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Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Kaitlyn’s First Dates)

May 26, 2015


via ABC.com

The Bachelor/ette franchise may have finally been completely ruined for us last nigth after Amy Schumer’s guest appearance during one of Kaitlyn’s group dates. That’s how brilliant she was, turning the show into what it really should be, what it was meant to be. Schumer was her usual, inappropriately hilarious self, but it’s a testement to her craft that she was able to refrain from bringing up any “Bachelor” aborshes, no matter how tempting — the comedian can read an audience (or else the censors just kicke in). After mentoring several contestants on penning their own stand-up routines, hosting the group date at the Improv, and realizing after only half a day that she wants to spend the rest of her life with Kaitlyn, Schumer proved that she should be on every episode of “The Bachelorette,” either as the host (sorry, Chris Harrison) or the bachelorette herself, returing every season, again and again. Now we fear the show may truly be unwatchable from here on out — it was just that good:

Oh, who are we kidding? There are still plenty of love lessons to be learned from the mistakes of those who continue to foolishly go on national television to find love. Here are a quick five from last night:

  1. There is no shame in walking away from a fight. In fact, it’s a sign of character to know your own limits, exhibit more reason than machismo, and be an embassador of peace and love. Plus, why would you want to risk getting your nose broken before a date? Dumb as rocks. Just as everyone who voted for Britt should have walked away from this “process,” everyone other than the “200 pound human brick wall” should have walked away from the ring.
  2. There’s a fine line between confidence and cockiness: don’t cross it. (We’re talking to you, JJ.)
  3. If someone’s made it to age 31 without ever having been in love before, there’s a reason for that — and it’s probably not a good one. (A person using the term “love virgin” is grounds enough for walking away.)
  4. When trying to get someone interested in you, don’t complain to them that they’re not showing enough interest in you. Prove you’re worthy of attention; don’t whine that you’re not getting any (Kupah).
  5. As Britt and Katy Perry will tell you, “After a hurricane comes a rainbow. Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed? So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.” Getting rejected — whether on national television or not — could be the best thing that happens to you.
Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.” 



The Forthcoming Slut-Shaming of the Bachelorette

May 20, 2015


Last night, during part two of the season premiere, Bachelor Nation quickly learned that the producers had in fact stacked the deck against Britt to ensure Kaitlyn would take her rightful place as The Bachelorette. But even being staunch supporters of the Kaitlyn campaign did not make watching Britt’s unceremonious dismissal enjoyable. The Highlander gimmick — as with most recent Bachelor gimmicks — seemed incredibly cheap, manipulative and just not worth it. “Hey, we’re going put you on a shaky pedestal, just to watch you fall off!” At least the singer-songwriter Brady followed his heart, pulled himself out of the game, and went in search of Britt, hopefully saving her from a life on ChristianSingles.com. (Maybe yoga-dork Tony should’ve considered walking the walk more, like Brady, instead of just talking all his apparently disingenuous new-age talk.*)

Unfortunately, shaky pedestals are mostly what The Bachelor/ette franchise trades in. And so we discovered in the season highlights featured at the end of the show — undeniably the most dramatic minute of last night’s entire 1-hour episode — that just because Kaitlyn was crowned Bachelorette does not mean she’s going to get off scot free. Oh no, prepare to be taken down a peg or 12!

Apparently, Kaitlyn has sex on this season of “The Bachelorette.” To which you might say, “Yeah, we all know the Bachelor/ettes usually have sex with the three people who end up in their three fantasy suites, so what? This is sanctioned, encouraged, practically obligatory in the world of ‘The Bachlor/ette.’ Nobody judges because it’s understandable that you want to sample the sex before you sign on for a life of it.”

But Kaitlyn has sex before the fantasy suites - Dun dun DUN!!!!!! Cue the foreboding music, the outrage, and, of course, the slut shaming.

We’ll admit, it may not be the nicest or the classiest thing in the world to have sex with one person while you’re dating several others. But then that standard should be applied across the board, even in the fantasy suites — after all, which god deemed that multiple sexual partners is sanctioned only within the sacred confines of a petal-strewn hotel room in the tropics? It’s all so arbitrary!

