Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (San Antonio)
  1. Don’t suffer through an outdoor date if the weather is bad. We don’t care if you’ve rented out CitiField for the evening: if it’s colder than a witch’s tit outside, jog once around the bases and then get yourselves inside to a deluxe box and stay there! Adapt to the situation — it’s what helped us modern Homo Sapiens beat out the Neanderthals.

  2. The local Texans’ wisdom on long-term love is spot on, except for the part about someone needing to lead: there is such thing as an egalitarian relationship, even in Texas (okay, maybe just Austin):

    Relationships are a lot like dancing…If you’re good dancers, that means that you have to have a real communication…Somebody’s gotta lead…You’ve got to trust each other…You have to know each other’s moves…You have to put up with each others’ mistakes…You have to be in sync. You have to care about each other, and it really shows when you do.


  3. If you get a bad haircut, get it fixed before you’re next date. We don’t care if you have to fly a stylist in from the nearest cosmopolitan city, just do it!

  4. If you want to be a gentleman — indeed, if you say you are a gentleman — then don’t make a breakup harsher than it needs to be. Unless you were the recipient of some kind of abuse (and “not being that into you” is not abuse) — then simply say, “I don’t think this is working out. I wish you all the best.” Then leave with your head held high and your ex’s self worth still intact.

  5. On that note: Avoid dating narcissists. They will talk endlessly about their accomplishments, their specialness, their worth. And when they are not given the attention they think they deserve, they will turn on you. Problems in a relationship are never partly their fault, they are always the complete fault of their “sorely lacking” partner. They will put you down to raise themselves up and bury their insecurities. Become familiar with these warning signs so you can spot them in a partner — or, even more importantly, in yourself.