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How to Choose Your Very First Vibrator

July 18, 2014

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LELO’s Nea vibrator

So you’re ready to purchase your very own My First Vibrator? Good for you! And you came to the right place, because yours truly, Em & Lo, happen to be your very personal shoppers.

Exploring on your own is the best way to start learning the pattern of your sexual response — especially if you’ve had fairly limited sexual experience, or have yet to experience an orgasm. Too many straight women wait for a fella to come ’round to show them the way — but those dudes often don’t have a map (or else they don’t care if you get left behind). But if more women took the initiative, we’d probably get a lot fewer letters from gals saying they can’t orgasm during sex with a partner. After all, doing it on your own means you’re much more likely to be able to do it with a partner — and you’re much more likely to be able to ask for what you want when you’re with that partner, too.

And just in case you’re still “curiously debating,” here’s one more reason to go for it: Studies have shown that more than a third of women own vibrators, and that those who use them experience higher levels of sexual desire and more orgasms than those who don’t.

Okay, so now you’ve got to choose your weapon. There’s a lot of crap out there, and though we know it might be tempting to go bargain-basement shopping in the middle of a recession, you do have to pay a little bit extra for a quality toy. And by quality, we don’t mean “Swarovski-crystal-encrusted,” we just mean one that’s actually meant to be used as a vibrator, and not “for novelty purposes only.”

The most important quality in a sex toy is that it’s phthalate-free (pronounced “thay-late”) — and if the shop you’re browsing in doesn’t know what you’re talking about when you ask whether a toy contains phthalates, then you don’t want to spend your hard-earned money there! Phthalates are plastic softeners which have been shown to be bad for both your body and the environment — they’re banned in kids’ toys and even in pet toys in most countries, and yet manufacturers continue to use them in sex toys! Shocking, we know. Pure silicone is phthalate-free and always a great option for a sex toy, though there are other newer materials on the market that are also phthalate-free and worth checking out.

For newbies, we think that Fun Factory — a German toy manufacturer — is a great place to start. We’d recommend any of their toys, in fact! We love their Laya¬†($50), which is for external use. Or, if you want something slightly more phallic (and insertion-friendly), check out the¬†G-spot friendly G-Swirl Smartvibe¬†($82). For even more choice, check out GoodVibes, which stocks a whole range of Fun Factory toys.

Our friends at LELO also offer some fab — and gorgeously designed — sex toys for beginners. If you want a small smooth toy that fits in the palm of your hand like a well worn pebble, try their Siri, their Lily, or their Nea (all rechargeable).

If you’re looking for a kitchen-sink vibrator — i.e. one that provides simultaneous internal and external stimulation while paying attention to the G-spot — then a Rabbit-style vibrator is your friend in need. But again, beware of cheap knock-offs! Ever since the Rabbit made a guest appearance on Sex & the City, companies across the globe have been attempting to cash in on the trend. LELO makes a rechargeable Rabbit-style toy called the Ina 2¬†($159). Sure, it’s a little pricey, but most of you have probably spent more than this on a pair of jeans. And when’s the last time a pair of $159 jeans got you off? Never say that money can’t buy you a little love!

If all of the above are still a bit too pricey, you can always go with the ol’ standby: The Pocket Rocket. It’s only meant for external use, but at least the hard plastic it’s made of won’t leach phthalates. For $30, you can get a similar style vibe that’s waterproof made by dependable Vibratex, called the Water Dancer.

When you’re ready to expand your toy collection — you can’t have just one! — just make sure you’re shopping at a decent, well-lighted sex toy outlet. We trust GoodVibes with both our credit cards and our genitals, and we trust them to steer a newbie in the right direction.

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Dream Interpretation: I Had Sex with a Guy in a Mask

July 17, 2014

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photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I dreamt that it was Halloween and I was walking next to a house with a really big display and haunted house, then someone runs at me wearing a mask and yelling and I run away. They grab me laughing and take off their mask and it turns out that it’s a man that I’ve known since high school and that I’ve previously had sex with and he had a small crush on me. He invites me into his house to hangout. We end up in this barn type enclosure full of hay and we start kissing and have very sweet but intense sex on top of the hay. Then someone walks in on us and my dream is over.

