photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Dear Em & Lo,

My husband and I married when we were 17. On our two-year anniversary, we separated for over six years (we’re back together now). The reason? I can’t have vaginal sex. My OB-GYN says that I have a very rare condition where my cells didn’t form a complete vaginal passage and because of that, my vagina is too short and my pelvic bones grew into the wrong place. She says that is why I feel extreme pain during attempted vaginal intercourse (he’s hitting the bone). There is corrective surgery available but my insurance is saying, “No, it’s not necessary for life.”

This has made my husband very angry and one day he blew up at me saying that he missed having vaginal sex (he was sexually active with other girls while we were separated). He and I have oral sex and anal sex, so we are having sex. Needless to say, his comment hurt me a lot. With the way things are going, I may never be able to have vaginal sex. Should I offer to let him sleep with other women so he can get some vaginal sex? Or am I asking for more problems than I’m trying to fix?

– Two Out of Three

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it) This week, a reader asks Lauri:

Whenever I sleep at my boyfriend’s place, I always have this dream of being caught sleeping with him naked by his parents or his grandmother. And it wakes me up in the middle of the night then I’ll have a problem going back to sleep. I’m kind of scared for that to happen because his family is conservative. Because of that, sometimes I would rather go home late at night than stay there and be worried while I’m sleeping. Is it like a premonition or am I just over-thinking?

Lauri: From what you have told me, it seems that your boyfriend lives with his parents and you often stay the night there secretly, right? In that case, this dream is not necessarily a premonition but rather a warning your inner mind is sending you about a very realistic possibility.

We tend to dream about what is on our mind the most, and when you are at his place, it is very clear that getting caught is top of mind. Being naked in these dreams symbolizes the vulnerability you feel while there that “all will be revealed.”

And being woken up in the dream isn’t just about your fear of actually being woken up but also about your need to “wake up” and realize the danger of the situation. If getting caught is going to jeopardize your relationship, then you might want to make it a habit of heading back home at night in order to preserve the relationship and get that much needed sleep!

Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. Anonymity guaranteed! Don’t forget: you can get access to Lauri’s Instant Dream Decoding Dictionary on her site. And check out Lauri’s new book Dream On It, available everywhere!

photo via Flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What do men really think about cuddling?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Gay Married Guy (Jon Ross): Cuddling is the most amazing thing in the world to do after you’ve come — after having a cigarette or possibly eating a cookie. There is nothing like snuggling up to that person you’ve just had amazing sex with as you drift off to blissful sleep. Of course, if you’re horned up or didn’t come during your little romp, there are few things more frustrating than when your man wants to cuddle and all you wanna do is bang it out dirty style. But overall, I would put cuddling squarely in the “things in life that totally rock” category — and I think most men would too, even if they might be a bit hesitant to admit it.

Straight Single Guy (Adam): It’s hard to make a declaration on behalf of all straight single guys as to what they think of cuddling. However, would you like to guess who likes cuddling, is in touch enough with his feelings to admit it, and — as you can tell from his profile photo — has at least one thumb? This guy!  I personally enjoy cuddling, I really really do, if it’s A) with the right girl and B) not being done while watching any movie starring Sarah Jessica Parker (except Space Camp, because who doesn’t love that flick?).  In fact, I’ve found that my desire level for cuddling can be a good barometer for how much I’m actually into a girl.  If it’s low, that usually means something isn’t right with the relationship.  If it’s high, it means I’m probably going to regret the day I eventually screw it up. P.S. I do have a second thumb.

Straight Married Guy (David Jacobs): Cuddling’s okay when it’s cold. Pretty nice to have a warm body next to you, and it occasionally leads to a little hanky-panky, which is of course a bonus. Post-coitus it’s alright as well, though by then both parties are usually a little sweaty and would rather stretch out and claim some space to cool down and recuperate. Body contact at that juncture usually consists of a stray crossed limb or whatnot. Cuddling? Not so much. I suppose once temperatures have stabilized it’s ok again, but by then someone (me!) is often drifting off, in which case it does’t really last long anyway — at least not that I’m aware of. So generally speaking, what’s my take on cuddling? No strong feelings for or against. When it’s not a nuisance it can be nice, but in limited quantities. I wouldn’t want to spend all day doing it!