Which begs the question: is the level of interrogation, judgment and resulting tearful self-indictment that Kaitlin apparently experiences, as suggested in the teaser, really warranted? On his own season, Juan Pablo, who had (some kind of) sex with Clare in the ocean, was spared similar treatment — no, all the ire was directed at Clare, not him. Apparently, women are the guardians of sex; they alone have the burden of good judgment, self restraint and appropriately-timed purity. Men are off the hook, because they can’t help themselves (duh) — women, on the other hand, should really know better.

We can hope the producers just exaggerated the drama and threw up some red herrings to get us to tune in this season (as they’re notorious for…and which we’re suckers for). But even if that’s the case, the producers still edited the package to run Kaitlyn over the rails. They may as well have had wardrobe put her in a shirt with a scarlet letter on the front (made out of rose petals, natch)!

When people are put in impossibly romantic situations, with mood lighting, bathing suites, hot tubs, hotel rooms and countless glasses of champagne — all with at least the spoken intention of finding and falling in love — can we really blame them for taking a hot and heavy makeout session to the next obvious level? And if we can, then we’ve got to be consistent with our blame: If women are expected to abstain, then men must be too; if sex on “The Bachelor/ette” is not okay in regular hotel rooms, then it shouldn’t be okay in the fantasy suites.

It seems like Kaitlyn has the ability to keep things in perspective: at one point she says, “I don’t think I’m a bad person and I’m not ashamed of myself. [I just] made a huge mistake.” Let’s hope the men on the show and, more importantly, America can too.

* As cringe-inducing as Tony is, he did come up with one of the best new terms for masturbation that we’ve heard in a long time: “There’s one water fountain now and we’re all standing in line,” said Tony, after they sent his first choice, Britt, home. “I’m feeling like going home and digging my own well.” Digging my own well. We’re gonna use that!

Read our take on the first part of the season premiere of “The Bachelorette.


Top 5 Love Lessons from “The BacheloretteS” (Kaitlyn & Britt’s Season Premiere)

May 19, 2015


Life began again last night with the premiere of ABC’s “The Bachelorette”– or should we say, “The BacheloretteS”? After all, this season’s big twist was pitting last season’s two favorites — Kaitlyn Potty-Mouth Bristowe and Britt Insincerity’s-My-Middle-Name Nillson — against each other in a Highlander-esque cocktail party where they had to outcharm 25 fairly unimpressive guys in order to score the most roses by night’s end.

We haven’t read any spoilers, so simply going off of last night’s episode intel, here are our theories (read: hopes):

The producers know Bachelor Nation (i.e. middle aged married moms who like to make themselves feel better about their life choices by watching young people make such bad ones*) will not stand for Britt winning, not with her kitten voice, her requisitely long-flowing princess locks, and her beautiful brown eyes, so colored because of the amount of shit she’s full of. And so they’ve stacked the party guests in down-to-earth Kaitlyn’s favor, so that we may all rejoice again once more in a melodramatic tear-fest performed by Britt when she’s quickly and unceremoniously ejected.

Either that, OR . . .

Mr. Drunky McDrunk Ryan was just a plant who was enlisted to destroy the tie-breaking rose — while wearing a wet Speedo — in an over-the-top display of drunken disdain and disrespect for the two women and this “process”, serving two purposes: 1) Produce the requisite blackout scene every viewer of Bachelor/ette cocktail parties has come to know, love and expect. And 2) Force a tie between the two women which will magically spur the producers to decide to let the women parallel-play dating roullette for at least a little while longer (i.e. until the majority of men realize that Kaitlyn is the only viable choice).


The best-looking and smartest-seeming men could not prevail over the more meatheaded Neanderthals who were hypnotized by Britt’s shiny sparkly-ness and the feelings it stirred under their loincloths, resulting in Kaitlyn’s premature departure tonight. But because of the collective yearnings of Bachelor Nation, the producers will be compelled — indeed, they’ve planned it all along! — to bring Kaitlyn back in dramatic twist that gives the remaining contestants the chance to mutiny, jump Britt’s ship and take their rightful place alongside Kaitlyn.