Lauri:¬†Hmmm… I’m thinking this dream is a really positive one, showing that you are beginning to accept yourself for who you are and are really beginning to like yourself.

Halloween is all about parading around as someone else, and the display, I believe, symbolizes that you have been putting on a display in real life. But then a guy that was really into you takes off his mask. Everything in a dream is really about you, so he represents the part of yourself that is totally cool with who you are and that wants to remove the false front.

Just as you yelled and ran away in the dream, this must have been a frightening thing to do… open up or reveal your true self recently. The sex that ensues is also an important message. Remember, sex in a dream is usually about incorporating some sort of quality or behavior into your life and into yourself. It seems to me, you are incorporating self appreciation into your life. And to that I say, “Rock on sista!”

 

Visit Lauri’s brand new site,¬†WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book,¬†Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too.¬†Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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5 Reasons Why Sea Sex Sucks

July 16, 2014

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photo via Flickr

It’s that time of year. The temperatures go up, the clothes come off, and you’re at the beach/by the pool/in the hot tub with your honey. Things can easily get frisky quickly. Come on, who doesn’t want to recreate that pool scene from Showgirls? Well, we don’t. We hate to rain on your already-wet water-sex parade, but here are five reasons why we don’t endorse it:

1.

Condoms can malfunction. Much more easily than usual. Suction issues lead to slippage and then it’s unsafe city from there on out.

2.

Spermicide can be washed away. Not that we’re big fans of spermicide to begin with, but if your birth control of choice happens to include some, water will dilute it and decrease its efficacy.

3.

It also washes away natural lubricant, which makes penetration more difficult and possibly painful.

4.

Chemicals or bacteria in the water can be pushed into the vagina or butt, causing irritation or infection. Not exactly how you want to be spending your beach vacation.

5.

¬†Finally, it’s just not very polite¬†to ejaculate all over a public place. People peeing in the ocean — or worse, the pool — is bad enough. Don’t muddy the waters further with your own love juice.

Sorry to be wet noodles, but intercourse in the sea, pool or jacuzzi¬†is just not a safer sex option. However, if you and your partner¬†are body fluid monogamous, if one of you is on hormonal birth control like the Pill (if you’re a straight couple), and if you really want to swim at your own risk, then we suppose you could try¬†applying a water-resistant silicone lubricant to both of your naughty bits¬†to make for easier underwater entry.¬†However, we’d just recommend some¬†external fondling beaneath the waves as a form of foreplay, rather than any kind of penetration.¬†Save that for the nice summer-vacation hotel room.

Disclaimer: Em & Lo are not doctors, and the information contained in this column should not be considered a substitute for a discussion with a medical professional — e.g. your OB-GYN or physician — about safer sex.

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How to Define “Classic Rape”

July 11, 2014

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Last week, a UK judge proved just how real “rape culture” is: In response to a jury quickly finding a man guilty of raping a woman who was passed out on his couch, the judge offered these condolences to the criminal (i.e. not the victim):

  • “It’s sad to see a man of generally good character in the dock for such a serious offence.”
  • “I do not regard you as a classic rapist. I do not think you are a general danger to strangers. You are not the type who goes searching for a woman to rape.
  • “This was a case where you just lost control of normal restraint.”
  • “It was almost out of the blue that two girls turned up late at night, very, very drunk, at your home.
  • “The victim was the worst for drink out of the two of them. She was completely out of it. I accept that evidence.”
  • “She was a pretty girl who you fancied. You simply could not resist. You had sex with her.”

