Dear Em & Lo: I Hate Receiving BJs

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m a guy and I hate getting blowjobs. Maybe it’s because I had a few too many bad teeth-to-johnson experiences or I’m just a little too sensitive down there, but when a girl starts kissing me all the way down, I grit my teeth and prepare for the worst. It’s finally to the point where I simply flat-out tell the woman whose head is drifting that way to save the energy for other things. The only problem is, now I’m in a committed relationship and my girlfriend feels like it’s her fault I don’t like it, which is entirely untrue. She says she feels guilty when I go down on her and she can’t get me off in return. I’ve been very clear about it but occasionally she will try to surprise me with a “gift” BJ, and I don’t have the heart to tell her no, even though it usually ends up leaving my johnson useless and uncomfortable without any of the pleasure I’m sure other guys get from it. How can I keep her from going down on me? And please don’t tell me to count my blessings because every guy would love it. I’m a guy and I do not.

— Sam I Am

Dear Sam I Am,

Wow. Consider us speechless. We hate to make generalizations when it comes to sex, but if we were forced at gun-point to make just one generalization about sex, it would probably be that every guy enjoys receiving oral sex. And we’re pretty sure that our Wise Guys would have our back there.

But then here you are, and you do not like them, Sam I Am. Not in the dark! Not in a tree! Not in a car! You let me be!

Sorry, we’ll stop now. We’re sure that a useless, uncomfortable johnson is no laughing matter to you. It’s just that, as Julia Roberts once said, very few people surprise us. [Editor’s note: Em inserted that Pretty Woman reference; Lo takes zero responsibility for it.]

As far as our advice goes, we’re afraid it’s pretty simple: You’ve got to be blunt and tell your girlfriend, Dr. Seuss-like, that you don’t like BJs ever. Anywhere. On any occasion. You’ve got to be even more clear than you’ve already been. Keep repeating, over and over, that (a) you’re extremely sensitive and it actually hurts, and (b) this has always been the case for years and years. Reassure your girlfriend that the lack of oral in your life doesn’t bother you at all, and that you don’t feel like you’re missing out. Oh yeah, and make sure she knows that you actually like going down on her — it’s no duty, and you don’t feel like you need to be “repaid” for all your hard work down there.

That said, perhaps you can think of a different nice thing she can do for you in bed, for those times when she really wants to treat you. We understand how the lack of oral sex reciprocity might bother her — bless her, she’s obviously internalized the golden rule of sex! But explain that there are other things she could do that would make you much happier and more turned on. Like, for example…well, that’s your department. Perhaps it’s a back massage or a light spank on the bum or a nipple tweak or just a certain position you really dig. Basically, you need to let her know what sort of “gift” you’d enjoy.

Your only other option is to take advantage of this opportunity of being in a committed relationship and make double-extra-sure, via experimentation, that you really don’t like any blowjobs. If it really is a matter of too many bad teeth-to-johnson experiences, then perhaps you can coach your girlfriend toward a BJ that works for you. After all, one of the upsides of a committed relationship is that you have plenty of time to practice and communicate your needs. Perhaps you could tell your girlfriend that you’re super-super-sensitive and have never enjoyed oral in the past, but if she’s willing to try a few different techniques, you’d be willing to lie back and be her lab rat. (And yes, we realize that 99.9% of the male population is currently laughing out loud at how preposterous this scenario sounds.) Tell her to steer clear of the extra-sensitive head, and to start with soft kisses and gentle licks around the outside, not even attempting to put your sensitive specimen in her mouth yet. Take small steps together and maybe you’ll start to enjoy them a little more. We say this simply because, from what we hear, BJs are a pretty fantastic experience for most men, and it’d be a shame if a few bad experiences in the past caused you to miss out on them for the rest of your life.

