to get sympathy because their husband or wife doesn’t understand the difficulties of being at stay at home parent bugs me. You need to do your job at home and don’t expect people to think you’re amazing, it’s your JOB. If you decide to get married, have kids, and then stay at home, then do your effing work! I couldn’t handle the amount of laziness that people put up with these days. I have tried giving my sister-in-law help and tips to get her house clean, but eventually realized she would rather play over worked victim and gave up. Some people will never change and it seems like that is what you are going through. Time to put up with it or leave.

    2. Dude, my wife is the same. I dont understand how fucking lazy she is. I used to work in film, 17 hour days, and still come home to take care of the kids and clean the fucking house. Her excuse is always the kids are driving her crazy and shes too busy. When I’m home alone with the kids I always find time to clean, do the dishes, and literally do every house hold chore she never had time for . What pisses me off the most is she leaves old dirty diapers laying around, so the place stinks. She also never throws out the fucking garbage. Instead, she hides trash bags all over the house until i find them infested with bugs. She never does a load of laundry, like seriously ever. If it weren’t for me the laundry wouldn’t get folded afterwards either. She seriously doesnt lift a finger. And lately shes been demanding baths because shes so stressed. She hasn’t worked in five years. Despite me begging her to get a job because we need a second income. Instead her excuse is we dont have child care so she stays with the kids. When I do find babysitters, she tells me shes not ready. I’ve learned to hate her to be honest. I want a divorce because of how lazy she is, and that’s not even going into the actual marital issues. She used to never shower too which was really gross. I dont understand how shes so comfortable living in shit literally because she doesnt pick up fucking diapers. I swear I’m a fucking maid on top of being the only one with a job.

        1. Depression— the ultimate cop out. Yeah, my wife says she’s too depressed to do her dishes, clean anything, etc. but she’s content while playing video games 40 hours a week. She’s not clinically depressed. She was just spoiled by her Mom who did all household chores for her. My Mom did the same for me but I still learned good cleaning habits. I’m depressed about her forcing me to live in her squalor.

          I had a male roommate before her who was equally lazy. Never cleaned and dirtied every one of my dishes and refused to do them for months. When my wife was my girlfriend she came to my place for the first time and made the mistake of going into his bathroom. She said she almost stopped dating me because it was so disgusting. Now that were married we have separate bathrooms because hers is equally as disgusting as my ex roommate’s. Unless a person has clinical depression there is no excuse for laziness.

  3. I feel this guy, althought it was not always this way in my marriage, it only started to go down, when she decided, she just did not want to do, things…one things turned into another, another, and another. Then she got a job, for the sole purpose of our agruments…which where, i worked 12-15 hours a day, she could do a little work around the house. I did not even expect mass cleaning, A room a day, and general tidy work. So she got a full time job..so she could get out of doing house work. But here is how it goes.

    Mon – 230am wake, ready, 330am clock in, 230pm clock out, go home, sit till 330pm, pick up kid one 350pm, go home, homework 430pm, wife wakes up for her job 430pm, make her coffee, make her more coffee, bathe young kid one 500-600, if wife is not in shower, if kid two needs picking up from a practice go get kid 2, come home, 700 start a dinner, 730 wife leaves, kids eat, i clean it up cause one is tiny 2foot nothing, and one is lazy teen…main excuse “i forgot”. then my turn….shower, eat, BED….at 930pm

    TUE – same but worse cause there is a second kid practice. and my work day is 2 hours longer, so things get moving later, so not bed till 10-1030pm…wake at 230am…..

    wen – same as monday

    THURS – exactly tueday…except first tiny kid, has cheer practice from 530-615, so everything is delayed more delayed.

    FRI—EXHAUSTED AS FUCK…same as monday….with more time, as im off on the weekend, and its one of my short work days..so i get a extra hour to sit..

