American Horror Story, now in its 8th season on FX, trades in sex and blood, blood and sex — often at the same time. Whether it’s a vampire orgy with throat slitting or a BDSM porno with un-consensual dismemberment, AHS likes to mix “little deaths” with big death. And don’t even get us started on all the rape.
So it’s a breath of fresh air when they include the rare tender sex scene with a focus on passion rather than pain. Even if you’re a fan of the show (and it’s over-the-top gore, ya sicko), let these atypical AHS sex scenes from all the previous seasons remind you that the best partnered sex is always consensual and pleasurable.
1. Haunted Honeymoon Sex
Adam Levine and his new bride aren’t your typically honeymooners. Instead of sipping tropical drinks on a Caribbean beach, they get their kicks visiting old, supposedly haunted, often abandoned sites of horror and depravity — and doing it on site. The most disturbing thing about this sex is Levine’s lack of foreplay and use of spit as lube. Serves him right he gets his arm ripped off by a monster minutes later.
2. 1960s Newlywed Lovin’
It’s 1964, when interracial marriages were not looked upon too kindly. So newlyweds Kit and Alma are keeping it a secret. Young, in love, and practically playing house, they let the roast burn in the kitchen while they make sweet love in the bedroom. Too bad Alma gets abducted by aliens immediately afterwards.
3. Desperate Sex Between Inmates
Kit, who’s been wrongfully committed to Briarcliff Manor for three murders (including his wife’s), and Grace, who’s doing time there for killing her sexually abusive father, find temporary solace in each other’s arms…on the counter of institute’s kitchen. But health code violations are the least of people’s problems at Briarcliff.
4. Fertility Sex Ritual
One of the coven’s witches, Cordelia (Sarah Paulson), and her husband Hank (Josh Hamilton) can’t seem to conceive, so they perform a fertility sex ritual. It’s one of the most normal, loving, and typically erotic sex scenes in the entire series (even though Hank turns out to be a cheating, murderous witch hunter).
5. Frankenstein-esque Threesome
Teen witch (and bitch) Madison (Emma Roberts) accidentally kills her fellow witch Zoe’s crush, Kyle (Evan Peters). To make it up to Zoe (Taissa Farmiga), Madison helps bring him back to life with a spell, but not before the two take the best “boy parts” from other mangled bodies at the morgue to create the perfect boyfriend. A love triangle ensues and is eventually — and rather sweetly — consummated together. But with threesomes, someone always gets left behind — so later, a very jealous Madison refuses to save Zoe’s life, which means a heartbroken Kyle has to strangle Madison. Love hurts.
6. Manual Stimulation
Jimmy Darling has a side business. When he’s not juggling with his cleft hands in the circus as “Lobster Boy,” he attends Tupperware-style parties of 50’s Floridian housewives to pleasure them one by one in the back bedroom with his unique digits. Hey, at least everyone’s happy, which is a rarity in the world of AHS. (Though the clip below is in Spanish, you don’t need to speak it to figure out what’s going on…or should we say going in?)
7. Bubble Bath Sex
As the queen vampire at the Hotel Cortez, Elizabeth (Lady Gaga) has grown weary of her latest creation (Matt Bomer), who’d rather stay home and binge watch House of Cards than hunt. So when she gets a whiff of the rage emanating from a bad-boy model (Finn Wittrock), she can’t resist turning him. And within the blink of an eye, Liz and her new flavor of the decade are getting busy in a coffin-shaped bathtub. (We’re assuming vampires don’t have to worry about using protection with lovers they’ve just met, otherwise this scene would be truly scary).
8. Makeup Vampire Sex
Gaga gets back together with her old beau (Bomer) and the two have the most mainstream makeup sex imaginable — no crazy outfits, no third or fourth unsuspecting parties, no violent murder, no fountains of blood. It’s almost boring. Almost.
MY ROANOKE NIGHTMARE
9. Christening the New House
Trying to escape the dangers of city living, Shelby (Sarah Paulson) and her husband Matt (Cuba Gooding Jr.) buy an old farmhouse in the wilds of North Carolina. Settling in one night, they have hot sex in their new bedroom in the dark. The only creepy thing about it are the pig squeals they hear outside in the woods, but the sex is otherwise really quite nice.
10. 18th Century Bathtub Sex
What do you do when you’re in a secret, gay, biracial relationship with one of your servants in the 1700s? You leave your wife and kids behind in Philadelphia and build a mansion in the woods of North Carolina where you won’t be judged, of course. The power dynamics of this relationship make the sex pretty problematic, but the producers at least try to make the aristocrat’s lover a willing participant in the nookie; indeed, there’s genuine tenderness here. Not so much when the aristocrat (Evan Peters) gets impaled by the ghosts haunting his property.