photo via flickr

A recent survey by Pew Internet and the American Life Project found that one in three teens had shared a password (email, Facebook, etc.) with a friend or boyfriend or girlfriend. Apparently sharing your password is the new way to express intimacy, to prove to your partner that you have nothing to hide. Um, hello Facebook hacking! (Aside: Did you know that if you work at Facebook HQ and accidentally leave your FB account logged in when you leave your desk, some jokester colleague will update your status to say that you are pooping? Apparently it’s a company tradition.) Anyway. Maybe teens don’t have any credit card digits to lose just yet, but identify theft (or even just unauthorized identity borrowing) can suck in junior high too. We hope we don’t need to explain what a terrible idea this is.

But just in case we do — and we get it: exchanging letterman jackets and class rings is so last century — here are five better ways to express your intimacy, for the love-struck teen inside us all.

1. Get tested together for STDs. To clarify: forgoing the condom (before getting tested) doesn’t prove you have nothing to hide — it just makes you look like a dumb-ass.
2. Put your partner at the top of your speed dial list. You can even give them a special ring-tone.
3. Tag them in a cheeky status update on Facebook. Or proclaim your love @ them in a Tweet.
4. Get matching henna tattoos. Because matching permanent tattoos ranks right up there with sharing your password: 99% of you will come to regret it. Can you say “Wino Forever”?
5. Don’t have anything to hide! Don’t cheat, don’t lie, don’t talk trash behind someone’s back. If you’re honest to the core, you won’t need to prove it, because honesty speaks for itself.

• This post is a part of Sundance Channel’s SUNfiltered Blog
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photo via flickr

Every few weeks, Dr. Joe DeOrio, a urologist in Chicago, tackles questions about male sexuality here on EMandLO.com. To ask Dr. Joe your own question, click here.

Dear Dr. Joe,

Is it safe for me to enjoy receiving anal play if I have hemorrhoids?

– Backdoor Bob

Dear B.B.,

I guess the pertinent words here are “safe” and “enjoy.” If your definition of a safe and enjoyable sexual experience involves potential pain and bleeding, then we might be in business.

Okay, okay…maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, so let’s get into it. Surrounding the anal canal are plexuses of veins. In addition to performing the normal function of veins (returning blood to the heart), these plexuses may also contribute to fecal continence. A hemorrhoid is simply an abnormal dilation, or varicosity, of one of these veins. Since there are veins located both within the anal canal and at the level of the anus itself, one can develop both internal and external hemorrhoids.

Internal hemorrhoids are usually painless, and you might not even know that they are there. With irritation, however, they may bleed. Occasionally, they can prolapse, or stick out from the anus. Besides being a little unsightly, prolapsed hemorrhoids may become strangulated and lose their blood supply, which can be painful. External hemorrhoids, on the other hand, are often visible, appearing like a bulge at the anal verge. They are sometimes painful, they frequently itch or cause irritation, and they often bleed.

So what causes these little bundles of joy? Truth is, we don’t really know for sure. Hemorrhoids are associated with chronic constipation, occupations that involve prolonged sitting or standing, pregnancy, obesity, chronic diarrhea, and the abuse of laxatives — in essence, conditions that produce straining or increased intra-abdominal pressure or conditions that cause chronic irritation to the anal canal.

Does anal sex cause hemorrhoids? The jury is still out on that one. Undoubtedly, anal sex can increase anal pressure and cause some spasm. And it can also cause irritation, especially if you don’t use enough lubrication. Despite these facts, however, I suspect that anal sex, properly performed, will not result in hemorrhoids. In the presence of pre-existing hemorrhoids, however, anal sex can certainly irritate, inflame, or disrupt them, which can lead to pain, bleeding, and prolapse.

My recommendation? If you know you have hemorrhoids, treat them properly before attempting anal sex. Oftentimes, hemorrhoids will spontaneously resolve by increasing dietary fiber, maintaining good hydration, and moving about a bit during the workday. If that doesn’t do the trick, see a surgeon. There are a multitude of treatments that he or she can offer.

If you don’t know that you have hemorrhoids, if you are ignoring my advice and attempting anal sex anyway, or if you are just looking to prevent hemorrhoids, follow the common recommendations for healthy anal play: use plenty of lubrication, go slowly, and do not do anything painful. And don’t forget that the risk for acquiring STDs is higher with anal sex, so be safe.

