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Top 10 Life Lessons from “The Bachelor” (The Women Tell All)

March 3, 2015

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via The Bachelor’s Twitter feed

Last night, we came to the cat fight portion of the season with “The Women Tell All” episode of The Bachelor, in which producers gather together all rejected participants in a room with a live studio audience to watch — and defend — their most humiliating, offensive, mean-spirited and basically indefensible moments. Your mother catching you in your teenage bedroom naked with a bowl of Jell-O would be less awkward. There were new hairdos (Kelsey), new extensions (Carly), new cleavage (Ashley I), and new boobs (Jade) — and we learned that new doesn’t always mean better. We learned a lot of other decent life lessons, too — ten, in fact. Because just watching The Bachelor to make fun of other people’s highly entertaining foibles and personality flaws would not be honorable. Bettering ourselves in the process makes it meaningful. See, this is God’s work we’re doing here, people!:

  1. Live life like the cameras are not watching: be authentic, honest, unselfconscious, and unafraid to ugly-cry. That said, if you’re going to fake cry, do it better than our 7-year-old daughters.
  2. When someone asks you a question, don’t pussyfoot: be direct, forthcoming and honest. (Lady: “Can I ask a question?” Chris Harrison, channeling his inner Christian Grey: “No.”)
  3. Closure is overrated…and often an illusion: you’re never going to hear what you want to hear.
  4. Stealing kisses = a big no no. You must give you’re intended the chance to decline your generous offer of osculation. Otherwise it’s basically mouth assault — even when done by someone old enough to be your mother.

  5. Being a space cadet from your own planet is better than being a Barbie from L.A.
  6. Having a sense of humor is the most attractive quality, not only in the next Bachelorette (Kaitlyn!), but in any human being.
  7. When someone asks you for forgiveness, accept it graciously, even if you think they’re full of shit. You can take measures to distance yourself from them going forward to avoid further harm or hurt, but you’ll have ended things on a positive note, with you looking (and feeling) like a decent person.
  8. The best “Bachelor” drinking game for getting plastered: Drink when 1) anyone says “amazing,” 2) the craziest person on the show does something crazy, 3) the Bachelor/ette kisses someone, 4) tears, or 5) anyone says “the right reasons.” (Credit: the “hardiest” of the party girls Prince Farming and Host Charming busted in on.)
  9. When life gives you onions, use your magical thinking to turn them into pomegranates.
  10. If Chris Harrison can write a novel, so can you.

Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.”¬†

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Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (Iowa + Hometowns)

February 17, 2015

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from “The Bachelor’s” hysterical Twitter feed

It’s kind of ironic that “Fifty Shades of Grey,” with its helipads and helicopters and gliders and penthouses and fancy cars, came out the same weekend “The Bachelor”¬†aired its least glamorous episodes ever, featuring the scent of manure in the air, the shuttered businesses of a 400-person town, the fluorescent-lit high-school hallways of one’s glory days, the tattered drapes and 80s-style couches of three-star midwestern hotels… (Seriously, shouldn’t these ladies be traipsing quaint European villages by now?) In a first for the show, the producers pulled back the curtain to reveal the real Bachelor with all the bells and whistles removed — in this case, Chris Soules in his natural habitat, a ghost of a town called Arlington, Iowa. The ladies quickly learned that life with Prince Farming would include fifty shades of corn and not much else. That only one of the remaining contestants expressed a real impulse to run just goes to show how lights, cameras, too little food, and too many cocktails can really impair one’s judgment.

Don’t let your romantic judgment be impaired, either: learn the dating lessons from this week’s double feature of ¬†”The Bachelor” right here, right now:

  1. Beware the man who’s main method of communication is silent bobble-heading. Also, look out for someone who, when he’s at a loss for words, immediately starts making out just to fill the long, awkward pauses.
  2. Talking shit about other women to your date is unattractive. Only do it if you want to get dumped.
  3. If you feel you are being mistreated in your relationship, by all means speak up and speak your mind to your partner. But do it in private, not in front of other people — especially if those other people are interested in your partner for themselves.
  4. Everyone makes mistakes. Even if you have regrets in your past, own them. Don’t treat them like a mutant half-sister you secretly keep locked in your attic (unless, of course, your regret¬†is¬†enslaving your monster sibling). So, you took some nude photos on a lark — so what? The bigger the deal you make of these kind of mistakes to your date, the worse they’ll seem.
  5. Don’t throw your friends and relatives under the bus in a paternalistic effort to protect them from getting their hearts broken. Let them make — and learn from — their own romantic mistakes.

Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.”¬†

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Top 6 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (The Badlands)

February 10, 2015

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from “The Bachelor’s” hysterical Twitter feed

After such a tepid start, this season of¬†“The Bachelor”¬†has really started delivering on the crazy, thanks in part….okay, all thanks to the evil manipulation of events by the hand-rubbing, mustache-twirling producers. Let’s give the jock the short wedding dress during the mud run competition so she’s sure to win the one-on-one date where Chris can unceremoniously boot her off! Let’s force Chris to ditch his other dates and secretly take the one they’re most jealous of to a concert she won’t even like (but the others would have loved)! ¬†Let’s make Chris keep the two craziest ladies in the house long after he wanted them gone just so he can dump them both in the Badlands and escape via helicopter!¬† We’d feel pretty morally outraged if we weren’t so shamelessly entertained.¬†With all the choreographed drama this week, there weren’t a lot of obvious love and dating lessons¬†to be gleaned, but somehow we managed. After all, we’re professionals:

  1. Even though it feels like you “won’t ever get over” a breakup (Mackenzie), you will. Especially if you’re only 21. Life goes on, and you will too. The more proactive you are about it, the better.
  2. Just because you’ve never experienced something in the flesh, doesn’t mean your first time with it has to be totally uninformed. Whether you’re an inexperienced kisser, a heterosexual intercourse virgin, or a newbie to the Bend Over Boyfriend Kit, do a little research, read up on some tips and tricks, watch some vids for inspiration, and/or practice by yourself. For example, even though Becca may be a virgin, after a great date with obvious chemistry there’s really no excuse for kissing Chris like somebody’s parents would in front of their little kids.
  3. As soon as you feel overconfident about the security of your relationship, that’s when you should really worry about losing it. Overconfidence breeds selfishness, myopia, and lackadaisical loving — three things that are anathema to a healthy, thriving relationship. The person who thinks they “have this in the bag” often has a big-ass hole in their bag.
  4. When it comes to makeup, less is more. Use a light touch when applying foundation. And, for the love of all that’s holy, do not attempt contouring unless you are a professional makeup artist, otherwise you’ll end up looking like you rubbed dirt all over your face for you’re date (which, if your date was in the dusty Badlands, maybe you did).
  5. If a lot of people, including the person you think you’re going to marry, feel the need to point out certain personality flaws to your face, that’s probably a good time to do some soul searching and life questioning, rather than doubling down on the idea of how perfectly unflawed you are.
  6. As much as we understand the impulse (and enjoy watching the resultant visuals on TV), do not revel in the romantic misfortunes of others, because the exact same fate likely awaits you…and soon. Karma’s a bitch (and so is the Bachelor).

 


 
Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.”¬†

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Top 8 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (New Mexico Is a State)

February 3, 2015

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from “The Bachelor’s” hysterical Twitter feed

Okay, it wasn’t the most dramatic rose ceremony ever (because there wasn’t one), but it was the most dramatic episode of this season so far, for sure. ¬†The Emmy for Best Actress in a Reality Show should go to either Britt (“I want 100 kids! I’m an Angelina-Jolie-hot waitress in Hollywood. but I will totally move to Boonies, USA for this doorknob.”) and Kelsey (“I’m not insane, this is a real panic attack! My husband mysteriously died from….congenital heart failure? Yeah, that’s the ticket!”). There was also the MOST AWKWARD DATE EVER with a new-agey love guru basically encouraging date rape, along with a great behind-the-scenes hotel room bitch fest (Ashley I Wanna Be a Kardashian vs. Whitney Nails on Chalkboard). It’s only a matter of time before Prince Farming punches a hole in the wall — we’re placing bets and holding our breath! In the meantime, let’s review the¬†important life lessons about love and dating from last night’s episode of “The Bachelor”:

  1. We’re sex writers. We’ve talked publicly about oral sex, anal play, even fisting. But even we have a problem using the word “juiciness” when speaking about romantic/sexual relationships. There are just some taboos that should not be broken — this is one of them. (Speaking of the love guru, that was Carrie Brownstein doing one of her characters from Portlandia, right?)
  2. When playing erotically with food, try to avoid making your partner look like a one-and-a-half-year-old in a high chair who just went full-tantrum on a bowl of mashed black beans.
  3. On a date, don’t succumb to any sexual pressure to do something you’re uncomfortable doing, whether that pressure is coming from your date or a sage-burning, irony-free bystander.
  4. That said, definitely try that breathing thing! Sit on your partner’s lap (or vice versa), place your mouths an inch apart, don’t kiss, and just breath in synch with each other (one in, the other out, etc) while touching each other “like you’ve never felt another human body before.” Editors’ note: Be sure to rinse with mouthwash beforehand.
  5. There’s something to be said for seeing yourself through your adoring partner’s eyes, rather than through your own unforgivingly critical ones. At the same time, women shouldn’t need a man to tell them they’re beautiful, give them confidence, or make them feel worthy. Take a compliment, but don’t rely on them.
  6. Never use these three words: “As a man.” Same goes for “Be a man.” There are no moral or righteous actions that these phrases might refer to that couldn’t also be taken by someone with a vagina (except for maybe peeing standing up). Acting like a decent human being is not the sole domain of manly men.
  7. While we’re on the topic of terms to avoid, never refer to another woman as “that.” It’s unkind.
  8. Finally, never use a tragic occurrence in your life to try gain love or sex (or, in this case, a pity rose). Your tale of woe is not a pickup line. Or an excuse to makeout. In fact, it may very well be a boner killer…or a rose snatcher.

Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.”¬†

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Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (Camping, Not Glamping)

January 27, 2015

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photo via @BachelorABC (the caption read: “One of these virginities will be taken tonight.” Brilliant.)

The fourth episode of ABC’s “The Bachelor”¬†featured more Emmy-worthy editing, from the tiny violins playing over Ashley “Kardashian’s”s tragic princess soliloquy to the close-up shots of her weave to the sad, foreboding music behind Jillian’s tasteless “Who Would You Rather” inquiry. That said, we would revoke all Emmys for the misleading season teaser they made a few weeks ago which suggested premature pre-fantasy-suite humping happened in a tent. Lying liars!

While the catty interpersonal drama we’ve come to love and expect is a little lacking this season, and Prince Farming’s personality is nowhere to be found, we can still glean some important life lessons about love and dating from “The Bachelor”:

  1. It’s 2014. Can we please dispense with the retro myth that virginity = value? Just because you’ve never experienced the presence of a penis in your vagina does not make you “marriage material.” (And while we’re at it, let’s dispense with that old-fashioned “marriage material” term, too!) Respect given should not ebb and flow in relation to the number of partners a person has had. (Chris: “It makes me respect her more.” Say wha?!) Are you in touch with your sexuality and enjoy sex with open and honest communication? Great! Are you abstaining until you’ve found the right person? Great! But please don’t whip out your V-card and flash it around like it’s a Black Amex.
  2. Lipstick, concealer, bronzer, and contour makeup have no place on a camping date. It’s okay to get glammed up for special occasions (though we’d reconsider the fake, tarantula-leg eyelashes), but a quick run to the corner store to pick up croissants and the Sunday New York Times for you and your lovie should not require three and a half hours of prep in front of the vanity.
  3. Little girls under the age of six can get away with calling themselves “Disney Princesses” — just barely. But if you are an adult woman, you should not consider yourself a princess, expect to be treated like one, or refer to yourself as such in public with zero shame. This is the real world, not Far Far Away; you are a grownup, not a spoiled brat. Self-infantilization is not attractive.
  4. Before this becomes the official Poop on Ashley I. Parade, let’s switch gears: It’s your life and your body, do with it what you want — but when revealing past personal choices, consider the nude modeling slightly more potentially scandalous than the called-off engagement.
  5. It is a HUGE red flag when you gently ask the person you’re dating a legitimate, challenging question and they become so enraged that they cannot form a complete sentence — indeed, they cannot even finish a single sentence. (Verbatim: “I guess, ah, I see two sides, like, a, Kaitlyn has a lot of different facets that are, not, and I don’t, those aren’t, I see the Kaitlyn that’s just, you know what I mean? I mean obviously, I mean if you like her or dislike her, I don’t see, I don’t look at Kaitlyn like being some really, I mean I’m not rewarding inappropriate behavior, you know, by giving roses to people that are, and I, if you view it as that, um…”) When the expression on your date’s confused face reads “Can’t talk, must punch,” it’s probably a good idea to back up slowly and then briskly walk away.
Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.”¬†

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Top 10 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (Wedding “Crashers” Episode)

January 20, 2015

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photo via ABC’s The Bachelor

Last night’s third episode of ABC’s “The Bachelor”¬†continued the season’s new style of embracing the humor along with the histrionics (often via some heavy-handed editing at the women’s expense). For examples of this trend, see Ellen DeGeneres’s recent season recap:

Is Chris Soules so boring that the producers’ only recourse is to turn the show into an ongoing bloopers reel? Probably. Is it kind of uncool of them to caricature the women’s poor drunken choices, their fashion faux pas, and their mental instability with clever camera work and cruel cuts. Um, yeah. Is it still incredibly entertaining and addictive and we’ll never be shamed into not watching? Of course! As always, we’ve sacrificed our own brain cells for your benefit. Behold, the best¬†dating advice “The Bachelor” can give!:

  1. It may be trendy, but clown-color lipstick is not a good choice if you’re hoping for a late-date make-out sesh. We’re all for men wearing make-up, but it’s got to be their own choice.
  2. You don’t have to pretend to be the “cool girl”, as defined by Gillian Flynn in “Gone Girl,” in order to get the guy: “Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she‚Äôs hosting the world‚Äôs biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don‚Äôt mind, I‚Äôm the Cool Girl… Men actually think this girl exists.” We were reminded of this passage when Kaitlin said she wouldn’t mind if Chris slept with all the women in the fantasy suites, even if Kaitlin and he ended up engaged, because it was all “part of the process.” Yeah, right.
  3. When pursuing a romantic interest, do not bring along a funnier, more interesting person as your wingman/wingwoman (that goes double if said wingperson is a famous celebrity, triple if they’re a famous celebrity comedian). They will upstage you while underscoring your flaws.
  4. Ass crack should not be a fashion accessory, ever.
  5. Five words you should never say on a first or second date: “Let’s pretend it’s our wedding.” Similarly, avoid cheesy pick up lines and canned prefaces to first kisses, e.g. “You’re a man and I’m a woman, so I just wanted to take advantage…” (You may also want to avoid ¬†the phrase, “Salty and warm, that’s not stuff I like in my mouth.” Then again, asserting that upfront may be a good thing, depending on how you roll.)
  6. Not rushing into things, saving something for later, and leaving something to the imagination are all legitimate dating strategies (and not only when you’re one of 18 people trying to play one-on-one tonsil hockey with the same person). We’re not suggesting you play games, we’re just saying the beginning of a relationship is one of the most fun parts — why not draw it out and make it last?
  7. Never underestimate the transformative power of knowing how to dance, even if it’s only the “Shopping Cart” and the “Fishing Rod.” Prince Farming got 80% more attractive once he exhibited his moves on the dance floor of the wedding he “crashed” with his date. It’s called rhythm — get some.
  8. While we would caution against employing a Kardashian look, we must insist unequivocally that you never publicly admit that you actually have “a Kardashian look” that you sometimes employ.
  9. While we understand there’s no time like the present, we question the wisdom of dropping the details of a personal tragedy to the object of your affection in the middle of an event like a fun, flirty, boozy pool party…while dressed in wet bathing suits. (Don’t even get us started on wisdom of wearing a foreheadband.)
  10. In the immortal words of Rosy Grier, it’s alright to cry (see below) — for instance, over the tragic suicide of your husband and baby’s father. However, it is NOT alright to cry because someone won’t get out of a hot tub.
Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.”¬†

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Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (Prince Farming’s First Dates)

January 13, 2015

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photo via ABC’s The Bachelor

Last night’s second episode of ABC’s “The Bachelor”¬†proved to be quite entertaining, despite Prince Farming having the personality of a soybean. The producers seemed to pepper the episode with the kind of zany, kooky, funny stuff usually reserved for the closing credits — in order to make up for Chris Soules’s snooze-inducing flat affect, perhaps? Hey, we’ll take it, since the bloopers reel they play at each finale is the highlight of every season! ¬†Of course, between the wise cracks and the drunken twerking, there were still plenty of¬†love lessons to be learned!:

  1. On “The Bachelor,” as in life, there are no hard and fast dating rules. If you change your mind about someone or want to give them a second chance, that’s fine — in fact, it’s open-minded, open-hearted and quite generous. Just be sure you’re not leading them on. If you know, deep down, there’s no hope for a future relationship, quash it quickly, as Chris did with Kimberly (a.k.a. Oliver, as in “Please sir, may I have some more?”)
  2. Do not humiliate your date by parading her around town like a sex doll. For example, making her walk in public places (that aren’t the beach or the pool) wearing only a bikini — in the freezing cold, no less — while you enjoy the benefits of full length shorts and a hoodie during your stroll is Uncool with a capital U. Equal opportunity objectification, people! (And are bikini bottoms really the appropriate attire for riding on tractors and sitting on hay bales? Wethinks Prince Farmer would say no, so he should have advocated for the dignity and comfort of his dates as an expert in this field, no pun intended, and just as a decent human being.)
  3. Don’t kiss and tell (we’re looking at you, Mackenzie) — at least to people who fall into one or more of the following categories: near strangers, singles, the recently broken-hearted, people interested in the same person you just swapped spit with. Otherwise, you come across as, at best, insensitive and, at worst, mean-spirited (or else just totally clueless).
  4. We don’t care whether you’re drunk or stupid, it’s not okay to put other women down in order to try to elevate yourself into a higher dating bracket. It never works; in fact, it always backfires. No matter how pretty, in shape, or hair free you are, you will come across as a bad person. And nobody wants to date a bad person. Cheap shots — whether we’re talking personal digs or alcohol (ahem, Jordan) — are never a good idea (even though they, admittedly, make for great TV).
  5. Just because someone isn’t into you, doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of love. It just means you didn’t quite click. Buck up, cowgirl. You’re still so young! You’ve got plenty of time to sow your wild oats. Eventually you’ll find a farmer made just for you whom you can sow some serious cereal grains with.
Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.”¬†