But, then again, no pressure. There’s no rule that says you have to like blowjobs. Plenty of women could care less about receiving cunnilingus, though they seem to have an easier time skipping it — perhaps because their partners aren’t quite as giving as your girlfriend. And, of course, plenty of women don’t like giving blowjobs (and would probably line up to date you should things not work out between you and your current GF). So while we’ll resist telling you to count your blessings because your girlfriend wants to give you a BJ, we will tell you to count your blessings because you have an awesome partner who wants to please you in bed. Now it’s up to you to let her know how she can do it. And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed.

Seussily yours,

Em & Lo


  1. I feel the advisor in this piece is greatly underestimating the amount of males who do not like getting oral sex. The number one reason why men do not like getting blow jobs is because, on the the surface, they are the most selfish sex act that there is. There is a very specific reason why a man needs to give oral pleasure to his woman, and that is to warm her up for intercourse. Yes, there are other ways of doing it, but it’s the easiest way, and it can also give her an orgasm or two as well. For me, all I need to do to get erect is to see my lady without her clothes on or to be in bed naked with her. I don’t need her on her knees giving me head like some inferior species, worshipping my cock.. It puts the ENTIRE focus on my penis. The overwhelmingly majority of men in North American society are insecure about their penis size, and this includes the nine inchers
    as well (there is actually an online support forum for men with massive dicks). Unless you are between 6.75 inches and 7.25 inches in penis size in this society, you will likely feel that yours is not good enough, no matter what your partner feels. It is just reality. Penis size is extremely important to most guys. Some guys don’t want the focus of a sex act being placed entirely on their penis. This is the heart of the issue. Men have a belief that the size of their dick, no matter what their partner says, is not good enough, and therefore, they do not wish to have that much attention paid to it. Using your penis for intercourse? Different deal. Your penis is only one part of the operation, and you can try different positions to see what works. But trust me, there are more men that you think who dislike blow jobs. This woman just needs to get over it. It’s like a girl who doesn’t like her hair being pulled during sex. If he doesn’t like BJ’s, he simply doesn’t. Stop shaming him.

  2. Anyone who thinks ALL men like BJs is believing a false-narrative. I’m a dude, and I hate, I mean, HATE getting BJs. Not due to religious reasons, teeth, trust, insecurities, history of bad BJs, etc. No, it’s simply because it isn’t what turns me on. They do quite the opposite, actually. Imagine being in the throws of passion then suddenly your partner stops abruptly, sits up, and wants to talk politics or current-events. It’s like getting hit with a cold shower. THAT is what it’s like for me if my partner decides to “creative” and go down on me. For me, BJs lack intimacy, and is far too passive/boring to be a turn-on for me. “Lay back and relax” they say, well I actually went flaccid as I fell asleep once during one especially long drawn-out attempt when my date insisted that I “just needed to have one by a woman who knows what she is doing”. Rather than relive that experience, I now let women off the hook up front, by directly stating from the very beginning that BJs are not my thing. Honestly, every woman I’ve been with that I’ve stated this to, has seemed relieved as they ALL admit to me how much they hate giving them.

    1. Same here. Became flacid today on my date… Thing is, it seem to be important to her, and she said she needs this giving Bj foreplay to get off. So I’m trying to learn to like BJs, if that is possible… Any suggestions on how to go about this would be appreciated

      1. If you can’t find a way to enjoy BJ’s then you might have to just face the fact that you are sexually incompatible and part ways. But before you get there there are some things to try. Can you handle her licking it? Can you handle her rubbing it on her face and lips? Start slowly and have fun with it! Sex is for pleasure and enjoyment…relax and enjoy that SHE is enjoying your cock!
        Perhaps take more control. Maybe your problem is you don’t think you’ve got enough control.
        Be more aggressive, dominate her. Tell her to suck it, tell her to lick it, feed it into her mouth, slap her face with it. If she gets off on giving oral she’ll likely get off even more from the things I’m suggesting.

    2. I think people should open more of a narrative on oral sex! No one should EVER assume someone will or is supposed to like a certain sexual act. Not all women enjoy having someone go down on them, either. Humans naturally have different sexual desires. Oral sex can be great, but not for everyone! Thanks for sharing.