– Dr. Joe

Dr. Joe earned his undergraduate degree in Molecular Biology from Princeton University. After attending the Loyola University Stritch School of Medicine, he completed his residency training in urological surgery at the Los Angeles County Medical Center. He lives and works in Chicago, IL. Keep an eye out for his upcoming blog at docjoe.net.

photo via flickr

If we had to distill our entire body of sex advice into one word, it would probably be this: communicate. Before sex, during sex, after sex — speak up, people! It’s the only way to get what you need and want, and to make sure that your partner is getting what they need and want, too. But this doesn’t mean that all talk is good. Below is a list of the ten worst things to say during sex, a.k.a. how to kill a good buzz in one sentence or less.

1. “Who sings this song?” … We’re big fans of a soundtrack for sex, but the music should be ambiance only. Sure, everyone’s mind wanders during at times, but try to hold that thought and Google the song later. Same goes for singing along to a song during sex — just don’t.
2. “What?” … There’s nothing worse than whispering a sordid dirty nothing in your partner’s ear and having them say “What was that?” Some things just don’t bear repeating. Of course, it’s kind of an awkward moment when you know your partner just said something, and you have no idea if it was “Do you know how hot you make me?” or “Can I put this in your butt?” Try something a little more subtle than “Huh?” though, such as, “Say that again” in your huskiest voice.
3. “My ex did this awesome thing with my nipples–” … It’s okay to ask your partner to do something awesome that your ex once did. Just try and be a bit subtle about it. No names, genius. And no instructions so bossy and precise that it’s clear you’re trying to replicate a moment. Guide your partner there gently.
4. “No, not like that!” … Speaking of: When you’re directing your partner, speak in positives unless something really hurts or your partner just doesn’t get it. Tell them, specifically, what to do, rather than what not to do. Enthuse loudly when they get it right and guide them with your hands and body when they don’t.
5. “Deeper!” … Ladies, we hope we don’t need to explain why this is a terrible thing to say in bed. Say harder, say faster, say more, say fuck me…say anything else.
6. “Is that pee?” … Unless you’re both so drunk that you can’t see straight, chances are the lady ejaculated.
7. “This never happens”or “Huh, that usually works.” … Whether you’re a man with a flagging erection or a woman who’s not climaxing in her usual way, try not to imply that your partner — being the only variable in the equation — is the problem. You may not mean this, but they’ll probably hear it that way.
8. “Ew.” … Bodies are gross. They’re hairy, they get zits, they make impolite noises and smells — and we’re just talking about the ladies! This is a fact of life for all humans, except perhaps for those genetic freaks who can make a living as professional models — and even they are airbrushed! When you and another person get naked together, loosen up, start sweating, and do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel, you might see, hear, and smell some uncivilized things. Don’t make a big deal about it. Don’t point and laugh. And if you’re the culprit, don’t do a Dutch oven.
9. “I don’t mind.” … This is a terrible answer to the question, “What do you want to do tonight?” — at least in the early stages of dating — and it’s always a terrible answer to the question, “What do you want me to do to you?” Have an opinion, have a suggestion, or at least have an adjective at the ready (hard, fast, gentle, naughty, whatever).
10. “Did you come?” … If you have to ask…

This article also appeared on EdenFantasys.com

photo via Flickr

dvice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What would you do if you had one day to be and think like a woman?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Straight Married Guy (Ben): The very first thing I’d do is make out with my wife —  so hot when she kisses other women. And really, I hate to be so cliche, but I’m probably like 9 out of 10 guys in that, with just one day as a woman, I’d prolly focus in on the physical experience of being a woman. In other words, lots of sex — lots of it with my wife and lots of it with whatever guys I could find (don’t worry, all okayed by my wife should this ever occur, as long as I play safe, she says). I’d probably have to leave the house at some point for more supplies (food, condoms, men, etc.) and I imagine it’d be at that point that I’d find out all about things like objectification, sexism and just how terrible men are as a class. This, I figure would be completely overwhelming and depressing. So I’d beat a quick retreat home and back into bed.

