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Do Guys Really Hate Talking on the Phone?

May 5, 2015


photo via Flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following:  Why do guys seem to hate talking on the phone?

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): My suspicion is that it has to do with how most straight guys talk, or rather, don’t talk. Straight men seem to not indulge in gossip and tangential storytelling when it comes to conversing with others. The phone is much more utilitarian to them. It’s about communicating the necessary information: where to meet, when, where are you parked, what should he buy your parents, etc. For the most part, they aren’t interested in talking about the banalities of daily life on the phone, and certainly not their feelings — not surprising, if you consider how difficult it is for them to talk about them in person. But whatever the reasons, don’t take it personally if he doesn’t like talking on the phone with you. In all likelihood, he is probably the same with his mom. It isn’t necessarily reflective of how he feels about you. And look on the bright(er) side: if he doesn’t like the phone, then the other option is more face time!

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I’m not sure men hate talking on the phone.  I practically lived on the phone as a teenager, for instance, talking endlessly with both male and female friends.  And a very informal visual survey I made while thinking about the question turned up equal numbers of men and women passing by with cellphones to their ears.  None of them looked like they were hating it.  I’m going to wing it here, but it’s possible that in a world where men are supposed to make the first calls to ask women out — and might have more associations with being turned down — we might feel more self-conscious about saying “the wrong thing.”  Even when you make it clear you want to hear from us. Read the rest of this entry »

Your Call: How to Tell Your Husband It’s Okay to Ravish You (a Little)

May 4, 2015


We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!


Dear Em & Lo,

I’m just about as open as u can get when it comes 2 sex w/ my husband. I’m the one pushing toys, anal play . . . I’ve noticed that it turns him on when I say “ouch” or “please.” His arm creeps around my neck and I go w/ it, biting him, feeble “faux” struggling.

I trust him. How can I tell him that it’s ok if he likes to fantasize about these things? I wouldn’t mind a little pain at the right moment, but he has 2 learn when I’m ready. I was raped and I think he is afraid of pulling that up but we’ve been together 15+years (since 16) & I know he will never do anything I don’t want him to.

I love it when he pulls my hair/bites my neck/shoulder. So how do I bring this up so we can set up cues 4 when I’m ready and when it’s 2 much?

– Take Me

What should T.M. say to her husband? Leave advice for her in the comments section below.


What Is the PS-Spot and How Can I Enjoy It?

May 1, 2015


photo via flickr

Unless you’ve been living in a cave, you know exactly what the G-spot is, and you probably know where it is, too — an area on the front wall of the vagina a few inches in that, when stimulated, can result in extreme pleasure, explosive orgasms, and even female ejaculation…well, at least for some women (quite a few don’t like theirs even looked at!). Thanks to a number of studies on the anatomy and sexual response of this area over the past few decades, the G-spot has become the It Girl of female sexuality.

But what about the PS-spot? The PS-who?

That’s exactly the reaction we got when we asked a group of sexually sophisticated women and their partners about this area opposite the G-spot: “Never heard of it”, and “The G-spot is hard enough to find, let alone something with 2 letters”, and “Is that similar to treacle sponge?” If the G-spot is the It Girl, the PS-spot is its red-headed step-sister. So here’s some info to help you get to know her better, because she can really be quite nice:

  1. What the PS-spot is exactly: The PS stands for perineal sponge, which lies between the vagina and rectum, just beneath the perineum (that band of skin between the vaginal opening and the anus). The perineal sponge is a mass of erectile tissue, which means that when it’s stimulated, it fills with blood and becomes engorged, just like a man’s penis and a woman’s clitoris do during arousal.
  2. Why you’ve never heard of the PS-spot: Willful ignorance has been a long-standing tradition when it comes to female sexuality. Women were once considered practically asexual, encouraged just to lie back and think of England. Then Freud nearly ruined the clitoris for us, suggesting that orgasms gained from its stimulation were somehow “immature”. And even today there are some doctors who question the existence of the G-spot. There’s just been very little research on pleasure-related issues for women, especially those connected to the perineal sponge.
  3. How to stimulate the PS-spot: The best way to stimulate the PS-spot is with a finger(s) or a curved sex toy – just as is the case with the G-spot, except you apply pressure in the opposite direction (i.e. on the back lower wall of the vagina). You can also stimulate it via the perineum (pushing up) or the anus (gently pushing toward the front of the body). If you want to try getting at it during intercourse, you could try positions that direct the penis/phallus toward your back wall, such as missionary or woman-on-top with your torsos pressed together — basically, the opposite of what works best for targeting the G-spot, which is doggy style.
  4. What the PS-spot may feel like: Women who like this area stimulated have reported various results: reaching orgasm from its stimulation alone, enhancement of other kinds of stimulation,  the extending or intensifying of orgasm, reaching orgasm quicker.
  5. Why you shouldn’t get too excited about the PS-spot: Whether you’re looking for the G-spot or the PS-spot, there’s definitely no guarantee that either will feel good to you. And that’s okay. It’s good just to know that these spots are a natural part of your anatomy there to be explored. If you happen to be one of those women for whom the G-spot isn’t the holy grail, then maybe the PS-spot will do it for you. If not, don’t worry — there are always other spots to try, whether they have their own catchy term yet or not. When you find one you like, name it after your own initials!


