Reader Jo said the following in response to our post, “Wise Guys: How Often Do Men Think of Someone Else During Sex?” For the record, not all Comments of the Week are opinions we agree with. And in this case in particular, we definitely don’t agree with the idea that fantasizing about someone else during sex qualifies as “rapey.” But it’s such a fascinating, complicated topic that we wanted to throw it out to the group…
“We guys take our job pretty seriously.” Excuse me – “our job” ? It’s your thinking that’s disordered, sonny! If you honestly see sex as a “job” then you haven’t had a single sexual experience in your whole life – and I don’t care how many people you’ve inserted your little chap into. Sex is something you do when you both want to – yes, difficult to synchronize that sometimes, but worth the effort. And sometimes you just have to go without. Sex is TOTALLY about the other person and being totally into them. If you’re not into them – if they’re not turning you on – the relationship is over.
“We all know that when the sex goes, splitting up isn’t far behind. We have to solve the problem.” But the sex is gone, my little friend, the moment you have to start thinking about other people. Sex is in the head. You are your thoughts. By continuing to use her body – but like a blow-up doll to get off on and ejaculate into – you dehumanize both yourself and her. I’m sure she would not be thrilled to know that the guy she thought was so great that she allowed him into her bed and her body, is actually using her as a sex toy while his real self (his mind, his thoughts) are off with someone else.
Trying to portray yourself as someone who is somehow doing good, being reasonable, about a “problem” – when you merely want to hold on to a body to use till you get something better – is truly despicable. It is also a bit rapey – not in a way that the law would ever recognize, of course – because she has not given her consent for this. At the very, very least, you need to inform a woman – at the point you feel you need to fantasize to ‘perform’ – about your feelings. This at least would allow her to either a) choose to fantasize along with you or b) kick you out the door.