Straight Single Guy (Max): Obviously, the first thing I would do is try to have an orgasm. Or rather, orgasms. As many as possible. As a man, I’ve always been a bit jealous and very curious about the possibilities of multiple orgasms, and given this opportunity, I would go for it. After that? I’d probably go out and try to get some nice young man to buy me a whole lot of drinks, a fancy dinner, and maybe torture him a bit before I went home, alone, and pursued even more orgasms. Because hey: I’m still a straight guy, even if I’m in a woman’s body. I assume that I would retain my sexual orientation within such a magical transformation, and thus would not want to take a dude home. I’d feel bad about it, and I certainly don’t encourage women to take this route, but experimenting with men as a woman… well, it gets confusing.

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): I have often wondered what the difference is between straight women and gay men when it comes to how they think and feel about men in general. My suspicion is that it’s probably very similar. Even more interesting to me is how women approach sex with a man. Having enough male privilege, I could say that I’d fearlessly go after the kind of straight man I could never have as a gay man. But since I’ve never really experienced a fear of sexual violence towards me, that aspect would surely add another layer of complication/fascination to pursuing said straight man. Oh, and while I was at it, I’d definitely masturbate a lot so I could experience the most ecstatic multiple orgasm ever.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com; our Gay Guy is is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New York City. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

photo via Flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it) This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I just got married for the second time on Dec 4th. Last night I had a dream that my husband and I got separated after the wedding. He and some of the guests ended up at the reception, while I and some of the guests ended up at home. With me was my best friend Scott, and his mother and sister. Scott is a guy I met through my other best friend (who is also a guy) in high school. I fell for Scott instantly, but he didn’t see it that way. For most of high school I was in love with him. Nothing ever happened between us, but we did get really close as friends. He’s now like a brother to me, in fact I call him and my other best friend my brothers and they call me their sister. In the dream, we all got snowed in. We could get out of the house, but the roads and airports were closed down for the night. After finding everyone a place to sleep, I trudged to my room, exhausted and crying due to having to spend my wedding night alone. In my room I found Scott laying in my bed, fully clothed. “Crap. I gotta find a place for you to sleep,” I told him through my tears. He shook his head and beckoned me over to him. Not wanting to fight with him, I crawled in bed and lay in his arms, my head on his chest. My crying subsided after a while and I’d almost fallen asleep when Scott lifted my head. He looked at me and said “You should have married me,” and kissed me. The next thing I know, we’re making love.

Lauri: The separation you experience in the beginning of the dream is very likely connected to some sort of separation between you and hubby in waking life. It could be anything from a separation of ideas like a disagreement, to a separation in the time you two spend together. You wind up stuck at home in the dream which makes me wonder if you find yourself at home all too often while he is at work or traveling, hanging with friends, etc. You also wind up getting snowed in which just may be an indication a cold front has moved into your life to some degree. At the time of this dream, had you or your husband been giving the other the cold shoulder? Is there some situation or idea that you or he has not quite warmed up to?

In the dream you are finding rooms for everyone so they can sleep. I believe this is the way your dreaming mind is telling you that whatever is causing this cold front in your marriage, whatever is causing you to have a separation of ideas or is causing you to be apart as far as time with each other… you need to “put it to rest.”

And I believe this is where your friend comes in to play. It is likely that he represents the friendship within your marriage… that is, unless you REALLY DO – deep down – wish you had married him. Otherwise, the ensuing love-making is more about bringing the friendship into your marriage. Remember, sex in dreams is most often about bringing into your life or into your personality what you lack. In your case, this dream is a reminder that as husband and wife you must be friends first. It’s far easier to put issues to rest when you view each other as equals and as friends rather than opponents.

Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. Anonymity guaranteed! Don’t forget: you can get access to Lauri’s Instant Dream Decoding Dictionary on her site. And check out Lauri’s new book Dream On It, available everywhere!

photo via Flickr

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City and she answers your medical questions every few weeks on EMandLO.com. To ask her your own question, click here.

Dear Dr. Kate,

What does it feel like when a man’s penis hits the cervix during intercourse? I think it’s happened to me, but it doesn’t happen every time my partner and I have intercourse with deeper penetration. Can it hurt the cervix? How can this be avoided during sex while still allowing for deep penetration?