5 Signs Your Jealousy Is Out of Control

April 30, 2015


Kim Olver for Your Tango | Photo via Flickr

Extreme jealousy is one of the most destructive things in a relationship. Engaging in jealous behaviors and suspicions is not cute. It does not let your significant other know you really care.

And it definitely will not strengthen your relationship.

An occasional, mildly jealous episode might actually heighten the interest in your relationship but chronic, pathological jealousy is like a cancer that will destroy any loving feelings that exist in your relationship.

With that in mind, here are five signs you are a jealous mess:

1. His phone habits upset you. Whenever your partner doesn’t answer the telephone while in your presence, you wonder if it could be a lover.

2. His social media habits scare you. Whenever your partner has a new friend on Facebook, you go to the friend’s page to check out your competition.

3. You stalk him. You find yourself driving by your loved one’s job, home or places you know him/her to frequent, thinking you’ll find some incriminating evidence.

4. You’re mistrustful of new people. Every time your loved one introduces you to someone new, you closely watch them for any sign of attraction and later grill your significant other about their relationship.

5. You snoop. Whenever you get the opportunity, you are checking your loved one’s phone and/or email for signs he/she may be involved with someone else.

If this describes you, your relationship is in big trouble! It’s time for some introspection and to make some changes.

Is this the person you really want to be? Does your partner deserve your trust and respect? If so, then extend those courtesies. If not, and your partner has given you multiple reasons not to trust him/her, ask yourself why you are still in a relationship with a person you cannot trust?

People who are a jealous mess choose these jealous behaviors as their best attempt to get what they want. Typically what jealous people want is for their partner to have no romantic interest in other people.

If you are a jealous mess, ask yourself the question, Is my behavior really causing my partner to want to be with me exclusively?  When you honestly look at your behavior, you are going to have to admit that everything you are doing is pushing your loved one right into the arms of an understanding, non-jealous person.

Do you think your behavior is attractive? Do you actually believe that engaging in this crazy behavior will keep your partner devoted to you, and only you, for the rest of your life?

When you actually take the time to honestly answer those questions, you know what you are doing isn’t helping your cause.

So now what? It’s time to understand that you, and only you, are in charge of your behavior. When you feel compelled to engage in behavior you know is destructive, it is because you are having thoughts that lead to feelings that generate the destructive behavior. The place in that cycle where you have the most control is your thinking.

Next time you begin to feel jealous, ask yourself, What am I thinking right now that is creating these feelings of jealousy? Is what I’m thinking true? Is it really true? How do I know? What evidence is there to indisputably support this story I’m telling myself? What other story could I invent that would create loving feelings instead? What thoughts could I think that will lead to trust? What thoughts will help me be the person I really want to be in this relationship?

Change your story, change your life. Stop being a victim of repetitive behavior as if you have no control. The only person who can change this perpetuating cycle is you. So choose something different today!

This article originally appeared on YourTango. Check out Kim Olver’s book, Secrets of Happy Couples, for tips on what to do when you are a jealous mess. She talks about the four roots of jealousy and what to do about them.

More content from YourTango:

What Guys Really Think About Your Small Boobs

April 28, 2015


Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “I think my boobs are too small — slightly pudgy guys have bigger boobs than me! Should I get a boob job?”

Gay Committed Guy (Mark): Gut response: No. Even though god knows how many Americans have some kind of body-image hangup, I don’t think “society” is shaming those pudgy guys into getting lipo on their manboobs in order to look more attractive to women. That said, if you think the pain and possible health risks associated with surgery and/or implants are worth it — if you really think it would improve your self-esteem, and you’ve exhausted all other options toward that end — it’s your decision. Anyone who tells you that you “should” get a boob job is either a creep or a plastic surgeon or an editor at Us Weekly magazine (the latter of which will be the first to mock your new rack for looking fake). I have friends who have had minor work done — breasts (adding and subtracting), eyes, nose, thighs, tummy — and they’ve all been pleased with the results. Obviously, if you do decide to go through with it, find a reputable doctor, and don’t go overboard with ridiculous porn-star balloons that are out of proportion with the rest of your body.

