The Bachelorette
TV
Asking for Permission to Marry a Woman Is Total Effing Bulls*&t!

Is it the 21st century? Is a woman about to become President of the United States? Do all the best crime dramas feature women in the lead roles (Marcella, Happy Valley, The Fall, The [Swedish] Bridge, The Bletchley Circle…the list goes on)? Yes, women still don’t make the same as men yet — yet — but we’ve come […]

How To
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Thailand Fantasy Suites)

  1. Beware of perfect morning hair.  You can’t have uninhibited sex if you’re worried about messing up your hair (Robby). A aerosol-sprayed, rock-solid coif in the early A.M. after a night of supposed boot-knocking betrays a depth of vanity that rivals Donald Drumpf’s. Intimacy includes being and looking vulnerable: messy hair, no makeup, the […]

How To
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Hometown Drama)

    1. It’s alright to cry. Guys, emotions are your friends. Did you learn nothing from Rosey Grier singing on “Free to Be You and Me”?  Or from Dolly Parton in “Steel Magnolias” when she said “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion”? Okay, first you have to actually get through “Steel Magnolias” without killing […]

Pop Culture
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Raining Men in Argentina)

  1. Small talk is an art form. In the car ride with Alex and JoJo to the goucho ranch, the silences were more painful than slamming your thumb in a car door or listening to the entire Rick Astley discography. You know things aren’t going well when your date moans like a cow in labor because […]

Pop Culture
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Don’t Cry for Me Argentina)

Was it because we sacrilegiously watched “The Bachelorette” sans wine for once, or was this episode particularly boring? That milquetoast tango scene was getting dangerously close to jumping the shark. Still, we were able to mine some love-lesson gems out of it for the betterment of humankind: 1. Don’t psych yourself out! Alas, poor Wells! I knew you. You were the kind […]

Pop Culture
Top 7 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Uruguay Is Where?)

We had to wait two long, grueling weeks for the next installment of The Bachelorette, but last night’s reprieve finally, mercifully came. Sadly, it didn’t deliver on the Chad drama we were promised, but instead only made his Neanderthal ways seem somewhat justified in the face of an angry coiffed mob (we hate it when Chad […]

TV
The Subtle (and Not So Subtle) Racism of The Bachelor

The main theme of the third week of Ben Higgin’s season of the The Bachelor — aired on the observation of Martin Luther King, Jr’s birthday — seemed to be not love, but racism. The racism of the female participants, of the show’s producers and of us, the viewers. The Bachelor/ette franchise has long been accused […]

How To
How to Watch “The Bachelor” with Your Wife or Girlfriend 

The start of the 4,532nd season of The Bachelor means my wife has reinstated her ongoing Bachelor viewing parties with some of her female friends. Rather than rolling my eyes and hiding out in my non-existent mancave, I crack a beer and settle in next to her on our couch…because I love my wife, because […]

Pop Culture
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Kaitlyn’s Finale)

We always get a little case of the post-Bachelor/ette blues when a season comes to an end. Over the course of 3 months, we’ve learned so much about love and lust, what to do, what not to do, who to do, who not to do… At least we have less than a week until “Bachelor […]

TV
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (The Men Tell All Episode)

1. Male Feminists Are Sexy Within minutes of the show’s opening, host Chris Harrison said “sexist double standard” and we swooned. Later on in the episode, he even referred to “gender roles” when discussing, euphemistically of course, the fact that Kaitlyn slept with Nick before the Fantasy Suites. Every season has its theme, and we […]

TV
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Fantasy Suites!)

In the world of “The Bachelorette,” euphemisms for sex are a dime a dozen — contestants talk about “really being together” and “being alone” and being able to “focus on each other,” when what they really mean is, having sex like bunnies once the cameras are turned off. In that spirit, we will refer to […]

Pop Culture
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Killarney)

1. Get your hands out of your face. When you’re talking about your romantic feelings to the object of your affection, don’t constantly touch your face and cover your mouth and slur — it makes it seem like you’re hiding something…like you’re a liar and this is your tell (Nick).   2. Have some dignity when […]

TV
Top 10 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Ireland)

1. Cheating on your wife won’t just mess up your marriage — it could seriously impact your future relationships, too. Because at some point, your new girlfriend is going to ask, “So, er, hey, what happened with your marriage?” Then you’re going to have to admit that you cheated on the mother of your child. And the chances […]

Advice
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Dublin)

  If you constantly have to talk about how smart/cool/deep you are to your date, then you are none of those things. As your 9th grade English teacher at Deerfield should have taught you: show, don’t tell.   PDA should have some limits. Yes, you’re out and about on an amazing date in a cool […]

TV
Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (San Antonio)

Don’t suffer through an outdoor date if the weather is bad. We don’t care if you’ve rented out CitiField for the evening: if it’s colder than a witch’s tit outside, jog once around the bases and then get yourselves inside to a deluxe box and stay there! Adapt to the situation — it’s what helped […]

Pop Culture
Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelorette (Kaitlyn Takes NY)

  JJ thought he’d score points with Kaitlyn and the community, oddly, by embracing “bros before hoes” and, we guess, “bros before foes” ideology when he told Clint to apologize, not to her, but to the other guys in the house for being a Bachelorette-bogarting douche. However, all he did was earn the derision of his castmates — […]