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is David Jacobs, a NYC-based photographer; our Gay Married Guy is Jon Ross, who works for a network news program and lives in Brooklyn with his husband and two dogs; and our Straight Single Guy is Adam, a lawyer and native Floridian in his early thirties. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Every month, Dr. Joe DeOrio, a urologist in Chicago, tackles questions about male sexuality. To ask Dr. Joe your own question, click here.

Dear Dr. Joe,

My erection isn’t at as high an angle as it once was (it’s a little droopier). Is there anything I can do to get that standing-at-attention look back?

– Droopy Dog

Dear D.D.,

The firmness of your erection is based upon a number of factors -– nerve stimulation, blood supply, and psychological attitude.  Depending upon your age, deficiencies in any, or all, of these components can lead to weaker erections.  This decrease in turgor will cause your erection to appear a bit “droopier.”  Let’s get one thing straight, though.  As men age, erections weaken a bit – that’s just an unfortunate fact.  While a healthy man should be able to attain erections adequate for sex for his entire life, the strength of that erection is unlikely to be the same at 50 as it was at 18.  So don’t be too critical with yourself.

First off, have you had any recent trauma, especially to the lower back or the groin area?  Have you been diagnosed with any medical problems, especially diabetes or high blood pressure?  Many medical conditions can lead to disruption of the nerve stimulation or blood flow required for an adequate erection.  In fact, erectile dysfunction is known to be one of the first signs of cardiovascular disease, and it is associated with an increased risk for a heart attack in the future.  If you have (or suspect you have) a medical problem, your first step is to have these conditions evaluated and properly treated by a medical professional.

If you are otherwise in decent health, an exercise program can certainly help.  Strong erections require adequate blood flow to the penis.  Just as regular cardiovascular conditioning can improve blood delivery to your heart and muscles, it can also improve blood flow to your penis.  And, if you smoke, quit.  Besides being probably the best thing you will ever do for your overall health, quitting smoking may help you regain that ready-to-go look.

Don’t underestimate psychological factors.  We men are sensitive creatures.  Stress in any form can lead to decreased libido and erectile strength.  Financial difficulties, relationship problems, job pressure, boredom with or lack of attraction to your partner – all can weaken the ol’ fella.  If you think stress is playing a role, attack that problem first, or see a counselor if you have complex issues to address.  A little time off, if possible, may help.  Decreased anxiety is one of the reasons vacation sex is so great.  Alcohol, on the other hand, is not a good solution.  While a drink or 2 may loosen you up, too many drinks can cause “whiskey dick,” and excessive drinking is bad for you in general.

Finally, if none of these remedies help and your erection isn’t firm enough for intercourse (which actually doesn’t like your problem), you may be a candidate for pharmacologic treatment.  Phosphodiesterase inhibitors, such as Viagra®, work by amplifying the neurological signal from the brain.  This signal stimulates increased blood flow to the penis.  While these medications are indicated for those with physiological conditions leading to weakened erections, they also work very well (and are commonly prescribed) for men with psychosocial stressors.  There are a number of contraindications and side effects with these drugs, so see a doctor before using them (check out my article).  By the way, an abundance of “male enhancers” are marketed in nutrition stores and online, but I don’t know of any herbal or over-the-counter remedies that have been clinically proven to improve erections.

So, to simplify: eat well, exercise, get adequate sleep, quit smoking, limit alcohol consumption.  If these measures don’t work – see a doctor.

