Your Call: My Husband Doesn’t Go Down on Me Anymore

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, about once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below — from a woman whose husband doesn’t go down on her anymore — by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

We’ve been married nearly 20 years, together 25, and yet for much of the past five or so years, my hubby does not show any interest in giving oral. I have a husband who doesn’t go down anymore. I give him plenty of enthusiastic oral (I like giving AND receiving). I’ve stepped up my lingerie even though he swears he doesn’t care. I’ve tried to stay fit and am pretty good compared to my other middle-aged friends. When I ask, he demurs. I really, really miss good oral — and he used to do it. I’ve tried everything I can think of and am still left with my box o’ tools for when he’s at work and kids are at school. Advice,  please!

— Oraless

husband going down

Should she withhold blowjobs? Push his head down? Change her diet? Confront him directly? Just accept that, after 25 years of marital sex, he simply doesn’t want to do it anymore? Are people’s sexual preferences allowed to change over a quarter century?

Tell Oraless what you think in the comments below!


  1. I have this issue in my relationship except I’m not married. I’m engaged.

    I love my otter he’s wonderful. Amazing in fact but everytime I ask him I get a very enthusiastic, “OF COURSE!” but the days, weeks, and months go by and nothing. “When?” I’ll ask. “This week after work!” he’ll reply and again, always nothing.

    He’s done it maybe 4 times in our 5 year relationship and if I ask him if he hates it he always insists no. One day, before we got engaged, I asked if I could start seeing and escort so that I could get what I needed without any strings attached. He told me absolutely no and that he’d start giving what I desired immediately- then it was months before I got it.

    I wrote a long text explaining my desires in order of how often would be amazing, great, good, and enough to hold me okay. “You got it my love,” was his response. Still to this day nothing.

    I’ve explained that this is really important to me and the only way that I can get off and I know that it isn’t that he doesn’t care about me…

    I don’t really know if I have any other way forward. Should I accept the fact that I’ve made a decision that means I’ll never receive oral again? Or should I just discreetly do what I mentioned years ago — see an escort get what I need and call it a day?

  2. In the immortal words of Joe Jackson, “You can’t get what you want/Til you know what you want.” You cannot solve a problem until you know what the problem is. But only your husband can answer that and he’s refused to, and I’m assuming you’ve been very blunt (as per Dave’s suggestion). So make the communication easier. The simplest way is by taking pressure off, so send him an email expressing your concerns and asking him to explain why this is happening in his own email. You may have to do this multiple times. But if that doesn’t work, go to a counselor. [If he won’t do that, you REALLY have a problem and you may need to pressure him (eg, no sex, no food, more complaining: I hate these options).] If he still won’t talk, your issues are a lot more serious than a little pussy wrangling and you need to sit back and examine the entirety of your relationship.

  3. step 1:
    Let him know that oral sex is really important to you. It isn’t clear how blunt you’ve been with your husband based on your comments but be VERY blunt. Leave no room for misunderstanding. You can offer to do something special for him in return if it makes him more willing but it needs to be clear that you really want oral sex.
    step 2:
    If he still isn’t willing after step 1, you probably have a pretty significant marriage problem on your hands. He obviously didn’t have a problem with oral in the past so it is pretty unlikely that it is a problem now. At that point you have a husband who is unwilling to do things for you that you really appreciate and you need to evaluate what else is wrong with your relationship.

    I really hope this is something minor so you can get back to enjoying more sex soon.
    Best wishes.

    1. Also I feel it is necessary to mention that you should not have to evaluate what is wrong with your relationship, or face this marital issues, alone. You should do it with your husband, go to therapy, work as a team. You should not have to put up with a bad sex life, and it is not just your job to fix it, but your partners job as well.

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