Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Raining Men in Argentina)

1. Small talk is an art form. In the car ride with Alex and JoJo to the goucho ranch, the silences were more painful than slamming your thumb in a car door or listening to the entire Rick Astley discography. You know things aren’t going well when your date moans like a cow in labor because the drive feels so long. To paraphrase Einstein: Drive with Alex for a minute, and it seems like an hour; drive with Luke for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity. Alex could have vastly improved the situation if he’d been better versed in the art of conversation. “I like those trees” is not exactly soul baring, or even remotely interesting. On a date, be engaged, be inquisitive, be curious. You don’t have to fill every silence, but be prepared with some good questions and some fun anecdotes.

2. There is an order of operations when it comes to declaring love. The following lines should be said in this order:

  1. I really, really like you.
  2. I love you.
  3. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Poor Chase. Unfamiliar with expressing his feelings, he skipped right over #2 and went straight to #3.  The result was emotional gobbled-gook. How can you know you want to marry someone and spend a lifetime together before you’ve even realized — and said — you love them?

3. A man expressing his feelings is sexy. In sharp contrast to Chase, Luke owns his feelings with confidence. He shares them without hesitation with JoJo and without ever oversharing. She even said he does this like most men can’t, which really sets him apart. No wonder she wants to jump his bones. Guys, watch and learn.

4. Getting dumped with dignity shows real character. Nobody likes being rejected: it’s humiliating and depressing and deflating. Our finest hours are rarely in the immediate aftermath of getting our hearts broken. But James Taylor Jr. set a great example of how to exit a relationship gracefully, even when it’s your ass being kicked to the curb (literally, as in the case of “The Bachelorette”). Even though he was sad, he was not sadistic; he wished JoJo well and secured his place in the hearts of many single ladies all across America. Alex, on the other hand, showed us all how not to take the boot: pouty and robotic, with the eye contact of a blind chameleon, Alex may as well have stomped his feet and collapsed into a cross-legged lump on the ground, refusing to get in his exit chariot (in this case, a beat-up pick-up truck with a roll-bar…wha?). When getting dumped, act in a way that might make your ex regret breaking up with you, rather than a way that confirms they did the right thing.

5. The Tingler is the most underrated sex toy ever. Have you ever used one? If you have, then you’ll know it invigorates nerve endings all over your body in delightful and unexpected ways. Just listening to the sensual sounds it evoked from JoJo should be enough to convince you. Invest in this affordable head massager, and you’ll be a convert. Not to overstate things, but it’s erotic potential is unparalleled.

See Our Love Lessons from the Previous Episode of “The Bachelorette”