Straight Single Guy (Max): It kills me not to automatically say “Don’t do it!”, but I think it actually depends on a couple of things. Confidence, as you know, matters more than most factors when it comes to attraction. If you can’t talk to a guy because you’re too self conscious about the size of your boobs, then you need to do something. But plastic surgery might not be the answer. Boobs, as I and most guys see them, are always and only bonuses. If a girl has nice boobs, that’s great. But I’m not going to see a girl and think “Man, if she only had bigger boobs…” That’s just stupid. (If, however, this is the kind of guy you want, then by all means, get a boob job.) Personally, I think fake boobs are gross. I believe that most guys agree, no matter how much porn would have you believe otherwise. But again, you gotta do what makes you feel sexy. (Oh, and please don’t compare yourself to pudgy guys. That’s the first step in gaining a little self confidence.)

Straight Married Guy (Ben): My wife’s boobs have changed sooo much over the course of our relationship — from tiny to a handful to size F after our baby was born (we didn’t even know they made size F!) and then back to C. Each step of the way I’ve been right there enjoying them. It’s actually been one of the most amazing things about her body. That’s not to say your boobs are one day going to blossom or grow, but what’s made my wife’s body so immensely pleasurable for me and for her is her own comfort and confidence with it. Sexy does not equal boob size. Sexy equals feeling good and being confident in yourself and your sexuality. I say, learn to rock those nubs! You can always get the surgery later. Or have a baby.


Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles. Our Committed Gay Guy, Mark, is a writer and teacher in NYC and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

photo via Wikimedia Commons

Why Everyone Needs a Rhymes-with-Bucket List

April 27, 2015


photo via Wikimedia Commons

Our favorite part of President Obama’s monologue at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner monologue on Saturday night was this: “I am determined to make the most of every moment I have left. After the midterm elections, my advisors asked me ‘Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?’ And I said, “Well, I have something that rhymes with bucket list.’ Take executive action on immigration. Bucket. New climate regulations. Bucket. It’s the right thing to do.”

Which got us thinking: Everyone needs a rhymes-with-bucket list! Because bucket lists themselves can be kind of intimidating. All those things you have to do. Man, it’s exhausting. And as the years pass and you fail to check off a single item? That bucket list can start to make you feel like crap when you get out of bed in the morning. It can taunt you a little.

Not so the rhymes-with-bucket list, however! Rhymes-with-bucket is meant to make your life easier. Here are ten items to kick off your very own rhymes-with-bucket list. Add to it whenever the “bucket” mood strikes you…

1. Don’t have Gisele’s body? Bucket! Love the skin you’re in, even the bits that have stretch marks and funny-shaped birthmarks. Because confidence is sexier than self-loathing any day of the week. (Related:  Can’t pull off skinny jeans? Bucket! Remember when boot-cut jeans were trendy and women everywhere gave thanks because pretty much anyone can look good in boot cut? And then the fashion gods decreed that skinny was in — because, duh, fashion people are skinny. How mean girl is that? We think you should wear them — and your muffin top — with pride… or, if you prefer, go full nineties in your boot cuts. Because who cares what cut your jeans are? Like 0.000001% of the population, that’s who.)

2. Feel like a woman inside? Bucket! Think like a genderbread person, just like Bruce Jenner did. Because the genitals you were born with do not have to define you.

3. Don’t feel like “doing brunch”? Bucket! Because this awesome SNL parody of the Sara Bareilles song “Brave” says so.

4. Can’t handle casual sex? Bucket! Just because all the cool kids are doing it, doesn’t mean you have to jump on the booty calling bandwagon. If you prefer sex in the content of a long-term, loving, committed relationship, then speak up… and keep your legs closed and/or your pants zipped until you get a response you like. Because we say so!

5. Want to discuss a major plot-spoiling aspect of your favorite TV show on Twitter right now? Bucket! Because discussing things right as they happen is kind of the whole point of Twitter, isn’t it? Also because that same SNL parody says so. In fact, it’s kind of the national anthem of the rhymes-with-bucket list, in our opinion.

6. Can’t keep up with world events in the news? Bucket! Just subscribe to the Daily Skimm. Because we do, and now we don’t have to pretend to know what everyone else is talking about.

