Making huge stupid mistakes in bed — we’re talking, like, of epic proportions — is a universal experience. People from all walks of life do dumb things they regret in the morning — it’s an inevitable part of life and love. But while there is no right way to mourn your sexual indiscretions, please know that one thing is certain: as long as you have a support network of good friends who have short attention spans, private access to reliable erotica, and the ability to move to a new city, you will get through this.
1. Denial and Isolation
The first reaction of a terrible sexual experience is to deny the reality of the situation. “It only seemed like I lasted 30 seconds because it was such good sex, surely it was longer.” Or: “There’s no way my boss will figure out I masturbated in her office. Now where did I put those monogrammed panties?” Or: “There was so much moaning going on, there’s no way she heard me call her ‘mommy.'” It is a normal defense mechanism that eases the bad blow (job). Rest assured, this is a temporary response that gets you through the first wave of humiliation, embarrassment and/or regret.
You can only lie to yourself for so long; eventually reality must dawn on you. But when it does, you still probably won’t be ready to wake up. Rather than emotionally processing the humiliation, embarrassment and/or regret, you deflect it and express it as anger:
- Your mother is to blame for your inability to get naked without crying…
- The angle of your boyfriend’s stupid penis is what caused you to queef, which in turn made you try to blame it on the cat…
- It’s your roommate’s fault that he found you naked with the dog and a jar of peanut butter because he’s the one who insisted on getting a pet in the first place!
You may lash out at these people, or at total strangers…strangers who happen to be making out on your bus home from a long, shitty day at work…throwing the fact of their healthy sex life in your face…until you throw the wadded-up wrapper from your tasteless Big Mac at them while running off the bus at your stop, screaming “GET A ROOM!!!” Or you might take out your frustrations on inanimate objects, like violently shoving your Magic Wand down the garbage disposal.
The normal reaction to feelings of sexual inadequacy, ignorance or stupidity is often a need to regain control:
- If only I hadn’t drunk dialed him that fifth time the other night…
- If only I had deleted my browser history…
- If only I had worn a condom that last time (never mind all the other times I somehow skated by without them)…
- If only I hadn’t used a dick slap as my opening move…
Secretly, you might try to make a deal with some higher power — God, your spouse, your Internet service provider — in an attempt undue what’s already been done. Sorry, sucker: it ain’t gonna happen.
This is when it really hits home: you realize how royally you fucked up with the fucking. And it makes you want to lock the front door, turn off your phone, and curl up in a ball with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a Tori Spelling marathon on Lifetime. Go ahead and do it, because, let’s face it, you really shouldn’t be showing your face in public right now. But don’t worry, Pookie, it won’t always be this bad (see number 5 below).
Most people with at least an ounce of self-awareness will eventually come to accept the fact that they did something sexually stupid, the world didn’t end, and they were able to emerge from their Lifetime cocoon (fairly) unscathed. Acceptance will come quicker if you proactively try to learn from your mistakes and vow to never commit them again: we’re talking to you, bare-backer / never-called-backer / porn-liar / point-and-giggler / best-friend’s-partner-fucker. If you need help fully achieving this stage, write to us for advice — our tough love can be quite soul cleansing.