Did you know that this week is the thirtieth anniversary of the Saturday detention in the 1985 movie The Breakfast Club? Thirty freakin’ years! Man, we’re old. Not only do we know the entire movie by heart, we could even recite for you the differences between the original theater version and the dubbed-for-TV version (wherein “eat my shorts” became “eat my socks”… which sounds way dirtier, if you ask us).
In honor of this momentous — at least to us — occasion, we decided to imagine who would probably get cast if The Breakfast Club were remade today. Note: We think that remaking this movie would be a terrible thing to do — sacrilegious even. We’ll say that one more time: Hollywood, please don’t do it! Our best guesses at who would probably be cast should tell you why.
The Brain (nee Anthony Michael Hall): Michael Cera
Okay, so of all the possible re-casting decisions that could befall a remake, this one at least has a little potential. Cera could probably pull off the nerdy weirdness of that anecdote about borrowing his cousin’s shoes for a wedding. But deep down, we’d all know that he was really kind of a cool funny dude. Whereas we actually believed that Anthony Michael Hall had worn those creepy borrowed shoes.
The Athlete (nee Emilio Estevez): Channing Tatum
While we’d love to see Channing Tatum defend wrestling “tights” as the “required uniform,” we’re not sure we buy him having any inner sadness about his jock status. Nope, he seems pretty happy being a jock.
The Basket Case (nee Ally Sheedy): Kristen Stewart
Kristen Stewart wears a lot of black and she wears sneakers to red carpet events and she chews her hair and she gets vague blank looks during interviews. None of which adds up to interesting or rebellious in our book.
The Princess (nee Molly Ringwald): Selena Gomez
She’s so perky! She’s so pretty! She not-so-secretly loves bad boys (emphasis on the boy, Bieber). But can she do the Molly? Also, Selena is totally not a fat girl’s name.
The Criminal (nee Judd Nelson): Shia LaBeouf
Plagiarism is a crime, okay? And we could kinda see Judd Nelson’s Criminal doing that whole paper bag over the head gimmick. But watching Shia and Selena mash faces in the supply closet just wouldn’t get us all tingly in the right places (we mean our hearts, people) like watching Molly and Judd.
Okay, so we know this was kind of a straw man argument. We created a flimsy cast and then shot it down. But you just know this is what it would look like if the movie actually got remade! If you could remake it with anyone, who would you cast?