4/24/13
Comment of the Week: How to Get Past His Porn Habit

Reader M said the following in response to our post “Your Call: Is Getting Him on a Porn Diet Realistic?

It sounds like the issue here is not about the porn, it’s about you feeling like a “porn substitute.” Part of this is something you need to work out on your own. This may be because of how your partner treats you sexually (if so, that’s a sign to DTMFA), but let’s assume that’s not what’s going on here.

There are several ways for you and your partner to work on this together. Just a “porn diet” I don’t think will work, because he will still watch porn and you will still feel bad about it, it might delay the problems you two are having but it won’t solve anything. These are some suggestions to try for a couple weeks and see if you feel more comfortable about porn.

  • You should have a conversation with him now about what makes you feel bad when he watches porn. That way he can know that those are difficult points for you and help you feel more attractive/secure/whatever.
  • I also recommend looking into feminist-created porn. It’s always a good thing to do (and may make the porn he’s watching a little more palatable for you)

1. If the problem is you worry he would rather watch porn than have sex with you:

  • He can watch porn all he wants, but only if he asks you if you’re in the mood first. And when you talk about porn he should remind you that it’s a poor substitute for the awesome sex he has with you.
  • This only works if you won’t then feel pressured or bad if you say no and then he watches porn.
  • There will be times when sex is too much but he still wants to watch something sexy – you either have to be okay with him asking if you mind him watching (you can discuss: either solo or with you) on occasion or him watching and promising to cover his tracks really well.

2. If the problem is you don’t feel as sexy as the porn stars:

  • He can watch porn but only with you. If you realize how sexy he finds you while he’s watching porn, you will not feel so threatened by it.
  • If you pick this one, you should have a pre-discussed contingency plan if you get upset by the porn.

3. If you just don’t feel ready for #1 or 2:

  • Try out reading your erotica together.

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3 Comments on "Comment of the Week: How to Get Past His Porn Habit"

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grainne
grainne
1 year 9 months ago
I do not understand why good sites (as opposed to sex columns oh MSN, Yahoo, etc) such as this do not differentiate between the many different types of pornography–not all of it is degrading, bestiality, fake orgasms and so on. I did see 1 article on this site about feminist pornography, which is wonderful. I’m talking about articles like, “ways to get past his porn habit” instead of addressing how many women and girls might not really care that their men look at it, if it did not affect their thinking about what most women find pleasurable. Dave Lampert, inventor… Read more »
Kendra Richard
2 years 5 months ago
Or… Why is no porn not an option on this list, which was created for someone who is not exactly in favor of porn. I find this to be very un-feminist and quite frankly, totally male-dominated advice. Basically, you’re telling the person who’s uncofomfortable with porn use to force themselves to become okay with it. Tell him to “cover his tracks?!” So, hide it and pretend the problem does not exist? Yep, that’ll make for a great relationship. And when he’s out screwin’ someone else, just make sure he covers his tracks well there, too, right? Why was “if you’re… Read more »
M
M
3 years 12 days ago

🙂

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