The cast of The Bachelor left the freezing cold of Waukesha, Wisconsin — hometown of Nick and the two little girls who stabbed their best friend 19 times in a delusional Slenderman ritual — and traveled to the swamps of New Orleans to continue their journey to find out how long their hair extensions could hold up under such unfavorable conditions find love. Throw us some beads and we’ll show you the love lessons we learned from last night’s dramatic episode (which we watched with total focus, completely undistracted by the recent actions of the new administration).
1. When whispering sweet nothings, articulate. Speaking with clenched teeth, as if to keep a mouthful of marbles from falling out, does not make you sound sexy or mysterious; it makes you unintelligible. Being unable to form or finish a complete sentence might make people worry you have dementia. Lacking the ability to talk about anything other than yourself will make you the poster child for narcissistic personality disorder. REQUIRE THAT POLITICIANS UNDERGO MENTAL HEALTH EXAMINATIONS BEFORE TAKING THE OATH OF OFFICE!
2. Show, don’t tell. Merely wishing the person you’re dating will “see your golden heart” won’t make it happen (especially when your heart is more a dishwater grey color). You have to show the person /people you’re woooing that you have a good heart, a virtuous soul, and a neuron-firing brain by acting in ways that reveal them. Just saying you’re the most presidential person ever doesn’t make it so. DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT!
3. Whipped cream and lies are not a solid foundation for a relationship. Maybe just whipped cream, but definitely not lies. Disinformation and “alternative facts” may attract people who want to smell what you’re stepping in, but sooner or later (hopefully sooner) the house of cards you’ve built with your deceit will come crashing down. IMPEACH TRUMP NOW!
4. When blessed with a comped hotel room, don’t waste it on aromatherapeutic mediation: Order room service and take a big-ass bubble bath with a bottle of champagne. Duh. Just make sure you’re not in a Trump hotel, which is a brick-and-mortar manifestation of all of the president’s far-reaching conflicts of interest. Foreign governments may stay in Trump properties to curry favor; American cities may support Trump construction its citizens don’t want just to receive federal funds; Trump may write executive orders that benefit his hotels and other businesses, not American citizens. DEMAND HE SHOW US HIS TAXES!
5. If you ever want to get laid again, do not co-opt the phrase “Make America Great Again” without irony, like Corrine does. Do not repeat the phrase “Make America Great Again” seriously. Do not use the hashtag #MAGA. It’s all code for longing to return to the good ol’ days when blacks were segregated, women were confined to the home, and gays were in the closet. America is already great! MAKE IT GREATER BY RESISTING FACISM WITH THIS PRACTICAL GUIDE, TAKING DAILY ACTION, AND UNFOLLOWING TRUMP!
