We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: We fucking love Amy Schumer. She’s spit-your-drink funny and she’s feminist, whether she’s talking about casual sex or body image or fisting… or abortion. On this latter topic she particularly tickles us: We’d always assumed that a good abortion joke was hard to pull off, but Amy Schumer makes it seem as easy as, well, Plan B. She even calls it “aborsh”! Here are our five favorite Amy Schumer abortion jokes:
1. “I have an excuse, actually, why I’ve been drinking so much. I haven’t said this out loud yet — this is exciting — I’m drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody’s being evicted.”
2. [On Her Best Friend’s Pregnancy] “I’ll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, ‘You guys, I’m keeping this one.”
3. “It’s a weird age. They’re like, ‘Amy, I’m pregnant.’ And I still don’t know whether to be like, ‘Congratulations,’ or ‘Do you need a ride?'”
4. “There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her — because the kid can tell.”
And yes, yes, we know that Plan B is not an abortion, but “4 quotes about abortion and one about the morning after pill” just didn’t have the same ring to it…
5. “You feel like such a dirty whore buying Plan B. It is so embarrassing because it’s over the counter but you have to ask your pharmacist, and they know what you want but they make you ask. They’re lookin’ at me, I’m like, you see where my eyeliner is, just give it to me.”