Salon responded with an appropriate WTF article about¬†how “[t]his is everything that is wrong with how we view and talk about rape.” And when we posted about it earlier this week on Facebook, Molly Durham wrote this hilarious response:

*snorts* if this guy had it his way, there’d probably be a rape matrix or something… “Victim must be held down for 9.4 sec, victim must scream for 12.7 sec and clearly call for help 4 times at a level of 150 decibels or more, however, if rapist is known by victim or tells her that it’s not actually rape, victim must start over and file formal petition to change relationship with rapist from known to unknown.” Or some other bureaucratic nonsense… Sigh. It’s hard to be female, cis or trans :/

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Dream Interpretation: My Ex Dreamed I Had a Baby

July 10, 2014

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photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

This isn‚Äôt my dream, but it was about me. My ex-boyfriend said he had a dream about me. In this dream I had a baby (I don‚Äôt have children). He said there was an argument with me, my ex, and the baby’s father. He said the father of the child and himself didn‚Äôt like each other for some reason. Then I asked him what sex was my baby. He told me I had a baby girl.

Lauri:¬†Your ex’s dream? Well this should be interesting, as it will give us a glimpse into what is going on deep down in that psyche of his… so let’s dive right on!

The baby in the dream represents the new life you now have, perhaps your new life without him. The father of the baby is most likely your male self, the part of you that “grew a pair” and (I’m assuming) put an end to the relationship.

This is probably why your ex didn’t like your baby daddy in the dream. The ensuing argument in the dream reflects anger he has with himself, I believe. It seems, without being able to talk to him myself and with the information you provided, that he is none too happy about not being with you anymore! I hope you were able to let him down easy!

 

Visit Lauri’s brand new site,¬†WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book,¬†Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too.¬†Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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Top 10 Things We Will Tell Our Daughters About Sex

July 9, 2014

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The two of us accidentally bred on the same schedule, which means we both have six-year-old daughters. We have long joked about the hazards of being both sex writers and parents (and in a small town, too, no less): What will they say at the P.T.A.? What if our daughters stumble across one of our books? What if one of their friends does during a playdate, and then tells her parents? (And what if it’s the unnecessarily detailed chapter on fisting in our first book, when we were still trying to prove how brave and unshockable we were?!)

But writing about sex for the past fifteen years has also given us plenty of time to think about how we’d like to raise our daughters, and how we will talk to them (and in some cases,¬†are talking to them) about sex. Here are the top ten things we want them — eventually — to know and understand:

1. Your virginity is not a “gift” to bestow on someone.
Your virginity is not even a thing to be objectified or glorified. In fact, penile intercourse, whenever you do it (if ever you do it), should not be put on a pedestal while handjobs and oral sex are demoted to meaningless freebies. All sexual acts are intimate and meaningful, and should be approached with thoughtfulness, deliberateness and respect. And when you have any kind of sexual relation for the first time, it should be because you want to — not because you like someone¬†sooooo much you just want to do something nice for them, not because everyone else is doing it, and not because someone is pressuring you to.

2. Your body is beautiful and it belongs to you.
You will probably hear dumb guys talking about “meat curtains” or “fish tacos” or “gaping axe wounds.” These guys have no idea what they’re talking about, and are merely covering for the fact that they don’t know their way around a woman’s body. Your vagina does not smell like tuna fish, it smells like a vagina, and as long as you eat well and shower regularly with soap (no douching!), any guy who likes you will like the way it smells. And your labia do not look like roast beef slices. They look like labia, and they come in all shapes and sizes (sometimes even different shapes and sizes on the same woman), with different hairstyles — don’t believe the myth of sexual “norms” perpetuated by porn! (And stay away from anyone who does.) Oh, and you do not have a hoo-ha or a coochie or a vajayjay. You have a vulva. You have a vagina. You have a clitoris. (Okay, you can give your genitalia cutesy nicknames, but only if you can first name all your genital parts correctly and without shame.)

3. Masturbation is a great way to love and learn about your body.
Before you get intimate with someone, you should get intimate with yourself. You should learn what you like when you’re on your own, because once you’re with another person, it will be really easy to just focus on what they like and what works for them (especially if that person has a penis, which, generally speaking, is a much simpler machine to operate). Try lube, try a little vibrator, try closing your eyes and listening to music. And don’t worry if you can’t bring yourself to orgasm at first — these things take time.

