TV
TV
Love Lesson from “The Bachelor”: We’re All Totally Alone in This World

Last night on “The Bachelor,” Nick said goodbye to three ladies: Dolphin/Shark Girl, the bisexual who matches her lipstick to her nail color, and the one with the My First Extensions — basically everyone with a sense of humor. No wonder the rest of the episode was just one big cry fest! The crew left the […]

How To
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (Trump’s First Week in Office)

The cast of The Bachelor left the freezing cold of Waukesha, Wisconsin — hometown of Nick and the two little girls who stabbed their best friend 19 times in a delusional Slenderman ritual — and traveled to the swamps of New Orleans to continue their journey to find out how long their hair extensions could hold up […]

TV
Bachelor Contestants Are Like Trump Voters

After the historic Women’s March this past weekend (and that little, tiny thing called The Inauguration), we couldn’t help but watch this week’s Bachelor with a sense of depression — or should we say, an even greater sense of depression than normal? The women on this show (except for maybe the reasonable Rachel this season) don’t […]

Pop Culture
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (Whipped Cream)

It’s tempting to turn this Bachelor column into an ongoing tutorial on how not to be an adult-baby like Corinne. For instance: don’t brag about being a 24-year-old with your own personal live-in nanny*; don’t have a nanny, period; don’t make fantastic claims about the happiness of those in the service industry (especially those paid to serve you); master […]

Pop Culture
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (Corinne IS Trump)

Last night’s episode of The Bachelor saw the first of the dreaded group dates — harem outings in which contestants are forced to humiliate themselves publicly while often scantily clad or even naked. Think city-street tractor-racing in bikinis, or mud wrestling. People with stage fright, body self-consciousness or healthy self-respect usually have a difficult time […]

Pop Culture
Top 10 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (Nick’s Season Premiere!)

It’s been a long, hard slog getting through the shit storm that was 2016. The only light at the end of this turd tunnel has been the promise of a new season of The Bachelor. As one friend who has been bracing for the Trumpocalypse put it last week: “The prospect of Batch is literally keeping […]

TV
The 10 Most NORMAL Sex Scenes from “American Horror Story”

American Horror Story trades in sex and blood, blood and sex — often at the same time. Whether it’s a vampire orgy with throat slitting or a BDSM porno with un-consensual dismemberment, AHS likes to mix “little deaths” with big death. And don’t even get us started on all the rape. So it’s a breath of fresh air […]

Pop Culture
Our Snarky Summary of the First Presidential Debate

On Monday, September 26th, 2016, at 9pm EST, the Republican and Democratic nominees for President of the United States, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton respectively, came together for their first debate (transcript here). About 100 million people watched the Gathering, when a stroke of a sword would release the power of the Quickening. In the end, there can […]

TV
This TV Show Actually Exists: Expose Your Genitals, Get a Date (WTF?)

What? Tinder’s too slow for you? You’re fine with judging by surface attraction (after all, didn’t Oscar Wilde say only shallow people did otherwise?), but there’s still all that meeting and small talk and general dithering before you get to the Netflix and chill part of  the evening. Wouldn’t you just like to cut to […]

TV
#7FavTVShows…About Sex

1. Girls   2. The L Word   3. Orange Is the New Black   4. Masters of Sex   5. Sex and the City   6. True Blood   7. Bachelor in Paradise   Where’s “Game of Thrones” you ask? Why GOT Didn’t Make the Cut

TV
Asking for Permission to Marry a Woman Is Total Effing Bulls*&t!

Is it the 21st century? Is a woman about to become President of the United States? Do all the best crime dramas feature women in the lead roles (Marcella, Happy Valley, The Fall, The [Swedish] Bridge, The Bletchley Circle…the list goes on)? Yes, women still don’t make the same as men yet — yet — but we’ve come […]

How To
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Thailand Fantasy Suites)

  1. Beware of perfect morning hair.  You can’t have uninhibited sex if you’re worried about messing up your hair (Robby). A aerosol-sprayed, rock-solid coif in the early A.M. after a night of supposed boot-knocking betrays a depth of vanity that rivals Donald Drumpf’s. Intimacy includes being and looking vulnerable: messy hair, no makeup, the […]

How To
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Hometown Drama)

    1. It’s alright to cry. Guys, emotions are your friends. Did you learn nothing from Rosey Grier singing on “Free to Be You and Me”?  Or from Dolly Parton in “Steel Magnolias” when she said “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion”? Okay, first you have to actually get through “Steel Magnolias” without killing […]

Pop Culture
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Don’t Cry for Me Argentina)

Was it because we sacrilegiously watched “The Bachelorette” sans wine for once, or was this episode particularly boring? That milquetoast tango scene was getting dangerously close to jumping the shark. Still, we were able to mine some love-lesson gems out of it for the betterment of humankind: 1. Don’t psych yourself out! Alas, poor Wells! I knew you. You were the kind […]

Pop Culture
Top 7 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Uruguay Is Where?)

We had to wait two long, grueling weeks for the next installment of The Bachelorette, but last night’s reprieve finally, mercifully came. Sadly, it didn’t deliver on the Chad drama we were promised, but instead only made his Neanderthal ways seem somewhat justified in the face of an angry coiffed mob (we hate it when Chad […]

Pop Culture
The Top 10 Laws of Love in the Bachelorette Universe

The reality gods smiled down on us last night and blessed us with a bonus episode of The Bachelorette. Perhaps two nights in a row of juicy, ‘roid-fueled drama made it easier to decipher the strange laws of love particular to the world of The Bachelorette: All dates require a bathing suit portion of the outing. This is non-negotiable, […]