These are not guaranteed predictions — we can’t see the future (because we refuse to read spoilers). But we can guarantee that if you learn the love lessons imparted on last night’s episode, you’ll fare far better than pretty much all the people who’ve ever been on an episode of “The Bachelor/ette”:

  1. In the immortal words of host Chris Harrison, delivered with total earnestness and not even a whiff of irony, “Change is hard.” For those of you who need help unpacking that heavy shit: Put your big girl pants on, expect curveballs, and instead of whining about them, embrace them with as much grace as possible (which in Kaitlyn’s case, may not have been much, but at least she tried…really, rilly hard).
  2. Probably a good idea not to call someone you’re hoping to date, have sex with and/or marry a “bitch” or a “ho”, even behind their back. Respecting other people is one of the first steps toward respecting yourself…Ryan.
  3. Gimmicks — a “carpool” or a “cupcake car” — are not necessary to make a good first impression. In fact, more often than not, they’ll backfire and make a bad first impression. All you need is a sense of humor, good hygiene, and the wisdom not to get totally blotto on your date.
  4. Speaking as veteran sex coaches, please don’t take the name of what we do in vain. Calling yourself an “amateur sex coach” as simply a jokey come-on line is an affront, not only to the serious work we do (e.g. watching “The Bachelorette“ with a box o’ wine and then writing snarky commentary on it), but it’s an affront to your date as well: Guaranteed she does not want to talk butt plugs right now. We should know: we’re experts.
  5. Stop touching your hair on your date! Really, please, just leave it alone. It looks fine.
*Or maybe that’s just us.


photo via The Bachelorettes’ Twitter feed

The Best of #DescribeYourSexLifeInATvShow

April 21, 2015


We love it when Twitter puts its collective hive mind in the gutter: Today’s top trending hashtag is #DescribeYourSexLifeInATvShow. Here are some of the best:


Making a Bad Show Worse: Turning “The Bachelorette” Into “Highlander”

March 10, 2015


photos via ABC.com

Well, we’ve made it through another season of The Bachelor. The editors cut the footage with a heavy hand to make us think Chris would ultimately think with his dick and pick the distant, unamused, hot virgin, Becca, instead of the much more sensible choice, Iowa-loving, family-embracing, 100% gung-ho, baby-talking (in ALL senses of the word) Whitney.  It’s one of the great ironies of The Bachelor/ette, that the person who chooses to get engaged at the end of show is at the height of their celebrity, with their dating options exponentially increased to stratospheric proportions — not exactly the ideal time to settle down. But no L.A. model is going to want to become a farmer in Bumblefuck, so perhaps Chris Soules will forgo all the effortless sex his D-list status could offer and stick with Whit. Still, the odds are against it, Arlington or not. We shall see.

Much more of a surprise than Chris’s pick and full-on engagement was the announcement of the next Bachelorettes — yes, plural! With all the talk last week of Kaitlyn unofficially confirmed as the next Bachelorette (much to the chagrin of loyal Britt-ophiles everywhere), we were just waiting for Kaitlyn to be introduced by Chris Harrison, dutifully make her appearance and take her place next in line. So when Britt was invited to crash the party, cheers and moans erupted simultaneously all across Bachelor Nation (did we just use that term unironically?).

Apparently, Britt and Kaitlyn will be joint Bachelorettes. But like Highlander, there can only be one. The two will enter the mansion, but — according to some show rules seemingly yet-to-be-determined by the producers — only one will be left to hand out the final rose. Surely, it will boil down to who is the better liked (or lusted after) by the guys in the house.

It’s a great new gimmick to get people talking about the show — we’re doing it right now! — but here’s why we don’t like it:

The show started off thirteen years ago on seriously shaky sexist ground by having a large group of women essentially fighting over one man. It encouraged and emphasized tired stereotypes about the cattiness and desperation of women. It was only after they turned the tables one year/two seasons later and introduced The Bachelorette that the franchise became much more palatable, revolutionary even. By showing that whole groups of men were just as interested in love and marriage, that they could talk publicly about their feelings too, and that a woman could seriously enjoy kissing (and even having sex with) multiple people just as a man could, the show could actually be accused of being practically feminist!

