photo via flickr

1. A well-designed sex toy can make a fabulous gift.
Birthdays, Mother’s Day, Just Because Day, whenever. Well, perhaps not if you’ve been on just a date or two — but if you’re in the kind of serious long-term relationship where you’ve met each other’s parents and explored each other’s orifices, then giving your partner a sex toy is a pretty awesome way to stand out from the crowd. Sex toy packaging and design has improved immeasurably over the past few years, and classy gift sets look sensual and romantic, like the Adore Me kit by LELO, which comes with a red lipstick vibe, a red silk blindfold, red silk and suede wrist restraints, and a satin storage pouch.

2. Mind games in the bedroom can be the best thing that ever happened to your relationship.
Don’t mess with each other’s heads when it comes to calling when you say you will or showing up on time for a romantic candlelit dinner. But do mess with each other in bed: Play games, tease the hell out of each other, tickle fight, wrestle, take charge, give up control, talk really dirty, choose a safeword and then fight each other off… whatever strikes your fancy. Just be sure to spoon when it’s all over.

3. It’s not nerdy or needy or unsexy to want to learn more about sex.
It doesn’t mean you’re in a rut, either. It just means you don’t want to lie back and think of England in the same position for the remaining decades of your sex life. Check out a book like 150 Shades of Play (by, er, yours truly) for tutorials on everything from bondage knots to dirty talk. We guarantee it’ll be a night to remember (without spending a month’s paycheck at the French Laundry).

4. Lube is not a crutch.
In fact, we happen to think it’s one of the best damn investments you can make in your sex life. Go for a decent water-based lubricant like Liquid Silk.

5. Lovers share their fantasies… but not all of them.
Sharing a fantasy with your partner is an awesome way to show them how much you trust them (you trust them to keep your secret, to not laugh, etc.) — it’s like an X-rated version of that trust-falling game. Plus it tells your partner how much they turn you on. Try sharing a fantasy during sex, whispering it low like dirty talk—and then ask your partner to do the same. Just remember to save a few fantasies for yourself—we all need those!

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• Top 10 Unsexy Things That Can Improve Your Sex Life
• Top 10 Sex Tips for College Students
• 4 Easy Ways to Enjoy Sensation Play

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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. We’re tempted to give this guy a piece of our mind, but we have a feeling that you, dear readers, are more than up to the task!

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m with a woman who has three daughters from different fathers. I’ve known her for a very long time as I’m a family friend — when we both met we liked each other, but never did anything about it. Now we live together but she really likes to have sex. Likes porn, loves to fantasize during sex. I know she has had sex with at least two women and she’s just wild when it comes to sex.

We have good sex (I think) but she never gets enough. It’s not a problem for me as I am more than capable, but it’s bothering me to think she has had lots of sex before me. Am I overreacting? She says it’s never been the same with other partners because she loves me. I find that to be such a BS excuse. I think she’s slutty, just from a guy’s point of view. I don’t know what to think, but I’m not that convinced with this girl. Help Me…

– Too Good to Be True

What’s your advice for Mr. Too Good to Be True? Leave your suggestions (slash ass-kicking) in the comments section below!

photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I’m a guy but I had a dream that I was a girl, but it wasn’t really focused on the fact that I was a girl. I was a girl in a shopping cart on a highway and I was driving the shopping cart with a baby in green blankets in a rectangular box.

Lauri:  Gender-bending dreams are more common than you might think. These dreams aren’t so much about the body of the opposite gender but more about the energy or qualities of that gender. Therefore, you being a girl in this dream may be more about you taking on a more sensitive, caring, or even creative role in your life recently.

The shopping cart suggests that you are in the market for something new in your life, such as a new relationship, a new job, a new attitude, something like that. I believe the baby means that you have obtained this new element in your life and your dreaming mind is showing it to you in the form of a baby so that you will realize this new part of your life requires lots of care and attention, like a baby, so that it can continue to grow and develop into something positive and healthy. And driving down the highway seems to suggest that this new element in your life has the potential to really go places!

Want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning? Lauri’s latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, will give you the tools you need to become a Dream Expert too! Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• My Boyfriend and I Had the Same Dream
• I Dreamed I Kissed My Friend, Am I Bi?
• Dreams About My High School Sweetheart Make Me Cry

photo via flickr
Get Personal Advice Publicly on EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years now and we love each other very much, but she is way more into sex than I am. I try to match her libido but she is still too much for me. She also likes to use sex just to pleasure herself or relieve stress, but she’s been getting too restless as the years go by.

I use sex to have fun with her and amplify my love for her but I just can’t keep up and now sex feels like work instead of fun. All I can do is tell her to calm down but I know something else needs to be done. I’m actually getting worried that we may break up because of our differences. I don’t know what to do — can you please help?

– Be Careful What You Wish For

Dear B.C.W.Y.W.F.,

First of all, we should admit straight out that we don’t have an easy answer for you — in fact, the main reason we chose to answer your letter is because we felt like it would help so many people to read it. Wildly different libidos is one of the most difficult obstacles to overcome in a relationship (well, that and the whole porn issue), but too many people assume that libido problems are all about men wanting sex more than women. In fact, we receive just as many — if not more — letters about the opposite problem, i.e. yours — women wanting sex more than men.