    SAT n SUN – sleep in, cause i barely get over 26hours sleep all week. time to try to do something, but am so burned out i lay around all day…same for sunday…except for dinner..its made by the grandfather, but i have to do all the clean up…


    MON – come home at 5-6am if she stopped to shop for cloths, or some food items, mostly cakes, and cereal. stays up till 10 or 11am watching tv and playing phone…and then sleep…wake 430-500pm, waits for me to make her coffee, sits and watches tv, 600-645 depending if she feels more lazy, gets shower, gets ready, gets angry cause she cant find this or that….leaves for work 730pm….now her commute is 1hr 30 min…clocks in at 9pm.

    tue – same unless she works over, then she comes home at 9am or 10am instead of 5am or 6am….does the same as monday…leaves at 730..

    wen – same

    thur – same

    fri- she off – sleeps all day, all night all day….into mid saturday – goes to work

    sat – same as ever day but fri

    sun- same.. as every day but fri

    LAZY TEEN – shit-tastic job, quater of half assed…mess cloths all over couch, not folded…supposed to take out garbage too- have to get onto him non stop…it piles up 3 4 bags…house smells of rotting garbage…cause he has to be yelled at to make him do anything.

    who cleans, me, if i am not exhausted,

    our house is a FUCKING MESS…it looks worse than a hobo town in our house…like a fucking horde person lives here…wife has so much FUCKING CLOTHING…it is in bags, in our room piled too the fucking roof, in the bathroom haging all over, and off the shower rail….in our kitchen in bags, piled from sink to stove to back door 4 ft high off ground…

    and then she tells me…

    I NEED HELP AROUND HERE, which is her way of saying…she wants everyone else to do it, AS SHE IS DOING NOTHING AT ALL TO NEED HELP WITH…

    i ask her take out garbage – THATS A MANS JOB
    Do your own laundry – I DONT GO TO LAUNDRY ROOM, THERE ARE RATS <it was one time 5 years ago. has not done laundry in 5 years…i have to do it when teen run off to play with his friends.

    Wash some of these dishes – the smell makes me throw up, you do them, i do do them all the time…well we will keep doing it like that..

    CLEAN UP ALL THESE GODDAMN CLOTHS – i will get around to it, i am just tired. and lazy TEE HEE….i am going to have to BURN THEM WITH FIRE…cause im not sortting them..ill fucking dump em all first..

    I love my wife i really do…i do not want to find someone else, i want her to try and be part of the solution, instead of the problem. but in end, if things do not change soon even after 9 years…i will stop the relationship..

    cause i did not keep this house like this…when i was here alone…it was spotless….and i would be lazy all week..and not make any mess.. cause i still did how i was raised..dirty a dish wash it then…

    laundry in hamper, did it on friday or saturday…2-3 loads..

    i bet your my wife has at least 500 or more shirts, and 50 or more pants…and 10 -15 purses, and at least 12 pairs of shoes.

    me i have about 20 shirts 7 for work, 7 Ts for going out the rest are over shirts or dress shirts.

    pants about 10, 3 are dress pants, rest are jeans…

    I have 1 pair sneakers, 1 pair boots, 1 pair work shoes.

    i have 10 pairs of socks..

    WIFE 1 billion socks, with only 1% having a match..

    i could cloth a entire village in africa with the cloths my wife, son, and daughter have…cause my wife also buys them tons of cloths every fucking week…

    the only thing she is good at anymore, is swiping a bank card…and blaming me for everything.

    1. Oh wow, Lee, that sounds pretty awful. Might couples therapy be an option? Maybe in conjunction with the Kon Marie method? Best of luck to you!

  4. I am in the same situation. 9 years married. At the begining if my marriage, I started to notice that she didn’t want to cook, to clean. I had a job (so I paid the bills), she had no job. She simply didn’t care. She just *knew* that I was going to do the work in the end… why to bother, then?

    Nine years passed. We had 4 children. I had two jobs during 8 years. I had to pay for a cleaner/caretaker, 8h a day. My wife did nothing, simply she was nagging around and not putting any effort to find a job, neither to cook or do household job. My marriage was an inferno. I tried to comfront the situation: she simply reacted with verbal violence. She didn’t care about bills, home economics, house work, finding a job… sheveven wentvto the Caribean with my credit card leaving me with the 4 kids and my (external) job to do + all the household.

    Finally, she decided to file for divorce. I think it is going to be a relieve to get away of this abuse.