It wasn’t ideal. For the first several years, The Bachelor seasons outnumbered Bachelorette seasons two to one, giving the impression, perhaps, that producers couldn’t find enough men crazy or stupid enough to sign up for the same humiliation that countless women seemed ready for. And in 2006 and 2007, there were no Bachelorettes made at all, while The Bachelor marched steadily on. Not until 2008 did the two shows achieve equal footing, with one show of each made every year through to the present. The Bachelorette still traded in the old fashioned notion that men have to do the proposing, even though she was basically making the call, but at least for every man who got his pick of the litter on The Bachelor, one woman could do the same on The Bachelorette.

Which is why this gimmick of two dueling Bachelorettes is so disappointing. It feels like a step back for the show. Before, one woman rejected from The Bachelor could have redemption, total attention and complete control on The Bachelorette. The idea of having to fight for or over a man was refreshingly removed from the process. But now, by reinserting this element of competition back into the process, the once elevated status of the Bachelorette has been undercut, marred. To co-opt language usually reserved for elected office, it is beneath the dignity of the position of the Bachelorette.

You could see the disappointment and humiliation in Kaitlyn as she stood there awkwardly next to Britt on “After the Final Rose,” looking down at the ground, biting her lip, forcing those smiles. Britt, having thought she was a no-go as the fifth-to-last out on Soules’s season, seemed just happy to have more air time — hey, two Bachelorettes are better than none for me, the adorbs L.A. “waitress”! But clever Kaitlin, who must have been as certain as we were that she was going to be crowned queen for a season, couldn’t hide her mystification at this lost opportunity, this reneged title, this chance to be rejected all over again. As she admitted last night with this understatement, “It’s not ideal.”

One could argue this turn of television events is no biggie since the show’s done this before, with men. In season 6, the first-night cocktail party featured two potential Bachelors — Byron Velvick and Jay Overbye — and had the ladies decide who was going to stay for the rest of the season (they chose Byron, and he ultimately chose Mary, and six years later they chose to go their separate ways). They put two guys through this ringer, it’s only fair the gals get their turn, right? But it was lame back then, and it’s lame now. And this case feels a bit more cruel, since the two people involved are now personalities that American viewers feel they have gotten to know — whoever loses, their second rejection will be that much more humiliating and, the producers are betting, that much more entertaining. Gross. (But will we still watch? Does Chris Harrison have an unnatural compulsion to explain simple math?)

Let’s just hope that the gimmick doesn’t last, that it doesn’t deliver in the entertainment department, that Bachelor Nation rejects it as an exploitative step too far, and/or that the producers call it quits once they’ve tried it with both men and women. If the gimmick has staying power, then the only way we could feel any better about it is if it’s used across the Bachelor/ette board. It would still be undignified, campy and unrealistic objectification, but at least it would be equal-opportunity objectification.

Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.” 



Top 10 Life Lessons from “The Bachelor” (The Women Tell All)

March 3, 2015


via The Bachelor’s Twitter feed

Last night, we came to the cat fight portion of the season with “The Women Tell All” episode of The Bachelor, in which producers gather together all rejected participants in a room with a live studio audience to watch — and defend — their most humiliating, offensive, mean-spirited and basically indefensible moments. Your mother catching you in your teenage bedroom naked with a bowl of Jell-O would be less awkward. There were new hairdos (Kelsey), new extensions (Carly), new cleavage (Ashley I), and new boobs (Jade) — and we learned that new doesn’t always mean better. We learned a lot of other decent life lessons, too — ten, in fact. Because just watching The Bachelor to make fun of other people’s highly entertaining foibles and personality flaws would not be honorable. Bettering ourselves in the process makes it meaningful. See, this is God’s work we’re doing here, people!:

  1. Live life like the cameras are not watching: be authentic, honest, unselfconscious, and unafraid to ugly-cry. That said, if you’re going to fake cry, do it better than our 7-year-old daughters.
  2. When someone asks you a question, don’t pussyfoot: be direct, forthcoming and honest. (Lady: “Can I ask a question?” Chris Harrison, channeling his inner Christian Grey: “No.”)
  3. Closure is overrated…and often an illusion: you’re never going to hear what you want to hear.
  4. Stealing kisses = a big no no. You must give you’re intended the chance to decline your generous offer of osculation. Otherwise it’s basically mouth assault — even when done by someone old enough to be your mother.

  5. Being a space cadet from your own planet is better than being a Barbie from L.A.
  6. Having a sense of humor is the most attractive quality, not only in the next Bachelorette (Kaitlyn!), but in any human being.
  7. When someone asks you for forgiveness, accept it graciously, even if you think they’re full of shit. You can take measures to distance yourself from them going forward to avoid further harm or hurt, but you’ll have ended things on a positive note, with you looking (and feeling) like a decent person.
  8. The best “Bachelor” drinking game for getting plastered: Drink when 1) anyone says “amazing,” 2) the craziest person on the show does something crazy, 3) the Bachelor/ette kisses someone, 4) tears, or 5) anyone says “the right reasons.” (Credit: the “hardiest” of the party girls Prince Farming and Host Charming busted in on.)
  9. When life gives you onions, use your magical thinking to turn them into pomegranates.
  10. If Chris Harrison can write a novel, so can you.

Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.” 



Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (Iowa + Hometowns)

February 17, 2015


from “The Bachelor’s” hysterical Twitter feed

It’s kind of ironic that “Fifty Shades of Grey,” with its helipads and helicopters and gliders and penthouses and fancy cars, came out the same weekend “The Bachelor” aired its least glamorous episodes ever, featuring the scent of manure in the air, the shuttered businesses of a 400-person town, the fluorescent-lit high-school hallways of one’s glory days, the tattered drapes and 80s-style couches of three-star midwestern hotels… (Seriously, shouldn’t these ladies be traipsing quaint European villages by now?) In a first for the show, the producers pulled back the curtain to reveal the real Bachelor with all the bells and whistles removed — in this case, Chris Soules in his natural habitat, a ghost of a town called Arlington, Iowa. The ladies quickly learned that life with Prince Farming would include fifty shades of corn and not much else. That only one of the remaining contestants expressed a real impulse to run just goes to show how lights, cameras, too little food, and too many cocktails can really impair one’s judgment.

Don’t let your romantic judgment be impaired, either: learn the dating lessons from this week’s double feature of  ”The Bachelor” right here, right now:

  1. Beware the man who’s main method of communication is silent bobble-heading. Also, look out for someone who, when he’s at a loss for words, immediately starts making out just to fill the long, awkward pauses.
  2. Talking shit about other women to your date is unattractive. Only do it if you want to get dumped.
  3. If you feel you are being mistreated in your relationship, by all means speak up and speak your mind to your partner. But do it in private, not in front of other people — especially if those other people are interested in your partner for themselves.
  4. Everyone makes mistakes. Even if you have regrets in your past, own them. Don’t treat them like a mutant half-sister you secretly keep locked in your attic (unless, of course, your regret is enslaving your monster sibling). So, you took some nude photos on a lark — so what? The bigger the deal you make of these kind of mistakes to your date, the worse they’ll seem.
  5. Don’t throw your friends and relatives under the bus in a paternalistic effort to protect them from getting their hearts broken. Let them make — and learn from — their own romantic mistakes.

Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.” 