7. Can’t stand your spouse? Bucket! Get a divorce. Because we’re like 99.9999999% certain you won’t go to hell for it.

8. Feel like getting a little kinky tonight? Bucket! Just say something. Because communication is the cornerstone of good sex. And if you never ask, you’ll never know whether your partner’s up for it.

9. Not in the mood? Bucket! Don’t have sex. Just because your sister does it four times a week and Cosmopolitan magazine says you should do it five times a week and your parents are still doing it and TV commercials make it seem like even eating salad dressing gives you an orgasm — doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you if you don’t feel like having sex all the time. Because whether you feel like getting tied up and spanked, or you’re more in the mood for some platonic cuddling tonight — you make your own normal.

10. Want to get married/pay for dinner/ask someone out/get laid/get a raise/stay home with the kids? Bucket! Just ask, already, no matter whether it’s supposed to be the man’s or woman’s job to do so. Because it’s 2015, people. Duh.


Your Call: How Much of a Factor Is Height in Male Attractiveness?

April 27, 2015


photo by Ranjit Laxman Photography

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!


Dear Em & Lo,

I read a study that said 71% of women will not look at a guy if he is under 6 foot tall. I read another study that said men who are 5’9 and under have more sex than men who are 6 foot and up. Any idea on who’s lying here? If women are attracted to men who are only 6 foot plus, then why is the average U.K height for a man 5’9? Surely, shorter and/or weaker men, should have died out by now…?

- ISO Perspective

What should ISOP do? Leave advice for him in the comments section below.



Why You Should Dump Someone Who’s Perfect for You

April 24, 2015


Dear Em & Lo,

I am 23 years old and A, my boyfriend of four years, and I are currently four months into a long-distance relationship until I graduate from my university this summer and move across the country to be with him. I recently connected with J, a guy that I was seeing five years ago. Back then, J and I never went any further than making out and never dated, since he graduated from our university soon after we met. We reconnected and I am really into him. I spend more time talking to J than A and we have a lot of things in common. One night and several drinks later, J and I ended up making out.

I have never cheated on my boyfriend before, but instead of feeling guilty about cheating on him, weeks later I can’t seem to get J off of my mind. I’ve been in two long-term relationships since I was 15 (the first boyfriend was for 3 years) and I haven’t been single for more than a few months since the time I’ve been allowed to date. A wants to propose and I’m not ready for it, but I don’t know how to tell him this without hurting him.

Overall, he is everything I want in a man, but he doesn’t know how to satisfy me sexually anymore and has gotten really lazy in the bedroom despite the fact that I tell him about this a lot. I also feel really inexperienced because I’ve only been with two guys my entire life.

How do I know my current fling with J isn’t just lust? Do I just have expiration dates on guys of about three to four years? How do you know if you should end a long relationship to move on?

– Torn

Dear Torn,

Let’s just review:

  • You’re 23.
  • You’re in college.
  • You’re in a long-distance relationship while you’re 23 and in college.
  • You feel like being with only two people makes you “inexperienced.”
  • You’ve never really been single.
  • Your boyfriend, who we’re assuming is also in his early 20s, has gotten lazy about sex?!?
  • You cheated and can’t stop thinking about the other guy.

This is an easy one: it’s time to break up (or at least take a break). You’ve got a lot of living to do and you certainly aren’t ready to get married. We’re not suggesting that there’s something inherently wrong with getting married young or with only being sexually intimate with two people — for some people, that works. But if the tone of your email is any indication, it’s not going to work for you…

Don’t feel pressured to stay in this relationship because you feel guilty about cheating, or because you feel like you’ve already invested so much time in this relationship, or because A is a great guy. He’s just not great for you — at least not right now.

The only fair thing to do — for both you and A — is to tell him you need to take a break from the relationship (which means the possibility of seeing other people, for both of you). He may break up with you right then and there. You guys may break up permanently in a few months. You might get back together ten months or ten years from now, when you’ve both dated other people and realized that you were in fact perfect for each other. Or maybe you’ll meet someone who convinces you that breaking up with A was the best thing you could have ever done. Maybe just being alone for a while will convince you of this. Just give yourself a chance to try something new.

Tough love,
Em & Lo


photo via flickr

The Real Reasons Why Men Send Pics of their Penises

April 23, 2015

1 Comment

by Amanda Chatel for YourTango  |  Justin Bieber selfie via Instagram

Finally, ladies: the answer you’ve long been waiting for.

It was just a matter of time before we took  the technology we have at our fingertips and made it all about sex. I mean, we’re horny, sexual beings, so why wouldn’t we? But while sending our partners nude photos seems totally acceptable, the whole “dick pic” thing just doesn’t have the same level of respectability. Maybe it’s because dudes on OKCupid think it’s the ideal way to snag a lady friend? I’m not really sure.