4. If you have to get drunk to have sex, then you’re not ready to have sex.
When you get drunk you might not have safer sex. You might get talked into doing things you’re not comfortable with. You might sleep with someone you don’t even like. You might get date-raped (which wouldn’t be your fault, but drunkenness certainly increases the risk of it happening). Have all your wits about you when it comes to sexual situations so you can make smart, informed decisions and can give consent.

5. If you’re not comfortable enough with someone to talk about safer sex, then you’re not ready to have sex with them.
Talk about your partner’s sexual history — and yours. Ask them if they always use barrier protection (condoms, oral sex dams) — and if they don’t, then don’t go there. If a guy tells you that sex with a condom feels awful, he’s lying. Sure, it feels better for him without a condom, but it’s still sex, and it’s the only kind he’s getting. You can tell him that sex with a condom feels better than sex with his own right hand. But please know that condoms will not protect you from every S.T.I. — some infections exist on the surrounding skin, and sometimes condoms break. This, however, is no excuse to forgo barrier protection all together — they’re like seatbelts: they don’t prevent every accident, but they make driving a hell of lot safer (so make sure you always use both seatbelts and barrier protection!). It’s also a great idea to use a back-up form of birth-control, like the Pill (but the Pill et al does not mean you can forgo the condoms!). Have we used enough exclamation points to make ourselves clear?!?!??! P.S. The HPV vaccine is not about sex, it’s about protecting your body. It’s about saving your life. You will get it.

6. It’s not “bossy” to ask for what you want in bed.
Someone might think they know how to please you in bed, but they don’t. Every woman is different, and even the same woman is different on different days. Maybe your partner has hooked up a hundred times and this is your first time — you are still the expert on your own body. (Especially if you masturbate!) Show and tell them. Guide them with your hands. Encourage them when they get something right. If it doesn’t feel good to you, switch things up. Now, you know what is bossy? When someone pushes your head towards their crotch. Your ears are not a steering wheel! And oral sex is sex. It’s a big deal, and you should only go there when you’re ready. (In fact, if you’re not comfortable letting someone go down on you, then why would you feel okay going down on them?)

7. Maybe you’re gay. Maybe you’re bisexual. Maybe you don’t know yet.
And it’s all good. Be yourself. And don’t worry too much about labels.

8. You never “owe” a person sex.
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been dating, or how long you’ve been naked together, or how blue their balls/labia are. It doesn’t matter if you two have had sex before. It doesn’t matter if they just treated you to dinner (or to oral sex). It doesn’t even matter if you’re half-way through some sexual act, including intercourse, and suddenly change your mind. You can stop at any time. You don’t even have to start.

9. Sex is not just intercourse.
We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again. Oral sex is sex. So is manual sex. So is using a toy together. So is frottage! And given how far your clitoris is from the vaginal opening, intercourse alone will probably not lead to an orgasm for you. In fact, the majority of women need clitoral stimulation in order to climax, and a penis simply can’t reach that far. But you know what can? Your partner’s hand. Your hand. A small vibrator. Even then, your orgasm is not guaranteed — that will take time, and practice. If your partner doesn’t care about your orgasm, or gets impatient with your orgasm, you need to dump them immediately. (Then tell your mom and we’ll go out for ice cream…or a stiff drink.)

10. Sex is awesome!
When you do it with the right person, at the right time, sex can be amazing. It can feel, like, really good. It can be fun and exciting, it can bring you closer to your partner, it can reduce stress, it can make you love a person more than you thought possible (though to be sure, love is not a requirement for sex — mutual respect, however, is). But sex isn’t usually awesome at first. Even when you’re head over heels in love and one hundred percent ready to do the deed, sex exists on a learning curve. That said, the better you know someone before you have sex, the more comfortable you will probably be asking for what you want. Good sex requires practice. It requires knowledge about your body (we happen to have a few books you might want to read…). It requires experimentation, and play. And it requires a sense of humor so you can both laugh it off when someone farts or queefs or gets an elbow in the face. Remember, there is no such thing as “normal” in bed — there is only what you like, and what you’re comfortable with.