Top 6 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (The Badlands)

February 10, 2015


from “The Bachelor’s” hysterical Twitter feed

After such a tepid start, this season of “The Bachelor” has really started delivering on the crazy, thanks in part….okay, all thanks to the evil manipulation of events by the hand-rubbing, mustache-twirling producers. Let’s give the jock the short wedding dress during the mud run competition so she’s sure to win the one-on-one date where Chris can unceremoniously boot her off! Let’s force Chris to ditch his other dates and secretly take the one they’re most jealous of to a concert she won’t even like (but the others would have loved)!  Let’s make Chris keep the two craziest ladies in the house long after he wanted them gone just so he can dump them both in the Badlands and escape via helicopter!  We’d feel pretty morally outraged if we weren’t so shamelessly entertained. With all the choreographed drama this week, there weren’t a lot of obvious love and dating lessons to be gleaned, but somehow we managed. After all, we’re professionals:

  1. Even though it feels like you “won’t ever get over” a breakup (Mackenzie), you will. Especially if you’re only 21. Life goes on, and you will too. The more proactive you are about it, the better.
  2. Just because you’ve never experienced something in the flesh, doesn’t mean your first time with it has to be totally uninformed. Whether you’re an inexperienced kisser, a heterosexual intercourse virgin, or a newbie to the Bend Over Boyfriend Kit, do a little research, read up on some tips and tricks, watch some vids for inspiration, and/or practice by yourself. For example, even though Becca may be a virgin, after a great date with obvious chemistry there’s really no excuse for kissing Chris like somebody’s parents would in front of their little kids.
  3. As soon as you feel overconfident about the security of your relationship, that’s when you should really worry about losing it. Overconfidence breeds selfishness, myopia, and lackadaisical loving — three things that are anathema to a healthy, thriving relationship. The person who thinks they “have this in the bag” often has a big-ass hole in their bag.
  4. When it comes to makeup, less is more. Use a light touch when applying foundation. And, for the love of all that’s holy, do not attempt contouring unless you are a professional makeup artist, otherwise you’ll end up looking like you rubbed dirt all over your face for you’re date (which, if your date was in the dusty Badlands, maybe you did).
  5. If a lot of people, including the person you think you’re going to marry, feel the need to point out certain personality flaws to your face, that’s probably a good time to do some soul searching and life questioning, rather than doubling down on the idea of how perfectly unflawed you are.
  6. As much as we understand the impulse (and enjoy watching the resultant visuals on TV), do not revel in the romantic misfortunes of others, because the exact same fate likely awaits you…and soon. Karma’s a bitch (and so is the Bachelor).


Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.” 



Top 8 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (New Mexico Is a State)

February 3, 2015


from “The Bachelor’s” hysterical Twitter feed

Okay, it wasn’t the most dramatic rose ceremony ever (because there wasn’t one), but it was the most dramatic episode of this season so far, for sure.  The Emmy for Best Actress in a Reality Show should go to either Britt (“I want 100 kids! I’m an Angelina-Jolie-hot waitress in Hollywood. but I will totally move to Boonies, USA for this doorknob.”) and Kelsey (“I’m not insane, this is a real panic attack! My husband mysteriously died from….congenital heart failure? Yeah, that’s the ticket!”). There was also the MOST AWKWARD DATE EVER with a new-agey love guru basically encouraging date rape, along with a great behind-the-scenes hotel room bitch fest (Ashley I Wanna Be a Kardashian vs. Whitney Nails on Chalkboard). It’s only a matter of time before Prince Farming punches a hole in the wall — we’re placing bets and holding our breath! In the meantime, let’s review the important life lessons about love and dating from last night’s episode of “The Bachelor”:

