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Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Thailand Fantasy Suites)

  1. Beware of perfect morning hair.  You can’t have uninhibited sex if you’re worried about messing up your hair (Robby). A aerosol-sprayed, rock-solid coif in the early A.M. after a night of supposed boot-knocking betrays a depth of vanity that rivals Donald Drumpf’s. Intimacy includes being and looking vulnerable: messy hair, no makeup, the […]

How To
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Hometown Drama)

    1. It’s alright to cry. Guys, emotions are your friends. Did you learn nothing from Rosey Grier singing on “Free to Be You and Me”?  Or from Dolly Parton in “Steel Magnolias” when she said “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion”? Okay, first you have to actually get through “Steel Magnolias” without killing […]

Pop Culture
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Raining Men in Argentina)

  1. Small talk is an art form. In the car ride with Alex and JoJo to the goucho ranch, the silences were more painful than slamming your thumb in a car door or listening to the entire Rick Astley discography. You know things aren’t going well when your date moans like a cow in labor because […]

Pop Culture
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Don’t Cry for Me Argentina)

Was it because we sacrilegiously watched “The Bachelorette” sans wine for once, or was this episode particularly boring? That milquetoast tango scene was getting dangerously close to jumping the shark. Still, we were able to mine some love-lesson gems out of it for the betterment of humankind: 1. Don’t psych yourself out! Alas, poor Wells! I knew you. You were the kind […]

Pop Culture
Top 7 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Uruguay Is Where?)

We had to wait two long, grueling weeks for the next installment of The Bachelorette, but last night’s reprieve finally, mercifully came. Sadly, it didn’t deliver on the Chad drama we were promised, but instead only made his Neanderthal ways seem somewhat justified in the face of an angry coiffed mob (we hate it when Chad […]

Pop Culture
The Top 10 Laws of Love in the Bachelorette Universe

The reality gods smiled down on us last night and blessed us with a bonus episode of The Bachelorette. Perhaps two nights in a row of juicy, ‘roid-fueled drama made it easier to decipher the strange laws of love particular to the world of The Bachelorette: All dates require a bathing suit portion of the outing. This is non-negotiable, […]

Pop Culture
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Chad Obliterates a Yam)

Last night’s episode of The Bachelorette could have (should have) just been the first group date in its entirety: a live storytelling event in front of an audience wherein each guy had to divulge some secret personal sex story. Wells apparently had a hilarious threesome story (complete with a fart punchline!), but we only got […]

Pop Culture
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (JoJo’s First Dates)

There were a lot of lessons to be learned from JoJo’s first dates, so let’s dive right in: 1. Have a positive, can-do, lighthearted attitude like Wells. Is DJ Skellington ripped? No, but he’s happy to hang out at the pool in a bathing suit, sans sun shirt. Does he have physical endurance? No, but he […]

Pop Culture
Top 5 Love Lessons from the Season Premiere of “The Bachelorette”

It’s baaaaaaaack. The premiere of season 12 of ABC’s The Bachelorette found (the boobs of) Joelle “JoJo” Fletcher bouncing back from being very ceremoniously dumped on national television by milquetoast cousin of Miss Piggy, Ben Higgins, on the last season of The Bachelor.  So we’re back to  relieve you of some of the guilt you surely […]

TV
New Season of “House of Cards” Starts Off with a Bang

Not a literal bang. A fantasy bang. An erotic narration by one prison cellmate to another as the latter masturbates (this is literally the very first scene, before the opening credits, of Netflix’s season four of its original show, House of Cards). The narrator here is the rather scruffy and depressed-looking Lucas Goodwin, once a respected journalist, […]