Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (Whipped Cream)

It’s tempting to turn this Bachelor column into an ongoing tutorial on how not to be an adult-baby like Corinne. For instance: don’t brag about being a 24-year-old with your own personal live-in nanny*; don’t have a nanny, period; don’t make fantastic claims about the happiness of those in the service industry (especially those paid to serve you); master the “big girl stuff” like doing your own laundry and knowing how to wash a spoon; don’t base your self-worth on whether or not a man gives in to to your desperate attempts at seduction by whipped cream…the list goes on and on. Last night, she even confirmed our theory that she IS Donald Trump by saying “I made Corinne great again.”  And there’s nothing less sexy than the Donald.

You could live a happy, fulfilling life full of love by simply adhering to one simple rule: Do the opposite of whatever Corinne does.  But here are a few more guidelines gleaned from last night’s episode to help keep your love life on track:


1. Leave something to the imagination.

If everyone can see your underwear, what fun is it for your partner to take off your clothes? (Hailey)


2. Even if you’re in a non-exclusive relationship, it’s still polite to avoid playing tonsil hockey with one partner right in front of another.

Though Nick says he’s trying to be respectful of the other women, this seems only to mean he won’t actually penetrate someone with his penis in front of the other contestants. Apparently, all other forms of physical contact are fair game, with him pawing, grinding and licking some contestants in plain view of others (seriously, the man cannot kiss without grabbing butt). We’d recommend these kind of graphic displays of affection not be advertised to the public in general, let alone to the other people you’re currently dating. We believe the official prescription is “Get a room.”


3. Hold their hair back.

If your date gets sick, the kind, humane thing to do is nurse them back to health. Sure, vomit isn’t sexy, but being an empathic, supportive partner in times of trouble certainly is. Bonus points if, after some gum, you still kiss them on the mouth!


4. It’s all right to cry.

If that philosophy was good enough for football icon Rosey Grier on “Free to Be You and Me” in 1972, it’s certainly good enough for Nick Viall (and the rest of us) in 2017. Getting in touch with your emotions and being vulnerable lays the groundwork for building a solid, loving relationship. Don’t buy into the myth of the strong, silent type — those are the guys who end up shooting up malls.


5. Don’t rely on your partner to be your on-call emotional caretaker.

You are all alone in this world, solely responsible for your own destiny. You cannot control how others behave and react, only how you behave and react. Positivity will carry you far; negativity will hold you back. Feeling wronged by the universe when things don’t go your way is one thing; feeling wronged when things don’t go your way because of your own negativity is quite another. Rock bottom is feeling wronged when your imaginary boyfriend doesn’t properly acknowledge you pouting about your own self-induced bad time. In other words, being a party pooper and then admonishing your partner for not picking up your poop is a sure-fire way to get dumped (Dominique).

*Now, in addition to Corinne’s “platinum vagine,” Corinne’s nanny now has her own Twitter account!


Read last week’s recap:
Corinne IS Trump