  1. We’re sex writers. We’ve talked publicly about oral sex, anal play, even fisting. But even we have a problem using the word “juiciness” when speaking about romantic/sexual relationships. There are just some taboos that should not be broken — this is one of them. (Speaking of the love guru, that was Carrie Brownstein doing one of her characters from Portlandia, right?)
  2. When playing erotically with food, try to avoid making your partner look like a one-and-a-half-year-old in a high chair who just went full-tantrum on a bowl of mashed black beans.
  3. On a date, don’t succumb to any sexual pressure to do something you’re uncomfortable doing, whether that pressure is coming from your date or a sage-burning, irony-free bystander.
  4. That said, definitely try that breathing thing! Sit on your partner’s lap (or vice versa), place your mouths an inch apart, don’t kiss, and just breath in synch with each other (one in, the other out, etc) while touching each other “like you’ve never felt another human body before.” Editors’ note: Be sure to rinse with mouthwash beforehand.
  5. There’s something to be said for seeing yourself through your adoring partner’s eyes, rather than through your own unforgivingly critical ones. At the same time, women shouldn’t need a man to tell them they’re beautiful, give them confidence, or make them feel worthy. Take a compliment, but don’t rely on them.
  6. Never use these three words: “As a man.” Same goes for “Be a man.” There are no moral or righteous actions that these phrases might refer to that couldn’t also be taken by someone with a vagina (except for maybe peeing standing up). Acting like a decent human being is not the sole domain of manly men.
  7. While we’re on the topic of terms to avoid, never refer to another woman as “that.” It’s unkind.
  8. Finally, never use a tragic occurrence in your life to try gain love or sex (or, in this case, a pity rose). Your tale of woe is not a pickup line. Or an excuse to makeout. In fact, it may very well be a boner killer…or a rose snatcher.

Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.” 



Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (Camping, Not Glamping)

January 27, 2015


photo via @BachelorABC (the caption read: “One of these virginities will be taken tonight.” Brilliant.)

The fourth episode of ABC’s “The Bachelor” featured more Emmy-worthy editing, from the tiny violins playing over Ashley “Kardashian’s”s tragic princess soliloquy to the close-up shots of her weave to the sad, foreboding music behind Jillian’s tasteless “Who Would You Rather” inquiry. That said, we would revoke all Emmys for the misleading season teaser they made a few weeks ago which suggested premature pre-fantasy-suite humping happened in a tent. Lying liars!

While the catty interpersonal drama we’ve come to love and expect is a little lacking this season, and Prince Farming’s personality is nowhere to be found, we can still glean some important life lessons about love and dating from “The Bachelor”:

  1. It’s 2014. Can we please dispense with the retro myth that virginity = value? Just because you’ve never experienced the presence of a penis in your vagina does not make you “marriage material.” (And while we’re at it, let’s dispense with that old-fashioned “marriage material” term, too!) Respect given should not ebb and flow in relation to the number of partners a person has had. (Chris: “It makes me respect her more.” Say wha?!) Are you in touch with your sexuality and enjoy sex with open and honest communication? Great! Are you abstaining until you’ve found the right person? Great! But please don’t whip out your V-card and flash it around like it’s a Black Amex.
  2. Lipstick, concealer, bronzer, and contour makeup have no place on a camping date. It’s okay to get glammed up for special occasions (though we’d reconsider the fake, tarantula-leg eyelashes), but a quick run to the corner store to pick up croissants and the Sunday New York Times for you and your lovie should not require three and a half hours of prep in front of the vanity.
  3. Little girls under the age of six can get away with calling themselves “Disney Princesses” — just barely. But if you are an adult woman, you should not consider yourself a princess, expect to be treated like one, or refer to yourself as such in public with zero shame. This is the real world, not Far Far Away; you are a grownup, not a spoiled brat. Self-infantilization is not attractive.
  4. Before this becomes the official Poop on Ashley I. Parade, let’s switch gears: It’s your life and your body, do with it what you want — but when revealing past personal choices, consider the nude modeling slightly more potentially scandalous than the called-off engagement.
  5. It is a HUGE red flag when you gently ask the person you’re dating a legitimate, challenging question and they become so enraged that they cannot form a complete sentence — indeed, they cannot even finish a single sentence. (Verbatim: “I guess, ah, I see two sides, like, a, Kaitlyn has a lot of different facets that are, not, and I don’t, those aren’t, I see the Kaitlyn that’s just, you know what I mean? I mean obviously, I mean if you like her or dislike her, I don’t see, I don’t look at Kaitlyn like being some really, I mean I’m not rewarding inappropriate behavior, you know, by giving roses to people that are, and I, if you view it as that, um…”) When the expression on your date’s confused face reads “Can’t talk, must punch,” it’s probably a good idea to back up slowly and then briskly walk away.
Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.”