Wise Guys: What's the Big Deal About BJs?

blowpopsphoto by iandeth

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: What’s the big deal about blowjobs — seriously, what makes them so special?

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): On the physical level, it’s simple: they feel fucking amazing. They provide physical sensations so desirable that a straight man would let a queer guy suck him off, either for the right amount of money or with the lights out. It’s that real. But aside from that, I recently asked some straight female friends whether or not they actually enjoy giving head, or do they really just do it because they know the guy will like it. Unanimously they said the latter, and that’s why blowjobs are indeed quite special. For many women (and certainly not all), blowjobs aren’t about the immediate satisfaction of their physical wants, but rather, the pleasure gained from satisfying someone else’s desires. There is an element of selflessness. A woman might even think giving blowjobs is downright nasty, but might continue to blow her man because she gets off on getting her man off. Some guys know this and thus know just how lucky they are for getting one.

Straight Single Guy (Mark): My first reaction is an overwhelming, “What isn’t the big deal about blowjobs?!”  But there’s more than just the primal, physical, when-they’re-good-they’re-freaking-amazing aspect. Of course there’s the stereotype that the appeal of BJs is about some sort of control or domination/submissiveness, but I think there are deeper factors involved, like trust and acceptance, that truly make them so great. Oral sex — in both directions, by the way — can in many ways be even more intimate than the regular ol’ in-n-out.

We don’t always acknowledge the more emotional aspects of oral, but — even if partly subconsciously — those elements probably get closer to the heart of what makes this expression of affection so special.  To be face-to-face and naughty-bits-to-naughty-bits is one thing.  But for your partner to be so into you that s/he would go downtown and get up-close-and-personal to provide pleasure exclusively to you (okay, there are those of us who derive almost as much from giving as receiving, but that’s another story)…well, I think that’s a pretty gosh darn “big deal”!

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): Blowjobs used to be really, really stigmatized and therefore really, really rare. Even for couples in long-term relationships.  In a few states in the U.S. it might still legally be sodomy, even for heterosexuals, and in the past it’s been strongly associated with “latent” homosexuality, porn, and prostitution — and strongly not associated with “good girls.”  Something else contributing to the stigma:  blowjobs break the gender rule that sex is something for men to do and women receive. And all those insults with the word “suck” in them?  Some of those used to be taken deadly seriously.

Nowadays, not so much. But add up the little bits of historical taboo, the little bit of gender-bending for both men and women, and the fact that blowjobs feel very good and… well, that’s enough to make them seem pretty special.  Which, incidentally, I think they ought to be.  Special. Instead of, oh, say, obligatory.  Not least because when they start feeling obligatory, men’s partners start wondering, well, what makes them so special?

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


  1. I do not have a strong background with datin tons of different people. I was married 2 years into college and remained married for a while. My exhusband and I explored oral sex a few times but just felt that it was not for us. I am remarried and my husband says in one breath that oral sex is not a big issue but in the next breath he holds it over
    head, that I have not performed it on him yet. I honestly am a woman that can take it or leave it. He states that it proves other things such as me not putting limitations on our marriage. He states that this act shows him that I will do anything for him.I beg to differ. How does me giving him a bj prove that. I have had an exboyriend that performed oral sex on me in all aspects leaving nothing to the imagination. That didn’t prove anything to me. i just wondered how many other women he’d done this with. i still left him when he did something stupis in the relationship

  2. I’m 18 and gave head on my boyfriend a few days ago, we’d just spent the best part of two hours making out and i was very turned on, as was he. Prior to seeing him i was contemplating going down on him, but was obviously nervous, but when it came to it he didn’t stop me and i just went for it. He loved it and it was the best feeling in the world to see him enjoying it so much he couldn’t even talk, i felt his hands grab the bed and it was a massive turn on. Nothing frightened at all, i was comfortable and i think it comes down to how much you care about the person, if they mean nothing to you then it might be awkward, but for me it was really intimate and laid back and i enjoyed it. Nothing to be afraid of, its like my body took over and everything in me wanted to, i can’t wait to be that close with him again, we felt high for hours afterwards, just amazing!

  3. From a man’s point of view…
    First off..it feels good. Also just the thought that you love your man enough to put his penis into your mouth is just the beginning. I mean, it’s obviously the most intimate part of his body, so right there that’s a huge turn on for most guys. Some guys dont care for it or they are not really into it. Which is fine. There are plenty of other ways to show effection. I mean…some people are turned on by sucking on toes…or fingers. Everyone is different.
    The feeling is like a snowball effect. A woman is turned on by his man…so she goes down on him. A man is turned on because his woman is going down on him. The woman is turned on because his man is turned on, and the man gets turned on by that turn on…etc etc etc. You get the point.
    I dated one girl that refused to perform oral sex on me, she thought it was gross. But she had never done it before. It’s like those people that wont eat sushi cause they think that it’s gross to eat raw fish. Get educated people…it’s fairly shallow and small minded to judge anything that you have yet to experience.
    I think the more appropriate question is…how far do you take oral sex? If you have to ask what I mean…then you probably shouldnt know anyhow.

