Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Don’t Cry for Me Argentina)

Was it because we sacrilegiously watched “The Bachelorette” sans wine for once, or was this episode particularly boring? That milquetoast tango scene was getting dangerously close to jumping the shark. Still, we were able to mine some love-lesson gems out of it for the betterment of humankind:

1. Don’t psych yourself out! Alas, poor Wells! I knew you. You were the kind of guy who’s smart and cute and funny but not totally comfortable in your own skin, whether because you’re still so very young or because you’re surrounded by a bunch of meatheads who spend more time working on their abs than they do pondering quantum physics. Even if you don’t have genuine confidence, fake it til you make it (this Ted talk says that’s just as effective). Putting all your eggs in one basket, building something up to such great heights, worrying about being perfect — these are things that increase the risk of disappointment. Avoid them and your makeout sessions will be greatly improved.


2. Get a room. Daaaaammmmmmnnnn, Luke and Jojo. Is it hot in here or are you two just auditioning for roles in Skinemax’s next  “After Dark” movie? We get it: you’ve got sexual chemistry. And we understand the Fantasy Suite episode is still a few weeks away. But to paraphrase that famous Mrs. Patrick Campbell quote, while we don’t care what you affectionate people do, don’t do it on set and frighten the crew members. Ok, this is television, public dry humping is practically a requirement. But in real life, passersby should not be the unwitting witnesses to your fully-clothed almost-orgasms. PDA is like tongue: less is often more.


3. It’s alright to cry. Don’t let the producers’ cruel juxtaposition of Derek sobbing with Soledad Pastorutti singing “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” just for a cheap laugh fool you. When you get dumped — whether you’re a woman, a man, neither or both — it hurts like a mutha. It’s okay to be sad and express that sadness through tears. In fact, it’s normal, healthy and therapeutic. Okay, maybe not on national television. But in real life, no one with a heart would begrudge you some waterworks, even if you’re an overgrown muscled-up macho dude who awkwardly refers to himself in the third person. Getting in touch with your emotions no matter your gender can only make the world a better place, especially when it comes to love. (How much do you want to bet the producers fed Derek the line “Don’t cry” and high-fived each other in the control room, a la “UnREAL”, when he actually said it out loud? That was some “Bachelor in Paradise” editing right there.)


Don’t prolong a breakup just to be nice. JoJo pulled a fast one during the rose ceremony, apologizing to the last men standing (About-to-Pop Alex and not-THE-James-Taylor), saying “I just couldn’t hand out that final rose,” only to then have Chris  “Mr. Belvedere” Harrison deliver two — count ’em, TWO! — roses on a silver platter. Pretty sneaky, sis. But why prolong the inevitable? Either of these guys making it to the Fantasy Suites is about as likely as Chris Harrison describing any future finales as “fairly lukewarm in the drama department.” When you know deep down it’s time to breakup with someone who isn’t right for you (i.e. doesn’t make you cream your pants like Luke), don’t drag it out, in some maternalistic, patronizing hope of coming across nice or fair-minded. Like a Bandaid, rip that shit off faster than you can say “for the right reasons”! You can rip with kindness, just not hesitation.


Never accept a metaphorical “pity rose.” Just as you shouldn’t offer the real life equivalent of a pity rose, you shouldn’t accept one either. Alex had self-awareness to realize he was being given a “pity rose” (his terminology, in a short-lived moment of inspired genius), but not enough to reject it. He knows this isn’t going anywhere, which is the time to walk away with dignity and self-respect, not to have a baby-breakdown whining about wanting to feel wanted. Pity roses are not licenses to throw pity parties.


See Our Love Lessons from the Previous Episode of “The Bachelorette”