Top 10 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Ireland)

1. Cheating on your wife won’t just mess up your marriage — it could seriously impact your future relationships, too. Because at some point, your new girlfriend is going to ask, “So, er, hey, what happened with your marriage?” Then you’re going to have to admit that you cheated on the mother of your child. And the chances of your new girlfriend sticking around after that — especially if she has already admitted that her greatest fear is being cheated on — are slim to none. No rose for you buddy, sorry. (Oh, and a side note: If you’re going to admit to cheating on your wife, have a little dignity and put on a pair of socks with your boat shoes first, please.)

2. Jealousy and insecurity can be a huge turn-off. Especially when it’s been  made abundantly clear to you that this is not a monogamous relationship — at least, not yet. When Shawn showed up at Kaitlyn’s room, she was terrified he was going to mention the fact that she slept with Nick. She was teary and contrite. And then when she realized that Shawn was just there to whine about the fact that they weren’t boyfriend-girlfriend yet, even though she’d told him she rilly rilly liked him — well, suddenly the power dynamic shifted. His neediness and insecurity and jealousy were suddenly incredibly annoying. And suddenly his future with Kaitlyn doesn’t seem quite so certain.

3. Being a shoulder to cry on will put you in the friend zone immediately. Ben Z thought he was being smart by stealing Kaitlyn away from all the teary drama and taking her outside, where they cozied up under a plaid blanket while he asked her if she was hanging in there. She was incredibly relieved to have a little friendly, undemanding company — but guess who went home without a rose? Ben Z, that’s who.

4. Kissing and telling will bite you in the ass in the end. Nick lied through his teeth when he told Kaitlyn that he hadn’t bragged to the other guys about how “intimate” they got together. She believed him. It’s important to her that he be a gentleman about this, and not dish like he’s in a locker room. Guess who’s going to be out on his ass next week when Kaitlyn finds out what he really said? Big mouth braggart Nick, that’s who. (That’s our best guess, anyway.)

5. Wearing a bright blue suit with black satin lapels (or were those black leather lapels? We’re not sure which would be worse) is never a good look. Sorry, Shawn. Especially if you have a body like Michael Phelps…but a face like Michael Phelps, too.

6. Real men cry when they get dumped. Even successful dentists who have blinding white, perfect teeth! We lost count of how many manly tears were shed on this episode, but Cupcake definitely wins, with his Ireland cliff edge dramatic weeping into his plaid scarf while Kaitlyn flew away from him in a helicopter. Ouch. Weep it out, baby.

7. Real women shouldn’t vocal fry when they apologize to their partners. It makes them sound like teenagers apologizing to their parents for breaking curfew. Kaitlyn: Speak up, own your words!

8. Feelings are so intense. Yeah, they really are. They’re, like, these feelings, you know? And they way they feel, it’s just so intense.

9. It’s okay to tell yourself that someone’s just “scared” or “not ready for a relationship” when they dump you. Clearly Kaitlyn is just not into Cupcake, despite the great teeth, but for him to admit this to himself would only make things feel worse. And so he tells himself — out loud, fortunately, so we don’t have to read his mind — that she’s “a mess” and she’s just not ready for a commitment. But hey, if this gets you through the first terrible hours of a breakup, we’re all for it.

10. Relationships are like driving stick shift — you can’t go too fast, or too slow, or you might stall out. Straight from the mouth of Katilyn, that wisdom! Not that she’s taking things particularly slow with anyone. But she definitely learned the hard way that saying too much, too soon, before a relationship is strong enough to handle it, can cause that baby relationship to crack under the pressure.