In part this is simply a factor of the way male and female orgasms work: Most men can climax at the brush of an elbow, so sex is pretty awesome for them from day one of a relationship — and, in fact, because they know they can climax at the brush of an elbow, the desire to experience an orgasm with someone else can be particularly strong. Many women, on the other hand, don’t climax with a partner until they are deep into a relationship — when they are completely comfortable with the person, when their partner has learned their body inside and out, and whey they have figured out together what makes her tick. Which means that for many women, sex keeps getting better as a relationship progresses — which might make her want more of it as time goes on.

Which is not to say that sex can’t improve for a guy, too, as a relationship progresses. For one thing, the more comfortable you are with each other, the more you might be willing to experiment more (and if that’s you, then you should definitely check out our book 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink!). Also, we like to think that guys enjoy sex more when their partner is clearly enjoying herself more.

Anyway, back to your situation. First of all, it’s not clear from your letter whether or not your girlfriend masturbates. Does she? If not, she needs to! Masturbation is an awesome way to relieve stress and pleasure yourself — especially when your partner isn’t in the mood. Perhaps you could treat your girlfriend to a new toy for her alone time to let her know that you fully support her in her self-love habit! Toys made by LELO like the Smart Wand or the Nea Vibrator are gorgeously packaged (i.e. perfect for gifting!) and are designed to appeal on an aesthetic and a sensual level — and they’re hardly phallic, either, so you won’t feel left out! (Though if you do, the Nea happens to work perfectly between two bodies during intercourse, FYI.)

Outside of masturbation, it’s all a matter of compromise. Face it — most couples don’t have exactly matching libidos. That’s just not possible — especially considering the way everyone’s libidos wax and wane over time. So this means that sometimes one person will end up having sex when they’re not exactly in the mood, and sometimes the other person will have to sneak off for some self-love time or just take a cold shower. As long as there’s a bit of both in the equation, and as long as you’re both comfortable with her self-love time, you should be able to find some common ground.

And if you can’t? Well, that’s something only the two of you can decide on together. You should definitely talk to her about your concerns now, and let her know that you want to make this work. Figure it out together. Try all of the above, and if, after all that, you’re still not happy, it might be time to set each other free.

The truth hurts (but divorce hurts more),

Em & Lo

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• Wise Guys: What If Her Libido Is Higher Than His?
• Why Won’t My Boyfriend Sleep with Me?
• Do Men Want Sex Less As a Relationship Progresses?

Lelo’s Tantra Feather Teaser

Sensation play might as well be called sensational play. After all, sex shouldn’t always be rub, climax, rinse, repeat. Add a little subtlety to your sexuality and you get sensuality, the driving force behind “sensation play.” It’s notoriously been the domain of sensitive ponytailed men and earnest granola chicks who own speculums, but it doesn’t have to be. No matter whether you have a sense of irony or not, experimenting with different textures and temperatures, both on and around your erogenous zones, wakes up your body to new experiences and surprises your nerves with the unexpected. So here are five easy ways to try it out in the bedroom:

1. Ice Cubes. One of the cheapest, most readily available sex toys there is. Perfect to perk up lazy erogenous zones on a hot summer day. But remember, safety first: you don’t want anything to go numb or turn blue. And be sure to use the cubes externally only, lest they tear delicate internal linings. For sillier sex, get this Pecker Ice Cube Tray.

2. Candle Wax. Why should goths have all the fun? First be sure to use a soy candle or a made-for-play massage oil candle. (Absolutely no scented, colored or beeswax candles — they burn way too hot!) Blow the candle out before dripping the wax; test the wax on the back of your hand first; once the wax hits your partner’s skin, rub it in to disperse the heat; do not drip the wax on your partner’s face or delicate mucous membranes (you know, those areas where STDs and infection get passed the most). But if you’d like clean up a little easier, go for a nice massage candle where the wax turns into massage oil.

3. Feathers. Sometimes the lightest touches can elicit the most intense tingles. A single feather, a feather tickler with a handle, or even a feather boa work well. (We must insist that if you use a feather duster, it must be brand new and never used for actual cleaning. Faux fur is probably a better substitute. ) For a dramatic contrast of sensations, combine it will the delightful sting of a little spank on (only) the plumpest part of your partner’s bottom.

4. Blindfolds. It’s not the sensation of fabric against your eyes that’s important here; it’s the fact that limiting one sense (sight) can heighten another (touch). When you don’t know what’s coming, the feeling when you actually get it is that much more intense. Proper blindfolds are nice, but if you don’t have one handy, a soft scarf will do (just tie it on the side so they don’t have to lie on the knot). Combine with some headphones to drown out your sense of sound, and you’ll multiply that intensity. Hey, it worked for Anastasia Steele!

For more on sensation play, first-time spanking, and other kinky endeavors, pick up a copy of 150 SHADES OF PLAY, on sale now at Amazon!