  5. I’m in a relationship like that, and went to a therapist. She advised me that I should note down how much time I spend chores, and ask her to do the same. She said yes, but did nothing, and I ended up noting down two hours of chores per day. I confronted her, which led to a big fight. Her main arguments were ‘this is not my house’ (I’m the one who bought it), and ‘this is not my mess’ (as in; she won’t fold my laundry, and her laundry doesn’t need folding, according to her)

    Next, I asked the therapist what to do, who advised me to note down how much cleaning is ‘her’s’, and how much is ‘mine’. If I finish a cup of tea, I move the cup to the dishwasher, so there’s no ‘mess’, while she leaves it on the table, bumps it to the floor two days later, and then pushes it under the couch ‘so she can clean it up later’ (I’m serious; this was her line of reasoning).

    To make matters worse, she’s lazy in everything. I get up two hours before her, take care of the baby, clean up the house, and start working from home for a bit. She just lies there.

    Then, when I convince her to get up, I can finally clean myself up and get ready for work. When I’m ready to leave, shes in the middle of a pile of toys from the baby, playing a game on her phone. And I know that pile will grow throughout the day, and before I can start making dinner in the evening, I will need to clean it up.

    I’ve been talking to my friends about this, and they all say “You love her, but she doesn’t care about you.”
    My therapist said “You’re sacrificing everything for someone who doesn’t reciprocate.”

    Right now, I’m planning on leaving. I can give my child a happy life in a nice home, which won’t smell like a garbage tip. I’m lucky I’ve only been in this relationship for a few years, though.

    OP: there are more people like you out there. Doing 100% of all chores should never be a part of a romantic relationship. Hold on, and you’ll find someone who cares enough about you to actually do a bit of housework.

  6. If you married her thinking she would change, you have already lost. Things that bothered you before the marriage only get magnified during a marriage. You learn to live with them, you hope to modify them, But don’t expected to occur. You’re fighting upbringing and condition behavior. You either have to find a middle ground or learn to live with it.

  7. Don’t just nit pick on what doesn’t get done because that’s really annoying (your not her mother) instead try to focus on the good things in life because that’s the glue

  8. Dear Mr. Clean,

    You could have accepted your wife at anytime and then gotten divorced. You married a partner but wanted a maid. Trying to change your significant other only ever leads to heartache.

    You said you noticed your “wife (future) was a bit of a slob.” And said, “that’s not the way I was raised.”

    I’m not sure if you caught the communication breakdown there..

    Most people reading that would think that you thought your future wife was messy and that in contrast you had been raised to keep *yourself* and your own space clean and organized growing up and had continued on in the same manner into adulthood.

    But, Instead you went straight into how your mother was different and a selfless, domestic paragon of Wife hood

    Why would your wife ever take on “these things” (domestic work?) that in her family had been outsourced to “someone on the payroll”– which freed up your wife’s mother’s (and maybe father’s) time for other things?

    You expected your wife to take on *all* the domestic work that in her experience had been relegated to an individual you describe as “someone on the payroll,” which by its very impersonal description implies a minimum wage service- industry worker *employed* to handle the menial, servant-like tasks.

    Do you see how expecting your wife to take on an *entire* service-industry job — for no reason other than you do not feel like doing the menial work– tells your wife that you believe you are more important than she is???

    Why do you believe you deserved a better quality of life than your wife?

    Clearly she loved you to stay with you so long – even though your actions told her on an ongoing basis you did not believe she was your equal

    It its so ironic and darkly funny and tragic that even at the End you were still trying to change her and expected her to take care of something (the divorce) 100% with the expectation you would benefit. You know the definition of insanity- doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. The frustration alone must have caused you inordinate amounts of stress.

    Just let your stuff go and move on- you’re never going to get what you want from your now ex-wife.

    Online dating will be tough if you decide to get back in the game – you may want to try OurTime.com.

    There are quite a few senior ladieswho may be open to the type of relationship you have wanted. My grandmother for one. She will never believe her time is as important as a mans and gets very uncomfortable anytime she has to sit for more that 15 minutes,believing that for her to relax is selfish .
    You may also consider looking into mail order brides although you do have to pay up front.