– Dr. Joe

Dr. Joe earned his undergraduate degree in Molecular Biology from Princeton University. After attending the Loyola University Stritch School of Medicine, he completed his residency training in urological surgery at the Los Angeles County Medical Center. He lives and works in Chicago, IL. Keep an eye out for his upcoming blog at docjoe.net.

photo by stevoarnold

Sometimes the questions we get asked don’t require a long complex essay to answer — to us, they seem pretty cut and dry. But a three-word advice post could read a little cold — it’s all over so quickly!  So we’ve combined a bunch of quickies into one post to provide maximum satisfaction.

My boyfriend and I were having a great discussion about our sexual escapades when he brought up something (jokingly) that totally mortified me: toilet paper in an…um…intimate place. Apparently, not once but TWICE, he’s found small pieces of TP when he was going down on me. Not only do I not know how that happened (I’m usually a very clean person), but I’m not sure how to prevent it short of checking with a mirror or showering directly before. This has me totally freaked out for the next time, though. What can I do to keep this from happening?

Buy more expensive toilet paper.

i just want to say that u girls r so hot.

thx

Does the boy know if you are not a virgin anymore if you have sex with him?

No.

I’ve been doing nude modeling for an art class and I’ve been “standing to attention” mid-way through — it’s incredibly unprofessional and I’m sure no one signed up for that! Is there any cream or any advice that could keep it down?

Think about something unsexy. Try this: President Romney. Or perhaps: Arizona Abortion Law.

Hi, I’m 17, male, and still a virgin, is this normal?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

When your boyfriend is an admitted, avid and long-time frequent “customer” (or, “John”/hobbyist) of prostitutes (providers/escorts) and self-admitted porn addict, is there a snowball’s chance in hell for an average looking woman over 40 (me) to have a healthy happy relationship with him? Meaning, knowing what I know about his past, just how exactly am I expected to comfortably function in a sexual relationship with someone whose frame of reference is 20 year old hard bodies? I’ve been told I look “amazing for my age” (back-handed compliment, to be sure…but I’ll take what I can get) but he can’t seem to get excited by me whenever I try to seduce him. He says he needs physical contact to be aroused. Hrm. Somehow I don’t buy it. I feel he’d have NO trouble whatsoever if I were a 17 year old skinny bisexual hottie with huge tits. (Yes, he’s admitted to liking the teens and I’ve noticed his penchant for huge breasts, which mine are not). So, having said all this (and even though he SAYS he thinks I’m “hot” or sometimes just manages to say that I “look great”) — my question is: am I an idiot? Should I just wake up and realize I’m being played for a major fool and stop allowing myself to be torn up inside with daily self-loathing and insecurity? Or, is there hope, as he says there is? P.S. He’s made it clear to me that his most recent relationship (also an escort) has a better body and was far more exciting in bed. Yippee for me.

Run away. Fast. Don’t look back.

I have been dating this guy for about 3 and a half weeks now, I know it’s not that long but.. it’s starting to bug me how he only calls me at night and never during the day and I always have to make plans for him to come see me, I really want this relationship to last but I just cant get through my mind why he doesn’t call me during the day.. and most of the time when I call him throughout the day he doesn’t answer. What is the problem with that?

Maybe he has one of those, oh, what do you call them again… day jobs.

How come you said in your book that guys can’t look at woman’s breasts? Doesn’t pro-sex mean pro looking at boobies?

Does your mom know you read our site?

Love,

Em & Lo

photo via Flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it) This week, a straight female reader asks Lauri:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 4 years: we live together, have been through some personal crises, and are still deeply in love with each other. We plan to stay together for the rest of our lives.

That said, the other night I dreamt I was pregnant by him.  I was in the 5th month and it showed. I thought that this might explain why I’ve gained some weight and why people always ask whether I’m pregnant (which does happen in real life). In the dream, I was overjoyed, but wanted to take a pregnancy test before telling my boyfriend, just to be sure.

So I bought one, went to the bathroom and…I just couldn’t make myself pee! Most of the dream was about how I knew I would have to pee in order to confirm the good news, but I just couldn’t. I kept thinking that I wanted to be sure about the pregnancy in order not to disappoint him with a false alarm. Then I woke up.