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What Did You Think of Jeremy Renner’s “Globes” Joke?

January 12, 2015

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screen shot from the Golden Globes on NBC

J. Lo wore one of her, shall we say, memorable numbers to the 2015 Golden Globes, the kind of outfit that draws the unblinking stare of even the gayest gay man like greedy raiders of a lost ark. So when she and Jeremy Renner were about to announce the winner for Best TK, and Lopez said “I’ve got the nails” (meaning the long fingernails to best open the card with the winner’s name), Renner quipped, “You’ve got the globes, too.” So, what do you think? Poll below the Vine.




Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (Prince Farming’s Season Premiere)

January 6, 2015

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photo via ABC’s The Bachelor

It’s been a long, grueling wait, but last night we finally got our fix with the live season premiere of ABC’s “The Bachelor”! This season features “Prince Farming” and Bachelorette runner-up, Chris Soules — a guy who’s so deep in the Iowa boondocks, the closest Starbucks is over an hour away! Absolutely bone-chilling. But somehow, the producers were able to find not 20, not 25, but 30 brave women willing to marry him and move there, basically sight (and site) unseen. Let the dating mistakes begin, be made, and be learned from!:

  1. Never admit in public, let alone to your date, that as an adult you shamelessly live with your mother, don’t know how to cook for yourself, and are effing crazy. In fact, forget about admitting such things, don’t DO such things in the first place if you want to be even remotely dateable. (Ahem, Amanda.)
  2. Baby Voice + Vocal Fry = an incredibly short shelf life for any potential relationship. Even if this is how you talk naturally (and we are NOT convinced that this sound occurs spontaneously in nature), you must take measures to correct this unholy mutation: vocal coaching, vocal chord surgery, testosterone treatments, etc. (You know who you are.)
  3. Using gimmicks on a first date to make yourself memorable often seems desperate and pathetic, rather than creative and quirky. Don’t try so hard to separate yourself from the pack, just be your sincere, genuine self. If a situation naturally arises for you to demonstrate your singing ability, your breakdancing skills, or your cadaver tissue excavation, great! But don’t force it. Quick rule of thumb: if you require props for first dates, you’re doing it wrong. Exception to the rule: small, heartfelt tokens may — we said, may — endear your date to you, but the bigger the prop or the more performative it makes you, the worse off you’re going to be perceived by said date (and the rest of the nation, if they happen to be watching).
  4. We’ve said it a thousand times before, we’ll say it again: Alcoholically speaking, pace yourself on a date! A drink or two — or even three when the date lasts until the freakin’ sun comes up — is fine to calm your nerves, slightly loosen inhibitions and give yourself a little liquid confidence. But please don’t get sloshed on your dates. It’s not safe: you could get sexually assaulted, you could fall from a high height, you could embarrass yourself on national television, you could suffer the wrath of 29 judgy women all vying for the attention of the man you’re dating who will happily and publicly flatten your character with a steamroller!
  5. The limit on dirty jokes you can tell on a first date is ONE. Even then, we highly recommend testing the waters first before you drop the bomb, i.e. don’t let it be the very¬†first thing out of your potty mouth. We’re all for a good crotch joke, but knowing when, where and how often is key. As with alcohol and first-date tongue, moderation rules.

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Poll: Is Ben Affleck More or Less Attractive After His Appearance on “Real Time”?

October 8, 2014

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Okay, we know this is a stretch for a sex & relationships website, but we just are having so much fun reading all the debates over last week’s episode of Real Time, in which host Bill Maher and guest Sam Harris, a “new atheist” author, clashed with actor Ben Affleck over whether it’s appropriate to criticize the ideology of Islam, or whether that smacks of racism and xenophobia. There have basically been two camps of response: “Ben Affleck for president!” and “Aw man, now I’m not going to get to see Gone Girl because I don’t want to support this bloviating idiot.” Watch the clip below, if you haven’t already, and let us know where you fall.


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