    Good luck,

    Megan, 39
    Happily married
    Madison, Wisconsin

    1. Ha, that’s some seriously tough love, Megan! But very well put. In the letter writer’s defense, it does seem like he was willing to do 50% of all the household chores, he just wanted her to do the other 50%… (though we’re guessing she didn’t see it that way!). His biggest mistake was thinking his wife would change, simply by wearing a wedding band. The take-away? If there are things that are deal-breakers for you, bring them up before you walk down the aisle. Or, you know, say nothing and suffer in silence for decades.

    2. Megan you are so off its sad. Try reading…reading really does help. What this guy is going through is so common nowadays. Life isn’t how it used to be we actually have to be genuine partners and when a man is working a full time job along with taking care of all the household chores all by himself, it’s shouldn’t be a shock that he gets pissed off that his wife not only doesn’t help but to make it worse she is a slob and messes up the places the guy cleans. Megan just read…your response appears to be for a guy that expects his wife to do things that he isn’t willing to do himself. For example, I cleaned the entire house did all the laundry cooked meals for two days and washed all the dishes plus got the oil changed in the car and tires rotated. Not to mention paid all the household bills. I go on a three day business trip and come back to see dirty laundry all over the floor, dishes everywhere even the bedroom, no food in the house, and the car looks like someone lived in it the last three days. Now let me ask you Ms.Genius, does that sound fair to you? Does it sound like an equal partnership? In this age of post-modern feminism women cannot marry men and then revert to childhood, then get upset at us for acting like their parent. It’s insanity – be an adult and do your part. If you want a maid to cover your part then get your lazy ass out to get a second job. Girls today grew up treated like princesses, and yes when we marry you we are your prince and we treat you like a princess. But eventually we have to grow up, and all I want is for her to be a queen and behave like an adult who takes initiative and partners with me. Is that too much to ask? I totally feel where this guy is coming from

      1. Agreed- Megan should learn to process what she’s reading.

        I am an OCPD homemaker while my husband works. We had originally agreed, before our daughter was born, that obviously I would be doing more housework initially, but now that I’m looking to go back to work, I’m worried he will continuing being a slob when he’s home (all while playing videogames as much as possible).
        Saying ‘girls today grew up treated like princesses’ is sexist, as it’s not just girls. As an only child, I knew I was on the spoiled side, but didn’t let it turn me into a brat. My husband (along with his sisters) grew up having ‘ppl on payroll’ too however – THIS is the problem. Everyone: teach your children to do housework and not expect to be waited on!! His parents tried bragging to me that their children were never left wanting – I responded: that didn’t really help them in the long run though, did it?
        They reluctantly agreed.

    3. Wow…the perfect response…I m a guy and i totally understood what ur trying to say… Lot of guys these days want their wife to be like their mother and work like a maid!

      1. Happy Guy,
        I’m right with this guy. I am in the same situation. I work full time and my wife stays home. We both had an agreement of the roles this entails. As time slowly went on, the internet and social media became her life. I get home, do laundry, clean, take kids to their practices, do yard work, pay the bills, etc. meanwhile the house is how I left it when I left for work. I don’t really agree with idleness. If she’s going to be idle then she should go to work and put money towards the household. It’s maddening to have the stresses of a job and then come home to have to do EVERYTHING! You get resentful and next thing you know you cannot even look at them. My wife became so obsessed with Facebook that she started bugging me about taking her on vacations we cannot afford. She started wanting to keep up with the Jones’ And adopt their life. Eventually she turned to Bulimia and started ignoring the children completely. I almost divorced her but didn’t want the kids to go through that so I backed off and tried working it out. She never got help because I was the one who wanted to “fix” her. All I wanted was to help her for our children’s sake. Well… here I am a year into trying to work it out and I’m just as annoyed than before. Nothing gets done and I do 90% of the household stuff. I’m not looking for a maid, im looking for a partner!

    4. How the hell does he want a maid??? It sounds like all he wants is for her tomorrow be a pig. You know be an adult human being and pick up after yourself.

    5. Megan, you’re a moron and apparently can’t read – or you’re blindly projecting your own issues on a completely different problem.