  4. Strangely enough, me and my boyfriend both love performing oral sex… and not recieving it *thud*. This leads to a lot of awkwardness. Nothing like not being able to do something you really enjoy without turning off the other person. It’s not we can’t appreciate the theory… It’s just that physically, it’s not our cup of tea. Weird…

  5. Checked back in after a day or so to see what was going on. The woman who commented a guy had better seek a new g/f if she wasn’t going down on him is 100% right. A girl I was with before I married my wife was an absolute she-devil who thrived on a high-protein diet. I’ve spent my entire life wishing my wife was of the same mind set. It’s not that she won’t, but she mandates I wear one of those non-lubed, non-reservoir tipped condoms, and it’s just not the same.

    As for men who don’t like going down there, What are you afraid of? For my part, though, I don’t like women who shave. I think that furry little thing is the sexiest sight on earth. I like when women use some floral fragrance shampoo in the pre-session shower. When I get down there, it’s like entering a veritable “garden of delight.”

  6. I love giving my husband head. Always have, always will. I take every opportunity I can to do that. I don’t feel as if it is degrading. I truly enjoy, and crave it. I can get off while getting him off with only performing the act on him (look ma, no hands!). We all have our feelings, beliefs, and preferences. I love regular intercourse as well, but when it comes to oral, I would prefer to give than receive (and yes, he is quite skilled). It is as simple as that. I love every part of my man, c*ck and all.

  7. Elizabeth, I fully believe that everyone’s been honest about it, as far as their enjoyment. Intellectually, I know that it’s absolutely possible. Still, there seems to be some portion of me that feels (as missE put it) a measure of degradation. It’s not entirely rational, and I’m the first to admit it, but I know that oral performed on me feels fantastic while also making me feel a bit awkward and slightly guilty. Enough so that, while it’s nothing I’ve ever made an issue of, it’s very seldom that I get off from it. And, yes, I absolutely love performing oral on women (and can’t quite relate to guys who say they don’t).

  8. You really can’t buy that a woman would enjoy providing oral sex to a man, Slartibart? I understand the distaste on the part of not doing that which you wouldn’t do… but, you (seem to) enjoy performing oral sex on a woman, why is it so difficult to believe that a woman would enjoy the opposite?

    For me it’s the whole power thing… I like knowing that I, basically alone, am responsible for his pleasure. I fully disagree with the idea that BJs are a submissive act for a woman… and so does my guy! 🙂

  9. As far as I know, I’ve never met missE but her description of her boyfriend’s attitude mirrors my own. I think part of my problem also comes from an egalitarian nature. I’m not comfortable with people doing to me that which I wouldn’t care to do myself. As a hetero male, I’ve never been enamored with the idea giving fellatio. Oral on a woman is an entirely different proposition and something I’m quite happy to provide. I’ve had girlfriends offer assurance that fellatio was something they actively enjoy, but there must be a part of me that can’t quite buy it.

  10. Oral Sex is an art that is not as appreciated as it should be. I love to give BJS I get off knowing that He gets off and it doent make me a “bad or dirty girl” It just means I enjoy and am very comfortable with my sexuality. Its actually something I know Im very good at as well as sex so I say If your girl wont go down then you need a new girl cause most likely your sex life w her is going to be terrible.

  11. To me, oral sex is the single most beautiful form of intimacy a couple can share. As I posted on another site, it can be “customized” to a person’s wants and desires much more so than penetration.

    Part of me going into her; her most prized intimate possession given to me. It’s what love is all about. In order to be truly “oral” though, the woman has to be willing to finish.

  12. i actually had a boyfriend who couldn’t get off from oral sex. he associated blow jobs with porn, and told me once that although it felt amazing, it was hard for him not to feel that he was putting the woman he loved in a degrading position. needless to say i wasn’t in agreement.

  13. i love going down on my man! to let him know that he turns me on so much, that i appreciate all of his body, enough to be up close and personal with his most intimate parts and provide physical pleasure for him; i’m sure some people find this strange, but for me it is very much a loving and affectionate act. and yes, i think that oral sex can sometimes be more intimate than intercourse. it is such a giving act. on the idea that women who like giving head are getting off on getting their man off…i used to think that was it. that i liked doing it because my man liked getting it. but there’s more to it than that. i’ve actually felt myself feel a craving to taste him, to feel him in my mouth and that is physically pleasurable for me. it can be enjoyable for women, too. and i’ll say it although it goes without saying, that men consistently say that some of the best blow jobs are not because of a certain special technique the woman uses, they’re great because she’s enthusiastic and enjoying the act.

  14. I used to enjoy them … I think it was the whole “good girl gone bad” thing and then the idea that I was giving a guy that much pleasure while having him in such a uniquely vulnerable position … all a huge turn on. But, my husband’s penis is too large for my mouth. Way too large and too thick. It was a new conundrum when we started dating … never, EVER in the prior 10 years of sexual activity had I come across a dick I literally couldn’t handle. I tried, believe me … but there is no way to accomodate it and perform adeptly. He doesn’t complain, he is quite giddy at the concept that I would if I could, but quite literally can’t!

  15. I thought it was odd when my boyfriend told me he didn’t care for them. I had never done it before and truly wanted to give it a try. Well, I turned him into a BJ addict and I never hear the end of it now.

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