What does it mean?

Lauri: Unless you are trying to get pregnant, pregnancy in a dream usually means there is something new growing and developing somewhere in your life. You have a specific amount of time, 5 months. You should be able to connect that to something in your waking life that has been going on for about that same amount of time. Did you two move in together 5 months ago? Did you start talking about marriage 5 months ago? You may need to put on your thinking cap and see if you can figure this out.

In the dream you want to prove the good news to your boyfriend, which means there must be something you are wanting to prove in real life. Are you needing to convince him you are in this for the long haul? Is there perhaps something you need to prove to yourself? Whatever it is, it seems that you are afraid you are not going to be able to get the job done. As I re-read your dream, I can’t help but think that this may be more about your need to convince yourself of something.

Anyhoo, the inability to pee in the dream may be more about your inability to express yourself in some way in waking life. Typically, the need to pee in a dream is really about the need to relieve yourself of waking frustrations. So I am wondering if there may be a certain level of frustration within your relationship that you — or both of you — need to relieve yourself of in order to feel certain that this relationship is here to stay.

Of course, the inability to pee could also just be your body’s need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and your brain is just making you dream that you can’t pee on the stick as a way to keep you from wetting the bed!

Response from the dreamer: Thank you a lot, first of all. And I do think I have an idea what the
situation might be:

I’ve been working at my master thesis (to finally finish my studies that have been going on way too long now) for about 5 to 7 months, depending on how you count. My boyfriend keeps helping me in many ways (he is about to finalize his PhD and knows about how to go about such a project), but I’m quite stuck, only proceeding in tiny steps. I’m even seeing a counsellor at the university about these problems, who is quite confident I’ll make it.

But still, it’s painfully slow and it hurts almost physically, always doubting my abilities, always trying to discipline myself, never being satisfied with myself. The stress that both my boyfriend and I have due to finalizing our studies and due to especially my reactions to this stress (crying a lot, being quite irritable) of course affects our relationship in some ways, although there is no doubt that we’ll come out of it in June (when we have our deadlines).

Still, I am so deeply afraid of failing, and so afraid of the process of writing itself. Also, deep down, I’m afraid to scare him away or hurt him somehow, although he assures me that there is no such danger. That whole situation is weighing me down.

Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. Anonymity guaranteed! Don’t forget: you can get access to Lauri’s Instant Dream Decoding Dictionary on her site. And check out Lauri’s new book Dream On It, available everywhere!

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What are the top 3 no-no’s for a woman to do on a first date?“ To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Committed Gay Guy (Dwayne):

1. talking about ex boyfriends
2. planning the wedding
3. crying

Married Straight Guy (Jake): This is the kind of thinking that we need to break away from. There are no three top things, three best things, three worst things that will make your first date the best. Checklists that other people create for you can cause neurosis, unnecessary worrying and sweaty palms. This is a battered and bruised cliché, but seriously, just be yourself. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by acting, talking, eating and laughing naturally. Anything else is a waste of time.

Single Straight Guy (Megan): My most recent first date turned into four dates in the same day with the same woman. She broke quite a few rules from my style manual. She made fun of my cardigan. (I still have it and it is pretty atrocious, but still..). She played games when I asked for her phone number. She was a wee heavy on the makeup. She got buzzed and emotional. She accepted a flower from another man. Each of these is a no-no for me. Despite those violations, we had an amazing day. We had lunch together. We went for a midafternoon drink. We met again for dinner. We met back at her place for a late night dip in the hot tub. We would not have gotten past the lunch if there wasn’t something there. We wouldn’t have gone for a drink if there wasn’t something there. We definitely wouldn’t have warmed up the hot tub if there wasn’t something there. If you feel it, ignore your rules. Go with your gut, but know your limits, too. If she had talked on the phone throughout lunch, I would have walked; but she didn’t. Sometimes it’s better to swallow your rules. You’ll learn more about the person opposite you, but you’ll also learn something about yourself. Your palate might just be ready for those brussel sprouts you’ve avoided for so long.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Committed Gay Guy is Dwayne Resnick, a mid-20th-century decorative arts dealer in NY’s Hudson Valley; our Single Straight Guy is The Meeglet blogger Megan, a former librarian whose Men of the Stacks calendar benefits the It Gets Better Project, and our Married Straight Guy is Jake Kulji, a Minneapolis-based freelance writer who blogs at Analogue Living and who has written two Minnesota hiking and camping guidebooks. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