– Perplexed Cervix

Dear P.C.,

Deep penetration during intercourse can be immensely satisfying, and make you feel really connected to your partner….but sometimes has the less-satisfying effect of causing you pain. When the cervix is bumped, it can cause cramping in your uterus that ranges from mild to severe, or cause a dull aching or pressure-like feeling throughout your pelvis. Some women are more prone to cervical contact, if their uterus is tipped back towards their tailbone (or “retroverted”), bringing the cervix up and closer to the vaginal opening. The good news is that while cervical contact may hurt, it doesn’t hurt your cervix – no damage done. The best way to avoid it is to be maximally aroused before penetration – when the vagina is fully engorged, it gets longer and wider, and gives the penis more room to play, hopefully away from your cervix. Extra lubricant couldn’t hurt, as well.

– Dr. Kate
Gynotalk

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City. She also lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. She generously shares her medical wisdom with EM & LO readers every few weeks. Check out more of her advice and ask her a question at Gynotalk.com.

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. And frankly, this one is a doozie. Make your call by leaving your response in the comments section below.

Dear Em & Lo,

My stepdaughter just confided in me she had recently lost her virginity with her boyfriend. She’s fifteen and doesn’t want me to tell her mom. She said that I’m the only one she feels comfortable talking about sex with. I’ve always taught her to practice safe sex, choose her potential partners carefully, and to be discreet about her personal choices. What do you suggest about her request not to tell mom?  I don’t want to betray her trust, but I’d also like to avoid the scalding hot water I’ll be in if it ever gets out I held onto this piece of info.

– The Secret Sharer

What should T.S.S. do?

Scorpions album cover via Flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it) This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I am asleep in my dream, on my left side. This dream is a recurring one; there is always a stimuli of some sort that awakens me. The most recent I had it was the ringing of my cell. In my dream I understood that the particular ringtone that played as I was receiving a call was not the same I have in reality. This thought processed in my mind and I awaken to a figure of a man, he is almost like a shadow, completely black. He always caresses me… from my neck, down to my shoulder blades… to the small of my back… in each dream he is always touching me, running his hands on my body and he speaks but I am always too frantic to actually hear what he is saying to me. When I wake in actuality, I have chills that surge through me or goosebumps on my skin.

Lauri: It sounds like you are experiencing a parasomnia called Sleep Paralysis or The Old Hag Syndrome! And there is not a thing one should worry about when it happens. Here’s the deal: When we sleep and enter the REM state, which is when dreaming takes place, our brain releases a chemical that literally paralyzes our skeletal muscles so that we don’t act out our dreams. When we’ve had a fitful night of sleep or haven’t slept long enough, we will start to wake up before our brain can re-activate our muscle control, which causes us to get “stuck” in that in-between state of sleep and wakefulness. This is called Hypnogogia. Cool name, huh? In this state you are asleep and awake at the same time, which is why you are aware that you are in your room and in your bed. You may also find that you can’t move, speak or scream… because you are still paralyzed!

Another very common symptom of Sleep Paralysis is the dark figure in the room. Usually it is a sinister presence, which evokes a tremendous amount of fear in the dreamer. Often the figure will seem to sit on the bed or even get on top of you and try to suffocate you… or so it seems. It is such a frightening experience because the fear centers in the brain are very highly active during this state. Luckily for you, your dark figure seems to be more romantic than menacing!

There’s not a thing in the world to worry about when this happens. If you just relax, within a moment you’ll be fully awake and all will be well. But, what I suggest, the next time this happens, is to take advantage of it. Remember, it’s a way cool state of mind to be in: asleep and awake. It’s like having a foot in both worlds! When that dark figure enters the scene and begins to caress you, you can have fun with it and will him to turn into… I dunno… Brad Pitt… or your hottie of choice! At this point, you have become lucid and can take control and whatever you would like to happen at that point on is completely up to you! I also tell people to ask the figure a question like, “Who are you?” or “What’s the meaning of life?” and see what kind of answer you get!

Oh, and one last thing, these episodes often begin with a strange sound in our ear like a buzzing, a ringing, a whisper or even a ring tone! Researchers believe that is caused by the three tiny little bones in the inner called the hammer, anvil and stirrup. These bones tend to vibrate while we are in REM and can sometimes continue to vibrate when we experience Sleep Paralysis. Remember, this is a hallucinatory state so our minds will interpret the vibration into something else. So again, this is not anything to worry about. It typically means you aren’t getting enough good, solid sleep, and when it happens again, you can turn it into an amazing experience! Let us know what happens next time. I think we’d all love to know what you come up with!