We tracked down nine men who were willing to not only admit that they’ve sent a dick pic (or two or three or more), but also tell us why, oh why, they do such things. I’ve yet to meet a woman who’s ever said, “And he sent me a dick pic and it was awesome!” But while some of us may not be able to appreciate their, um, manhood, we can at least now start to figure out why the hell they do it.

1. It’s about pride…

“When I used to do it, it was often a mixture of pride and … pride. I only ever rarely did it unsolicited but I’d never gotten a ‘Why did you do that?!’ And I occasionally got a couple of “do that again, please,” responses.

Now, as an older, rational man, I frown upon unsolicited dick pics because it’s just wrong, even if the only reason most men do it is because they hope you’ll show your tits in return. All that said, if a woman asks, it’s a request that should be fulfilled immediately because more often than not, it’s a test.”

2. It’s nice to get a compliment…

“Either I was asked for it or I knew that the person would respond positively. It feels good to have someone compliment your junk or tell you that they want it.”

3. I was hoping to get a photo of them in return…

“I’ve always thought of it as tit for tat. If I send it, even if they don’t ask for it, I assumed it would get me a naked picture of them. But I would like to point out that I haven’t tried that since I was 25 or so … so it’s been about five years.”

4. So she knows she gave me an erection…

“It has always been in the middle of some dirty texting and it made sense to share how hard she made me.”

5. I thought it would be an honor for her…

“Let’s pretend I might have considered it in my teens. Those years predate mobile phone cameras (or even digital ones) so honestly, teenage me would have probably considered it an honor for the woman to receive a large oil painting of my trouser business.”

6. It’s usually after I’ve been drinking…

“I can’t answer this because I don’t know why I’ve done it. It’s usually after I’ve been drinking and for some reason it just makes sense. The next morning I always realize it was a stupid and childish move but it doesn’t stop me from doing it again when I’ve had too much to drink.”

7. I was asked for it…

“Because I’ve been asked. Plain and simple. If someone I’m into wants a picture of my dick, then why wouldn’t I oblige?”

8. I’m just a guy…

“I’ve yet to meet a woman who has said that dicks are nice to look at it. So maybe subconsciously I’m trying to change that thought with mine? It’s either that or I’m just a guy.”

9. I assume it might be erotic…

“Since it’s erotic for me to get a picture of any part of a woman’s body, I assumed it might be erotic for her, too. But my wife put an end to that after I tried that once when we were still dating. She still makes fun of me for it.”

More From YourTango:

Dream Interpretation: I Had Sex with Tim Curry As Frank-N-Furter

April 23, 2015

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photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I recently had a dream that I was having sex with a celebrity, the famous Tim Curry. But when I was engaging in sexual activity with him, it was year 1975 and he was dress in his Transvestite costume from the movie The Rocky Horror Picture Show and the sex was hot, I’m just being honest. I could feel him pick me up off the ground and hug me, his arms were strong and when his chest touch my chest, it was like a connection. We all know that Tim Curry is quite yummy anyway, especially with his acting skills. But to have a dream of having sex with him was unlike any other dream I’ve had in a long time. This dream probably doesn’t mean anything, but I’ve always wanted to better understand why I have the dreams I have when I’m asleep? To be more frank about the dream, the fact that it took place in year 1975 is crazy because I wasn’t born until 1988.

Lauri: As any Rocky Horror fan knows, RHPS hit movie theaters in 1975 and this, being 2015, is the 40th anniversary of that magnificent film! That is probably why your dream took place in 1975.

The thing about The Rocky Horror Picture Show is that it’s not just a movie, it’s an identity. When you are a fan, you are a diehard fan; it courses through your blood stream and becomes part of your DNA. That may explain the “connection” you felt in the dream when your chests touched. The chest is where the heart is after all and Rocky Horror, and the delicious Tim Curry, will be carried in your heart forever. Trust me, I’m well into my 40s and Rocky Horror has been a part of me since I was 15. I even had a pet tarantula named Meat Loaf!

Anyway, back to you. Just as you took Tim into your body in the dream, so have you taken Rocky Horror into your heart and soul in real life. In a nut shell, your dream is telling you to give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh – erotic nightmares beyond any measure, and sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Can’t you just see it? Don’t dream it, be it. (Sorry…had to.)


Visit Lauri’s site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams each morning, check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert. You can see all of Lauri’s books here. And hey, if you want your very own pin-up painting of you or your luvva (either vintage or modern), Lauri can do that, too!