    6. What a load of old tosh. I have never read so much rubbish in all my life. You sound like a right nightmare.

    7. Why are you assuming that housework is less valuable than having a job? Don’t you care about the quality of life for your own family? Isn’t that just as important?

  9. There were several things you could have done differently. First, and most important, was taking responsibilities for your own interests. Early on you saw signs that this woman’s values were different than yours. Rather than recognizing this, you believed that you could change her into the type of person your mother was/is. Second, when you realized that you had made a mistake, rather than cut your losses, you decided to stick it out. Not that there’s anything wrong with trying to stick it out. Given your choice, had you given any thought to marriage counseling. You came to a realization early on, and made a decision based on it. However, you make no mention of how you went about trying to correct the problem rather than making an effort to work through the issues. Also, what are the issues? You try to present your wife as a woman who sits on the couch eating bon bons while you toil away for her benefit. However, you then say that you did as much work around the house as she did? Is the real issue that you wanted a 1950’s relationship and she had different ideas? Finally, you let her handle the divorce and that she won’t let you get “your stuff.” If you let her handle the divorce, do you even have any stuff left? This circles back to my first point that you need to take responsibility for yourself.

    1. At some point the BS has to stop. Not fair to blame the person doing all the work. If this were reversed, we wouldn’t be blaming the female…think about it.

      1. I have lived this way throughout my youth. At 50, I’m sick to death and am no longer buying into the lie that somehow in the end, the apologies and changes are mine to make. No. I have and always have, busted my behind. Not to show anyone up. Not to bolster my image. Not for anyone. Rather, just because I want live as decent an minimally complicated life as I can. Life gives us enough without creating more challenges by waiting for someone else to wipe your ass who inevitably, never shows up (or leaves). It’s abusive. Plain and simple. But that’s not what really hurts, though. What hurts is when you know you’ve made a mistake, and because you don’t want to lose the person you’ve grown attached to or see all the time and effort fall apart, you allow yourself to believe that maybe you ARE the problem, try harder and end up being reminded again that no… you still don’t matter and never will. Ya’ know, if you truly love someone, you don’t act this way. If you’re DECENT, you don’t act this way. I never asked my wife to “be like me” or, “do as I do”. I never expected her or anyone to assume my identity or characteristics. I just wanted to believe she actually meant the vows women are in such a hurry to recite but not always so quick to own. I just love how the feminazis always give anything with female genitalia a pass, regardless of the crime and LOGIC. If a man is a slob, he’s a slob. If a woman is a slob, it’s because the man is a heartless child who needs to be more understanding who’s doing it all wrong and deserves all the heartache he gets. Right. What literally blows me out of the water is that my wife isn’t just lazy, she’s so concerned with her own image that she refuses to leave me even though she doesn’t love me, because she’d rather have me file for divorce just so she can say “look what he did to me”. Fuck that. Just do like I’m doing. Be loving, keep doing all the things that you do because that’s who you are, be good to yourself and your family, bite your tongue and keep pushing on. But politely and firmly stand your ground. Only two things can possibly happen: 1) She’ll ware down and finally get off her ass and initiate a divorce or 2) You’ll have to relent and just walk. Either way, male or female, marry someone who loves you as they love themselves. Anything else is a complete waste. If you’re one of the few who has real love or something that resembles a storybook ending, good on you (this type of thing should find you, not the other way around). But for the most part, if you’re a young man, regardless of why you’re here heed the advice of every man who’s ever lived to tell the tale: Do. Not. Get. Married. Ever. I am not kidding.

        1. Elvis, you sound like you’re in a lot of pain. You’re only 50, you’ve got a lot of living to do. If you’re inclined to keep trying, then couples therapy sounds like a good step in a positive direction. If she refuses, then maybe divorce is the best answer for you two — it wouldn’t be a failure. Sometimes it’s just the right move for a couple. Best of luck to you!

  10. Nobody ever changes for their partner, they only change for themselves. You have to accept who you’re with at the time of marriage, or you’ll never be happy. The obligation of marriage is rarely a motivator, more often it kills the changes people would be making if they were alone

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