Dreamer’s response: The science behind it all is definitely reassuring, seeing as any amount of information I tried researching on my own was futile. When I was younger, I actually had these occurences with a ghostly figure that had very unique distinctions about him. The only difference was he’d enjoy attempting things, as you mentioned, suffocating or holding me down. Always seemed to be the reason for my paralysis. I have heard of lucid dreaming and I think your idea of control is one I would have never thought possible but now am eager to try! I am psyched and plan to keep you posted with my next dream. Thank you so much for your quick and extremely insightful response!

Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. Anonymity guaranteed! Don’t forget: you can get access to Lauri’s Instant Dream Decoding Dictionary on her site. And check out Lauri’s new book Dream On It, available everywhere!

Lover’s Prisoner Kit available at EdenFantasys.com

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What would you tell a guy who was intimidated by the idea of his partner bringing sex toys into the bedroom?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Straight Single Guy (Tom Miller): Men take a certain amount of pride in their bedroom abilities, and despite the fact that we intellectually know most women can’t orgasm from insertion alone, it bums us out. However, letting a guy know that his anatomy is acceptable (almost too acceptable, really) and that you just have different needs goes a long way towards soothing his ego. Throw in something about the mystery of female sexuality and that you’ll let him hold the device in question, thus providing him additional “skin in the game,” and it should be gravy. Unless he’s a jerk or a babyhead.

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): The dead cliché answer would be to remind him that  they’re only called “toys” and “novelties” to get around puritanical blue laws. In reality, you could tell him, sex “toys” are tools for sex. Guys like tools. But here’s a more original approach: Tell him, if someone brings a Monopoly board into the den it would be a pretty good sign she’d like to play with you, right? So if your partner brings a sex toy into the bedroom that’s an even better sign she wants to play with you.

Gay Married Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): Get over yourself. And bend over.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. Tom Miller writes the Tomfoolery blog for YourTango; this week’s Gay Married Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish; and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

photo by rightee

In respons to this week’s Wise Guys installment by Angelo, Johnny and Chris about the appeal of the facial, fellow Wise Guys Figleaf and Mark wanted a piece of the action. Apparently, this is THE week to talk about money shots:

Figleaf 
January 17th, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I’m not even stepping into the whole “facial” business. I’ll just point out Charlie Glickman’s thoughts from a post that arrived in my newsreader moments before this one:

http://www.charlieglickman.com/2012/01/where-does-validation-come-from/.

Instead I’ll just say I think the “money shot” is a seriously stupid dual artifact of porn. First, in the production of porn it’s just way more convenient to towel semen off skin than out of bodily orifices and therefore it’s more cost effective. This is why, at least early on, it was the low-budget porn shops that did money shots rather than the well-heeled ones. Second, for decades, anyway, porn was primarily an aid for male masturbation and so, I think, money shots are a way to help watchers identify with male actors.

I really think the masturbation element is key. Yes, you’ll occasionally see men’s parters “finishing” them off, but for the vast, vast, vast majority of cases the man essentially stops interacting physically with his partner, steps back a ways, and basically jacks off.

Again, fine if you’re at home alone. But seems to me sort of the whole point of sex with a partner is to have sex with them… not just onthem.

Now, that said, don’t get me wrong. If you’re both into it (and increasing numbers of both men and women seem to be) and it’s all good clean fun for both of you then great. Lots of great things about “sex” don’t actually involve sex.

Also, that said, another name for “money shots” is “the withdrawal method.” And while nothing in life is certain, when ejaculation occurs outside a partner’s body it at best reduces the odds of pregnancy and STI transmission and even at worst it evens them out between the semen donor and semen receiver. So that’s ok too.

But at the end of the day, for me, the physical pleasure reduction of orgasm via masturbation rather than with a partner isn’t worth whatever symbolic enjoyment it seems to bring other people.

So, again for me, thanks but no thanks.

 

Mark
January 18th, 2012 at 9:41 am

Wise Guys must think alike — fellow WG figleaf, you stole my thunder! I, too, have Glickman’s blog in my feed, saw the coincident timing in yesterday’s post, and planned to link not only to it but to the first article he links to, “He Wants to Jizz on Your Face, but Not Why You Think”: http://jezebel.com/5875217/ — totally, uh, topical.