This article originally appeared on

photo via Wiki Commons

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

Dear Em & Lo,

Intellectually, I get porn and how it works for guys. I myself like the occasional erotica collection. But emotionally, I still can’t help but feel really bad when I stumble upon some of my live-in boyfriend’s “smut.” We have a sort of don’t ask, don’t tell policy regarding porn, but it’s hard to hide 100% of the time. Most days I can forget about it — a sort of forced denial — but when I really think about it, it just depresses me. Sometimes I wonder if it negatively affects our sex life: if I’m not in the mood, he turns to porn, he gets satisfied there, then doesn’t initiate sex with me, and he keeps not initiating sex with me because porn will always be in the mood. I just came across this Male Anti-Masturbation Movement thing via your site and can’t help but wonder if something like that might be good for our relationship — if he took a break from porn and focused on me, I’d feel better about the sex and not just feel like a porn substitute, which would make me want to have sex more. I’m not saying “ban all porn!” I’m just wondering if you agree that a porn diet might actually benefit our relationship…? And if so, how I should go about suggesting it…?

– Torn About Porn

What should T.A.P. do? Let her know in the comments section below.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. This week, another reader continues the running Sapphic theme and asks Lauri:

I have recently been diagnosed with depression and am currently on prescription medication for it. But for the last couple of months, since I’ve been taking these meds, I’ve had the weirdest dreams.

I keep dreaming that I’m being hunted down by a serial killer. Some nights I dream that he finds me and threatens me with a gun while he rapes me. Other nights I dream that I commit suicide just to make sure he doesn’t find me. He does horrible things, like crushing the heads of baby animals… I once dreamed that he made me have sex with another woman. I am not gay. This was terrible… I do not know who he is, but it is the same guy featured in every dream.

Please help me understand why I am having these dreams? Apart from the depression, that was triggered by the traumatic birth of my daughter (she is a healthy 9 months old now), I am happily married with the normal toils of everyday life, nothing spectacular. I keep thinking about my dreams during the day and they seem to make me even more depressed and are hindering my work as well.

Lauri:  Many prescription medications affect REM sleep, causing you to be in REM longer than normal and also causing your REM time to be more intense. That’s not to say that your dreams during this time should be dismissed as a side effect so I am glad you are seeking out their meaning.

The murderer in your dream is most likely your depression. It hunts you down daily and is killing off who you really are. He also rapes you because rape in a dream is really about you feeling screwed over in real life. The depression has really  f***ed with you, hasn’t it? He crushes the heads of baby animals because this is all going on in your head. It’s crushing the joy out of your life.

The other woman most likely represents you not feeling like yourself. You are a different woman than you used to be and the sex symbolizes that you are merging with this unfamiliar person: the depressed you.

Don’t let these dreams cause a vicious cycle within you. Understanding them will certainly take the fear out of them. In addition, it may take a little time for the meds to kick in. If the dreams don’t change and they are still freaking you out, then by all means, ask your doctor to change the medication. Let us know how things work out for you!

Want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning? Lauri’s latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, will give you the tools you need to become a Dream Expert too! Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• My Boyfriend and I Had the Same Dream
• I Dreamed I Kissed My Friend, Am I Bi?
• Dreams About My High School Sweetheart Make Me Cry

10. No way, you had spinach for lunch too?!

9. I think I swallowed your filling.

8. Thanks, I’d been meaning to floss.

7. Care for a mint?

Read the rest of this entry »

photo by kreetube

Advice from three of EM & LO‘s guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Ask the Wise Guys Your Own Question!Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them.  You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,’” even when you’d rather not wait?  Men get that too.  Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway.  Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway?  Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.
Read the rest of this entry »

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

Dear Em & Lo,

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than 3 years now. We met and quickly fell in love. He left his current girlfriend for me and we had what I would call the best first year. I was a virgin when I met him and despite not knowing anything about sex, our sex was passionate and amazing. However, everything seemed to go downhill from then.

The 2nd year and the 3rd year we started to get in a lot of arguments. We broke up frequently. He cheated on me once and slept with another girl when we broke up, and I think we have been very confused about our relationship.

We’re together now and I think we have been much more honest and open with each other about our problems. I finally had the courage to speak about our sex and I explained to him that I didn’t feel ‘loved’ when we had sex anymore. When we have sex these days it usually feels very mechanical and unsatisfying. I’m very confused about whether this is a “fixable” matter. I love him and have no doubt that he loves me and I don’t understand why sex would feel distant and unsatisfying with the one I love. I don’t think it’s a matter of technique. To be honest I don’t think better techniques would make me feel loved or satisfied.

Em & Lo, what do you think? Do you think it’s too late? Do you think we should break up and start over with someone else? And most importantly, what’s going on with our sex life!!?

– Going Through the Motions

What should G.T.T.M. do? Leave advice for her in the comments section below.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• How Do I Re-Enter the Dating Pool?
• How to Let Someone Down Easy
• Do I Need to Sleep with Someone New to Get Over My Ex?