  3. The fact that the signature is “Sam I Am” and so many references were made throughout the answer makes this the most valuable anything I have found on the internet ever. Thank you.

  4. I’m a guy. I like giving oral. I get absolutely nothing from receiving it – as in, if I’m getting a blowjob, I’m losing my erection as fast as if I were just walking down the street.

    I’m kinda surprised. I really don’t like being the odd man out, and I don’t know how to explain it to my girlfriend either. She likes giving blowjobs a lot, but we’ve had the same problem with anal sex too, and I feel like our sexual compatibility is slipping even if it’s great everywhere else.

    I don’t feel as masculine as I probably should because of this. Two things that almost every guy loves, and they do nothing for me at all.

  5. You don’t know what you are talking about when you say that all men love fellatio. I don’t at all. My wife insists on it both ways. I refused fellatio for years but her demands finally broke me down.
    Naturally I have a physiological response to it. But I’d probably have a physiological response to having a vibrator jammed up my ass and I’m not about to let that shit get started. It was a mistake to let her ever fellate me in the first place. Now I can’t convice her to stop it.
    For a long time I managed to hold off (it’s not hard) and finish up in her vagina but once she managed to hold on to me and force me. I tried to pull away but she hung on. I felt raped. Being forced has left me so that I avoid sex with her until she insists. At least I have not allowed her to bring me to climax in her mouth again.
    Maybe there is a good woman out there who doesn’t want to do fellatio who I could trade her with her husband who loves fellatio? Just kidding (I think) but this is serious.

  6. You know what makes it easier to like something? Being able to choose freely whether to do it (or have it done to you). That means being pressured is not helpful. Whether it is “but everyone else loves it” peer pressure, some jackass saying you owe them, or some well-meaning person telling you to try try again.

    I appreciate people sharing their perspective on how, to them, a blow job is an act that does give the woman a lot of power and is not degrading. And sharing details on how they make it work for them. Good to know.

    But the stuff about how “sad” it is that someone doesn’t enjoy it and how they should try again because they must be getting it wrong. Maybe it’s not meant that way, but it’s pretty condescending. You may not have the same beliefs as the people who go around getting into others’ faces about how they’re going to hell if they don’t accept Jesus as their personal savior, but you’re pushing your views in the same patronizing way. That’s crossing a line.

    Everyone has different preferences, and that’s okay even if their preferences aren’t the same as “most people”. What’s most important in having a healthy attitude towards sex is not “trying everything” (though, if you want to, have at it), it’s knowing your own wants and needs and respecting the wants and needs of others (even if they differ from you).

  7. Wow! I’m still waiting to meet a man, who, like me, just does not like oral sex. At all. Ever. Giving or receiving. Why is this such a problem? Oral sex has become so fetishized in the past 20 years or so, people seem to be so obsessed with this, but I think it’s way overrated. Wish there were a support group fpr all of us who don’t like to go downtown.

  8. OMG! Im so glad to read this post to know im not alone. But my gf seem disappointed that she cant do a good job. 🙁 but its not her fault….

  9. A little late to the party here, but I’m another guy that doesn’t get off on oral.
    Frankly, if you told me I couldn’t have another blowjob again, I would not be sad.
    For me, it’s all to do with technique; most ladies seem to think that the porn style of gagging/deep throating is the way to go and it just isn’t.
    Plus, there’s the whole teeth aspect (I don’t think I’ve had one that hasn’t had a painful moment included).
    They’re seriously overrated…

  10. Wow. I need to get me a guy who hates oral. I found this site because I hate receiving but love giving. Thought there was something wrong with me. Like a previous poster said, it’s like I can’t sit back and enjoy something that I would not do myself. And I cant imagine ever performing cunninculus.

  11. The first time my girlfriend ever gave me a blowjob, it lasted about 5 seconds before i told her to stop, i didn’t “hate” the feeling, it just didn’t appeal to me. I very much love to give oral to a girl, but receiving it is a different story. The first time it happened, was just a horrible experience, lets just say she couldn’t get me off herself. To me, Intercourse is so much better than oral.

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