Have fun, be safe, and remember: You can tell your mom anything. We’re, well, unshockable.

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Wise Guys: What Do Men Think About When They Masturbate?

July 8, 2014

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photo via flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. A while back, one woman wanted to know ‚ÄúWhy do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?‚ÄĚ In his response, Max (one of our Single Straight Guys) said, “Trust me: You don‚Äôt want to do the things that we‚Äôre thinking about when masturbating.” So we wanted to know “What DO guys think about when they masturbate?” Ironically, of all three guys’ answers to this follow-up question, it’s Max’s that we thought was the most tame:

Straight Single Guy (Max): In order to masturbate, I have to have some kind of scenario in my head. It can be past experiences, girls that I’ve been with and (perhaps most often) girls that I want to be with. It might be the girl that was making eyes at me earlier in the day (though the likelihood is that I was making eyes at her and just misinterpreting her look of “what are you staring at?”) or perhaps stranger subjects, such as fictional girls from dreams, co-workers, or women that you might consider out of your age range but still attractive (there’s a reason that MILF is a household word).

Oftentimes, the male mind is most interested in the forbidden. For instance, the girlfriend that wouldn’t try anal? It’s only going to happen in your head. Already have a girlfriend but have the hots for her friends? Save everyone the heartache. You really want to break into your workplace late at night and pour champagne all over each other and do it on your boss’s desk? You won’t get arrested if it’s just a dream. Bisexual fantasies? Go for it. Essentially, I view masturbation as a time for completely uncensored fantasy. Whatever comes to mind and turns me on, I go with it. And as far as girls’ fantasies go? I’m amazed when I talk to my girl friends and they all say that they don’t think about much of anything… just concentrating. Weird.

Gay Committed Guy (Mark): As a very private person who sticks to a fairly small collection of gay vanilla porn for solo gratification, the specifics of this one are probably out of my league.¬† Fantasies are boundless and infinitely various — that’s sort of the point, right? — regardless of whether one is a man or a woman.¬† (Although I’d like to ask Max, a.k.a. “you don’t want to know” what could be so bad.¬† Violence?¬† Unsanctioned excrement?¬† Pets?) That said, some educated guesses as to what some straight guys might be thinking of while wanking:

1) Women who are not their wives/girlfriends.

2) Their wives/girlfriends doing really degrading stuff (see above).

3) Men.

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Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Andi on Hometown Dates)

July 8, 2014

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.

  1. When wooing someone — especially someone with an intellectual career — avoid these decidedly unsexy words and phrases: “it’s hard work,” “don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty,” “gumption,” “there’s no limits for a woman on a farm,” and “homemaker” (even if the person wouldn’t mind being a stay-at-home parent, there’s something so negatively old-fashioned about that word).
  2. Be aware of your “tells” on a date, e.g. a frowny-mouth relationship-barometer (the deeper the frown, the more turned off/disingenuous/full of it you are). Don’t give away your true feelings before you’ve given things a real chance. And if you have figured out your true feelings, then divulge them, don’t hide them behind your liar’s scowl.
  3. Don’t talk about your relationship like you’re doing a post-game interview: “I’ve worked hard for this, I’m ready for it, and I’m gonna give it 110%” (Josh).
  4. When you look exactly like your date’s mom and sister, consider that a HUGE red flag.
  5. Another HUGE red flag? When a close relative of your date tells you that his habit of “over-caring” can be totally “annoying.” ¬†Cut bait asap, just like Andi did.

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How to Give a Great Couples Massage

July 5, 2014

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When Denis Merkas, founder of “Melt: Massage for Couples,” asked us to review his online video series, we admit we were a bit trepidatious: images of sensitive ponytail men came to mind, the sound of cheesy tantric sitars filled our imaginations, and we thought we could suddenly smell a hint of patchouli in the air. But it turns out, we had nothing to worry about!