photo via Flickr
Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City and she answers your medical questions every few weeks on EMandLO.com. To ask her your own question, click here.

Dear Dr. Kate,

Every time my boyfriend tries to give me a G-spot orgasm, it feels really good for about a minute. Then I get intense menstrual-like cramps and nausea and he has to stop so I can lay in the fetal position for a while till I can move again. The cramps dont stop for at least a few hours and I feel so stupid when it happens. Please help me!

– G-Whiz

Dear GW,

You’re not the only one who gets pain after orgasm. Called dysorgasmia by some, the pain is caused by intense muscle cramping that can spread to your back or even your rectum, and can last for minutes to hours. Nausea and even vomiting aren’t uncommon with the pain as well. I don’t know how widespread a problem like dysorgasmia is, because it doesn’t appear in the medical texts or literature – I’ve learned more about it from the internet and my patients than anywhere else. For some women it’s a sign of endometriosis, and suppressing their menstrual cycles helps. For others, reducing caffeine and taking an anti-inflammatory (high-dose ibuprofen or naproxen) two hours before sex seems to help. And some women have had to change their birth control method altogether to find relief. If the pain comes anyway, try heat – a heating pad, hot water bottle or soaking in a really hot bath as soon as the pain starts. If none of these measures work, please see your gyno.

– Dr. Kate
Gynotalk

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City. She also lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. She generously shares her medical wisdom with EM & LO readers every few weeks. Check out more of her advice and ask her a question at Gynotalk.com.

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Dear Em & Lo, I’m worried about how much I masturbate and I think I might be addicted. I usually masturbate 3 or 4 times a day. Thanks for any adcvi.

– Sore

photo via flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Do guys ever have elaborate fantasies (Riding a white horse to a naked maiden? Being captured as a porn star’s slave?), or do their fantasies tend to be more prosaic?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Straight Engaged Guy (Mark Luczak): Guys’ fantasies probably tend to be less Fabio-covered romance novel-esque, but that doesn’t mean they necessarily lack in poetic beauty (yes, I had to double-check the definition of “prosaic” — I thought it was an antidepressant). Since we’re stereotypically more strictly visual and to-the-point, our fantasies can run the wide range from “hot co-worker spontaneously jumping our bones” to “hot neighbor spontaneously jumping our bones” to “hot girl walking down the street spontaneously jumping our bones.” If we really want to get elaborate, we’ll mix in a porn star, or two.

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): I think guys can have very elaborate fantasies, but that really depends on his own sexual imagination. I’m sure there are plenty who can only think of a two-girl bisexual threesome and that’s it, but I’m 100% positive there are others who might want to, say, get abducted off the street and brought into a room with dominant women who are going to sexually use and humiliate him to their hearts’ content in very specific ways. The bigger question is: which kind of guy do you want? One with a great sexual imagination, one without, or does it matter?

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I guess I could say something like, “Hey, anyone who’s spent much time in a high-school locker room knows that guys can have very elaborate fantasies.” Or I could point out the healthy percentage of text-based porn written by men. But the real answer is… sure. Sometimes. Just speaking for myself, I’ve sometimes had fantasies that have taken literally all day to compose. But they’re not always elaborate at all. Again, speaking for myself, they’re sometimes almost impressionistic snippets of a single mental image, a motion, a touch, or memory.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Engaged Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University; and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.