CouplesMassageCourses.com offers an informative, beautifully shot, sophisticated series of easy-to-follow instructional videos that can inspire couples to touch each other a little more deliberately and thoughtfully to make their lives together better (seriously, just watching the 2-minute promo below made us both want to be better partners). In each video, massage therapist Merkas — who has 13 years experience and has been perfecting these techniques for mass audiences since 2006 — tells you clearly what to do and why. His assistant in the videos is his own wife Emma — but before you start to worry the two are some HBO-ish “Real Sex,” hippy-dippy, swinging couple, rest assured, they’re adorable. And within the first minute of the quick intro video (see below), they make it clear their clothes are staying on: they provide the perfect back-rub techniques, then you can take it from there.

Here’s what we really liked about “Melt”:

  • Style: The website is beautifully designed. The videos are tastefully shot. Even their interstitial graphics are cool.
  • Charm: As host and instructor, Merkas seems like a genuinely nice guy who takes his job — and his wife’s pleasure — very seriously. But not too seriously. There’s a fine line between sophisticated seriousness and cheesy earnestness, and Merkas never crosses over to the dark side, even when he uses terms like “mushy mushy yum yum.” His cute Australian accent certainly doesn’t hurt!
  • Humor: We are automatically big fans of anyone who uses a Mr. Miyagi “wax on, wax off” reference when talking about massage do’s and don’ts.
  • Ease: Rather than one long daunting video that’s too intimidating to begin, Merkas breaks up the instruction into short, easy-to-process vids that are meticulously organized so you can ease into things, jump around, and review any specific technique you like at your own pace. Every technique is broken down and explained well with cute, easy-to-remember terms like “Train Tracks” and “The Cat Walk.”
  • Insider tips: No need for a massage table or other fancy props, just some useful tricks to make a sensual massage even better (for example, who knew the best place for a couples massage is not on the bed?!).
  • Choreographed routines: Included in the package are three massage “routines” — one 5 minutes, one 15 minutes, and one 30 minutes — that you can follow along with after you’ve mastered the various individual moves. Best part: Merkas offers each routine with or without commentary (hey, blindfold your partner and use the vids as a sort of silent cheat sheet!).
  • Effectiveness: Just ask Lo’s husband, who’s been in a zombie-like state of total bliss since she used him as her guinea pig.

Lifetime access to these 3 massage routines and 17 technique videos is usually $99. But from now until July 23rd, 2014, EMandLO.com readers can get Lifetime Access for ONLY $29, that’s more than 70% OFF! Use coupon code EMandLO to get the videos for ONLY $29. That’s certainly way less expensive than a date night out. So turn down the overheads, light some candles, and plan a great date night in with “Melt: Massage for Couples.”

 



Dream Interpretation: I Hooked Up with My BFF’s Crush

July 3, 2014

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 photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

Last night I had a dream about hooking up with this guy my best friend likes. I don’t feel anything about him and I can’t tell my friend — she might think I want him.

Lauri:¬†Yes, it is a good idea not to tell your friend about this dream. Even though it doesn’t mean what you might think, she still might get bent out of shape. Remember, dreams are symbolic, so this dream may not be so much about him, but rather about what he represents. And hooking up isn‚Äôt so much about a physical union you want but rather a psychological union you need.

That being said, what qualities stand out about this guy to you? Is he really funny? Is he easy going? Does he have strong opinions? Even though you may not be into him as far as chemistry is concerned, there is something about him your subconscious mind is attracted to and wants to unite that quality into yourself and make it your own.

We’ll also hook up with certain people in our dreams when we have “come together” with them on some level in real life… or when we NEED to come together on some level. Did you and this guy recently have a conversation where you connected in some way? Or maybe odds are good he’ll be dating your friend soon, so your subconscious mind is urging you to connect with him on some psychological level. Whatever it is, it’s all good!

Visit Lauri’s brand new site,¬†WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book,¬†Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too.¬†Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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